The incident of a poor man

UnbornBuddha · 06-29-2015, 01:32 AM

Feeling like I've had cancer for years
Recovery becomes a matter of fear
I lost all hope when my daughter disappeared
Sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her
Vexed at the sight, I cry out "answer me dear".
Miracles and tears, only the latter appears
Even the seer is helpless when his family killed
Times like these has me asking if reality real
My schizophrenic friend sneers while his insanity builds
His clearly nuts, but wields the answers I need revealed.
I feel my will is the thing that keeps me sealed
In this tabernacle mood, where alcohol soothes
My soul amused & purified by a vortex of tobacco fumes
It's apparent that morbidness is half the truth
I mean the demented & tormented are half the news
But, this sickness doesn't fill my cornea & zaps its hue
For I see beyond this dimension's corners and avenues.
The surface of this world is more of an affirmation,
A life sustaining grain that feeds my starving nature
The maggots in our solar plexus is what contaminate us
Starch deprivation, how will I ever become a star's incarnation
If my heart operation continues to be part of damnation?
Every time God's heart stops, it needs to restart from creation.
To Nihilists, oblivion is their largest elation
Me? I'm more simple.
I just want to want to open a bar with good stouts
Where, IPA drinkers can have a jolly good shout
Unfortunately, even the best Bock's can't remove stagnation
Brought by the metastasis of the latent tumor aching.
Reiki and new age faith agents look at me & assume I hate them
Just because of the views I say to them.
The new age is a new age of dim-witted fools who think they can heal with crystals.
They must have some real daddy issues to think Amethyst can heal a cripple.
We've become indolent in our patriotism, other countries are building missiles
While, we grow soft, visiting our psychiatrist to reveal our secrets.
The beacon of our light is the idea of wisdom, but not wisdom itself.
We look away from the shedding leper whose licking himself,
The unbaptized listening to religious tales followed by their riveting bells
But, we don't step forth because we're busy dodging ricochet shells
Dispelled from a kid itching to kill everyone because he has a mission from hell.
There is no point to any of this, says those whose vision is frail
Those with insight see two universes collision unfold
Creating an alternate world, where we don't grow old
And our toes don't become cold because we realized
Oh! paradise is in our souls. Locked away in this poor man's poems
With all its APA formatted boring quotes. Just get to your point & go,
But, this isn't a demand, for it's your choice to go.

zygote · 06-29-2015, 04:11 AM

Your writing here was decent. It was a good attempt - perhaps you could improve just in general grammar. The small words like 'it' and 'is' are often missing. Also, maybe you can try a quick proofread - see 'His' instead of writing 'He is'. One final comment - it may seem a bit broad but I hope you can consider it - the switch in focus in this submission feels jarring. You switched from the start (with a focus on personal issues from an individual's perspective - E.g., The daughter dying part - to a kind of global issues rant from a societal perspective). Both were decent enough directions to go in by themselves but when you fuse them together like that the brashness of the second half kind of overpowers the personal stuff at the start. The societal moralising preaching/grandstanding really jarred in contrast to your start (which had the potential to be a really subtle and understated approach to a big personal issue. I feel like you didn't need the 'big issues' of the second half. Especially after the more personal and in a lot of ways more powerful first half.

UnbornBuddha · 06-29-2015, 08:30 AM

Thanks Zygote, glad to see you back, and well. Stay awhile, if you can.

Mr. J · 07-02-2015, 03:25 PM

Once you hit your stride that's when I really enjoy your pieces Unborn
this has a stride but I'd like to point out a few awkward points for you here..

Feeling like I've had cancer for years
Recovery becomes a matter of fear
I lost all hope when my daughter disappeared
Sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her
Vexed at the sight, I cry out "answer me dear".

I see what you are doing there, but the way the rhymes are weaved are hard to read
they don't flow as well as they should, I know you can rhyme so that isn't the problem
it's how you try to transition from rhyme to internal back to rhyme with a slant...
you know what I'm saying? I would save the transition and try to connect it in later

His clearly nuts, but wields the answers I need revealed.
I feel my will is the thing that keeps me sealed
In this tabernacle mood, where alcohol soothes
My soul amused & purified by a vortex of tobacco fumes
It's apparent that morbidness is half the truth
I mean the demented & tormented are half the news
But, this sickness doesn't fill my cornea & zaps its hue
For I see beyond this dimension's corners and avenues.

^^
you see that, that's how you should have started it...
or something similar to that structure, if I were anyone else
I'm sure they would have been upset by the beginning
because y'know...short attention spans, either way this section is dope
you always impress but it comes later through the piece
thusly hitting your stride...but dropping whatever you need in the cypher is always helpful
it's like a hamster wheel in there where you get out all the silly shit

The beacon of our light is the idea of wisdom, but not wisdom itself.
We look away from the shedding leper whose licking himself,
The unbaptized listening to religious tales followed by their riveting bells
But, we don't step forth because we're busy dodging ricochet shells
Dispelled from a kid itching to kill everyone because he has a mission from hell.
There is no point to any of this, says those whose vision is frail

this is how you should have ended the piece..
I feel like the best piece is one that ends abruptly..
it leaves a person more on edge for what you do next
then you can practically go as needed with more ideas like this

some dope shit though Buddah, keep writing

Pharaohs Army · 07-07-2015, 12:17 AM

i must admit the first time i caught this a few days ago I did not have the proper cadence down, to what you were doing here. but, revisiting later, i picked up on it the 2nd time, and have determined it is another bold rhyme scheme and rhythm throughout most of it. impressive from a clean/consistent flow, something you've been noticeably improving over the months.. from a content perspective and lyrics, it is good, but not great- by your standards, from what i've seen, in a relative sense. i'm entertained though.

