02-16-2013, 11:37 AM | #1 |
Lime Life
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,794
Battle Record: 30-41
Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded
Champed - Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic
Rep Power: 82986458 |
I Can't Stop
I Can't Stop.
Exert 1. My brittle bones tap the keys, trapping me within this zone And in my soul my faculties shackle me to sit and groan Piss and moan, unhappily I live alone within this tome That captures me, art that craftily has stitched and sewn Itself to me, we become one with the help we need To help each other grow, in my art I plant my seed My heart it can't recede, this light in the dark is meant for me My life is in these words, I write my scars to set me free This book is my life, it's my wand, my suit...it's my strife Losing my wife and kids, gave me awful blues.. ...But I knew I had to choose, and I knew I was right As he sits and faces a new day, his face is a blue/gray The gloom in his basement raises his mood's flames As the last withering flower decays in the bouquet He meant to give his wife, and he hates that it's too late He's standing and pacing, finding his place in his new fate The choice he made took faith, it raised and removed weight Now he can't regret, he has to face it and look straight Into the eyes of grace, and the taste on his new plate Exert 2. Drinking through the night, I'm sinking into fright See I write of what I think, and only think of what I write And this river that flows succinct, is bringing me delight My heart and soul on a page, my misery, my fight Physically I'm broken, mentally I split my soul in two Keep half for me, but still give what is owed to you I won't pretend, my writtens are my only friends Holding hands, a special bond formed from lonely pens See I write about my life, but my life is just my writing And though a real life is so inviting, my soul's declining All day I stare at this paper, my nightmare and my savior I can't stop writing, and other people? I can't bare them... They're fakers. As the words leak from the pen, he's weeping again No sleep in a week, he's much weaker than planned His heart beats for release, while he seeks to pretend The beast he unleashed gives him peace as a friend Though he knows it deceives, he still won't believe that it can Pollute his soul...it can't be evil....it can't. Exert 3. I'm panicking, my words rambling...I can't think anymore My pen's ink runs dry, as I cry and sink to the floor But I have to stand, this disaster can't kill my master plan I've been here before, this feeling will pass again Writer's block, a drought in my mind's eye, the fire's hot But the words mean nothing if my mind is locked Out of inspiration, what is this blight that God's giving? And how can you write about life, if you're not living? I can't leave this desk, so I sit here dancing with stress A bitter romance that will kill my plans, I'm a mess I know I need to get out, and just give up this damn plot But my words need me, I need my words...I just.. ...can't stop...
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He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
02-16-2013, 01:17 PM | #2 |
Om
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6,473
Battle Record: 8-16
Rep Power: 84181559 |
Physically I'm broken, mentally I split my soul in two Keep half for me, but still give what is owed to you
^^^ That was ill Out of inspiration, what is this blight that God's giving? And how can you write about life, if you're not living? ^^^ I liked this as well. The story was nice, the format was maybe just a little too bland. It made the reading feel repetitive after a while. But what it did help with was the overall smoothness and comprehension. I was in and out and didn't have to reread a thing, which is enjoyable for me. There are some really good lines in here, you were especially thoughtful about catching his desolation. The ending fit great as well. I dig it. If it isn't too much, you could feed my piece maybe? See you around man.
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BIRDHORSE 8-15 |
02-16-2013, 09:44 PM | #3 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Rep Power: 35 |
Line for line this piece was perfectly weaved together. Kept me interested the whole way through. Got nothing bad to say about this. I thought this was ill. I'll peep u again nxt time u drop.
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02-17-2013, 09:39 AM | #4 |
White Earl
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Yo witt romney. Dope shit
This was a ill league verse man, cake woulda had a rough way to go with this one for sure. Sry it got no showed. Had it all though. Great mechanics/structure/flow and content. Wsent well with the topic to imo. Gonna drop short feed right now but just stopping by to say it was a dope piece man. Upping
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-A.bove T.he R.est |
02-17-2013, 03:44 PM | #5 |
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8,904
Battle Record: 27-22
Rep Power: 85899395 |
this was good. Sucks you put in so much work to get no showed.
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http://split8.yolasite.com |
02-20-2013, 11:10 PM | #7 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,785
Battle Record: 17-32
Rep Power: 52474189 |
Loved the read. Very well crafted piece you got here. The flow throughout is smooth and the story itself isn't exactly dope but you managed to make it dope by writing in an interesting way that keeps the reader to the very end. Props.
The way you write about his feelings and the state that he's in is dope as fuck. Loved this part of the piece because of that; As the words leak from the pen, he's weeping again No sleep in a week, he's much weaker than planned His heart beats for release, while he seeks to pretend The beast he unleashed gives him peace as a friend Though he knows it deceives, he still won't believe that it can Pollute his soul...it can't be evil....it can't. ^ This is top notch shit. ^^ |
03-05-2013, 09:27 AM | #8 |
Senior Member
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I like to see dope topical heads, you had a cool flow. keep dropping!
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03-06-2013, 05:53 AM | #9 |
Upset Champion
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Mids
Posts: 3,861
Battle Record: 57-49
Accomplishments - 50 Wins
Champed - BA Rookie Tourney
- 1-2 Punch League (x2)
- Pandemonium Cypher
- 1-2 Punch league Season 9
Rep Power: 24894578 |
Nice drop dude, total shame it got no showed but props - rushing like mad right now and having issues with my phone* but will certainly get some detailed feedback across when i get a chance fam.
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03-14-2013, 11:43 AM | #10 |
loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,079
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853212 |
I gotta up this. pretty dope piece witty. flow and all that is gravy on this piece. well done man. looking forward to our battle.
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