XI WK II: Universe (1-0) vs. Scar (0-1) (UNIVERSE WINS 5-1)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Sunday, December, 11th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Tuesday, December, 13th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @Universe @Scar

TOPIC:

[Universe]

Subsidy - Part II

Previously...

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=152086

......

Somewhere On the Atlantic - New Years Eve, 1958

This deep dive's in baby steps, I'm not the type to straight confess
I saved a letter that said, 'Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt'
I didn't want to take the credit for when I swiped the dame and yet...
Until my pay's collected, she'll wait by my side with bated breath
Attached at the hip like bayonets, I kidnapped Anna to make amends
If we're making honest statements she never even saw the age of ten...
Final arrangements left me debating if I would wake up dead
Laid to rest in the wide array of sixty foot tidal waves ahead
I'm dropping sail again, hearing radio commercials in the breeze
I near a Bathysphere to leave - A spherical submersible machine
In a lighthouse off the coast of Greenland, some sunken alien crashed ship
The shuttle made it to Rapture amongst other subterranean factions
Subtly displaying ads - Anna's the mainline attraction
Regularly asking about the location of dead angels and ADAM
She opened tears in the fabric of spacetime yet could never go
It's then I chose powers called plasmids to rewrite my genetic code
I suppose the object of my affection was a childish ghost
Needing a symbiotic interaction, the girl was the only viable host
A genetically enhanced isotope; Tetrahedron triangles disguised
Now I can prove she's alive, everything science claimed to deny...
Replicate and survive; I preserve all armored diving suits I find
Organs sliced and groomed then spliced into the giant brute inside
Fontaine's Orphanage was the buyer, the meeting seemed prearranged
As mutated goons made their move I was immediately enraged
I engaged and slayed these eaters of offspring like the genophage
Took center stage, relieved the mob seemingly didn't have their weapons aimed
Stray bullets never pierced my metal, taking shots was a test of will
I gripped a heavy drill and pressed the hilt until all intestines spilled
Screams intense and shrill, filling an EVE kit is a bitter pill
Incinerate, Electrocute... unleash Telekinesis and Winter Chill!
Like ink from tentacles, limbs in receptacles limit the spectacle
My mind state was like the vibration behind a quivering reticle
Industry professionals guessed interest in the debt would rise
1959... the end is nigh in this fucked up head of mine
To Anna's surprise we managed to thrive; There's no talking directly
She just skipped along incessantly, "Daddy will always protect me..."

Sorry I let you down.

Office of Booker DeWitt - Investigations Into Matters Both Public & Private

Nightmares tolerate a crawling pace, yet I was shocked awake
The ominous depths of my consciousness replaced with an office space
In awful pain, my body aches... A nearby fan just oscillates...
Jostling a locked and framed 'Private Investigator' badge that's on display
Ignoring chalkboard dates and evidence of what's scrawled across the way...
On that building... A haunting phrase now washed away by lots of rain
My daughter stayed oddly complacent while a Songbird played
Her crib rocking from small earthquakes - An uncanny valley with tall terrain
It's all a game... Who paused my save in the trauma stage?
If laws can break, my heart's encased in chain linking armored plates
Up here I'm far from safe even with combinations to dull the pain
Anna is a toy, not to be played with - A reborn doll her late momma made...
A KNOCK erased all the traces of cobwebs crowding atop my brain
I wandered to the door knob, rotating what's been unlocked for days
An old man leaned on a cane, shoddy posture/gait was commonplace
"Comstock's the name..." He exclaimed as he extended a palm to shake
"I thought you may want to locate someone that was lost with haste"
I respond, "Okay, but if it's not too late I'll sit and contemplate"
Comstock's unfazed, "I didn't come all this way to watch you lob grenades"
"We must find this fallen angel... I'll compensate should you want the case..." (I nodded)
"Great! But you can no longer claim to hold the prophet's gaze"
"You're not absolved from flawed remains that shouldered all the blame"
"I know you were taught to create a world where all your thoughts escape"
"But you're not shipshape, hence why your daughter's fate was met on a lake..."
"Best not to stray..." He walked away before I questioned his knowledge base
Guess long delays grandfather in what only God can say...
Anna starts bawling, strange... she's made of vinyl plank and water paint...
A doppelganger? Think I'll go check on my baby if it's all the same...

