dumb

143 · 12-22-2013, 06:24 PM

She came with a sullen heart leaking life....
From a bludgeoning art, a part that was being spiked
Glasses of pools lie empty, his following now consumed
Detuning the essential connection, a borrowing brute
Sorrowing songs don't improve the notes from her flute
But his pawning for destruction only stand resolute
Her peers wonder where's the talent, dissipating on demand
She verbalizing her situation has it waiting on command
Even when the word is given, shaken hands are still errant
Like her soul quivers from the grasps of this lovely tyrant
Recording catch the stanza played dragging, once vibrant
It seem his aggressions of control then console were blatant
His daily dips in those pools kept the demons fueled
Breathing a fooled sense of beastliness seething and drooled
Vocal tones are grizzled eyes widen with each swipe
She stay permissive as if peace would one day inject right
One night, peace has came, blackened her whole seen
Let her leave in the rapture of a pristine dream
Dying with smile, a fail safe to get to his heart
Spiting what he defiled, his control now rips apart
Images of what torment he's been through now canvasless
No vice to his strife, wonder what would be his life management
Sitting in a cell, bars speak to his stupidity....
And the acceptance that his are dumb some validity.....

e11even · 12-22-2013, 08:37 PM

I think this was an above decent piece. The wording was a little clunky in parts, but overall got a good portion of the msg through without your overuse of large words and abstract lines that sometimes distract from the accessibility of the main idea. I think the wording was more eloquently structured at the beginning, and got a lttle more fatigued and clumsy toward the end. I'm gonna read this like two more times to reinforce my impression of this drop and edit any feed changes if I realize anything worth noting. Overall good job. Just try to write a lttle cleaner and maybe experiment with stronger rhyming. With the storytelling ability it looks like you have, those two improvements would really bring each piece full circle. Keep dropping.

12-22-2013, 06:24 PM	#1
143 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2013 Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	dumb She came with a sullen heart leaking life.... From a bludgeoning art, a part that was being spiked Glasses of pools lie empty, his following now consumed Detuning the essential connection, a borrowing brute Sorrowing songs don't improve the notes from her flute But his pawning for destruction only stand resolute Her peers wonder where's the talent, dissipating on demand She verbalizing her situation has it waiting on command Even when the word is given, shaken hands are still errant Like her soul quivers from the grasps of this lovely tyrant Recording catch the stanza played dragging, once vibrant It seem his aggressions of control then console were blatant His daily dips in those pools kept the demons fueled Breathing a fooled sense of beastliness seething and drooled Vocal tones are grizzled eyes widen with each swipe She stay permissive as if peace would one day inject right One night, peace has came, blackened her whole seen Let her leave in the rapture of a pristine dream Dying with smile, a fail safe to get to his heart Spiting what he defiled, his control now rips apart Images of what torment he's been through now canvasless No vice to his strife, wonder what would be his life management Sitting in a cell, bars speak to his stupidity.... And the acceptance that his are dumb some validity.....

12-22-2013, 08:37 PM	#2
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	I think this was an above decent piece. The wording was a little clunky in parts, but overall got a good portion of the msg through without your overuse of large words and abstract lines that sometimes distract from the accessibility of the main idea. I think the wording was more eloquently structured at the beginning, and got a lttle more fatigued and clumsy toward the end. I'm gonna read this like two more times to reinforce my impression of this drop and edit any feed changes if I realize anything worth noting. Overall good job. Just try to write a lttle cleaner and maybe experiment with stronger rhyming. With the storytelling ability it looks like you have, those two improvements would really bring each piece full circle. Keep dropping. __________________ Ahem.