Father times modernized broader mind

[Smooth]

I'm

father time's

modernized

broader mind

authorized

to turn the

nuclear key

Kamikaze on the rise

in a

suit

and a

tee

drop a bomb

out the sky

on a

troop

in a

jeep

Sock a gook

in the

teeth

Rob the loot

from a

thief

colonize

fallen tribes

drop a deuce

on a

priest (peace)

Maul a dude

with a

piece

of golfing shoe

from my

feet

Molecule in my

genes

that prolly grew

from a

beast

Sodomize

apologize,

ball

at a

nude nuns feet

Fall a viking

in the

light

of the moon

on the

sea

Lie nude on a

beach

write a tune

on a

piece

of iron strewn

from a

fleet

of

fighters crewed

by the

swedes

Easy rider

freedom writer..

Lighter

fueled by the

greed..

Fiji tiger

in a

cipher

with a

mule

and a

steed.

mine's a

true steez

duel me

I'm brighter with

ease..

I'm a zoo-keep

the way i

threw a

biter a piece.

[Objective]

Seems like rhyme-practice to me...

''drop a deuce on a priest (peace)
Maul a dude with a piece of golfing shoe from my feet''
^ You serious? That was wack as fuck and made close to no sense at all. In fact, a lot of the verse makes no sense at all and you rhyme for the sake of rhyming/flow. You need some content to go with that.

It started off as an idea that could be cool but got progressively wacker as the verse went on.

''Fiji tiger in a cipher with a mule and a steed.''
^ ...

[Smooth]

this is a flex piece yea.. just a bunch of general statements

[Objective]

Originally Posted by Smooth

this is a flex piece yea.. just a bunch of general statements

In that case your general statements were mostly wack tho'. No hate, just saying a lot of those lines were corny. I can enjoy flex pieces quite a bit, not this one tho'. If you have another piece you're more satisfied with or honestly think it's a lot better than this, feel free to post a link to it and I'll give you another chance to show off something that isn't horrible.

This ish had a basic flow that was easy to follow but it was wack as fuck cuz some of the lines didn't make sense, or I thought the concepts was either executed bad or reeked of filler. I liked the start tho', just not how you followed through with it because it didn't really lead to anything worth reading.

[Smooth]

Originally Posted by Objective

In that case your general statements were mostly wack tho'. No hate, just saying a lot of those lines were corny. I can enjoy flex pieces quite a bit, not this one tho'. If you have another piece you're more satisfied with or honestly think it's a lot better than this, feel free to post a link to it and I'll give you another chance to show off something that isn't horrible.
This ish had a basic flow that was easy to follow but it was wack as fuck cuz some of the lines didn't make sense, or I thought the concepts was either executed bad or reeked of filler. I liked the start tho', just not how you followed through with it because it didn't really lead to anything worth reading.

I feel ya

http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/foru...tml?KW=#260200

[Objective]

Originally Posted by Smooth

http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/foru...tml?KW=#260200

I'll comment on it here since it isn't on NC;

This was 100 times better than what's above imo. Cool descriptions and mostly shit that makes sense and not just seemingly random out of the blue sentences that hold no real relevance when it comes down to it. One thing is being abstract, another thing is making sense while you're at it.

If you compare the Fiji tiger-line to this;

'''Huge' on romantics, I'm Vandross with white orchids.
Il do a show in sand dunes with banjos and pipe organs..''

You can easily see a serious difference in how it makes sense while still being unique, you know?

Also, to feed the piece you showed me;

''I'm quick to share a cherry sprite and listen to Barry White.
I've found a Satin Soul I've been missing since forever..
I zone in when hunger hits and smother it as supper comes..
..float springs in subtle ships an smuggle bits of summer's sun.''
^ It's dope that you switch up the flow, but the second line here kinda sticks out as a sore thumb because nothing in the line really connects with anything rhymewise. Enjoyed the last two lines quite a bit tho'.

Although nursery rhyme-ish the switch up works 100 times better here;
''Dress up in phyre fashion.. 'Captains hat with ray bans'..
Ghadafi was the shit..
..tigers captured at my base camp..''

The verse you linked to as a whole seems pretty solid to me, rhymescheme being mostly on point without getting redundant and lots of imagery to follow through the flex ish. Compared to what you posted above this is dope as fuck. Looking forward to read more of the thought out shit from you and not just rhymes upon rhymes that doesn't lead anywhere.

[Smooth]

I appreciate the time you took to feed the verse man, thank you

[Objective]

No probs, keep it up. You should be on the lookout for the AOWL, I think it starts up once the topical tourney is over. If you haven't peeped it yet I'd take a look in the archives section to see what it's all about ( http://www.netcees.co/forumdisplay.php?f=167 ). See you around.

[Smooth]

Yeah i'll definitely check it out, thank you

[namix]

I thought this was an interesting read... and while it did not have a lot of conceptual build or really relevance, but to your point, it was a flex --- so I could appreciate it for what it was.

I did think when I saw the title that it was going to have some tremendous depth, the concept of "Father Time's Modernized Broader Mind" was actually a cool topic --- pretty open ended and could have been taken a lot of directions.... but yea, I realize it was most likely named after the first words of a multi you wanted to build off of -- and it was a fitting title as such. lol

the rhythm was clearly the best aspect of it, you had a nice flow throughout -- i liked how you switched up the rhymes then would call back to them, gave it nice structure and reinforced the rhythm to it.

In addition to the rhythm, there were a couple moments of innovative ideas -- that sometimes come easiest by simply thinking of a solid trisyllabic multi or something.

While some of the concepts were too simple, to Objective's point -- there were a couple moments of cool concepts that were born out of coming up with a suitable multi to keep the flow going lol.

for example: "colonize fallen tribes"..... that is actually a really cool concept in my opinion, actually even echoes the idea of a "modernized father time" -- since he can do the impossible, back to the past to bring fallen tribes into the future.


so again, it was a cool/easy read, and even refreshing... in the end, I appreciate the flow enough, and it made me want to write randomness myself, so that always says something ;)

[Smooth]

lol I appreciate the feedback bro, thank you

[Exis]

The fuck is with the structure??? As for content mwhahahaha...no hate but yo, this may fly in audio not in text...c'mon man, this section is packed with talent and you wanna drop this on us? Shhhiiittt.

Write sumthin' half decent bro...atleast for my sake lol.

[Smooth]

I got that, will you feed on it?

[Exis]

Of course...

[Smooth]

then I appreciate it. I appreciate you taking the time to read this too. This is the first thing I wrote after an 8 month hiatus so like Objective said, this was just rhyming practice for me. Getting the feel again.

[Exis]

All goods...blow that rust off just don't post nothin' like this again, deal? Lol.

[Smooth]

lol will do