WEEK TWELVE CHAMP MATCH: FRANK (6-1) vs DEAD MAN (1-0) DEAD MAN WINS 5-1

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TWELVE

@dead man @Frank


Verse Due: THURSDAY JULY 7TH @ 11:59 PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:







GOOD LUCK

[dead man]

@Frank r u gonna post or

[Frank]

[dead man]

you dont even know

the needles that i poked in your throat
over and over, do-si-do, dancing mostly alone
to the beat of thrombosis vein strangle choking us slowly
blood in a bowl, so you salivate and swallow it whole
feline fantasy turned enemy. our ecstasy slowed
to a screeching halt / i stopped the car and followed a road
to a fork and knife, a poltergeist with similar poetry
sundress and rosary. she promised me a different dystopia
i left around 9
felt that dagger metal enter your spine
ripping up your tissue as you kiss me goodbye
never one to argue, i just step to the side
answering the siren's call of pleasure & pride
backstabbing rat bastard. counts his blessings in private
spends the rest of his time inside a nightclub letting them die
get me a ride, Lyft to anywhere and planted a seed
soaking in the darkness of this wretched disease
let you freeze. bone and muscle spasms
Metra traffic, stuck in transit
eyelid twitches / tunnel vision / "nothing happened". fuck it
bloody gash, paralysis you're walking backward
wheelchair-bound on army rations
stenosis twist your chiropractic
doublethink your heart imagine
like you never saw it happen
tell another promise that we'll drop inside another casket
fireside we fought a dragon. all behaviors automatic
addicts in a thoughtful panic. i escaped the fall, titanic
drowning in your own Atlantis. guess who's throwing water at it?
i've been taking shots and
tossing darts at you for target practice
zombie-eque your posture,
ghosts inside of your head
you'll be max, i'll be the monster
all the wild things are dead
nailgun nocturne, nighttime may it lull me asleep
nextdoor while spinal fluid leaks all over our sheets
you never knew until i left
how deep that it went
now i've left too many secrets
and you're bleeding to death.





deadman

[Frank]

THE PRESSURE FROM HIS PARENTS TO BECOME SOMETHING GREATER CAUSED AILING DISTRESS
EVERY TIME THEY POINTED OUT THEIR SON'S SCREW UPS, HE PULLED AWAY: UNTIL IT TORE THEM APART, LIKE ANIMAL FLESH
"ALLEN THAT, ALLEN THIS, ALLEN'S THE BEST." EVERY TIME HIS BROTHER'S NAME WAS BROUGHT UP LIKE AN ALLEN WRENCH—
HE OVERREACTED & FLEXED: "IF ALLEN'S THE BEST..." HE SAID LAUGHING INTENSE, LOSING HIS GRIP ON REALITY: FLYING OFF OF THE HANDLE
"THEN I WANT OUT OF THIS FAMILY" HE SAID, AS HIS PARENTS LEFT, HIS BLOOD SHOT EYES. DAGGERED RED AT THE DOOR: AS IT SLAMMED LIKE A SLEDGE
THEIR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS LED HIM OFF THE RAILS OF HIS MEDS, VALIUMS & XANAX: HANDFULS OF THEM, LIKE CANDY DISPENSED FROM A MECHANICAL PEZ
PALE ALE & BECKS, HE WAS A HAZARD TO HIMSELF, GETTING SMASHED INTO BITS, PLASTERED & RIPPED, LIKE SHEETROCK PANELS, HE GOT DISMANTLED & WRECKED.
HERIONE & REGS: HE PICKED OUT THE SEEDS & PUT THEM IN A PAIL ON HIS STEPS: SAVING THEM FOR A RAINY DAY TO COME & HAIL ON THE SHED
INHALING THE STEM: COUGHING UP BLOOD, FRAIL & DECREPT, WITH ENOUGH DRUGS IN HIS SYSTEM TO ANAPHYLACTIC HIS DEATH
HE NEVER SLASHED HIS WRIST OR RAN INTO TRAFFIC OR STRANDED HIS NECK: HE WASN'T SUICIDAL, JUST, MANIC DEPRESSED.
HE WOULD LASH OUT AT ANYONE WHO ATTACKED HIS CHARACTER WITH MALICE INTENT
THROWING TANTRUMS & FITS: HE DRAGGED HIS FAMILY & FRIENDS INTO HIS SADNESS: DRAGGING THEM THROUGH IT LIKE A TRACTORING TREAD
HE LET PEOPLE WALK OVER HIM AND TRAMPLE HIS RESPECT AND HE WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT LIKE A CHIROPRACTOR'S BED
HIS THERAPIST ASKED HIM QUESTIONS: HE COULDN'T ANSWER THEM WITHOUT RACKING HIS BRAIN TRYING TO ANSWER CORRECT:
"ALLEN SAYS, YOUR EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS HAVE TRAUMATIZED-HIM-TO-THE-POINT HE WANTS YOU IN JAIL FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE. YOUR PARENTS SAID "THEY'RE TRYING TO PULL YOU OUT OF IT: BUT THEY CAN'T HANDLE YOUR MESS."
"WHY ARE YOU HELL BENT ON IMPALING THEM DEAD?" THE THERAPIST ASKED, WHAILING ON HIM WITH QUESTIONS: MANDIBLE CLENCHED
THEY WOULD BEAT HIM, UNTIL HE WAILED AND HE BLED: BEGGING THEM TO STOP, THEY PUNISHED HIM, FOR FAILING THEM
HE BATTLED HIS DEMONS IN A DRUG ADDLED DEN: TAPPING HIS SYRINGE: SMACKING HIS LIMBS, LOOKING FOR A VEIN, TO STASH THE MEDICINE [...]