Anna, is that you?



https://bioshock.fandom.com/wiki/Big_Daddy

https://bioshock.fandom.com/wiki/Booker_DeWitt

[Scar]

"Holy Knight"

T’was the night before christmas and all through town
cocoas and teas were stirring with myrrh scented
Down
On the west end of town shrouded in snow was Joe’s Diner
An oasis from the cold, where lonely souls go to be found

It’s a slow night. The storm outside rages as joe, tend to the stew
On the other side of the counter, an attractive woman not shy of vanilla scented perfume
Sitting in a booth right behind her, a grizzled gentlemen in tattered pea coat
Graciously slurping tomato soup all to the score of O'Tannenbaum three notes

The tree glowed an ambiance of haven from the hellish storm, it was homely
As snow creeps, the doorbell jingled a new arrival; One more for the lonely

He made his way to the counter, situating himself next to the woman
“Is this taken?” he signaled to the emtpy stool next to her
“No” she smiled.
“You lied!” as he sat down. “It is taken!”

A nervous laughter broke as she gauge his deed
He was handsome; Too handsome to be out on Christmas Eve.
“I’m Corey”, he said, smiling “thanks for sitting next to me”

"I'm Anna, Do you always go around hitting on strangers?”
“Hey blame it on my palm reader. He said, ‘Christmas evening, your future awaits ya’
Who am i to go against the rule of fate, huh?,
they shared a laugh

The grizzled man behind them observed the couple
Smirking with every bad line the man chuckled
Slurping his soup and hunk of bread, he intently studied the interloper.
He’s quite the joker, charming as expected.
A conversationalist, suaved in his method.

“Ok”, said Corey, to the young lady, your favorite Christmas Movie.
“Umm” “A Christmas story,”, she replied.
“Oh you’re the violent type, you enjoyed it when Ralph shot out his eyes”
“We’ll, you know that never happened”. It was a sensationalized message of the movie.
“It could have.”
“Are you saying it’s a cautionary tale?”
“Yes I am, ma’am.
“Ok, your turn. Favorite Christmas Movie and why?”
"Nosferatu"
At this the man in the booth chuckled drawing the attention of the couple.
“Huh? continue on”
think about it, supernatural figure creeping around at night with a weird fascination with home.."
“i mean i guess”

He was sweet she thought to herself, at that instance a text message arrived
“Are you still coming tonight?”
It was her friend Nancy reminding her that the office holiday shindigs done started
She turned to him, and ask if he would accompanied her to her office party

“Are you asking me on a date, miss?”
“It depends” she countered.”
Grabbing their pea coats, they left a tip
on the counter before Their exits,
Out the door and jovially marched into the storm.
The grizzled man, still studying the couple, grab his coat and followed out the door.

They traveled from holiday blitzed wonderland to a darkened alley.
Suddenly he took her by her waist and whispered, “look at me”
She stared into his eyes. It appeared dreamy.
She was literally walking on air it seems
Brought back to a time of cinnamon, nutmeg and hot chocolate drinks.
He moved his head closer to her face. A dollop of kisses
It was nice she thought, he made his mouth south to her neck.
Kissing and lightly biting it. Hands on her breast,
She felt a sudden change
Snapped out of her trance, dazed, felt her neck. Her fingers, slender branch of bloodied pain

she quickly pushed him off. His mouth gaped wide revealing a long set of fangs.
Fretting her hand she fought for control, he was strong
She screamed and struggled to push him off.

As he opened his mouth wider, she saw a glowing hand
Wrapping itself around the Corey's neck, like a golden band
It lifted Corey about 8 foot in the air, violently pulling him off the frightened girl
She caught a glimpse of the person choking Corey,
It was the grizzled man from Joe's diner.
He looked unnatural, a yellow glow enveloped his body, and he was sparkling!
As he pulled Corey away, she can see something sprouting.
A large bat wing. Struggling to free himself from the clutch of the man’s hand.
At that moment, the man also sprouted a golden wing. He looked at Corey and drug him up into the night sky.

She sat there in pain and tears. Just as a hobo entered the clear.
You’re lucky dear, for the spirit is nearing birth
Every Christmas Eve the lord sends his Seraphim to clean the earth.

