Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-18-2019, 10:23 AM   #1
ACTIVATE SELF
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 19584275
ACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant future
Default Avant-garde...ish

Lemarchand
Plasma sigils, the vigil to Apple is Surgical
Consciousness plus tech, the approximation of flexin’
we questin with hexes, the Lexus in flight…
Tesla teleporter, harnessing light.
Either that or the portals. Porters are androids, I guess we’re immortal
Escorted by morsels, in cathedrals corporeal. Each human has fortunes
VVSes on my pants braces, I’m morphing in space…
on Venus, elated,
Neo-drugs designed by physicians, the chemist is antiquated
In your future mysticism and technocracy mated, still there’s a place for Satan
Balance, of course. Wars simulated with patience, planet destroyers…
A splash of mayhem in fortress
as aesthetics expand. In pace, the gang’s complacent…
occasionally we indulge in the damning, I’m Samson with a fader
Freebasin crystal crayon, Super Saiyans for aeons

Sammy
My language, unique.
Giga-biting into an apple’s core. the mantle was sweet!
Falling, not far from the fireplace. Our family tree..
Me, myself and I. Pod of three prodding the screen
Jogging that memory card, dealt in pompous olive and green.
Gold and space gray, shading’s the same, call what u see
Its all in the option, you see?
Plenty of sharks in the sea.
Otters boxing with clamshells for that morsel of meat.
Mayan Calendar. Number profit. boisterous leaps
Year after year the horde comes to eat. A dollar a slice
The colors are nice. Vivid images Full of vigor and vice.

SELF ACTIVATE
An extinguished orb sinks beneath pixilated clouds of digital data,
as zeros and ones rain from the Matrix created by Gates
in Silicon Valley when God became Jobs and Elon a Crowley
of elohēm blood. Read the Gospel. Unplug.
"Technology cometh to blot out the Sun". This topic's become
the dystopic conclusion of Lucifer's lust. Abusing our lungs.
Pollution and drugs. Robotic gestopos with too many guns.
Computing the funds. Crypto-currently poor. Indebted to serpents
of virtual lore.The purpose of war? Is burguyndy poured
on circuitry boards. Thus feeding the beast that nurtures the Borg.
Give birth and then form an opinion that's yours before it's too late
and you mimick the horde of techno-organic parasitical spores.
__________________
Quote:
"Why have enemies, when you can have friends?"
ACTIVATE SELF is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2019, 11:30 AM   #2
sral
Shrewd as evearthed
 
sral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3


Champed
- Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II

Rep Power: 85899391
sral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond repute
Default

I reasd this at RR, it seemed an odd collab if I'm honest. I like all three of you seperately, not so much together here to keep it 100% real.

Lemarchand is usually pretty polished, one of the best at RR IMO, but here he seemed a little all over the place. I couldn't get into the flow of his joint, it's scatter brained almost and jumps between too many ideas, plus some of those end rhymes don't work in my accent - almost from the get go, so it made it hard to get into the entire thing and want to read on off bat. I'm not a hater, believe me, I'm a fan of this dude usually - just not here. Lol. "The chemist is antiquated," I kind of half-liked, wish he had expanded on it. On anything, actually, there was just kind of train-of-thought flashes here and there with nothing really building up anywhere to me. It's a tough one to get into.

Sammy/Google: The openers fire, loved Giga-biting into the apples core. Jogging that memory-card," was a cool turn of phrase also. I wasn't sure if you were going for Otterbox like the iPhone case or something different entirely LOL but i'll give you the benefit of the doubt as it was all technology linked. It's very brief, like 10-12 lines maybe? It had a lot of quasi-themes like that apple one which you developed onward to it being about a family tree but then again it didn't really lead into more - they were separate ideas, snippets if you will, along the same theme (or similar) but nothing really felt whole to me like your stuff usually does. It had its flashes, like the intro, which I really liked - but again man, it feel a little short (to me), you know? Maybe I'm just to familiar with your work. I dunno. Hand on heart I wanted more. It feels too "brief", it feels like it needs more, it feels (to me) like there was a lot more to explore or elaborate on that never came. It feels like an opportunity missed, IMHO. That's not to say it's bad, you're a very good writer when you try, but this isn't the best example of your work (though, that said, I enjoyed this more than the Lemarchand verse).

Self: You anchored this well, tbh. The opening line felt like it was too wordy for you, way longer than your usual syllable count to lines, way too many long words crammed into that first line with "extinguished" "pixelated" and "digital" for there to be no internals or carry it flow wise. Very unlike you, tbh. You upped it, though, I especially like 'God became Jobs' etc. This section was where you really started clicking:

"Technology cometh to blot out the Sun". This topic's become
the dystopic conclusion of Lucifer's lust. Abusing our lungs.
Pollution and drugs. Robotic gestopos with too many guns.
Computing the funds. Crypto-currently poor. Indebted to serpents
of virtual lore.The purpose of war? Is burguyndy poured
on circuitry boards. Thus feeding the beast that nurtures the Borg.

Burgundy poured on to circuitry boards was my personal highlight.

Overall, good verses from all, I think Sammy maybe had the slightly more interesting content here with the opening line which was fire. Self had the best section of the piece, that which I quoted, because I felt most of that apart from the closer. It could have probably done without Lemarchand on this to be real, he doesn't add the piece much and having him as the lead-off batter probbaly detracts a few people from wanting to read on in truth. If I wasn't as familiar with him, or you guys, to know he's usually very good, I probably wouldn't have carried on reading. Lol.

Keep those pens moving!
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney
- Art of Writing League (x 4)
- AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)
sral is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:31 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+