LISTENING TO VAN HALEN CASSETTES: HE NODDED IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS, UNABLE, TO BALANCE CORRECT
IN A TAIL SPIN, ARMS FLAIRING, WITH MALICE INTENT: ANOTHER MOOD SWING, ANOTHER AMBULANCE SPED
DOWN MADISON AND LEX: NEEDLE STILL IN HIS ARM, THE CAP ON THE BENCH, TOURNIQUET, CIRCULATING, RELASPING EVENTS.
THE MEDIC BATTED HER EYELASHES AND FLATTERED HIM, AS THE FLAT LINE STARTED TO NORMALIZE, HE FELT DEMORALIZED SHATTERED WITH DREAD...








"HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"









FLASHING 10. THE MEDIC FLASHED THE FLASHLIGHT INTO HIS RETINA AND SAW: DETACHMENT AND SIN: EYES DAMAGED & RED
ONCE HIS MIRANDA WAS READ, THE OFFICER HAND-CUFFED HIM, BUT HE HAD A PIN: HE UNLATCHED IT & FLED INTO THE BLACKNESS
THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT: BUT HE COULDN'T GET IT OFF THE BACK OF HIS WRIST





A STRUGGLE ENSUED





A RANCHER WAS KEPT—HOSTAGE—HE COULD FEEL THE BARREL OF THE GUN IN HIS LARYNX, WEDGED, UNTIL EACH—BREATH—HE—EXHALED—WAS—LEAD—
PELLETS FROM HIS PARENTS WEAPON, HE SNATCHED IT FROM THEIR HAMPER WHILE THEY READ: GRABBED IT & CHECKED
TO SEE IF IT WAS LOADED: AS HE COCKED BACK THE HAMMER, HE SAID SOMETHING UNDER HIS BREATH, BEFORE HE SPLATTERED THEM
(SHELL CASINGS DYED RED LIKE SCAVENGED EGGS) EVERYONE WAS DRAPED OVER BANISTERS, HOLDING ONTO THE HAND RAIL IN SUSPENSE[...]
"SURRENDER, OR WE'LL USE OUR AUTOMATIC WEAPONS TO BRING YOUR HAVOC TO AN END."
HE SURRENDERED, WITH HIS HANDS AGAIN, BUT EVERY TIME THEY HAD HIM ARRESTED, HE MANAGED TO PICK THE LOCK AND BAIL ON DETECTIVES
THE SHERRIF AND THE FEDS: USED EVERY TOOL THAT THEY HAD TO NAB THE ASSAILANT, BEFORE HE COULD VANISH AGAIN
TO NO AVAIL: HE WAS LIKE A PHANTOM MENACE, THEY COULDN'T TRACK OR APPREHEND: A FIGMENT OF THEIR IMAGINATION, GHASTLY AND GRIM
THEY COULDN'T PLACE THEIR FINGER ON HIM BECAUSE HE WOULD HACK IT OFF AND MAIL IT TO THEM AND STAMP THE ADDRESS
HE WAS A PERSON OF INTEREST: THEY GATHERED THE EVIDENCE, THE SCALES AND THE METH-AMPHETAMINES
HE HAD CRACK IN HIS POSSESSION, IT MADE HIM ACT POSSESSED, THE RESIDUE ON THE BAG WAS PARAPHERNALIA SENT
TO THE LAB TO INSPECT. THE WHITE COATED SCIENTIST: SNIFFED A RAIL AND DETECTED THE CAPSULE WAS FENT-ANYL
BEFORE HE COLLAPSED AND SLEPT, AS THE MADMAN DREAMT OF A WAY TO MURDER THEM WITHOUT A TRAIL OF REGRET[...]
AFTER KILLING THE FAMILY PET, HE BEAT THE NANNY TO DEATH: FOR PRYING INTO HIS BUISNESS, HIS HATCHET CONFESSED.
PLASMA IN HIS SWEAT, THE JUDGE'S MALLET CONVICTED HIM OF KILLING ALLEN WITH A WRENCH OVER XANIES AND X
THE LAWYER CRAMMED THE EVIDENCE INTO THE JUROR, AS HE LOOKED DOWN AND SWEARED TO REPENT
HE YANKED THE CRUCIFIX OFF OF ALLEN'S NECK AND STOOD THERE WITH IT IN HIS HAND CLENCHED: AND IMPALED HIM AGAIN
ALLEN SAILED TO HEAVEN—LEFT HIS BODY ASSAILED AND BESET: HIS SPIRIT, WAITED FOR HIS LAST EXHALE TO BE SHRED
