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Old 12-03-2013, 11:36 PM   #1
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Default Playoffs Round 1: No. 5 PancakeBrah vs. No. 12 YDK - PANCAKEBRAH WINS 6-MINUS-5



WELCOME TO ROUND 1


Verses due: Sunday, Dec. 8, 11:59 p.m. PT

Voting deadline: Wednesday, Dec. 11, 11:59 p.m. PT

Line limits: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse.

Requirement: Vote on all three first-round battles and post links in this thread. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted.


Topic

You Must Love Me


Good luck, @PancakeBrah and @YDK.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:48 PM   #2
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Old 12-04-2013, 07:14 AM   #3
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:18 AM   #4
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You must love me, the way that you haunt me.
Constantly taunting and leaving me wanting.
Unmistakable; breaking my mental with ease,
Reminding me I'm just a pencil in a world of trees.
Analytical analogies possibly based on astronomy,
Turn from broken promises to (a)pathetic apologies.
Near death I embrace my vice and wait for the light,
But I shouldn't have to wait like I'm taking a right!
I shouldn't have to pray for the night I'll be safe; From myself;
in bed shaking my pillow case and shaving my face
With a dull razor blade I should have replaced; It's hell.
Chasing my sanity so why do I fight!?
Why do I grasp for a knife as I gasp for my life?
Suffocating in darkness bringing my past to new light!
Noose around my neck as I scream that the views nice,
I could die happily now but for you I choose spite!
I'm only an addict if you're the coke; I'm the fiend.
I just hope, it seems, that I can cope in my dreams.
Now hopelessness reigns
Fuck it, I just focus on pain
Its the only thing I know that HASN'T drove me insane.
Depression and anxiety revealed another side of me,
By opening my eyes to see the truth, proof, shining through debris.
Past mistakes and misfortunes, overdoses, abortions
Left me with suicidal side effects and feeling less than important.
Scattered thoughts and emotions
Unable to stick with a moment
Yet I'm stuck in a zone meant for a man who's less broken.
Damn
I'm the only one that's spoken...

Doc, you must fuckin love me when I talk bout my problems,
Cuz I pay you to listen to me then I go and solve em
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Old 12-08-2013, 10:41 PM   #5
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Pretty White Girls.

Marginal. Withdrawn, the void of effervescence.
Next. Succession. Barely buoyant, pressed against it.
Detached. The feeling embroiled in separate sessions,
unboiling. A watched kettle, toiling in desk professions.
The plots, settled. All statements null, facing the factless.
So spacious, the blackness. You're bent over backwards,
wasted, not knowing you're retracing your backflips
for disposable actors. On the spark, and how it died.
Another lark. Just sit and abide by this heart of alkali.
Logical lies. Watch; reflect on past crossing of lines;
the dull gloss is refined. The faux embossment'll shine
until it's all just a bundle of awkward, aprocryphal lies
written on parchment of white, forgotten. Disposed,
with porn as escape. Breathe in the rot of the cloves
nostalgia borne. The pangs of former gossamer throes;
formerly raked, now you willing walk through the coals
in fettered debt. Coloring your tone monochrome in beige
in every tete a tete. You've grown your lot in lone malaise,
honed. 'We' as estranged, with her goading exposition.
"You must love me." Probably, by the supposed definition.
But you could say the same about any pretty white girl
I've known and for which all my prose is written.
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Old 12-08-2013, 11:28 PM   #6
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YD - I liked thhe final bar as well as the (a)pathetic concept. This was a very straight forward verse, not much depth though. Its all very face value and rather "list like" IMO. decent enough rhymes, but all in all, to me, there is no wow factor or one aspect of either scheme, story line or flow that just stand out.

Bruh- solid writting, and by solid I mean superb. Vastly above aerage as far as overrall flow, but also story pprogression. I liked the use of topic, and thought the touch of humor was, well, a good touch.


I have mr. Pan taking the cake here....haha. simply out wrote his counter part IMO
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Old 12-10-2013, 01:04 AM   #7
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YDK: Your earnestness is something worth holding on to, but honing it consisently has been a challenge. Your biggest hurdle is predictability. There were a lot of lines here that I've seen in some form or another in many other verses, a lot of clichés about depression and anxiety in the way you turn phrases. It's difficult expressing emotions in original ways, but one of the keys in all writing in all forms is to figure out what makes your content different from others'. You didn't do that here. The narrator Is a depressed man with a quick wit, but he never is a person. You don't vent metaphorically to a psychiatrist. By keeping this verse vague and metaphorical, by using turns of phrase such as "Past mistakes and misfortunes, overdoses, abortions / Left me with suicidal side effects and feeling less than important," you're not giving us much of a picture at all. You're focused on the effect rather than the cause, and even in dealing with the effect, you're focused on the mental instead of the physical. There is not one concrete image in this verse, and that attempt to conjur relatability instead alienates. Is this a person or a cipher of depression speaking? Also, I'm not entirely sure if the ending was an attempt at a twist, but it was neither bold enough nor sold enough to work. Nothing in this verse is specific to psychiatry. I've read it seven times now, and it basically comes across as a generic vent. Yes, that vent could be told to a psychiatrist, but again, psychiatrists would have interrupted because specificity is important for making insights into the mind. So I think the thematic construct flopped. But the earnestness shone. It's not easy to pull off lines like the right turn one or how pain is the only thing that makes sense without forcing an eye roll. You have that going for you. You need to use it to tell stories and show us pieces of your world. Instead of telling us how you feel all the time, let us do the feeling.

