06-16-2015, 12:53 AM | #1 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604316 |
Round 3 - Quarterfinals: MMLP vs. Razah - (Razah wins)
Welcome to Round 3 of the tournament. Congrats on making it this far.
There is no line limit. VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks!) Verses Due Friday Night. (June 19th) Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. (24 hour extensions are allowed. Just one.) Voting Ends Monday Night 12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied Have Fun Peace @MMLP @Razah Topic: |
06-16-2015, 03:50 PM | #3 |
rockkFresh
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 11328542 |
word.
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06-19-2015, 05:38 PM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 598
Battle Record: 15-16
Champed - Write Week 9
Rep Power: 9768087 |
The terms were accepted as war was declared,
To serve as directed with roars in the air The ordnance we shared was state of the art, At the forefront of the regiment with paint on their arms, Our alien army had rounded in hundreds Their gates were bombarded, with a bounty on Hudson, Scouting in numbers as we crossed the divide We countered their punches approaching in strides With open defiance our legion would storm Our moulded alliance laid siege to their spawn Our plans ceased with some force With a thunderous bang, Seething and scorned I'd erupt, "Its a trap" Were "Under attack" I had to intrude, With the front of the craft was shattered and doomed So I gathered the troops under a barrage of bullets We began to diffuse knowing the cargo's coming The sergeants gunning and flaming the place, They starting running, paving the way To create an escape as we crept through the smoke Raising the stakes as the vessels approached Through the entrance below, we headed beneath "The second its blown. Their defence has been breached" But it entered our fleet and forward we sped I bled at the scene and the brown warrior was dead There was call for a end has his shell had stiffened The corpse was then left, unhelped and stricken As the bell was ringing the laughter would stop The yelling signalled time to put the toys back in the box. |
06-20-2015, 04:05 PM | #5 |
rockkFresh
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 11328542 |
What's it like to be free, I wonder at times
If I could see my future, I would lust to be blind I crave for the freedom, to really be me Being trapped in myself is the most silly of things I wish the canvass was blank, what if it happens to break When I actually paint & happen to capture the pain I'm viewed as a monster, it's expected of me But the mirror I use doesn't reflect what I see Still... I can feel it creeping by, there's an evil deep inside Then I wonder, if it leaves, is it leaving me to die It's what's keeping me alive, it's the twinkle in my eye Is it passion is it anger, either way, it gleams just like the sky As it screams inside my mind, why do I seek what I can't find It's been feeding me these lies, I've been grieving all the time I've been reaching for the sky, but I can't... The sorrow, the bliss - The scene that I paint The right & the wrong, it's the ying to my yang The anger, the joy - You envision a beast The combination of both makes the picture complete My pride & my shame - It wasn't the same I hate what I love yet I love what I hate What's a brush with no paint, that used to be me But I'm not the same person I would usually be I've learned to adapt, accept me for me It turns out I'm everything I'm expected to be I used to think, I had my back against the wall Who knew I would seek, freedom, when I had it all along I'm me. |
06-21-2015, 01:35 AM | #6 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
so we're just gonna pretend mmlp doesnt mismatch syllables anymore and lars who is good at matching simple syllables who is also his friend who just happens to be active isnt ghostwriting or atleast helping?
aiight i mean we already pretended sn00p's verse was good lol but okay tbh i don't like the storytelling wage that lars/mmlp take. it's a bit boring like they're telling a scary ghoststory at a camp fire. it's cool and it takes a bit of skill, yeah but it's just like bleh. I feel like im reading a childrens book. not based on the intri***y of writing, but just how it develops. it's just snoozey and unintriguing to a reader that wnts more captivating writing. razah didnt impress much either, but his writing grasps. a lot of similarity to dull boy where he doesn't spend much time using words that don't really encase his identity. mirror his feelings. a lot of me, be, you, and literary phrasing. it edged mmlp out a bit. v/raza |
06-21-2015, 02:23 AM | #7 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,016
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349678 |
Hmmm this was an interesting battle...LOL bb is a little hellcat lately
anyway... MMLP, I felt like you sacrificed a lot to be more technical but I will admit you dropped some decent lines that I enjoyed and for the most part you did stick to what you were writing which made it feel concise at most points...but lacking with the topic at hand Our plans ceased with some force With a thunderous bang, Seething and scorned I'd erupt, "Its a trap" Were "Under attack" I had to intrude, With the front of the craft was shattered and doomed So I gathered the troops under a barrage of bullets We began to diffuse knowing the cargo's coming this section felt awkward to me...and was a put off anyway you delivered a decently written verse...nice work Razah, you came with the stronger verse today I enjoyed a majority of your verse and felt you were spot on the most enjoyable part for me is the 'reflection' section see what I did there...anyway this was some nice work buddy I don't really have much to say here... v/Razah, due to his verse relating to the topic slightly more than his opponents both came with some dope work though, Razah being the one to edge it out here... nice work fella's
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06-22-2015, 01:04 AM | #8 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
Rep Power: 23856375 |
Such an intriguing picture, very catchy.
MMLP: I think if you take the war approach, one has to add something that is captivating. The whole scenery of the battle was a bit insipid and didn't cause a neurological excitement within myself as a reader. I mean its war, its supposed to be ferocious, and grasping. But, then I get to the end and it was a child playing toys. I'm a sap for tales of innocence and childlike things, which includes stories. While, I did like the end I felt the rest of the battle, which was most of the verse lacked the imagination that a child would have. I mean speaking from myself, as a child when I played toys I would create this great epic adventures with heroes, and villains, it was truly visionary, in my opinion. I was most creative and imaginative as a kid, and you didn't capture this vivid imagination that a child possesses. Nevertheless, a decent verse that I liked the ending, and the approach more than your opponent. But, could have been pulled off with more power. Razah: I felt you took a similar route to last week's. Yes, the message is somewhat dissimilar, but the approach and the way you attempt to draw the reader in was almost the same. While, I greatly enjoy reflective pieces, there always is this metaphorical tools that are available and can make the literary approach more varied. That said, because of the smooth delivery, and flow this still draws the reader in. It's very emotional and deconstructive in its questions, pointing to you and then me, and all this words bring a connection. But, it's a connection that is built on the foundation of resonance. While, this is an important aspect, I do like to see other literacy tools being utilized, more imagery, and progressive narrative. In fact, I felt you tried to capture the essence of the emotion portrayed, but did not really address any detail of the picture. There's a giant dragon-like leviathan behemoth that is there, and could have added more a narrative sense, instead of just playing to the emotional sense. I mean you mention monster and beat, but it was broad and only served to complement what you were already doing. I mean it's an abstract tournament, but still... Vote: Razah for a more resonant approach, and a better delivery. |
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