TEMPERS FLAIRING AS HIS FAMILY WEPT: THE JUDGE HANDED OUT THE SENTENCE, BANGING THE GAVEL, UNTIL DEAD MAN'S BAILMENT WAS SET

THE PARENTS IMPLANTED A SENSE OF FAILURE, INTO HIM: EVERY TIME HIS FAMILY PRESSED HIM, IT CALLOUSED HIS CLENCH
THE DEFENDANT VALIANTLY INTERJECTS, PICKING AN ARGUMENT, AS THE DEVIL UNVEILED & INJECTED
A NAIL ON THE HEAD!

[Soule]

Dead Man, this was pretty cool. Flowed well. Part of me couldn't tell if this was just a really smooth keystyle or if you actually had a concept behind it all. Maybe that's not a bad thing. I'm a really big storyline guy personally so I might've liked to see something more driven than this but from a technical standpoint it was extremely clean. Good shit.

Frank, at first glance, this is ugly my dude lol. But once you dig in and start making your way it was rather pleasant. So, from what I gather. The dude's an addict who kills who good brother? And goes to prison in the end. I think my only real issue with this was that you maintained the same rhyme pattern throughout the entire piece, got a bit stale towards the end but it was consistent and I didn't catch myself falling off ever. Concept is real cool. I dig the storytelling here a lot. Good shit.

This was a really good battle, def a contender for Battle of the Week. Part of me feels like Dead Man expected Frank to no show. Regardless. On a person level, I enjoyed the storytelling in Frank's piece more. Felt like it could be a David Fincher movie, while Dead Man's felt like a track by Cage or Immortal Technique. Dope battle, could go either way.

Vote Frank

[Rawn MD]

Damn this was rough

Deadman - I really enjoyed your verse. I liked how you transitioned your rhyme scheme, and the stuff u alluded to really hit home to the picture… I especially liked the where the wild things are reference for some reason lol. Plus your word choice was on point with corresponding to the picture. I thoroughly enjoyed your verse…. I have seen better from you, but I did enjoy this.

Frank - You went a totally different direction with your verse. I did enjoy the story, and really your verse as a whole, and dug the fuck out of the whole Allen name scheme to Allen wrench line…however sometimes it felt like either you carried a syllable to many (mandible clenched/ failing them - for example) or your word choice either didn’t seem natural, or incorrect (shred as opposed to shed,) also the tenses were to conflicted for a story, for me at least. I know you use creative license with your wording sometimes, but I felt you could’ve done more with the topic… although the story was good, it did feel a little long winded at times, and the rhyme scheme was dope af, but like I said from a technical standpoint I have see you drop was more natural schemes within your own creativity, which you know I do dig.