*its over 64, i will gladly accept any penalty. Sorry Uni, its nearing the hour and i dont have time to edit. not feeling well

[symetrik]

univ - solid verse as always, a little rereading rereading rereading to keep focused which can be rough but we patient. good flows. I think the ending was a lot weak than the first part.

scar - some sloppy, needed edits, hope you're feeling better. good imagery, clear to see where we were, great twist totally missed it, but the end plummeted hard.

mvgt universe

[brokenhal0]

universe - at his best that's how it's done on point in every area

scar - some of this sounded reads like dialogue
its not rhymeable it lacked flow or ''bboyism'' in certain areas
i felt you killed momentum of some epic shit which made it read
like a story written in a book instead of a hip hop verse
but there were moments of brilliance in certain lines just wished it had more hiphop style then story style
my opinion

mvgt- universe

[Frank]

VOTE FLAGGED:

Further Explanation Required!
@symetrik @brokenhal0

univ - solid verse as always, a little rereading rereading rereading to keep focused which can be rough but we patient. good flows. I think the ending was a lot weak than the first part.

scar - some sloppy, needed edits, hope you're feeling better. good imagery, clear to see where we were, great twist totally missed it, but the end plummeted hard.

mvgt universe

universe - at his best that's how it's done on point in every area

scar - some of this sounded reads like dialogue
its not rhymeable it lacked flow or ''bboyism'' in certain areas
i felt you killed momentum of some epic shit which made it read
like a story written in a book instead of a hip hop verse
but there were moments of brilliance in certain lines just wished it had more hiphop style then story style
my opinion

mvgt- universe

[symetrik]

@Frank, bet - dead with no-shows and demanding more work, but I guess I get it cuz it'll encourage more people to show if the votes are dope. catch 22?

Universe -

This deep dive's in baby steps, I'm not the type to straight confess
I saved a letter that said, 'Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt'
I didn't want to take the credit for when I swiped the dame and yet...
Until my pay's collected, she'll wait by my side with bated breath

flow from line 1 to line 2 falls off, weak.
same with 3 to 4, this could have flowed a lot smoother.
interested imagery, first line seems to be both "I'm not gonna confess to what I did", but also low key about the way Universe writes - seems to take it line by line and go into a pretty deep dive, baby steps, no quick confession.
"swiped the dame", but then later says she's under ten or at least those two are connected to me, seems odd wording for a kid.

Attached at the hip like bayonets, I kidnapped Anna to make amends
If we're making honest statements she never even saw the age of ten...
Final arrangements left me debating if I would wake up dead
Laid to rest in the wide array of sixty foot tidal waves ahead

very aquatic, sea imagery which I don't feel connected to the topic - but I guess I dunno if there's something I'm missing, with the BioShock video reference at the end. never played, sue me - I'd rather the topic be the topic and that knowledge beyond isn't required, if this or the whole piece is something to play off that.
I don't understand Anna being attached at the hip, y'all were tight friends before she got kidnapped? did she die? raises questions, doesn't make clear statements.
better flow.

I'm dropping sail again, hearing radio commercials in the breeze
I near a Bathysphere to leave - A spherical submersible machine
In a lighthouse off the coast of Greenland, some sunken alien crashed ship
The shuttle made it to Rapture amongst other subterranean factions

again water water water. you've done okay holding to this partial theme but it's not connecting for me. I liked line 2, a nod to the reader, a "hey this is a cool word I wanted to use, so here's the definition" without really breaking the flow or the belief.
"sunken alien crashed ship" reads difficult, playing with the order of words can be a nightmare and this one didn't land, though I do understand what we're talking about.
escaping into some underground factions? underwater? underground? what are we doing here.

Subtly displaying ads - Anna's the mainline attraction
Regularly asking about the location of dead angels and ADAM
She opened tears in the fabric of spacetime yet could never go
It's then I chose powers called plasmids to rewrite my genetic code
I suppose the object of my affection was a childish ghost
Needing a symbiotic interaction, the girl was the only viable host

more BioShock stuff, starting to get the idea that Anna isn't dead because of the writer even though he takes responsibility (but doesn't seem to want to confess that he feels responsible?), this could be more clear. your stuff can be deep but when where clarity presents a clear read, and interpretations presents a personal read, this requires a reread to unpuzzle a puzzle and I don't feel a connection.

A genetically enhanced isotope; Tetrahedron triangles disguised
Now I can prove she's alive, everything science claimed to deny...
Replicate and survive; I preserve all armored diving suits I find
Organs sliced and groomed then spliced into the giant brute inside

BioShock? *shrugs*

Fontaine's Orphanage was the buyer, the meeting seemed prearranged
As mutated goons made their move I was immediately enraged
I engaged and slayed these eaters of offspring like the genophage
Took center stage, relieved the mob seemingly didn't have their weapons aimed
Stray bullets never pierced my metal, taking shots was a test of will
I gripped a heavy drill and pressed the hilt until all intestines spilled
Screams intense and shrill, filling an EVE kit is a bitter pill
Incinerate, Electrocute... unleash Telekinesis and Winter Chill!
Like ink from tentacles, limbs in receptacles limit the spectacle
My mind state was like the vibration behind a quivering reticle

I think there's a character in the game that's a big brute with a drill, decent connection, decent flow, but again this is heavily reliant on the reader being a BioShock fan/knowledgeable at least.

