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Old 03-16-2013, 09:17 PM   #1
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Default Black holes are where God divided by zero

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i born in a world where misery and pain reigned in the humanity
the demons managed to control their souls, led them to insanity
money is vanity, the economy and politic was already forgotten
taunts & threats all over the way of the society's actual problem
the police was absent, chaos and criminals all over the streets
peace's concept was missing and the havoc would never cease
situation was not nice, homeless and scared families suffering
while the rich part of the population was supposedly restructuring
a nightmare without ending, negative emotional responses from the minds
the only thing left is to let ourselves be carried away by the winds
government is blind, they don't take actions about the situation
while the nation is on crisis the president is taking vacations
encountering with piles of dead bodies was the worst type of perturbation
the neighbors tried to hold an evacuation but there was no salvation
the lack of collaboration from other parties caused desesperation
the lack of orentation made us fall in some type of precipitation
different accusations caused the wrath of guilty persons
then the innocents started sliding in the bad side of the population
the worst situation, all houses and businesses are looted
lost the feelings and hopes of the controversy be concluded
we wasn't included in the plan of 'bring everything back to normal'
they wanted to kill the poorest and re build with the most importants
as mortals fought with stick & stones agaisnt the evil force
no matter if we die since the problem couldn't get any worse
the more poor the bravest is the heart, holding an open mind
we just couldn't let ourselves be killed by the arrogance we left behind

i'm always thinking in the past, i don't see a future ...
... there is black holes all over the society's structure
i'm tired of fighting.. fuck this shit
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Old 03-18-2013, 01:00 AM   #2
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Default

Quote:
a nightmare without ending, negative emotional responses from the minds
the only thing left is to let ourselves be carried away by the winds
Couldn't think of an accent that would make this rhyme.

Anyways, the piece was well written. Seems like your just creating an image of some dystopian society, or even our present day society. Didn't really get any new idea out of it, or a different point of view, but you still wrote what you did well. Good use of vocab too.

And the pic is sick
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Old 03-18-2013, 05:08 PM   #3
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dug this topic dude! loved the idea of "black holes = where god divided by zero".

overall smart subject matter, and solid execution. You have the ingredients to make a helluva meal bro - try to utilize what you know about life the way you have, except bring the audience there from a different direction. most people who have 'creative problems' tend to not be able to think of their 'end point' -- you have A LOT of depth to pull from here, and within your end point of this topic, you could 'subdivide' infinite end-points, so subject matter is not an issue. connect to your audience in a unique way -- use 'that other dimension' to bring them to the end point you are trying to reveal.

that unique spin will make it that much more meaningful - use allusion, let their mind conclude what you are trying to showcase... and do it through an overarching theme with more allusion/metaphor sprinkled throughout. there are salient points in here but at times it can kind of come off fact-of-the-matter'ish (and thats to those who understand) -- a test for these kinds of topics is to try to make it speak in a language where even those who DONT "get it" would appreciate it too.... i remember a stage i was in of writing like this bro - and dont take that the wrong way, because it wasnt that long ago either and i'm a solid writer - but i tried to be real straight forward with a complex truth, and there is a way you can do it both real and real creative...

this may sound like deep feedback, but based on some of the subject matter you're alluding to, buut if that doesn't make any sense, just let me know and i'm happy to clarify bro.

good stuff.
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Old 03-21-2013, 02:28 PM   #4
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figurative that pic is called "nightmare" as i wanted to interpret a nightmare about the society, agree with the winds and minds line, thank you bro. namix thanks for the opinion and suggestions, really appreciate them. i'll keep all this in my mind along the time. will peep any open mics open from you both.
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