Honestly you two are among my favorite writers on here to read topicals from. I am happy I read this, but sometimes less is more, and I felt Deadman got this from more of a technical standpoint. I did enjoy both verses thoroughly though.

Vote - Deadman

[Universe]

dead man

This is vintage deadman right here. I felt you were a little off last week but this is what I'm used to getting from you. The ease at which these words fly off the screen is always a sight to behold... literally every word matters and there is gems everywhere to be found. The way you quietly extend a rhyme scheme with just a word or two... the way you transition out of one so smoothly that it seems natural and not forced... It's like a treasure hunt, reading you. And I enjoy it each time... even the times I get lost, because you don't hold our hands through these and there's no 'X marks the spot' on the map. The narrative is what it is and we have to derive our own story from it.

This is both good and bad, depending on who you are and I guess, your mood. Your connections to the topics are usually loose at best, and there is an argument to be had that you write a general verse and sprinkle in relevant lines and concepts to match your given topic, but I for one, enjoy your approach and style. It's like playing Dark Souls - We drop right in with no instructions and find our own way through it, difficult yes, but well worth it in the end.

Especially when we get stuff like this:

"let you freeze. bone and muscle spasms
Metra traffic, stuck in transit
eyelid twitches / tunnel vision / "nothing happened". fuck it
bloody gash, paralysis you're walking backward
wheelchair-bound on army rations
stenosis twist your chiropractic
doublethink your heart imagine
like you never saw it happen"

Like, fuck. Who else could write something like this? Not a single one of us.

A pleasure, sir.


Frank

Like most, I didn't enjoy the presentation of the all caps but once you get into the vibe of the piece it actually becomes part of the narrative, which is dope af. Other than that this was standard Frank stuff, brilliance mixed with unadulterated chaos. A lot of it worked and was amazing, a lot of it didn't and just came off forced. Some spelling errors stood out in this one as well, cuz you know... it was all in caps ("SUICIAL")

I really did enjoy reading this, but your narrative always gets so lost within the constant need to maintain the rhyme scheme, which in and of itself would be forgivable if you didn't repeat so many god damn words. Do you not expect us to notice this? Or you just don't care? Either way, it's lazy writing. Beautiful, sure, at times... but lazy.

Honestly this was like reading a Sinacog verse before he fully transitioned from AJ The Menace - Like he was stuck right in the middle of the metamorphosis and we all got to experience the purgatory. It was absolute madness and I both loved it and hated it at the same time.

I get it now... Frank is John Cena. Love him or hate him, either way you WILL react. And in the end that's what matters.

Also what matters... line limit. I forgave you last week but I'm not doing it here. This is clearly over 60 lines, no matter how you say you structured it, and if we are holding hal0 accountable we need to hold you accountable as well. You can't write an entire bar and call it a line... you just can't. If you need line extensions every week you have to request them from your opponent; You can't just bully your way through this without any repercussions. Not when I'm around anyway...

Unfortunate, because as it stands I probably would've given you the W just on creative bravery alone... which it had in spades. This was a topical piece literally INFUSED with the narrative itself and was creative as creative gets in that respect. But guess what? Rules are rules and you will learn the hard way here.

Vote: dead man via DQ

[Adverse]

Yeah, so this was a sight to behold.

Dead man,

I agree with what Universe said about your connections to the topic being a tad bit loose at times, but I think you did a great job capturing the mania of this character (well I think you both did but I’ll get to Frank later.) the things you articulate, the way you put your words is all on your own and I think you have a style that would be impossible to mimic. I know most of your stories you write probably aren’t even based on reality but you make us feel them like they are, its easy to find relatable ground in your work. There’s such a sense of ease, the flow reads so smoothly and juxtaposes to the content well in that way. This feels effortless for you anymore, you just sail right through it when the rest of us are flailing our arms against the current trying to stay alive. Great work, my favorite section is:

“ fireside we fought a dragon. all behaviors automatic
addicts in a thoughtful panic. i escaped the fall, titanic
drowning in your own Atlantis. guess who's throwing water at it?
i've been taking shots and
tossing darts at you for target practice
zombie-eque your posture,
ghosts inside of your head
you'll be max, i'll be the monster
all the wild things are dead
nailgun nocturne, nighttime may it lull me asleep
nextdoor while spinal fluid leaks all over our sheets
you never knew until i left
how deep that it went
now i've left too many secrets
and you're bleeding to death.”

