Another fucking love poem

Just Write · 01-30-2019, 12:02 PM

I'm done with relationships...
done following these naked scripts
What happen to being real? All I see is people actin' fake 'n shit.
Let's face it kid's, nowadays people don't know what faithful is
You're only valued for what you can either make or give
No one wants to grow together*on this road to forever
People would rather walk on by than to coast together
I hoped I would never get this way, broken and lost in pain
I don't even hope for someone new anymore, I've lost to the game
Im*Hanging up the towel, destined to forever be alone
Still it's somewhat peaceful ...knowing no one is at home.
Lately I've been struggling to feel, having these massive thoughts of suicide
Arguing with myself, "who has the stronger will, you or I?"
All I've come up with are these stupid lies I use to fool my foolish eyes
believing one day I'll be more than just some useless guy who should have died
I'll be honest some days are harder than others, I mean most days I awkwardly suffer
Worn out and lost all my luster, empty inside, toil at night, endlessly rustling covers.

Will leave some feed tonight ❤

Sinacog · 01-30-2019, 12:43 PM

Hello, Just Write; - allow me to leave you feed-back of what I enjoyed, and what you can improve one..lol...

First of all, I enjoyed this kind of conjoined love poem; - it was filled with robust talent thought;, and acquired skill level. I never really felt lost for your narrative; and it was a enjoyable decent read. I enjoyed some of the one-liners here and there; had some cool lines scattered throughout this piece; so to speak. Some of the wording I feel; could use more complexity; or some of your imagery; so to speak. Maybe add some personification, or metaphorical imagery in there? Similes would be good as-well. That's just me, however. You seem to do good in other areas, with simplicity which is a good point your making. This would be a good written;, in a newspaper article or perhaps in a journal. I enjoyed the ending, has the feeling you are alone instead of with your lover. Overall - nice one, man. To improve, maybe up the complexity;, and more imagery. Other than that, this was fairly decent. Nice one, man. Keep writing!

Pharaohs Army · 02-04-2019, 12:47 AM

Your title alone suggests to me that you're aware that this is cliche subject matter.

A simple arrangement; but you have good rhyming and cadence ability.

Thus, with your talent you should go for something more exciting and fresh next time.

01-30-2019, 12:02 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997613	Another fucking love poem I'm done with relationships... done following these naked scripts What happen to being real? All I see is people actin' fake 'n shit. Let's face it kid's, nowadays people don't know what faithful is You're only valued for what you can either make or give No one wants to grow togetheron this road to forever People would rather walk on by than to coast together I hoped I would never get this way, broken and lost in pain I don't even hope for someone new anymore, I've lost to the game ImHanging up the towel, destined to forever be alone Still it's somewhat peaceful ...knowing no one is at home. Lately I've been struggling to feel, having these massive thoughts of suicide Arguing with myself, "who has the stronger will, you or I?" All I've come up with are these stupid lies I use to fool my foolish eyes believing one day I'll be more than just some useless guy who should have died I'll be honest some days are harder than others, I mean most days I awkwardly suffer Worn out and lost all my luster, empty inside, toil at night, endlessly rustling covers. Will leave some feed tonight ❤ __________________ Last edited by Just Write; 01-30-2019 at 12:06 PM.

01-30-2019, 12:43 PM	#2
Sinacog Satan Join Date: Dec 2018 Posts: 2,156 Battle Record: 4-25 Rep Power: 8129212	Hello, Just Write; - allow me to leave you feed-back of what I enjoyed, and what you can improve one..lol... First of all, I enjoyed this kind of conjoined love poem; - it was filled with robust talent thought;, and acquired skill level. I never really felt lost for your narrative; and it was a enjoyable decent read. I enjoyed some of the one-liners here and there; had some cool lines scattered throughout this piece; so to speak. Some of the wording I feel; could use more complexity; or some of your imagery; so to speak. Maybe add some personification, or metaphorical imagery in there? Similes would be good as-well. That's just me, however. You seem to do good in other areas, with simplicity which is a good point your making. This would be a good written;, in a newspaper article or perhaps in a journal. I enjoyed the ending, has the feeling you are alone instead of with your lover. Overall - nice one, man. To improve, maybe up the complexity;, and more imagery. Other than that, this was fairly decent. Nice one, man. Keep writing!

02-04-2019, 12:47 AM	#3
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Your title alone suggests to me that you're aware that this is cliche subject matter. A simple arrangement; but you have good rhyming and cadence ability. Thus, with your talent you should go for something more exciting and fresh next time.