Industry professionals guessed interest in the debt would rise
1959... the end is nigh in this fucked up head of mine
To Anna's surprise we managed to thrive; There's no talking directly
She just skipped along incessantly, "Daddy will always protect me..."

Sorry I let you down.

I like the ending, in general - kid skipping along, always feeling like her paternal connection will protect her (or hopefully feeling like that), shit like that. didn't get the first two lines, so I suspect it's BioShock stuff.

... on to the next part, I wonder if this is BioShock too?

Nightmares tolerate a crawling pace, yet I was shocked awake
The ominous depths of my consciousness replaced with an office space
In awful pain, my body aches... A nearby fan just oscillates...
Jostling a locked and framed 'Private Investigator' badge that's on display

ah god damnit is this about Booker? I literally had to read a wikipage for this shit. I like the imagery, the pacing of this, the idea of the fan's air being enough to tap tap tap the framed badge on the wall because it's poorly hung.

Ignoring chalkboard dates and evidence of what's scrawled across the way...
On that building... A haunting phrase now washed away by lots of rain
My daughter stayed oddly complacent while a Songbird played
Her crib rocking from small earthquakes - An uncanny valley with tall terrain

Songbird, yup. you're a tit. not sure I get this part, maybe it's a future vibe, kid is dead, don't get the last line.

It's all a game... Who paused my save in the trauma stage?
If laws can break, my heart's encased in chain linking armored plates
Up here I'm far from safe even with combinations to dull the pain
Anna is a toy, not to be played with - A reborn doll her late momma made...

this part holds my two favourite lines "heart's encased in chain linking armored plates", and "Anna is a toy, not to be played with" - not sure if that "not" is a nod to the "!", but programmatically "!" negates the following statement. the "safe/combinations" was cool too.

A KNOCK erased all the traces of cobwebs crowding atop my brain
I wandered to the door knob, rotating what's been unlocked for days
An old man leaned on a cane, shoddy posture/gait was commonplace
"Comstock's the name..." He exclaimed as he extended a palm to shake

"A KNOCK" is hard to read, I yell the "A" too. decent flow here, no complaints. accidentally rhymed sorry.

"I thought you may want to locate someone that was lost with haste"
I respond, "Okay, but if it's not too late I'll sit and contemplate"
Comstock's unfazed, "I didn't come all this way to watch you lob grenades"
"We must find this fallen angel... I'll compensate should you want the case..." (I nodded)
"Great! But you can no longer claim to hold the prophet's gaze"
"You're not absolved from flawed remains that shouldered all the blame"
"I know you were taught to create a world where all your thoughts escape"
"But you're not shipshape, hence why your daughter's fate was met on a lake..."
"Best not to stray..." He walked away before I questioned his knowledge base
Guess long delays grandfather in what only God can say...
Anna starts bawling, strange... she's made of vinyl plank and water paint...
A doppelganger? Think I'll go check on my baby if it's all the same...

Anna, is that you?

again, this seems like a lot of BioShock nods probably? it doesn't connect well bc I don't know the game, but I get the idea that there's a doll or something that looks like the kid, blah blah, is she alive? weak ending.

--- Scar

T’was the night before christmas and all through town
cocoas and teas were stirring with myrrh scented
Down
On the west end of town shrouded in snow was Joe’s Diner
An oasis from the cold, where lonely souls go to be found

good flow, I like the spacing of "Down", though I think "down and down" would have worked just as well if not better for flow. good imagery, I know where I am, I know what it smells like and what I feel like

It’s a slow night. The storm outside rages as joe, tend to the stew
On the other side of the counter, an attractive woman not shy of vanilla scented perfume
Sitting in a booth right behind her, a grizzled gentlemen in tattered pea coat
Graciously slurping tomato soup all to the score of O'Tannenbaum three notes

flow slipped a bit, some lines could be shorter to land it. not sure I'm understanding "three notes" here other than a needed rhyme lol. coulda played a fucking GAME here and said "O'Tannenbaum's notes" bc it translates to "o' Christmas tree's notes" and it would FUCKING RHYME. missed out.