Frank:
You got creatively different here so kudos to that, like I said in my feedback of Black’s verse, the mania was captured well here especially with the use of capitals it was a messy read but it felt frantic, scared it added to the verse. Though I wonder if this is something you did deliberately or was just something you did while rushing your verse against the due date. I sort of enjoyed your narrative even though it was a rough read throughout. Usually your lines are overstuffed but this was ridiculous, you had multiple bars worth of content in one line. I didn’t like that and honestly this was your most tedious verse I’ve seen, before if you dropped some of the same words over and over I could deal with it but it just weighed on this piece a lot more than it should have. It honestly had me feeling fatigued at the end of it.
This wasn’t your best work and honestly was an annoying verse. Though there’s not technically anything against the rules about it it still shouldn’t count, it’s shitty to drop like this especially 1 minute before the due date when you’ve been MIA all week.

All in all I do think this was a good battle honestly but I couldn’t get over all the shit Frank did here, even if his verse didn’t have its glaring issues I still don’t think I would have liked it much compared to his other work.

Think dead man wins this fair and square without even considering the line limit debacle. This battle made me tired I’m sick of this battle it’s making me tired

/dead man

[NYCSPITZ]

blood in a bowl, so you salivate and swallow it whole
feline fantasy turned enemy. our ecstasy slowed
to a screeching halt / i stopped the car and followed a road
to a fork and knife, a poltergeist with similar poetry
sundress and rosary. she promised me a different dystopia
i left around 9
felt that dagger metal enter your spine
ripping up your tissue as you kiss me goodbye
never one to argue, i just step to the side
answering the siren's call of pleasure & pride

^^^ The transitions in your verses were buttery smooth here, as per usual. It’s not like others lack your vocabulary (although certain words you use would never occur to us), you just phrase things in a way that makes minds melt. Take the first line here, descriptive noun, followed by two actions. Swallow it whole has a sort of heterosexual finality to it that’s actually overlooked in an era of #metoo faggotry. Then, key, the first word in the next line “feline fantasy” ties in the rest of the phrase/sonnet/paragraph/essay whatever fuck you. It’s like you’re using personal experience to write yet you’re not. Like it’s a dreamscape pulled out of the psychosphere in some strange parallel reality. I dig it. Ecstasy slowed to a screeching halt is nice because all you need is the word ecstasy to convey the stratosphere/moon/space levels of joy within this relationship, and then it crashed (as all relationships tend to do). You strike me as somebody with character and depth who would be monogamous given the chance but certain deeply scarring parental issues hold you back from having kids/staying solid within a relationship for years. You seem jaded and overly cynical and creative and influenced by writers who were genius but possibly manic/bi-polar/archetypally regressed (ie. Hemingway in his adolescent me vs the world mode til he died). Anyways, even if that’s right (probably not) I appreciate the creative output and I think, from a bird’s eye perspective - when you zoom out from the vantage point of Zarathustra’s soaring bald eagle…we are all perfectly place in the flow of the Tao. So anyways, you stopped the car and followed a road, to a fork AND A KNIFE that’s savage. Just adds extra dimensions to it. A poltergeist with similar poetry, Yup just met an ivy league grad student who’s sexy and was wearing floral top, there could be something there (probably not), but it’s rare to find somebody who is also sexy, and a genius, as I am. Rosary beads and sundresses, gorgeous wording - nothing better than a sundress on a woman. Rosary beads, *heh/chuckle/chortle* I mean, it can convey either a very conventional “trad wife” type of bitch (who you know that bitch is still gon creep anyways, whatever tho), or a sort of halfway bitch (trying to stay traditional but the rosary is a dead giveaway since she’s agnostic/atheist/uncertain so it’s just a sort of attraction piece to attract dudes like the slut she is), conversely you can have the other type of chick who’s just straight social butterfly, flirting with every dude yet you’re still attracted to her bc she’s so comfortable in her own skin and gives you hope that you can fuck. It can also be a straight bitch but I that’s not what you were going for here. Dystopia/dagger metal/rip through spine/kiss line was savage like strangely sexual and gave me a metal hard boner. It’s like, a baroque/complex/sensual/jaded/cynical/passionate/too close to the flame type of deal where goodness and truth and…morals do in fact exist, but they’re always just sort of out of reach, like just outside of your peripheral vision. That’s what we’re dealing with here. Never one to argue - answering siren’s call: you’re mastery at push/pull is perfect here. You’re “stepping to the side”, yet you’re answering the siren’s call, you clever little shit. In the syngery of this lascivious/overtly sexual/somewhat pathological-jaded-neo-noir/dionysian union, you’ve painted a picture so sexual…so savage…so deep….so flawed but oh so real. And you’re giving yourself sneak props by being like, Aye dog, I just step to the side but it’s nothing for me, I psychoanalyzed this bitch 57 hours ago and though I’m slick enough to not mention the psychoanalysis to her directly which would dry up her pussy faster than a trickly of poland spring in the Sahari, I am acting with her in a way that delved straight into an evanescent encounter in the PRESENT MOMENT, thus activating a sort of zen satori moment, an enlightenment and awakening that can only be found when one truly is at peace with all his emotions, all his past, and knows he has merged with the flow of Tao…I think you still see yourself as separate from the Universe, I will not fault you for this, but clearly we are all at one with the universal body - this is never more evident and ferocious than when one such as yourself takes a moment to do that mind exercise for himself - seeing everybody and everything as an extension of that same energy that was once (ostensibly) the big bang….

