deadman - harbor bells

[dead man]

it's


where i traveled alone. sandy remote. skyfall engross
King castellan. Ace of spades my bicycle spoke
shoreline Sucralose. syrup saucy barbecue smoke
grassy knoll and honeycomb and strawberry grove
draw me a poem. speak in symbols. trigger neuroses
her liver cirrhoses. my escape was harbors and boats,
harbored emotions. peacefulness was salt in the breeze
reading novels talking to trees, thoughtful reprieve
devil grass and dandelions up to my knees
crossed legged barefoot smoking as i roll up my jeans
oasis - no. it's stasis. autonomic. a dream
paralyzing, pristine. promise me forever, it screams
promise me you'll stay with me. my yellows and greens
watercolor waterfalls collages the creek
Crayola crevasse. stones and rocks. oily and dry
grab a palmful of soil and let it slide
through my fingers earthen damp rejuvenation, alive
mudpool fertilize. croaking chirping blink kaleidoscope eyes.
this is sanctuary, sanctimony safety and soul
when envisioning home, i'm right here skipping a stone
resonation light refract across the surface and break
the symmetry when rippling effectual lake
20 minutes to ride here and a moment to sink
into everything and everywhere. a moment to think
is all we ever need, i find myself at a pass
stuck between regressing and maturing too fast
sunken marshland, leaves of grass, paperback spines
bending over backwards now to let me recline
i'd give anything and everything to let me rewind
sit once more beside the lake and stare at the sky
smoke and pray and recollect and wander and cry
head in my hands. stone and sand. this treasure of mine
stands beneath apartments boasting beautiful views
and it's true
but you can't replicate the feeling of youth.





deadman

[Geno]

Brilliant. I was remided

[ACTIVATE SELF]

it's

where i traveled alone. sandy remote. skyfall engross
King castellan. Ace of spades my bicycle spoke
shoreline Sucralose. syrup saucy barbecue smoke

Your terminology is always interesting, as is your phrasing. However, I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that I understood everything you wrote here. I think you are taking extreme artistic liberties with the actual meaning of some of these words. As a result, some of your imagery, although poetically appealing, is somewhat hazy. Strangely enough however, I can't knock you for it, because the way in which you put your thoughts into words comes across as borderline genuis.

I guess if I had to take a stab at it, the section quoted above is depicting the fond memories of childhood. In particular, memories of riding a bike with aluminium claded spokes down the shoreline. Perhaps the beach was a private retreat for the child? somewhere that he would go to build sand castles and pretend to be the king of all that he surveyed? At least that's my interpretation of your words.

grassy knoll and honeycomb and strawberry grove
draw me a poem. speak in symbols. trigger neuroses

That's dope. Mostly, because that's what you seem to do best. On a word by word basis none of the above really adds up to a solid picture. But when you take all the shards of fragmented imagery you throw at your readers and piece them together, a larger, much more complex, image starts to form. It's more than just a single scence or visual. Instead, it's more like a synopsis of scattered memories that make a unified statement. It's like poetic hieroglyphs.

her liver cirrhoses. my escape was harbors and boats,
harbored emotions. peacefulness was salt in the breeze

So here you seem to allude to what I assume is an illiness in the family. Perhaps your mother? And your refuge from the trauma being near the water. Where you can smell the salt in the breeze. It's therapeutic. I like how it's subtly stated. While at the same time it engages the senses, thus putting the reader in the scene.

reading novels talking to trees, thoughtful reprieve
devil grass and dandelions up to my knees
crossed legged barefoot smoking as i roll up my jeans
oasis - no. it's stasis. autonomic. a dream
paralyzing, pristine. promise me forever, it screams
promise me you'll stay with me. my yellows and greens

Uhmmm I don't get it. So are you in some sort of literal coma imagining all of this is happening or are you in a dream like state of being and ... uhmmm ... yeah bruh, I have no clue. You kind of lost me here. I do love the language and the pacing tho. It's just hard to follow exactly what you're trying to express. It's very spoken wordish and reminiscent of how Saul Williams constructs his pieces. Although, there's an undeniable originality to your written voice. Anyway, moving on ...

watercolor waterfalls collages the creek
Crayola crevasse. stones and rocks. oily and dry

The artistry of Bob Ross comes to mind.

grab a palmful of soil and let it slide
through my fingers earthen damp rejuvenation, alive
mudpool fertilize. croaking chirping blink kaleidoscope eyes.
this is sanctuary, sanctimony safety and soul
when envisioning home, i'm right here skipping a stone
resonation light refract across the surface and break
the symmetry when rippling effectual lake
20 minutes to ride here and a moment to sink
into everything and everywhere. a moment to think
is all we ever need, i find myself at a pass
stuck between regressing and maturing too fast
sunken marshland, leaves of grass, paperback spines
bending over backwards now to let me recline
i'd give anything and everything to let me rewind
sit once more beside the lake and stare at the sky
smoke and pray and recollect and wander and cry
head in my hands. stone and sand. this treasure of mine
stands beneath apartments boasting beautiful views
and it's true
but you can't replicate the feeling of youth.

deadman

Dope. Beautiful phrasing. Word after word I could see it all unfold before my eyes as I read along.

As a whole this was an exceptional piece. It had heart, thoughtfulness, interesting word usage and stellar mechanics. I loved the poetry it possessed and the trip it took me on.

Personally, it reminded me of Lake Michigan in Chicago, an old pond in Mississippi and, a secluded waterfall in Costa Rica I some times visit -- among other places. I've always had an affinity for the water, I'm drawn to it, not much of a swimmer (although I'm good at it), but I enjoy just being in the vicinity of the ocean or a large body of water. Thus, I dug this verse in its entirety. Even the parts that got away from me had something to offer. So props.

Whenever you get a chance hit one of my pieces. I'd be interested in hearing in your thoughts.

But, yeah, dopeness!

Peace, bro.

[big baby]

i feel as if this were a visual project, and your lyrics was the template to draw up the special effect for this particular project - that it would be more encompassing to the reader. dandelions, rolled up jeans, kaleidoscope eyes, water and cry, short snippets of direction that make up memories that the reader has passed, something more or a time lapses story over a decade, or so, maybe less. very very cool to think of it like that. good title thinking it's where you travelled alonez i think activate self hit the nail on the head with the lake michigan guess... probably somewhere near there. very cool, once again. thanks. will feed in depth later

[Witty]

One of the main reasons I still visit Netcees is to read verses from you, and maybe like 3 or 4 other people.

I'm generally done with the whole 'text' thing, but great writing is great writing, and you sir, are a great writer.

[dull boy]

Originally Posted by Witty

you sir, are a great writer.

[Pinot Grij]

Fantastic as is to be expected. I feel like there’s no place your mind can’t wander when you’re on one. Effortless, flawless, and free. Amazing to read at such a high level.

[Rude]

this was beautifully written, Self Activate pretty much summed up any kind of a break-down I could have done. i thoroughly enjoyed reading this.