01-09-2018, 09:51 PM | #1 |
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WEEK V: Mr. J vs Innovator vs Razah[TIED 2-2]
Season 8 Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59 Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59 Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Mr. J @Razah Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 01-17-2018 at 03:29 PM. |
01-10-2018, 07:38 PM | #2 |
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01-13-2018, 10:25 PM | #3 |
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“If the leaves turn brown how do we go back”
Step, crunch. I like the way the leaves crackle. How they break up, fall between the recently cleaned gravel Every detail engraved in my brain, this is the time I'm in Complete sorrow. As stable as a heap of leaves swirling at the slightest wind I can't stop tapping my foot- I'm falling fast Concerned my shoes are blanketed by fallen ash Had a bright future, that thought makes my spine shiver I light another one- Too bad I'll never get to see your light flicker Finally it sunk in, I fell to my knees- Couldn't walk, I had to.. crawl Life spiraled out of control, in the perfect season, it had to.. Fall Miss you. |
01-13-2018, 11:36 PM | #4 |
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This noose ties together a wretched disdain for life Grip the rope seams tighter for the pain to contrive Sweet surrender to the blackness of the soul’ core Spilling blots of nothingness on to this canvas never more. But he never sores from the cuts, yet he soars with each open door That He hinges between sanities sake and reality’s break. Everything’s at steak, while no one cares to relate. A passer by, only by chance kind of guy real harmless But a ghost between silhouettes, a shadow in darkness. A naggin twitch gnawing at the back of your thoughts Clawing deep into the catacombs of each sin you sought. Remembering every detail you conveniently forget, He’s a constant melody, the rhythm in your concerts plot. The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot. Holding tight this noose holds life at both ends of it’s plight On one end ascension, soaring inbetween the rays of light. On the other guilt and shame, ridicule and disdain Such fitting options for lost souls in the folds of their pain. To waste life is profane, but who’s the one pointing out Who to blame? Such is his game. And so twisted is this frame we humans seek mortalities pleasures Eternal life in the heavens avoiding death at all measures. While the treasures we seek lay beside us in a heap Mortality sighs with a satisfied grin He knows most of us will never reach our potential Becoming statistics to his whimsical whim. |
01-14-2018, 03:17 AM | #5 |
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My mind settles on the page & hope whittles away.
It could leave an opponent enraged with little to say. In the middle the claims start to become outrageous. The testing follows, prepping up the sound stages... Who could claim such synchrony existed? How time flies. How cruel it is to pace about with the blind eyes. Rewind..I'm fine...sometimes the irregularities get to me. Ever since the great crash the world doesn't make sense to me. Now I know what comes first like parentheses.... Society is in a free fall while another dumb bitch tries to get next to me. The aroma of strawberry yogurt arouses my senses but I got text to read. Got a lot of threats to meet, before I hide the body & Jekyll me. But now every other moment...well that doesn't make sense to me. Yesterday the dog was running by now he's wobbling in. My wife has a bunch of emotions that she's been bottling in. Numerous bottles of gin, a reeking stench brought on by harboring it in. Rivers that are cried become the memories in the warped floor. Her wails echo in the corridor & make me abandon all support for her... Down on our luck mixed in the same old same old that keeps unraveling. Put it all down on luxury dining, expensive diamonds & constant traveling. Our greed becomes the same cancer we battling. Looking inward hoping there is one last stash we can open up. But we've been down on that green, golfing with a broken club... Questioning expenditures from this year and the last. Now that the chips are down, we deal with blowbacks. There is no more green in our money tree & it won't grow back. If the leaves turn brown........how can we go back. We cant...after the wreck Ive been left in an amnesiac state. fading in and out of awareness & plus I can no longer see that great. these blinding flashes of migraines start to lead me astray. my subconscious starts to take over, everything Im hearing it say... there is no turning back after tonight, you can leave or you can stay. my pen scratches against the page cluttered in my journal. all the injustice that is dying inside tells me I never deserved you. the life after becomes a witch hunt until they can properly burn you. I guess when you are ~12~ like I am, everyone else is Mary Kay Letourneau. the memories come rushing back to me... I grin & think....thats what you get for fucking with me
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.....laugh....and the world laughs with you Last edited by Mr. J; 01-14-2018 at 02:12 PM. |
01-16-2018, 10:45 AM | #6 | |||||||||||||||||||
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Razah
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Okay, so, I thought this was a nice little play on the season. Especially, since fall always reminds me of a somber time of year. Thus, I liked how you flipped that into a heartbreak scenerio -- a break up, a death, whatever -- it was pure poetry. Or maybe you just miss the summer months a lot. Lol. Either way ... I dug it. Innovator Quote:
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VOTE -- Innovator Reason Raz: His piece was beautiful, well paced. He had a slight mechanical issue with the flow, but overall it read smoothly. His concept was nice and his words were poetic. It was a great read. But too short to compete here. Inno: His piece offered everything that Raz's did, just more off it. His flow, poetry, turn-of-phrase and thought process was all on-point and high-level throughout the entirety of the read. However, his story was all an abstract concept that could have been better explored through the framework of a more concerte narrative. Still an excellent verse nonetheless. MJ: Each verse seem to be slightly better than the last, in the sense that 1 was good, but 2 did what 1 did while adding a little extra. Whereas 3 did what 2 did, but also added a little extra on top of it. In this instance, Joker had all the mechanics and poetry that made Inno's verse a standout, but wrapped it in a story-based narrative that provided a face to the words. And because of that he had this battle won. In the bag. Well, up until the end that is. And maybe I'm an illiterate idiot. Probably I am. But, honestly speaking, I couldn't make sense of it. It changed the entire trajectory of the read. I think in this particular situation a safe ending that brought resolution and closure to the reader's assumption would have been a more fitting way to end it. As opposed to a conclusion that bred confusion. In any case, I think Inno takes the dub for have the more sound verse of the three . Regardless of the victor this was still a highly enjoyable and superb battle overall. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 01-16-2018 at 01:55 PM. |
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01-16-2018, 01:17 PM | #7 | |
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01-16-2018, 01:20 PM | #8 | |
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01-16-2018, 09:11 PM | #9 | |
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01-16-2018, 09:45 PM | #10 | |
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01-20-2018, 02:37 AM | #11 |
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Jay - Tears warping floor as memories is a very dope concept...Also like the parentheses line...Though, "warped floor, support for her" no bueno. I liked the read. I think it's fitting the first verse I read in a year is yours. I already wrote my verse, but damn our styles are different but similar, mines better though ;) A touching verse that is emotionally driven by a constant barrage of short-comings in a relationship souring due to various reasons. As I said, I enjoyed it entirely. You played with concepts on a line by line basis as well staying focused on the actual topic or direction of verse.
Inno - I had a hard time keeping any rhythm honestly. At points it rhymed solid, and at points the syllables did not line up. As for concept, I appreciated what you did poetically if not rhyming greatly in my eyes. "Never soars from cuts, soars from doors hinging between sanity and reality" Second stanza had another disdain and soaring line though. All in all, this verse was just ok. You followed the topic and did things well, but I personally feel like you also had a few instances that lacked. But as I said, as a whole, enjoyable read. nRazah - Who the fuck cleans gravel son??? LOL...Good verse though. Off subject, I know you're from Chiraq, you ever heard of "Smino"? He's a Chicago based artist that I fux with right now on the regular. Anyways. This was a short and simple read, you had concept, but I wish you fit in at least one more line concept linking to leaves, kind of adding abit more meat to chew on while digesting the read. Because as is... I'm left with looking beyond concept because you all did well in that front. I feel Inno fell out of favor in being my least favorite in terms of flow, all three had line by line concept in a major way. But MR. J had more in my eyes. He stayed on topic while matching Razah flow but also gave me, well, more to digest and think about as Razah's verse was sort of all left out in the open, Jay made me think some. Sorry guys, I tried to break tie, but I can only be honest in whose verse I enjoyed most v/ Mr. J
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01-23-2018, 05:53 AM | #12 |
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deciding vote on me, ill take the slack since im not in this league!
Raz – this reads like an un-rhyming poem to begin with but soon picks up mechanically. As youd expect in such a short verse! Nice word choices throughout. Simple little piece, not ground breaking but effective and enyoyable for what it is… all led to the ending punch! it works! Think you may have just underestimated the others in terms of not writing a bigger piece, seems like a keystyle! Not bad though Innov- the guy who robbed me in the final, arch nemesis, 0-2 record against… now you’re about to get hate voted on like a motherfucker… ahahaha only joking lad! first part is really good tbf, hopefully its leading to some sick metaphor or turns out hes the reaper or something (getting dressed to kill lol) “But he never sores from the cuts, yet he soars with each open door “ “The one pulling the strings until life becomes a knot. – these lines stood out” ummm second part, shrouded in mystery, continues the piece at an interesting pace, makes me want to read on. feels like a metaphor for holding himself together atm?? third part, feels like up to this point, you’ve made someone tying his tie into something more meaningful, very dope, madness lol. Yeah that’s surely ‘death’, the ending line/ paragraph is really good imo. Ive got used to the fact that technically you’re not gonna shine as much as others, but for what this is, its great, this is you in your element and you have to appreciate that. Some will like it, others wont. Good read Mr J – about ten lines in, flows better than the others, not a fan of using the same ending rhymes/ words but it makes for a smooth, more enjoyable read so ill forgive ya haha! no idea where this is going, im intrigued. Whoa didn’t expect that ending!!! tried to process this, it come out of nowhere just researched who Mary Kay Letourneau was, wtf!! so you’re the girl (12) and has somehow gained (or his gaining) revenge on the world in a bitter state? Believing everyone else is evil as well. this ending needs clearing up to me in all honestly. if it was concise youd probably get the W I got innov |
01-23-2018, 09:32 AM | #13 |
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