wheelchair-bound on army rations
stenosis twist your chiropractic
doublethink your heart imagine
like you never saw it happen
tell another promise that we'll drop inside another casket
fireside we fought a dragon. all behaviors automatic
addicts in a thoughtful panic. i escaped the fall, titanic
drowning in your own Atlantis. guess who's throwing water at it?
i've been taking shots and
tossing darts at you for target practice
zombie-eque your posture,
ghosts inside of your head
you'll be max, i'll be the monster
all the wild things are dead
nailgun nocturne, nighttime may it lull me asleep
nextdoor while spinal fluid leaks all over our sheets
you never knew until i left
how deep that it went
now i've left too many secrets
and you're bleeding to death.

I was strongly considering the 18x program for special forces a couple years ago because I’m smart and handsome, so I like the reference to MRE’s, it just would’ve been too long of a commitment for me, 2 years fuck all that noise, it would have been interesting to become a contractor and get paid to kill people though, yeah whatever fuck that noise I’m trying to get laid this summer. Stenosis twist your chiropractic is on some frank shit, flipping it on the chiropractor himself, instead it’s chriopractic, in addition you’re creating an infinite mobius strip loop where the “chriopractic” element of stenosis actually breeds stenosis itself via movement/non-movement, it’s paradoxical like the double slit experiment. Doublethink - drop in a casket was ill, not surprised to see a 1984 reference from this morose muh fukka, imagine is also a beatles song so you can never rule that out as wordplay, this almost reads like a buddhist koan which is a paradox unto itself, making the student confused until he realizes that the shit’s impossible and the only thing that matters is true oneness with reality in the present moment. Maybe you should retire soon and become a zen master, that would be funy ahaha. Tell another promise…that you’ll…DROP…INTO A CASKET??? THat’s fucked up, you’re telling promises you won’t keep and shit? Grimey, just grimey. ANyways I could get deeper into that but I’m not going to, hehe. Fireside we fought a dragon, all behaviors automatic —->> Going off previous verses you had a dysfunctional yet monetarily and intellectually fruitful (if not scarring) childhood so you stay fighting that dragon, “WE” is key here, as the dragon in our mind that must be slain (NAMELY THE GATEKEEPERS OF FEAR AND ILLUSION)….MUST be handled on an individual basis, the comfort of another human, platonic or otherwise, is a crutch in this sense unless you deeply understand each other and help the other slay their own dragons, but that’s rare imo (though it does happen organically from time to time, I feel it used to happen more often in say an old native tribe where they had much more reverence and time to think about archetypal forces outside the distractions of modernity). Yeah let’s say you fought the dragon, that’s a nice lil homage to teammwork and faith in humanity that peaks out of your works coyly at times, you then immediately shut down the notion that the dragon was slain because you can’t do that with automatic behaviors, getting to that deeper psychological realm where you find excalibur and slay the beast requires a consciousness shift which could be as simple as a satori moment or as complex as layers of psychotherapy (or self psychotherapy) until you get to that node of denial holding you back and finally burst it open for good into one thousand evanescent bubbles of gemstones frolicking in joy like so many Japanese Shinto spirits joyously dancing in the midsummer night’s waft of vernal peace…