PancakeBrah: Vulgar and Defy Gravity should take notes: This is how you do a PancakeBrah parody verse. Here's how I interpretted your verse: The topic was applied not in the quotes near the end but in the entire verse, as a message to your readers. This was a verse for your fans, in a way, sort of a statement of identity in an extremist interpretation. It worked. It worked because you wrote the hell out of this. The metaphors and rhymes were very strong, and the central thread connecting the thoughts was kept taut and refined. The ennui came across from the very first word, "Marginal," and the concept of the verse was hammered home by the last line. There's a shade of laziness with this verse and this approach, but it's underwritten by the concept of the verse making it almost necessary. And the tightness of the writing, in diction, concept and especially rhyme scheme, made this verse special, if only for how not-special this would be among your many writtens. You'll need more ambition and creativity as the tournament rolls on, but the execution was enough to seal this victory.

Vote: PancakeBrah
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Old 12-10-2013, 01:28 PM   #8
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V/ Pancake.

Cool vocab, good delivery and a sentimental twist where he went in a little more detail wise compared to other verses on similar topics. YDK you started strong and I actually liked the (a)pathetic thing you did there which I usually hate esp. in battles. Lots of good emotion, this would translate to audio far better than cake's. Actually I just spit both and I can deliver cake's in a dope manner as well but urs still flows better audio wise. Bottom line tho cake went in with the usual complexity and smooth delivery.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:50 PM   #9
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Certain pretty much nailed the breakdown, so I'll forego the complexities

YDK - real nice piece, although quite standard, I think if you'd have not kept the therapist twist until the end this may have been a little bit better, this read very much like an audio piece for me, and I loved that aspect, but overall it was fairly basic

Cake - you command of language is over the top, although it was vocab laden it was pretentious. The only complaint (slight at that) is that there wasn't enough filler to make it sound like things a person would normally say. Everything else was spot on, you fit a ridiculous amount into so few bars, Shit was intense man

Vote - Cake
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Old 12-11-2013, 11:56 PM   #10
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ydk - you had my full attention until

shouldn't have to pray for the night I'll be safe; From myself;
in bed shaking my pillow case and shaving my face
With a dull razor blade I should have replaced; It's hell.

... shaking my pillow case.. and shaving my face. :| no. just.. no.

everything right after that was actually really chill. really enjoyed these...

Noose around my neck as I scream that the views nice,
I could die happily now but for you I choose spite!
I'm only an addict if you're the coke; I'm the fiend.
I just hope, it seems, that I can cope in my dreams.

that was really good. and your ending was sick. i like the way you worded it. great statement on therapy in general. but that could've been woven into the rest of your verse. overall a solid read. catchy stuff at times. deep at others. overall a blend between catchy and deep would've been mellowed out with some multies somewhere near the mid-end, if dead set on victory, with this approach.
cake - well. this is not cliche. this was not self appreciating. this was definitely not "fluffy," at all. and i really did enjoy it. just like your take on the topic. although there wasn't really any character to gasps ahold of.. you dropped a beast of a topical. and that is a statement in and of itself.

/v cake - i think he won with directness. although ydk dropped something cool, it was good in a meandering sort of way. cake dropped a concise banger for the /v imo.
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Old 12-12-2013, 12:42 AM   #11
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hate to beat a dead horse..

ydk: basic rhyme schemes, good story, okay twist. the beginning was stronger than the end and i agree with the above pillow case/shaving face wtf moment. this was a good verse and you deserved your playoff spot. however..

cake: have you met mic booth? you two should talk. this reminded me strongly of his verse on a track i did with him and kannon back in the day, except you have a superior vocabulary. heartfelt yet dismissive at the same time. great rhyming and tone. just on another level here and it won you the round.

v/ cake.
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Old 12-12-2013, 01:08 AM   #12
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Ydk

So the twist is your in a therapy session and your talking to the physiologist telling him or her your problems. Instead of hearing from the psychologists, we figure out we, the reader, are the actual therapist. Upbeat verse. Audio friendly. On the other note, it never establishes itself. You wrote in a fixed gear. No valleys of depth or peaks of profoundness. Right out of the gate you were flooring it in the slow lane. Flow had some bite but the content lacked the jaws of death to really clamp down on the readers emotional state . You've written another verse you can be personally proud of, butin doing so you yet again you jeopardize your chance of victory.

PancakeBrah

Ydk made a comment commending you for rolling with the punches round 1. You were called out for basing, your content on an infatuation with white girls, although personally Ive yet to read the definitive pancakebrah white girl verse, to officially make a distinction, I can assure you this verse wasn't it. This verse was written "well" but it went absolutely nowhere. Granted. Alot was going on, in a very cramped collage kinda way. The opening scene/verse you use detached/withdrawn to create 'without ' mid sentence before contrast to embroiled/unboiling creating disorderly conduct of juxapose than saying the scene is settled lol. Too many themes. No room to breathe.

Voting YDK for the better verse, in terms of creativity, twist,and flow with regards to the topic
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