The tree glowed an ambiance of haven from the hellish storm, it was homely
As snow creeps, the doorbell jingled a new arrival; One more for the lonely

He made his way to the counter, situating himself next to the woman
“Is this taken?” he signaled to the emtpy stool next to her
“No” she smiled.
“You lied!” as he sat down. “It is taken!”

I get the "hellish" now that I've read the piece but it takes away from the vibe. good flow, I fucking hate the cheesy "you lied, it is taken" so I already hate this guy, but it's chill.

A nervous laughter broke as she gauge his deed
He was handsome; Too handsome to be out on Christmas Eve.
“I’m Corey”, he said, smiling “thanks for sitting next to me”

"I'm Anna, Do you always go around hitting on strangers?”
“Hey blame it on my palm reader. He said, ‘Christmas evening, your future awaits ya’
Who am i to go against the rule of fate, huh?,
they shared a laugh

good place setting, introducing the energy of the characters, etc. no complains

The grizzled man behind them observed the couple
Smirking with every bad line the man chuckled
Slurping his soup and hunk of bread, he intently studied the interloper.
He’s quite the joker, charming as expected.
A conversationalist, suaved in his method.

something about "suave in his method" irks me, but I like the sort of camera pan out to the old man.

“Ok”, said Corey, to the young lady, your favorite Christmas Movie.
“Umm” “A Christmas story,”, she replied.
“Oh you’re the violent type, you enjoyed it when Ralph shot out his eyes”
“We’ll, you know that never happened”. It was a sensationalized message of the movie.
“It could have.”
“Are you saying it’s a cautionary tale?”
“Yes I am, ma’am.
“Ok, your turn. Favorite Christmas Movie and why?”
"Nosferatu"
At this the man in the booth chuckled drawing the attention of the couple.
“Huh? continue on”
think about it, supernatural figure creeping around at night with a weird fascination with home.."
“i mean i guess”

honestly, bc I was weirded out by this dude already, I honestly read "Are you saying it's a cautionary tale" "Yes I am, ma'am", as if the dude was saying "Yes, I am a cautionary tale", not sure if intentional. I like the attention to the old man but it could have been executed much better.

He was sweet she thought to herself, at that instance a text message arrived
“Are you still coming tonight?”
It was her friend Nancy reminding her that the office holiday shindigs done started
She turned to him, and ask if he would accompanied her to her office party

“Are you asking me on a date, miss?”
“It depends” she countered.”
Grabbing their pea coats, they left a tip
on the counter before Their exits,
Out the door and jovially marched into the storm.
The grizzled man, still studying the couple, grab his coat and followed out the door.

nothing much to say, decent imagery, keeps the story moving forward, missed some flow here tho.

They traveled from holiday blitzed wonderland to a darkened alley.
Suddenly he took her by her waist and whispered, “look at me”
She stared into his eyes. It appeared dreamy.
She was literally walking on air it seems
Brought back to a time of cinnamon, nutmeg and hot chocolate drinks.
He moved his head closer to her face. A dollop of kisses
It was nice she thought, he made his mouth south to her neck.
Kissing and lightly biting it. Hands on her breast,

continuation of the "oh shit he's creepy oh wait it's okay", which is good work imo

She felt a sudden change
Snapped out of her trance, dazed, felt her neck. Her fingers, slender branch of bloodied pain

she quickly pushed him off. His mouth gaped wide revealing a long set of fangs.
Fretting her hand she fought for control, he was strong
She screamed and struggled to push him off.

back to "oh SHIT HE'S CREEPY", as soon as you said "neck" last part I knew where it was going, but it did sneak up on me.

As he opened his mouth wider, she saw a glowing hand
Wrapping itself around the Corey's neck, like a golden band
It lifted Corey about 8 foot in the air, violently pulling him off the frightened girl
She caught a glimpse of the person choking Corey,
It was the grizzled man from Joe's diner.
He looked unnatural, a yellow glow enveloped his body, and he was sparkling!
As he pulled Corey away, she can see something sprouting.
A large bat wing. Struggling to free himself from the clutch of the man’s hand.
At that moment, the man also sprouted a golden wing. He looked at Corey and drug him up into the night sky.

She sat there in pain and tears. Just as a hobo entered the clear.
You’re lucky dear, for the spirit is nearing birth
Every Christmas Eve the lord sends his Seraphim to clean the earth.