I fee you intuitively understand this, because your next line reads: drowning in your own atlantis, guess who’s throwing water at it? You, ofcourse. The “thoughtful panic” you allude to can be seen as a tension held by borderlines and those who may not be bordeline but are at the edge of an archetypal force (let’s use the king/warrior/magician/lover as an example) that they don’t understand/can’t fully handle. It’s tough to channel numinous energy, easier to shut it down and explain it away as evil/bad when you really just aren’t handling that energy properly in the moment (we’ve all been there, me more than most maybe). Tossing darts is also a nice allegory for “popping” negative inflation, the blown up state of ego found in hermits, reclusive hikkikomori, etc. The jester in your mind MUST POP this negative inflation so you can be more at ease and one with the flow of the Tao…as for a positive inflation that too must be popped so you can regulate archetypal energy instead of squirting it everywhere so that the goo attracts and repels everybody in droves causing chaos with only your narcissism at the core of that chaotic kingdom of gooslop.

I’ll be max you be the monster, aha yeah I watched stranger things 4 too my nigga, u seen that shit…fucked up how maxine got fucked up but at least she’s only in acoma. Another reference to dragons, you have deep rooted issues, I’m worried. PM me, I know a guy named VERITAS that can help u…

Nailgun nocturn nighttime, I started triple alliteration here around 2012, or maybe 715 in Japan in my last incarnation as a Daimyo there, thanks for that. SPinal fluids leaking all over the sheets, your lines always hit heavy because it’s not like we can’t think this shit up, you’re almost on a different vibrational frequency and phrases like that aren’t even available to us mere topical mortals, Others do it but you do it like 15x in one verse, it’s actually quite impressive…

The ending with secrets and bleeding to death is very poignant in an era of glib social media horseshit and social media profiles that show faked smiles and highlights of people’s lives making them seem more attractive/rich/cool than they are, it’s actually really a mass ZUCKERMACHINE experiment which holds narcissism as it’s false god, its holy grail, its fool’s gold. BUTTT, since we’re all human we hurt anyway, we bleed anyway, our secrets hurt us and confound us and revel themselves and enlighten us anyways, it’s just more NUANCED to do it in a REAL WAY where you’re not pretending and acquiescing to the culture. Which we never do. I would never do that…could never do it again…

ANyways, dope verse haha wow lots of material is jam packed into those few short bars!!!



Frank I like you but others are correct in saying you are acting entitled and childish. It’s just not a good look for a 34, nearly 35 year old man. You gotta grow up a little bit. Anyways, this was a dynamite verse here my fren. A few lines stand out as fire delivery:

- Detachment and sin
- Alan wrench
- Mechanical Pez
- Malice Intent
- Stash the medicine
- Van Halen Cassettes
- Dead Man’s bailment was set nice hidden punchline

Anyways it was dope and I am currently deciding who to vote for. The sheer amount of creative license you took, along with holding of tension and imagination in droves. I kind of want to vote for you so it’s 3-2 and a close score. I also kind of want to vote for dead man because although you’re two completely different writers, his writing seems to contain more depth, nuance of lived experience and intellectual ferocity. Your writing seems incredibly creative and engaging but you repeat certain line endings and the bars are so stretched it’s almost embarrassing at this point.

I’m with Universe, I ALMOST want to vote for frank, it was that fun to read, but when you stack up pros and cons, deadman has few cons, and frank’s highs are extremely engaging but his cons are more prevalent.

