01-09-2018, 09:50 PM | #1 |
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WEEK V: Ender vs King Ra.[ENDER WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59 Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59 Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Ender vs @King Ra. Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 01-17-2018 at 03:33 PM. |
01-10-2018, 04:11 AM | #2 |
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Praise be to the Universe.
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01-10-2018, 09:33 AM | #3 |
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Check.
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01-14-2018, 01:15 AM | #4 | |
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Enders verse
Moments of Joy Smothered screams in scenes of suffering Another fiend I’ve left bleeding and blubbering Deemed its conduct troubling so I set the snare Lied to arrange a buy - how I always get them there Mmmghghph! Mmph! Jesus, I need to get prepared Kept tied to a chair it’s looking bug-eyed and scared Compared to this thug, other drug dealers were brave It’s squealing in pain as though it’s feeling my blade Just really afraid since the game has still to be played A painful bill to be paid until my urge to kill is obeyed So with a thrill I say, while quite light-hearted “Well then, my friend, let’s get started!” Two hours later Its annoying moan is destroying my zone Just peeled its toe and I’m toying with the bone Want to enjoy the moment but the groan - it’s upsetting I know the flow that I want and it’s not the tone that I’m getting But I won’t be letting this stupid scum ruin my fun “If you continue to run your gums you’ll be losing your tongue. Soon we’ll be done and this will come to an end So let’s not lose anything else my glum little friend!” It’s fun to pretend that they might get to go home Yet I think it knows it’s near the end of the road Ribs distended and bowed, its breathing has slowed Heart heaving and exposed, erratic beating is showed Feet missing six toes and nose in a new position A slew of incisions looking in an abused condition It could use a physician but it tries to die quiet And comply with silence to my reply of violence Closing eyes to my science of the plight of my prey But I delight in display, creating sights of dismay It must look intently at the scene I’m enticed to portray So I gently pinch its eyelids and slice them away It fails to obey my order - screams and shouts instead It doubted my threat - I pull its tongue out of its head Now the lout is practically dead, starts to wheeze This is the part where I seize his heart and squeeze Feeling the darting speed first recede then stop The right of the fiend on top, a life seen as a prop Mine to be dropped as I unlock creations meaning And God’s dreaming, but for now, the space needs cleaning Two months later Put out a feeler for blow, awaiting the dealer to show My eighth in a row, yet the field continues to grow I see my new foe approaching my seat in the park We greet at the start, a sheep meeting a shark And next complete dark, feel my awareness break And now again I’m awake, with an immense headache I see the brothers of some of the men I outsmarted With a twisted grin one says “Well then, let’s get started!” Quote:
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01-14-2018, 01:41 AM | #5 |
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where there is darkness, there is light....
Yin and yang. Duality. The fall of night, rise of dawn. From out of nothing, a big bang! Cosmic thunder when the Gods flexed their brawn. The beginning of birth, awestruck. A universal construct. The ends were drawn and the laws stuck as they conversed and formed our beautiful Earth. check- I watched as nebulas formed and disguised their wondrous faces Sirius was born when the congregation arose and applauded with a thunderous grace. I wander, awake, in tune with this cosmic reality harmonious tones and melodic notes strung together in common formality. As I ponder and shake, I see the might of celestial bodies in movement perfect spherical congruence, somewhere beyond where the truth is. Comets are shooting stars that light up heaven's roof and blackholes are deep abysses that anyone can escape through. poof. The expanse stretches as galaxies turn around gravity's curves at the seat of it all, if you listen, Gods' strategies heard. A vivid fantasy, word, scriptures state it as the pictures painted a stroke grace, I recline, my spirits lifts then fades.... in. Breath of life, soul ignited. My inner-G forged in fire. Conscious stoked. Knowledge rose when my third eye opened, glowed. My mind soaked in hope chakras woke, evoked. Cloaked in a higher state of mind I rise. Stood at the edge of the universe and took a leap of faith, as I fell into the darkness I could have sworn I seen his face. In awe of God(s).
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01-15-2018, 05:00 PM | #6 |
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dope battle.
I liked both verses for two different reasons. This can go either way in my eyes. Kind Ra, I'm not huge on the whole galactic blah blah blah. What you did do though, was take an idea I don't like and still make it enjoyable through good writing. "The beginning of birth, awestruck. A universal construct. The ends were drawn and the laws stuck" That just rhymed very nicely. "Conscious stoked. Knowledge rose when my third eye opened, glowed. My mind soaked in hope chakras woke, evoked. Cloaked in a higher state of mind I rise." Probably my favorite part. I'm more into spirituality & thoughts like this, but I can understand how this ties into the universe. One in the same, huh.. Anyways, your writing is on point. I felt like you started off okay, warmed up, & finished strong. What's hurting you here (in my eyes, and it's super bias), is me just not liking this topic. Ender, this was pretty dope. The constant rhyme schemes, made for a very quick & fluent read. The topic was pretty simple, but it had a nice little twist if you ask me. I really just liked the rhyming a lot. It's weird because, there isn't a stanza I can pin point like, Yeah, this bar was dope. It was just an over all good read. On one hand, Ra had more 'stand out' material. But on the other hand, Ender had a verse I enjoyed & it rapped well. I'm gonna always go with what I enjoyed more, so yeah.. vEnder |
01-16-2018, 12:03 AM | #7 |
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Ender, I enjoyed your verse but it felt kind off at certain points.
I dont know if its the packaging of the rhymes or what but I rode with it. your story begins to take shape after that mini introduction which I liked. it felt like the calm before the storm & you really made some strides to the end. although I thought the piece could have used some stronger source material. I can see how the topic blends in once we get to the end and I enjoyed it. you stumbled at the end with that sheep meeting a shark line in my opinion. the whole scenario just seemed flung out of place to make its mark... I understand what you were trying to convey but it just didnt come off smooth. Im willing to admit that your flow is pretty great though, I enjoyed that bounciness you brought. if anything Im excited to see what else you can bring to the table here... King, Good to see an old face pop in to compete and drop a dope verse. the edge still seems there and you didnt really need to warm up to this drop. whenever I see topics like this its always nice to see what word choices folks bring. I dig the whole vibe of this piece though especially due to awe struck/construct definitely a solid piece from you during your hiatus... v/I was leaning towards Ender at first due to the bulk of his overall piece. but there were a few parts that I found myself disliking it just didnt hit me as hard as Id hoped. the topic just needs some umph to keep my attention & that is what Ra brought to the table. I like the whole point he brought with his piece and I thought he really shined through. the flow was more poetic to me but it still carried that strong presence that makes you say whoa... very well done...nice battle fellas, this should be a close one
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01-16-2018, 01:18 PM | #8 | |
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01-16-2018, 05:16 PM | #9 | |
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01-17-2018, 03:33 PM | #10 |
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I got ENDER here will elaborate my vote in the mag
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