Ghost That's Livin (vent piece)

Zen · 03-08-2013, 02:23 PM

Quick little keystyle vent.

Time is slippin, My mind is grippin this pain and anguish,
I'm wandering why I can't just change this, I wanna hang the shameless
And leave reality, Reach immortality and leave the fallacies
And relieve this doubt in me but nothing works,
Only when I'm stuck in a verse do I feel loved or worth
A mention of attention since I'm descendin into cuffs or a hearse,
But what's worse? Death or imprisonment?
That's what I'm left livin with but I've yet to give a shit
Because I won't waste a breath mentionin it.
I'm a poet and I know it but how do I show it
When noone listens? I'm a ghost that's livin
That's spoke through writtens with dope precision
To coax the living to blow the buildings
Of those who loathe the children that's poverty stricken,
I know I'm worlds away from the pearly gates but when that moments arisen
I hope I'll be forgiven...

Nigma · 03-08-2013, 03:16 PM

Nice key Zen, kept it steady all the way through.

"A mention of attention since I'm descendin into cuffs or a hearse" - Nice internals and progression of thought

"I'm a poet and I know it but how do I show it"- Felt really cliche, probably the weakest portion of the verse but adequately set up the following line

"When noone listens? I'm a ghost that's livin" Liked the visual with the paradox

The next two lines kinda strayed away from the theme a bit, which is something that tends to happen with freestyles but still something to mention and work on.

"I know I'm worlds away from the pearly gates but when that moments arisen" - Solid 'closer' line

Overall enjoyable key, only critique would be to have a concept generated and try sticking to it a bit closer and be careful not to stray off topic, but for what it was this is a solid read

Zen · 03-08-2013, 04:35 PM

Much obliged Nigma for the feed

Camp Bell · 03-08-2013, 07:39 PM

nice. this was flowing well for me even with the flipped schemes, but i got to
this "Because I won't waste a breath mentionin it." it threw the flow off for me
"..to mention it" wouldve been smoother in my opinion. nice drop tho bruh, it
was definitely expressive for it to be a key. i enjoyed this nonetheless, id just
say to keep working and try not to stretch a certain word or line, keep it simple

Zen · 03-08-2013, 07:53 PM

Shit just saw that mention line lol. Appreciate it Camp

03-08-2013, 02:23 PM	#1
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Ghost That's Livin (vent piece) Quick little keystyle vent. Time is slippin, My mind is grippin this pain and anguish, I'm wandering why I can't just change this, I wanna hang the shameless And leave reality, Reach immortality and leave the fallacies And relieve this doubt in me but nothing works, Only when I'm stuck in a verse do I feel loved or worth A mention of attention since I'm descendin into cuffs or a hearse, But what's worse? Death or imprisonment? That's what I'm left livin with but I've yet to give a shit Because I won't waste a breath mentionin it. I'm a poet and I know it but how do I show it When noone listens? I'm a ghost that's livin That's spoke through writtens with dope precision To coax the living to blow the buildings Of those who loathe the children that's poverty stricken, I know I'm worlds away from the pearly gates but when that moments arisen I hope I'll be forgiven...

03-08-2013, 07:39 PM	#4
Camp Bell Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 733 Battle Record: 10-18 Rep Power: 0	nice. this was flowing well for me even with the flipped schemes, but i got to this "Because I won't waste a breath mentionin it." it threw the flow off for me "..to mention it" wouldve been smoother in my opinion. nice drop tho bruh, it was definitely expressive for it to be a key. i enjoyed this nonetheless, id just say to keep working and try not to stretch a certain word or line, keep it simple __________________ get high. write rhymes.

03-08-2013, 03:16 PM	#2
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,724 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595810	Nice key Zen, kept it steady all the way through. "A mention of attention since I'm descendin into cuffs or a hearse" - Nice internals and progression of thought "I'm a poet and I know it but how do I show it"- Felt really cliche, probably the weakest portion of the verse but adequately set up the following line "When noone listens? I'm a ghost that's livin" Liked the visual with the paradox The next two lines kinda strayed away from the theme a bit, which is something that tends to happen with freestyles but still something to mention and work on. "I know I'm worlds away from the pearly gates but when that moments arisen" - Solid 'closer' line Overall enjoyable key, only critique would be to have a concept generated and try sticking to it a bit closer and be careful not to stray off topic, but for what it was this is a solid read

03-08-2013, 04:35 PM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Much obliged Nigma for the feed

03-08-2013, 07:53 PM	#5
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Shit just saw that mention line lol. Appreciate it Camp