Addiction

[Fig]

It is a hell of a dependency...
Same stunt, different cunt... extracted passionate reverie.
Aesthetics never held his empathy...
...Pulling burning love through alchemization into a memory,
then traced it's energy to set in lettering,
gets him past the isolation as deafening as the devils scream.
A substance of lust, bliss, and telepathy,
Telling him the shadow that he see's as real as she'll ever be.
Chasing space in a vacant dream.
Like being up to neck in water and swimming just to escape the deep.
The faces change, but he stays asleep.
Inconceivable attempts to abstain from Sun, but taste its gleam.
Taking razors edge to an ending and take amends
lining up its potent contents, and then savoring them.
Baby, infested time in you... The dividen, please?
Cuz in that eye glare, all i saw's an image of me.
Now Twain claimed of not a chuckle in serenitys plane,
Divinity's bane; not playing pain. Polaritys game.
But equilibrium is slain in my memories daze,
And tones bone wicks the flicker of infinity's flame.
That is to say, past days greet my reckonings rave,
Despite the sentiment, they blend to a getaway cave.
Gateway opens up, and I'm forgetting her name.
Another pipe dream, im feining in sublimity's face.

[Fig]

Bump ya fuckin dicks

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...p?4087-Genodus
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...0-I-Can-t-Stop
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...?3906-The-Cave

[Angkor]

first thing u wanna do is switch up ur signature. the shit's distracting as hell lol

on to the verse...

I liked this somewhat. Flow was carried mostly through multies and assonance. Lots of great lines scattered about and i like the Allegory of the Cave allusion. Although i'm a little lost on the actual content of the piece. The title's addiction and at first i thought the addiction was sex as it opened up with some kind of "player" swag. then it broke down into a more psychological dilemma. At this point, my thought was this was a lonely character who's aching for company and may be creating said company in his own mind. Either that or he's just a player who's addicted to sex. And did u mean "invested time" or was "infested" the intended usage? Despite issue with clarity, this was a pretty good read, i thought. word.

[Geno]

That sig will do just fine btw

Dope piece fig. I see you climbin the skill ladders rungs nicely. Your first post on ncs was illmaic then seemed like you slipped off? But this post was back in the realm of what I expect from you now. Keep it moving and grow

Raw description of dependences here. Dope vocab and multi mixtures. Keep writing

[Fig]

Originally Posted by Lexicon

first thing u wanna do is switch up ur signature. the shit's distracting as hell lol

on to the verse...

I liked this somewhat. Flow was carried mostly through multies and assonance. Lots of great lines scattered about and i like the Allegory of the Cave allusion. Although i'm a little lost on the actual content of the piece. The title's addiction and at first i thought the addiction was sex as it opened up with some kind of "player" swag. then it broke down into a more psychological dilemma. At this point, my thought was this was a lonely character who's aching for company and may be creating said company in his own mind. Either that or he's just a player who's addicted to sex. And did u mean "invested time" or was "infested" the intended usage? Despite issue with clarity, this was a pretty good read, i thought. word.

I will keep the signature. It speaks to me.

And as for the piece, the intention was to set up the idea of being interested in relationships for the memories I could later reflect upon, rather than the affair be a focus on the other person. The person would be the equivalent of a pipe, and i would be using all kinds of pipes to enjoy the substance. As for infested, yes i intended that. It assisted the feeling towards the person I was addressing as disposable, and that in the end, they were getting the shitty end of the stick in the relationship, being that I'm just wasting her time.

I do have trouble with clarity in my verses, and in my regular writing i.e. essays and what not. It will be something that i will have to work on i guess. Maybe take a more simple descriptive route. Thanks for the feed fam.

[Fig]

And thanks geno man...

I mean, thanks for standing up for my signature. She's a person too

[zygote]

Lexicon picked up on the main critique here. It's slightly off-putting vocabulary. Not to say it is incorrect or bad, but the word choice is strange in many parts. E.g., the "taste it's gleam" and "reckoning raves" lines. Also maybe you misunderstood the word empathy, perhaps the word you were looking for was attention (the character doesn't care for aesthetics). These critiques aside it was good writing and you didn't go over the top with any dramatic story. Also, the characters inner turmoil was expressed well.

"I do have trouble with clarity in my verses, and in my regular writing i.e. essays and what not. It will be something that i will have to work on i guess. Maybe take a more simple descriptive route." Best recommendation for this is aim for conciseness. That's not to say don't lose your own style and turn of phrase, but use words that you know beforehand, why use a technical language when you can use a direct language.

[Zen]

Honestly I thought this was a dope drop fig. When I read your verse I saw that we kinda have a similar style of writing but am I the only one seeing that? Idk lol. But I loved the content of this shit almost seemed introspective to me and made it feel real. Also I think it was an easy read with a nice flow and I have no problem with the vocab because to me it felt like alliteration being used throughout. Keep postin man

[Fig]

@ZenLand thanks for the feed. And i can see a similarity on the conceptual side of things.
@zygote thank you for the advice and the feed fam. I'll keep your words in mind.

[Split]

Originally Posted by Figurative

Inconceivable attempts to abstain from Sun, but taste its gleam.
Taking razors edge to an ending and take amends
lining up its potent contents, and then savoring them.
Baby, infested time in you... The dividend, please?
Cuz in that eye glare, all i saw's an image of me.
Now Twain claimed of not a chuckle in serenitys plane,
Divinity's bane; not playing pain. Polaritys game.
But equilibrium is slain in my memories daze,
And tones bone wicks the flicker of infinity's flame.

okay, the flow was nice (especially the syllable rhyming), as was the scheming. but the wording/delivery and word choice felt unnatural

what i quoted ^^ was very very confusing to me, and the bolded parts were incomprehensible

the way you explained it in response to Lexicon made a lot of sense, so it's almost like you have a reverse allegory here. like instead of having meaning shine through a story, you have a story shining through condensed meaning. i can already see some of your influences.

just my thoughts, you have good vocab and a good sense of rhyming. keep writing

[Fig]

Originally Posted by Split

okay, the flow was nice (especially the syllable rhyming), as was the scheming. but the wording/delivery and word choice felt unnatural

what i quoted ^^ was very very confusing to me, and the bolded parts were incomprehensible

the way you explained it in response to Lexicon made a lot of sense, so it's almost like you have a reverse allegory here. like instead of having meaning shine through a story, you have a story shining through condensed meaning. i can already see some of your influences.

just my thoughts, you have good vocab and a good sense of rhyming. keep writing

I'll explain the part you quoted, but i understand that its not good on my part to have to do that lol

Now, I've established that the idea was I'm in relationships with girls for the memories i can acquire. Basically, the girls are disposable. So i want the energy given off from the source, while dismissing the source itself. That's the whole sun thing. So basically I'm treating relationships as a business type venture, where I invest (I accidentally used infest but i liked its feel so i kept it) time in them, and when they end, I expect my share of compensation (memories).

Anyways, the Twain claimed line is a reference to a well know Mark Twain quote when he says there is no laughter in heaven. This establishes the whole ying and yang representation of life. That there is no pain without laughter, life without death etc. but in the memories I hold onto, this equilibrium is non existent. So when i reflect on these moments, i dismiss what the tone was (e.g. sad, lustfull, positive) and strip it down to enjoy what it is, a sensation, and one that I'll hold onto for the rest of my days.

I will be working on comprehension better in the future though. This was a learning experience.