I couldn't. this feels like it was written by a teenage like fanfic author. "He was sparkling!", various wings, though I like the attempt to cleanly wrap up.

mvgt universe still even though I don't know bioshock.

[Quill]

Interesting match. Both of you had imaginative takes on the topic, and thus check the creativity box. But from there universe starts to pull away in terms of the things I look for in a complete verse. His narrative was paced better, where as Scar's felt rushed. I also feel like he did more to make his characters & setting feel tangible, and that allowed me to connect more as a reader. Some of that can be credited to using established lore fore from Bioshock, but even without that, this was written in such a way that it feels like you made it your own. Immersive story telling. As far as flow & scheme work, I would have to lean Universe's way again. Really solid flow, and the scheme work had the intri***y to make this feel really polished.

Scar, this wasn't as polished as I have seen from you. Though, admittedly, that was years ago & on a different forum. So maybe rust is the culprit. That said, there are things I like about this. I feel like you had a creative idea, it just didn't feel very fleshed out. I feel like you started strong, establishing your setting & characters in what was your best section mechanically. But it definitely went down hill from the christmas movie dialogue. Flow suffered, and the quality of narration felt less refined, and the ending felt sort of phoned in. Hopefully I see you return to form in the coming weeks.

Vote - Universe

[Dope girl]

Both vs decent Both had amazing flow
Both opener nice and smooth
Both Closer Well done

Universe vs deeper for the win

Vote-universe

[Adverse]

First impression: great matchup here, definitely will see a rematch further down the road in the playoffs if both stay in. You two are definitely two of my favorite writers on the site. But honestly, this was a lot closer on paper than it was after reading. There’s a definitive winner here and it sadly wasn’t super close.

Universe - let me start this by saying that I never played Bioshock Infinite (only the original game) but I am keen on the story so that helped out, instead of this playing out like one of your more suspenseful pieces though it was pretty apparent the direction you were going in from the beginning you dropped some heavy hints early on and I don’t think that did you any favors, but I did enjoy the little journey that was laid out. This didn’t feel as cohesive as your usual stuff though, the two sections didn’t really feel like they connected too much and the scheme you unraveled once Comstock entered was impressive from a rhyming and technical aspect but I think it was kind of hard to follow? Also didn’t feel like people who didn’t play the games would completely be able to follow this, you usually do a good job of simplifying stuff and making your narrative more universal (hahaha) when you’re doing pop culture references. So I feel like you missed the mark a little bit here but this still a decent piece.

Scar - Glad to see you back first and foremost. I liked the direction you took this in but feel like the story was really discombobulated. On paper I like the concept of a vigilante type angel coming and cleaning the earth up on Christmas Eve I mean it’s cool, and I’m a sucker for a good vampire story (bam! I’m on a roll tonight) but this was rough and I could tell it was rushed even without you telling us in the end. The dialogue was messy and wasn’t really fitting the rhyme scheme very well, the climax left a lot to be desired too and I feel like if that type of stuff could have been sat on and fleshed out a little bit more we may have had a better result here but this just wasn’t a piece I rocked with very much. And I think almost all of that comes down to the fact that it had to be rushed to fit the deadline. It’s okay there’s bound to be missteps like this.

Overall was sort of underwhelmed by this one especially with the big names in it. Neither writer was in their top form this week but I think Universe had a better story and less missteps. So I’ll give it to him this week

V/Universe

[Diablo]

Tough topic, for sure, at least in the sense that it doesn’t offer much in the way of a direct approach here and something to aim for. The way I see it there’s a clear advantage to opening up a world-building exercise and incorporating what you want within the topics frame work, though, and that’s likely the route I see both taking on this one. I guess the question, as a reader, would be “Who is Anna?” and “How or why is she a toy, what happened to make her that, why does that define her, or - at least - what event(s) made someone write that in such a place, and why?” We’re going to need answers here. Is she literally a toy as in some sort of mind controlled robotic manifestation controlled by her superior in some sort of dystopian future type epic? I’m aware of a movie called ANA by the artist Frédérick Maheux that dealt with Anorexia and that’s almost at the back of my mind somewhat when I think of the name ‘Anna’. I’m trying to stay away from that, so in my head my initial robot type idea has the name ANNA or A.N.N.A and it would be an acronym for Artificial something something Automaton. Just generally where my head is with this looking at the topic for the first time in here. Anyway, let’s see how you guys have it…

