War Of The Worlds

Mr. J · 07-22-2015, 03:26 AM

I awoke. To a burst of laughter in a eruption of pain
born into a world where only corruption can gain
I can only observe, there is nothing to say...
this prison, these walls built off of dysfunctional praise
a future that is presently adjusting to fate...
foundation is tested, bridges burned over crushing debates
pride fed by ideas that are still stuck in a phase
a rage that I fear only seduction can tame
under the bosom, where all my conundrums remain
if only her eyes told more with her illustrious gaze
maybe 'life' would make sense, something can change
or nothing...these are all just assumptions I make
her heart held by an imagination that's running away
...behind them now. Their greed & happiness
what a twisted world that we weaved extravagant
even a fresh outlook couldn't lean the adamant
hard to tell whose 'who' all of our dreams are elaborate
'Hope' it's only a curse, our diseased amulet..
treasured deep & buried in a completed labyrinth
if they dug any further, they could feed the ravenous
but they won't..it can only lead to damages
truth comes to light upon a repeated analysis
in a moment, stolen, laugh or feel compassionate
it makes no difference, to see is to believe..
& I don't believe half of it...
smoke & mirrors, distractions, weak, inaccurate..
the weight of the world, Lady Libra balances
behind them now...is their greed & happiness
I awoke, to a burst of laughter & my eruption of pain
born into a world where only corruption can gain
a rage...I fear that only seduction can tame...
I can only observe...there is nothing to say

scrapped Martyr verse *revised & rehashed*

UnbornBuddha · 07-23-2015, 11:19 PM

I like this Mr J. But, I feel with you, that you always start slow, without much fire to your kettle, so to speak. I mean every writer has this problem now and then, but I notice that sometimes you struggle with initiating this fire. But, once you get it to the tipping point you shine brilliantly. And sometimes you scorch yourself because of letting the fire get too hot and not being able to control the content and the material. And so, your verse dissolves in the chaotic and rampant spread of this fire that you initiated. Here you did not suffer from the latter problem and delivered a fine display of introspective questioning on the components that make up this basic inquiries of the world, as well as its workings.

My favorite part starts from: "what a twisted world that we weaved extravagant" to the finish. You depicted this observational viewpoint that was almost neutral, with a hint of anarchy. It was well done. Also one thing I'm now noticing is that I wasn't fond of "corruption can gain a rage" it sounds strange, and though I kind of understand what you're aiming for, it still does not really work out.

But. either than that good work. I enjoyed the read.

07-22-2015, 03:26 AM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,024 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	War Of The Worlds I awoke. To a burst of laughter in a eruption of pain born into a world where only corruption can gain I can only observe, there is nothing to say... this prison, these walls built off of dysfunctional praise a future that is presently adjusting to fate... foundation is tested, bridges burned over crushing debates pride fed by ideas that are still stuck in a phase a rage that I fear only seduction can tame under the bosom, where all my conundrums remain if only her eyes told more with her illustrious gaze maybe 'life' would make sense, something can change or nothing...these are all just assumptions I make her heart held by an imagination that's running away ...behind them now. Their greed & happiness what a twisted world that we weaved extravagant even a fresh outlook couldn't lean the adamant hard to tell whose 'who' all of our dreams are elaborate 'Hope' it's only a curse, our diseased amulet.. treasured deep & buried in a completed labyrinth if they dug any further, they could feed the ravenous but they won't..it can only lead to damages truth comes to light upon a repeated analysis in a moment, stolen, laugh or feel compassionate it makes no difference, to see is to believe.. & I don't believe half of it... smoke & mirrors, distractions, weak, inaccurate.. the weight of the world, Lady Libra balances behind them now...is their greed & happiness I awoke, to a burst of laughter & my eruption of pain born into a world where only corruption can gain a rage...I fear that only seduction can tame... I can only observe...there is nothing to say scrapped Martyr verse revised & rehashed __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

07-23-2015, 11:19 PM	#2
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	I like this Mr J. But, I feel with you, that you always start slow, without much fire to your kettle, so to speak. I mean every writer has this problem now and then, but I notice that sometimes you struggle with initiating this fire. But, once you get it to the tipping point you shine brilliantly. And sometimes you scorch yourself because of letting the fire get too hot and not being able to control the content and the material. And so, your verse dissolves in the chaotic and rampant spread of this fire that you initiated. Here you did not suffer from the latter problem and delivered a fine display of introspective questioning on the components that make up this basic inquiries of the world, as well as its workings. My favorite part starts from: "what a twisted world that we weaved extravagant" to the finish. You depicted this observational viewpoint that was almost neutral, with a hint of anarchy. It was well done. Also one thing I'm now noticing is that I wasn't fond of "corruption can gain a rage" it sounds strange, and though I kind of understand what you're aiming for, it still does not really work out. But. either than that good work. I enjoyed the read.