YOU

zygote · 02-17-2013, 11:11 AM

You wake up tired feeling like an empty shell.
Mind blanked emotions numbed,
You think maybe today you should kill yourself.
Go to the bridge and jump,
Human scum.
You sit up and look around.
See a girl passed out on the ground.
She looks kind of young.
Fuck it. You don’t care.
You run your hand over your head,
You feel the dry vomit in your hair.
You get up from your mattress bed,
Eat a piece of cornbread.
You yawn it’s not worth the effort.
Fucking idiot. Last night remembered.
You try to think ahead.
What were you supposed to do today?
You always feel like this,
Hopefully what you have to do will go away.
You go to take a piss,
Start and realize you need to shit.
Damn today has started bad.
You try to think how it feels to be mad or sad.
You feel like only nothing can exist.
Abyss.

Split · 02-17-2013, 02:38 PM

this was powerful. i remember what you said about, trying to be real and honest and straightforward in writing, and how no one is willing to accept that

i think that the very simple word choice gave this a poetic feel, almost like Joyce Carol Oates' Four Summers or a Bukowski poem. and if you haven't read Bukowski, you should now. or even sign up for RIA's Poetry league. because your thoughts were simply put, but also worked together to create a complex emotion

i liked it.

Geno · 02-17-2013, 02:47 PM

Very strong
You continue to be in my eyes, one of the most well ballanced and technically capablee writer I've seen. Never know what style your gonna get in a zyg post.

This was a deep and very depressed piece. Nicely described. More of a poetic feel then I've seen from you. But these would definitely be the thoughts or feelings that I ...at some time/s of life have encountered. Its a very dark room that I wish upon nobody. Nice drop

Fig · 02-17-2013, 03:13 PM

Damn today has started bad. You try to think how it feels to be mad or sad. You feel like only nothing can exist. Abyss.

^^^
I'm starting to realize that the beautifully poignant nature of this line, and the piece as a whole, stems from the plain word choice and the straightforward approach. It leaves no room for interpretation, just the relatability of the reader with what's presented here. A powerful piece this is.

Malachi · 02-17-2013, 03:48 PM

Dope, i really liked this zygote.

Rhyme schemes made it read smoothly and i enjoyed the concept of this OM too.

simple and sweet.
Thanks for the read.

02-17-2013, 11:11 AM	#1
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	YOU You wake up tired feeling like an empty shell. Mind blanked emotions numbed, You think maybe today you should kill yourself. Go to the bridge and jump, Human scum. You sit up and look around. See a girl passed out on the ground. She looks kind of young. Fuck it. You don’t care. You run your hand over your head, You feel the dry vomit in your hair. You get up from your mattress bed, Eat a piece of cornbread. You yawn it’s not worth the effort. Fucking idiot. Last night remembered. You try to think ahead. What were you supposed to do today? You always feel like this, Hopefully what you have to do will go away. You go to take a piss, Start and realize you need to shit. Damn today has started bad. You try to think how it feels to be mad or sad. You feel like only nothing can exist. Abyss.

02-17-2013, 02:38 PM	#2
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	this was powerful. i remember what you said about, trying to be real and honest and straightforward in writing, and how no one is willing to accept that i think that the very simple word choice gave this a poetic feel, almost like Joyce Carol Oates' Four Summers or a Bukowski poem. and if you haven't read Bukowski, you should now. or even sign up for RIA's Poetry league. because your thoughts were simply put, but also worked together to create a complex emotion i liked it. __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

02-17-2013, 02:47 PM	#3
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,324 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Very strong You continue to be in my eyes, one of the most well ballanced and technically capablee writer I've seen. Never know what style your gonna get in a zyg post. This was a deep and very depressed piece. Nicely described. More of a poetic feel then I've seen from you. But these would definitely be the thoughts or feelings that I ...at some time/s of life have encountered. Its a very dark room that I wish upon nobody. Nice drop __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

02-17-2013, 03:13 PM	#4
Fig Om Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 6,473 Battle Record: 8-16 Rep Power: 84181559	Damn today has started bad. You try to think how it feels to be mad or sad. You feel like only nothing can exist. Abyss. ^^^ I'm starting to realize that the beautifully poignant nature of this line, and the piece as a whole, stems from the plain word choice and the straightforward approach. It leaves no room for interpretation, just the relatability of the reader with what's presented here. A powerful piece this is. __________________ BIRDHORSE 8-15

02-17-2013, 03:48 PM	#5
Malachi Negus Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,530 Battle Record: 5-10 Champed - Newbie Tourney VI Rep Power: 82877407	Dope, i really liked this zygote. Rhyme schemes made it read smoothly and i enjoyed the concept of this OM too. simple and sweet. Thanks for the read. __________________ Seen the spectrum through the prisms