Universe: I’m honestly not familiar with the whole Bio Shock thing, in truth, I haven’t clicked any links beforehand nor played any videos attached, so I’m solely going off the standalone verse here. I’ve seen Adverse’s vote just now and he mentioned it was some sort of computer game, I had no idea prior to seeing that mentioned so I apologise if I missed anything. I guess gaming just isn’t my bag, nothing wrong with it, it’s just not really my thing. From a technical standpoint in terms of the rhyme schemes carried over multiple lines, and flipped back and forth internally as well as externally, you did a great job over so many lines. It’s almost like it’s become expected of you, in a sense, so people aren’t that surprised when they see it done as it just becomes atypical of the style or whatever and they associate you with this - but speaking as someone that utilises similar approaches, techniques, patterns or whatever you want to call it, this is still far beyond the level seen week in and week out by the majority, and not the minority, of the members that make up the league. It shouldn’t really go overlooked, or underappreciated, just because it’s almost become expected. I feel for you, and I mean that, as I read some of the voters comments and feel like a lot of missed by them when reading when you clearly put work in. There are times when it’s almost too cleanly done, too subtle and less obvious, so well written that theres rhymes almost hidden in the lines only picked up by astute eyes that are looking for them. I think that’s likely why we’ve clashed before on occasion, we’re almost too similar in some regards, both fiercely competitive and capable of dropping 64 lines in short time frames to obscure topics while also penning these delicately intricate rhyme patterns etc. The difficulty level doesn’t escape me, and it’s definitely harder than it looks especially when trying to not only tell the story but also keep the line length down to give it an implied rhythmic cadence too. I think many overlook that because it can seem so simple when reading it, yet so many find difficulty with that aspect in their own writing. It’s definitely an area that creates a margin of error for a lot of topicalists and fewer do it well than do it wrong. I think Adverse touched on it briefly in his write up but the character development, for me as a complete outsider with no prior knowledge of the characters involved, could have used more to make me feel invested in them as people to make me care about what was happening to them. I didn’t feel I was all that invested in them emotionally and so the payoff was somewhat lost, on me, even though I enjoyed the build up through to the conclusion and the obvious technical aspects along the way. That said, I’m also more than aware the limitations of the line limits only allow you to do so much within their framework, it almost feels counterintuitive to tell you to rhyme less or to condense it down to allow you to have sections developing characters as there’s no doubt even more to this overarching tale you’ll have had to cut out when you were finished. Somewhere in between there may be a happy medium, but it’s ultimately about where you’re happy that decides which way you go about it. I personally am a massive fan of schemes and rhymes and multies so I completely get the decision, I’m also aware others will claim it should be substance over flare and whatever, but you know what? It’s the flare that I honestly believe is what sets us apart. There are some naturally very talented writers here, no doubt, and often we know of their writing talents… but when it comes to them competing, consistently, at the top level with 64 lines each and every week, they can’t (or don’t) do it. It’s the hard workers that do it, and that’s precisely what I consider us both to be. The hard work beats talent time and time again in this particular format, because it’s not about writing a one-off gem when you have all the time in the world to sit and contemplate it - this format is about who can write the most consistently good verses, week after week, with a high output and largely high degree of technical skill and mastery along with whatever other literary elements we care to involve. It requires a skillset, or set of skills even, that not every good to great writer here possesses and to come back to my earlier point, that’s what separates us from the rest. The consistency. The determination. The will to win, and to compete at the highest level of competition each and every week. They’re sleeping, but I see you.