So I guess mvgt to dead man. I think Frank can win a rematch if he goes all in with the right topic, this topic was more a deadman topic than a frank topic, frank could potentially win a scifi/fantasy topic vs deadman but it’d still be close and he’d have to be firing on all cylinders

V/ Black

See you next week after I win mine 2-1 after a butthurt frank hate vote

[Frank]

@Mike Wrecka
@Dominate
@Eviction
@Master Rock
@brokenhal0
@timeless

[brokenhal0]

Frank by not simplifying your verse this week...you may have shot yourself in the foot
deadmans verse was a perfect example of when less is more it kept me engaged and the wordplay was what I would expect from a top writer... while i thought your concept was dope some rhymes did come off a bit forced it was also kinda similar to the verse u had written a few weeks back in our battle i dont know if that was done on purpose which is cool to carry over the characters but it just did not keep me as engaged as deadmans verse very close battle
i can see how frank can scoop the vote with his writing style alone but if imma go bar for bar and cut out all the fancy stuff deadman got it by a smidgen

mvgt - Deadman by a hair

[Dominate]

I just finished writing this long ass vote for the week 12 champ match and then it was too late :(

@dead man,
Reading this makes me feel like I’m a teenager and my dad let me have a glass of red wine at a family gathering and all the adults are talking about how it’s got a generous mid palatte with hints of peppercorn and a soft and youthful profile tempered by even tannins and I’m just like… yeah this tastes like spicy Ribena, shit’s dope. Too amateur to appreciate it fully but drinking it in is a pleasure. I can talk to you about mechanics. The content of your verses always requires me to pause and consider each line, but I usually read it through once first and let the words just wash over me. There’s some other writers here that turn a phrase as well as you do, in their own style, but the way you build a rythym and then transition so seamlessly into a different one, littering your work with rhymes everywhere but switching up the flow frequently in a way that keeps it so engaging to read even totally aside from the content, is unparalleled. Alright, I did go back and reread and pause and consider. I retract my statement about others turning a phrase as well as you. Followed a road to a fork and knife, “step to the side” double meaning, stuck in transit / tunnel vision. Man, this is so fucking good. I catch something else and it gets better and better the more I read it. One thing I can’t figure out is your switch to third person in a single bar – “counts his blessings in private …”. I have to believe it was intentional but I don’t really get it. But anyway. As a standalone piece this was absolute brilliance. The only part of this that’s just OK and not great is the connection to the given topic. What I take from your piece is your character emotionally crippling his significant other through infidelity and gaslighting – ‘poking holes in her throat she doesn’t even know’. If the pic was just the bent over figure with the nails that’d be fine, but the figure pulling them out seems like an important aspect of the picture and it felt unaddressed in your verse to me. Probably I’m missing something. Oh well.


@Frank,
OK I get the all caps as a stylistic choice to show your character’s rage but I got like 6 bars in and I just can’t. Copied it to a Word doc and changed it to sentence case. Much better. While I was there I did a word count: 933. The rules are 60 lines max at 15 words/line = 900 words max. So you were just a tiny bit over which is exactly what NYC predicted lmaooo. Okay, so. It’s interesting that you both interpreted the topic as the nails being emotional trauma inflicted by loved ones. I think you addressed the ‘pulling the nails out’ aspect better than your opponent did with your character taking some vengeance on his family. “Hit the nail on the head” was a cool wordplay and great way to end the verse. You had your usual multitude of multis here, towards the start of the verse I was feeling like they weren’t as dense as usual and the flow was suffering for it but it did pick up. Maintaining the same rhyme through a 60 (or 62) line verse whilst simultaneously telling a coherent story is no mean feat. Even if you did repeat some rhymes and words here and there, they were spaced far enough apart that I’d forgotten them, so it was no biggie to me. Although you didn’t lose control of the narrative like others do when trying to flex some multis, at times your word choices were just too obviously influenced by the rhyme scheme and felt unnatural. It wasn’t that bad, really, and against most opponents I probably wouldn’t even comment on it, but it didn’t compare favourably against dead man who seems to choose every single word so carefully.


Alright, so. As standalone pieces I think while Frank’s verse was pretty good dead man just outwrote him here. But, I do think Frank hit the topic a little better which makes it closer. It looks like my vote isn’t going to change the outcome at this point so let me just leave this feedback for you guys now and I’ll have a think about who to vote for.


^ well that's useless now but I hope you like the additional feedback anyway.