Morning Breath.

Clayray · 02-02-2014, 12:34 PM

Woke up and decided to do a morning flex
I get so attached to my pimples that when I pop them I mourn their death
I'm more than vexed Ya'll really looking like you bored with text
your diaphragms hollowed out, there's nothing to support your threats
your chick goes ass to mouth & I got cameras set up to record the sex
You passing out once my sword connects & you left with a quart or less
Who's laughin now? I will be when your vocal cords get stretched
I'm corrupted to the core, I'm wishin to leave you leakin
Have you pickin up the pieces, of your mother on the floor
this is nothing than a sport, kickin you while you sleepin
Spit fire from the tip of my tongue, that's a flamethrower
Bang on em from 3 blocks away when I'm drivin, that's a Range Rover
leave him assed out in the middle of nowhere, that's a Hangover
This alcoholic kill u quickly like when I fuck a bitch swiftly, yk I came sober
can't you see I'm more than death, my rhymes dirtier than morning breath.

Frank · 02-02-2014, 02:56 PM

Aight

Clayray · 02-02-2014, 11:43 PM

....right lol

Lars · 02-03-2014, 07:37 AM

some was cool, other parts the wording made it slightly awkward like "record the sex" to me just seems corny or out of place - there's so much that rhymes with that "-eh' sound too that you could have chosen from. Maybe i'm just an elitist faggot, but that's my honest view on that section. The range rover/hangover thing though was nice to me, I was glad to see you switched it up, and then also that you brought an end to it and carried on with something else rather than carrying it for too long. Multi-strings have a time and a place and can show your skill and technical ability off really well, but it's important to know when to stop with them also IMHO. I thought for what it was, this was a good little dispaly of skill.

keep that pen moving!

Witty · 02-03-2014, 02:05 PM

Spit fire from the tip of my tongue, that's a flamethrower
Bang on em from 3 blocks away when I'm drivin, that's a Range Rover
leave him assed out in the middle of nowhere, that's a Hangover
^Don't do this....this was the worst part, the way you wrote it just seemed super played.

This was cool tho, I liked it for the most part and you're talented at rhyming, not much to say other than that, I enjoyed the read other than the lines I quoted, I think you're better than that, I'd like to see more.

Lars · 02-03-2014, 02:16 PM

weird how I thought that bit was nicest

i'll never get textcees

Witty · 02-03-2014, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lars

weird how I thought that bit was nicest

i'll never get textcees

Ehhh, I've just seen the 'That's a ....' thing done way too many times, seems too easy, not that it wasn't written well, it just wasn't very creative imo.

Lars · 02-03-2014, 02:37 PM

bang on 'em from three blocks away was nice though

Wise Wiggles · 02-03-2014, 02:40 PM

That's a bite

Witty · 02-03-2014, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whys Weighs

That's a bite

From who and can u link?

02-02-2014, 12:34 PM	#1
Clayray 6ft of Seperation Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,541 Battle Record: 3-5 Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015) Rep Power: 0	Morning Breath. Woke up and decided to do a morning flex I get so attached to my pimples that when I pop them I mourn their death I'm more than vexed Ya'll really looking like you bored with text your diaphragms hollowed out, there's nothing to support your threats your chick goes ass to mouth & I got cameras set up to record the sex You passing out once my sword connects & you left with a quart or less Who's laughin now? I will be when your vocal cords get stretched I'm corrupted to the core, I'm wishin to leave you leakin Have you pickin up the pieces, of your mother on the floor this is nothing than a sport, kickin you while you sleepin Spit fire from the tip of my tongue, that's a flamethrower Bang on em from 3 blocks away when I'm drivin, that's a Range Rover leave him assed out in the middle of nowhere, that's a Hangover This alcoholic kill u quickly like when I fuck a bitch swiftly, yk I came sober can't you see I'm more than death, my rhymes dirtier than morning breath.

02-02-2014, 02:56 PM	#2
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Aight __________________ *VETWORK*

02-03-2014, 07:37 AM	#4
Lars PROVEN BITER Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Wolverhampton Posts: 1,588 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - The Winter Topical Rep Power: 1809295	some was cool, other parts the wording made it slightly awkward like "record the sex" to me just seems corny or out of place - there's so much that rhymes with that "-eh' sound too that you could have chosen from. Maybe i'm just an elitist faggot, but that's my honest view on that section. The range rover/hangover thing though was nice to me, I was glad to see you switched it up, and then also that you brought an end to it and carried on with something else rather than carrying it for too long. Multi-strings have a time and a place and can show your skill and technical ability off really well, but it's important to know when to stop with them also IMHO. I thought for what it was, this was a good little dispaly of skill. keep that pen moving! __________________ PROVEN BITER

02-03-2014, 02:05 PM	#5
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,794 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 82986458	Spit fire from the tip of my tongue, that's a flamethrower Bang on em from 3 blocks away when I'm drivin, that's a Range Rover leave him assed out in the middle of nowhere, that's a Hangover ^Don't do this....this was the worst part, the way you wrote it just seemed super played. This was cool tho, I liked it for the most part and you're talented at rhyming, not much to say other than that, I enjoyed the read other than the lines I quoted, I think you're better than that, I'd like to see more. __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

02-03-2014, 02:16 PM	#6
Lars PROVEN BITER Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Wolverhampton Posts: 1,588 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - The Winter Topical Rep Power: 1809295	weird how I thought that bit was nicest i'll never get textcees __________________ PROVEN BITER

02-02-2014, 11:43 PM	#3
Clayray 6ft of Seperation Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,541 Battle Record: 3-5 Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015) Rep Power: 0	....right lol

02-03-2014, 02:37 PM	#8
Lars PROVEN BITER Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Wolverhampton Posts: 1,588 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - The Winter Topical Rep Power: 1809295	bang on 'em from three blocks away was nice though __________________ PROVEN BITER

02-03-2014, 02:40 PM	#9
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,507 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788019	That's a bite __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"