Scar: Man, I really wish you had finished this the way you opened. There were a few minor gripes early on, sure, but little a quick read through and editing here and there couldn’t have polished up. The general scene setting and writers voice had me right there with you. The smells of the scents, the sound of the storm outside, the pea coats… it was peppered with all the right ingredients for Joe’s stew (Yee-haw!) and then just when you seemed to be getting down to the meat and potatoes of it all (Gasp!) you seemed to spill it into your own lap somewhat. For what it’s worth I thought you handled the dialogue between characters better than Universe did in his here, and I’m a horror fan so you know I’m aware of Nosferatu (well, way more familiar with that than I am Bioshock for example) so I guess I had more familiarity with the subject matter in yours also that probably had me leaning your way a little more there. The twist was somewhat unexpected in him being a vampire, which wasn’t necessarily bad in itself, but as you drew more towards the closer it seemed like you ran out of juice somewhat and lost steam, turning cold (like a stew would, perhaps?). I think a huge difference between the two writtens from you guys here, that I noticed hasn’t really been touched upon so far, is that where I felt Uni lacked somewhat in character development, Scar seemed to excel here. He set the pace with a slow burner affair, moved his chess pieces so that he set his stall out early on with the storm closing in and these two people meeting.. he built them up, gave detailed imagery as to what they were witnessing and their thoughts, created this atmosphere around them and their surrounding which we could all relate to given the December weather no doubt, and he placed us right there alongside the characters involved. The dialogue was largely natural sounding and handled well, and so it felt very organic as the narrative unravelled itself here, he kept it to a slower pace rather than worrying about the line limits and needing to hurry it and I think that approach worked really well, at least at the start, then as he worked towards the final third he maybe realised he had already used up quite a lot of elbow room and needed to try and bring this home. It’s a shame, really, as he did well up until that point and it would have made for a solid enough joint in the Open Mic forum for example had he more time to flesh it out. The imagery was largely on point, the only real niggle for me on first read was that “like a golden band,” but that only stands out because the rest felt done to a much higher standard overall. I noticed also that this had parallels with the short cypher joint you dropped in on, similar thematically toward its end, so maybe you had this idea kicking around a little prior. I could be wrong.

Anyway, that’s how I saw it, there wasn’t a great gulf in terms of talent despite both sort of taking different approaches I guess, one excelling where the other perhaps didn’t so much - and that applied in both cases to an extent, but that said this isn’t me playing the fence, there was a clear winner in my mind and Universe just out muscled Scar here, for me, even without me knowing much by way of the Bioshock gaming work etc he just had too much in the tank, his hard work and endeavour are what drove him over the line. This is actually quite a poignant result that only lends itself to my earlier comment about hard work and talent I guess in a way, which I genuinely wasn’t alluding to earlier, but it does have similarities to what we see in this match because where Uni showed the staying power over the duration of a marathon - Scar would, perhaps, have preferred a shorter spring to get to the finish line. Interesting analogy, eh?

Vote - Universe

[Frank]

@Inno @timeless @Ender @brokenhal0 @Cereal @MMLP @Master Rock @Eviction @NYCSPITZ @Dominate @Blue Bayou

[brokenhal0]

i voted theres not much to say that has not been said - universe wins

If we're making honest statements she never even saw the age of ten...
Final arrangements left me debating if I would wake up dead
Laid to rest in the wide array of sixty foot tidal waves ahead
I'm dropping sail again, hearing radio commercials in the breeze
I near a Bathysphere to leave - A spherical submersible machine
In a lighthouse off the coast of Greenland, some sunken alien crashed ship
The shuttle made it to Rapture amongst other subterranean factions
Subtly displaying ads - Anna's the mainline attraction
Regularly asking about the location of dead angels and ADAM


the song kept pace with that intensity up until the last couple bars
it might have lacked a bit of direction in story or character development
but universe's slick wordplay and metaphor easily won him the round..bioshock
was the original duke nuke'em well the one i remember for pc back in the early 90's .. a bit nerdy depending on who you ask ..but the whole concept was cool

[Cereal]

universe:
straight up the structure was dope, it really set the mood for "this is going to be a "good" story" then your hot ass mutli sylable internal layers hit a whole stanza of straight fire.. i was like i was i still had that heat but the last for years ive just been trying to keep my pencil in play.. but chea off the hook dude.. i love the greatest showman aspect that ana is a living thing prorped for show.. super dope def brings a personal element to the piece.. she "re-wrote" my genetic code super sweet.. poetic eveeeen hehehe.. some big vocab the fade out to at the end of the stanza "and then....
daddy "died?"" dope.. the waterpaint ending very scenic.. thanks loved it..

scar:
i love how you both brought the name in the topic to life by portraying her/them as a character i think with such a topic yall did a really good job because it really did feel that is what the topic needed.. your fav movie title suggestion really brought the verse to life beyond its general style because it was one of the lines that hit like a ten ton brick - it had an underlining sense that states "even though you are reading this in american english/australian - this is my natural language" super dope and probably one of the top ten hardest things to pull off.. so kudos..
fav line:
"Brought back to a time of cinnamon, nutmeg and hot chocolate drinks."
reminds me of christmas..
um story wise dope..

vote = scar

i mean mechanicly universe took this if your looking for rhyme sturcutre - consistancy but scar extremely loose style really held an original style to a great story and a great revelation.. dope battle guys

[Frank]

@Universe
UNIVERSE WINS!