06-29-2015, 01:32 AM	#1
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	The incident of a poor man Feeling like I've had cancer for years Recovery becomes a matter of fear I lost all hope when my daughter disappeared Sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her Vexed at the sight, I cry out "answer me dear". Miracles and tears, only the latter appears Even the seer is helpless when his family killed Times like these has me asking if reality real My schizophrenic friend sneers while his insanity builds His clearly nuts, but wields the answers I need revealed. I feel my will is the thing that keeps me sealed In this tabernacle mood, where alcohol soothes My soul amused & purified by a vortex of tobacco fumes It's apparent that morbidness is half the truth I mean the demented & tormented are half the news But, this sickness doesn't fill my cornea & zaps its hue For I see beyond this dimension's corners and avenues. The surface of this world is more of an affirmation, A life sustaining grain that feeds my starving nature The maggots in our solar plexus is what contaminate us Starch deprivation, how will I ever become a star's incarnation If my heart operation continues to be part of damnation? Every time God's heart stops, it needs to restart from creation. To Nihilists, oblivion is their largest elation Me? I'm more simple. I just want to want to open a bar with good stouts Where, IPA drinkers can have a jolly good shout Unfortunately, even the best Bock's can't remove stagnation Brought by the metastasis of the latent tumor aching. Reiki and new age faith agents look at me & assume I hate them Just because of the views I say to them. The new age is a new age of dim-witted fools who think they can heal with crystals. They must have some real daddy issues to think Amethyst can heal a cripple. We've become indolent in our patriotism, other countries are building missiles While, we grow soft, visiting our psychiatrist to reveal our secrets. The beacon of our light is the idea of wisdom, but not wisdom itself. We look away from the shedding leper whose licking himself, The unbaptized listening to religious tales followed by their riveting bells But, we don't step forth because we're busy dodging ricochet shells Dispelled from a kid itching to kill everyone because he has a mission from hell. There is no point to any of this, says those whose vision is frail Those with insight see two universes collision unfold Creating an alternate world, where we don't grow old And our toes don't become cold because we realized Oh! paradise is in our souls. Locked away in this poor man's poems With all its APA formatted boring quotes. Just get to your point & go, But, this isn't a demand, for it's your choice to go. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 06-29-2015 at 01:45 AM.

07-02-2015, 03:25 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,023 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Once you hit your stride that's when I really enjoy your pieces Unborn this has a stride but I'd like to point out a few awkward points for you here.. Feeling like I've had cancer for years Recovery becomes a matter of fear I lost all hope when my daughter disappeared Sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her Vexed at the sight, I cry out "answer me dear". I see what you are doing there, but the way the rhymes are weaved are hard to read they don't flow as well as they should, I know you can rhyme so that isn't the problem it's how you try to transition from rhyme to internal back to rhyme with a slant... you know what I'm saying? I would save the transition and try to connect it in later His clearly nuts, but wields the answers I need revealed. I feel my will is the thing that keeps me sealed In this tabernacle mood, where alcohol soothes My soul amused & purified by a vortex of tobacco fumes It's apparent that morbidness is half the truth I mean the demented & tormented are half the news But, this sickness doesn't fill my cornea & zaps its hue For I see beyond this dimension's corners and avenues. ^^ you see that, that's how you should have started it... or something similar to that structure, if I were anyone else I'm sure they would have been upset by the beginning because y'know...short attention spans, either way this section is dope you always impress but it comes later through the piece thusly hitting your stride...but dropping whatever you need in the cypher is always helpful it's like a hamster wheel in there where you get out all the silly shit The beacon of our light is the idea of wisdom, but not wisdom itself. We look away from the shedding leper whose licking himself, The unbaptized listening to religious tales followed by their riveting bells But, we don't step forth because we're busy dodging ricochet shells Dispelled from a kid itching to kill everyone because he has a mission from hell. There is no point to any of this, says those whose vision is frail this is how you should have ended the piece.. I feel like the best piece is one that ends abruptly.. it leaves a person more on edge for what you do next then you can practically go as needed with more ideas like this some dope shit though Buddah, keep writing __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

06-29-2015, 04:11 AM	#2
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Your writing here was decent. It was a good attempt - perhaps you could improve just in general grammar. The small words like 'it' and 'is' are often missing. Also, maybe you can try a quick proofread - see 'His' instead of writing 'He is'. One final comment - it may seem a bit broad but I hope you can consider it - the switch in focus in this submission feels jarring. You switched from the start (with a focus on personal issues from an individual's perspective - E.g., The daughter dying part - to a kind of global issues rant from a societal perspective). Both were decent enough directions to go in by themselves but when you fuse them together like that the brashness of the second half kind of overpowers the personal stuff at the start. The societal moralising preaching/grandstanding really jarred in contrast to your start (which had the potential to be a really subtle and understated approach to a big personal issue. I feel like you didn't need the 'big issues' of the second half. Especially after the more personal and in a lot of ways more powerful first half.

06-29-2015, 08:30 AM	#3
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	Thanks Zygote, glad to see you back, and well. Stay awhile, if you can.

07-07-2015, 12:17 AM	#5
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	i must admit the first time i caught this a few days ago I did not have the proper cadence down, to what you were doing here. but, revisiting later, i picked up on it the 2nd time, and have determined it is another bold rhyme scheme and rhythm throughout most of it. impressive from a clean/consistent flow, something you've been noticeably improving over the months.. from a content perspective and lyrics, it is good, but not great- by your standards, from what i've seen, in a relative sense. i'm entertained though.