Statin' My Existence

Matricks · 03-26-2013, 02:40 PM

Barge into the building searchin to scar a couple children,
Entrance to my stilting, spilled filled drinks and reeled in,
To start spitting and covering like digestion be hovering,
I might as well be suffering, prestiged to start stuttering,
Life gave me lemons and I squirted them into my eye,
muttering ''quotes ain't raised for the cloverless'' I dived,
I died. Who thought I'd be spitting these graveyard rhymes,
Inside my mind, I cried a little till the fright died a little,
Threw brittle rhymes for a dime until I had to mime a cripple,
Sit playing the fiddle with the piper vibing till the kids come,
Swiping their multi-vitamins and getting off over a clip run,
Welcome to my swift running written spun-in web of shit,
On the net with a death-bed of rhythmical inedible spins,
On the typical medical sprint from the asylum reppin' up quick,
Imma diminish in this shit, and you can try to start at me,
Rolling over yourself, leave you with a cleft in your left cheek,

Homie of course I can always write better than this,
I just wrote this as a beginner spit to state that I exist.

Zen · 03-26-2013, 03:07 PM

Overall good drop. I saw a couple lines that I didn't enjoy like the lemon line and the few lines that followed of that. Also a few wording issues like in the first line I would've said scar some children instead of adding in the word couple since it kinda fucks up the multi there. But the lines towards the end were enjoyable. They flowed of the tongue easily as I read them and that's always nice. And I'd recommend to post feed on other people's verses if you expect to get feed on your piece honestly but keep droppin man.

Nigma · 03-26-2013, 03:14 PM

I agree with Zens criticisms. Aside from some wording issues you had a fairly consistent rhyme scheme. Only other advice I'd have is to progress with your ideas with more purpose, if that makes any sense to you.

Still a solid read that I was able to make it through without getting bored.

03-26-2013, 02:40 PM	#1
Matricks Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 3 Rep Power: 34	Statin' My Existence Barge into the building searchin to scar a couple children, Entrance to my stilting, spilled filled drinks and reeled in, To start spitting and covering like digestion be hovering, I might as well be suffering, prestiged to start stuttering, Life gave me lemons and I squirted them into my eye, muttering ''quotes ain't raised for the cloverless'' I dived, I died. Who thought I'd be spitting these graveyard rhymes, Inside my mind, I cried a little till the fright died a little, Threw brittle rhymes for a dime until I had to mime a cripple, Sit playing the fiddle with the piper vibing till the kids come, Swiping their multi-vitamins and getting off over a clip run, Welcome to my swift running written spun-in web of shit, On the net with a death-bed of rhythmical inedible spins, On the typical medical sprint from the asylum reppin' up quick, Imma diminish in this shit, and you can try to start at me, Rolling over yourself, leave you with a cleft in your left cheek, Homie of course I can always write better than this, I just wrote this as a beginner spit to state that I exist.

03-26-2013, 03:07 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Overall good drop. I saw a couple lines that I didn't enjoy like the lemon line and the few lines that followed of that. Also a few wording issues like in the first line I would've said scar some children instead of adding in the word couple since it kinda fucks up the multi there. But the lines towards the end were enjoyable. They flowed of the tongue easily as I read them and that's always nice. And I'd recommend to post feed on other people's verses if you expect to get feed on your piece honestly but keep droppin man.

03-26-2013, 03:14 PM	#3
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,724 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595810	I agree with Zens criticisms. Aside from some wording issues you had a fairly consistent rhyme scheme. Only other advice I'd have is to progress with your ideas with more purpose, if that makes any sense to you. Still a solid read that I was able to make it through without getting bored.