Dead man: Static

[dead man]

thank you



night sky, comet cloud formation set me ablaze
starry gaze. black blanket chains to keep us centrally framed
presidential, mentor to many who accepted a change
now it's here and it was useless to continue to pray
let me lay. passion paradox as follows, true say
i'm happiest when causing you pain. it's such a shame
singularity is everything like lava and rain
pay your rent for 60 years just to inhabit a grave
touche. masquerade, we're becoming the clay
we muddied up our hands with everyday.
put on a smile and walk outside and make it okay
consider it a blessing if i make it to May
cement trails to wander through in personal time
live or die? sometime soon enough i'll learn to decide
tonight we're something different. something static, alive
tomorrow's like a thought that slipped your mind. let it ride
let it writhe. cliffside to punctuate the divide
between myself and others who commemorate rhyme
soil and tide, shifting sides, subterranean, fine
i'd kill myself this instant to spare all of your lives
open palm, pale thighs like suns refusing to shine
bring a tear to my eye. laughing while i'm watching you cry
bitter wine. lemon lime. sprite and syrup and smoke
microbial, the misanthrope in search of a host
i'm measured by how many numbers yearly i gross
but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most.
leather seats and linen sheets and butter and toast
strung out the perfect broken soul, arpeggio notes
i've never finished anything i've started from scratch
nails digging til the warmth begins to pool on my back.
relax, the villain tells the victim, then he attacks
a man against himself against the world. you do the math.



dead man

[Wise Wiggles]

Caught shivers reading this. Off the chart reality. Had to remember to breathe I was so captivated. Very real for me, this one. I'm gonna smoke a stog, spin the cane and come back to this for another read. thank you sir.

[Mutilate]

This was good, dude. coming back to finish this.

[PancakeBrah]

I liked the second half of this. Thought it really picked up from "cement trails" on. Before that point the only real stand out to me was '60 years' line. Nothing bad in the first half. Just felt different, a little less affecting than usual for some reason. Dunno. But yeah, everything after the aforementioned point was gravy.

"cement trails to wander through in personal time
live or die? sometime soon enough i'll learn to decide"

"i'd kill myself this instant to spare all of your lives
open palm, pale thighs like suns refusing to shine
bring a tear to my eye. laughing while i'm watching you cry
bitter wine. lemon lime. sprite and syrup and smoke
microbial, the misanthrope in search of a host
i'm measured by how many numbers yearly i gross
but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most."

Open palm, pale thighs line was dope. Earlier you wrote about a "passion paradox" followed with "i'm happiest when causing you pain." Combine that with the bolded lines and I recommend you tell any future love interest that you're slightly off kilter, for their sake. I think the 'sprite'/'host' lines were the peak in terms of technical skill meshing with the point of the piece. Just read really smooth (in comparison to your already high level of flow) and had some cool assonance and internals going on.

"leather seats and linen sheets and butter and toast"

You did this earlier with the sprite/syrup/smoke line. Seemed a bit of overkill. Nice little tool to use but doing two lines with it so closely together is too much of a Cormac McCarthy flashback for me.

Kudos to the use of 'arpeggio'. I try to use that word in normal, everyday conversation because I'm autistic. It's just dope.

"i've never finished anything i've started from scratch
nails digging til the warmth begins to pool on my back."

Liked this as well. Psycho.

Thanks for the read!

[Certain]

You now have used "cliffside" in nine verses since your verse titled "Cliffside." Your verses are so heavily reliant on interlocking continuity that I sometimes wonder if anyone has read enough of your verses to get all the allusions. It's pretty egotistical, too, but that's fine because you're great at this style of writing. Your rhyming was not quite at peak form here, though it got smoother as it went along. Instead, you focused on one-liners that resonated with the thematic portrait. Here's what I liked most:

Originally Posted by dead man

let me lay. passion paradox as follows, true say
i'm happiest when causing you pain. it's such a shame
singularity is everything like lava and rain
pay your rent for 60 years just to inhabit a grave
touche. masquerade, we're becoming the clay
we muddied up our hands with everyday.
put on a smile and walk outside and make it okay
consider it a blessing if i make it to May
cement trails to wander through in personal time
live or die? sometime soon enough i'll learn to decide

Originally Posted by dead man

i'm measured by how many numbers yearly i gross
but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most.

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by dead man

microbial, the misanthrope in search of a host
i'm measured by how many numbers yearly i gross
but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most.
leather seats and linen sheets and butter and toast

enjoyed this part the most

sometimes I think that a deluge of (really well-balanced)imagery creates a backing for the actual intent of the verse.

I think of a formative memory, and I feel that I often consciously recall the bits and pieces of the experience rather than its significance as a whole. Almost like we don't remember themes or greater messages, but can recall them by associating them with other tiny details that stick better

But then our interpretation of those details shift in meaning, or we glean different meanings from them as we change and our perception shifts. Like all these inanimate things and abstractions have a fluid soul of their own. From talking to people about shared experiences, people remember a lot of the same little details, though with different interpretations along a general theme


Where I'm going with this, is that in writing you can supplant many of these little sensory triggers in a verse, and with some emotional intelligence directly manipulate the connotation of your verse, give it a life beyond itself and the direct, dry implications of the words


Anyways, these "memorable" characteristics are very hard to reproduce in writing in an authentic way, and you're good at it. I admire the surreality of your descriptions at times

Keep writing

[Razah]

Dope shit. On some technical shit, this was pretty cool. But, it was kind of the simplicity that I really enjoyed. Some lines just stood out so much and they were real. I love them kind of bars, that real life, everybody should be able to relate.

pay your rent for 60 years just to inhabit a grave


consider it a blessing if i make it to May


but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most.


a man against himself against the world. you do the math.

Those were my favorite.

[Zen]

live or die? sometime soon enough i'll learn to decide
tonight we're something different. something static, alive
tomorrow's like a thought that slipped your mind. let it ride
^^This is very good.

I thought I'd fed this before? Guess not, but I know I read it when you posted it. Great work as always. Like others have said, it got better as it went along, but the only line I didn't like in the beginning was "we muddled our hands with everyday". It just didn't flow as well as everything before it and after it, but overall this was on par with everything else you've written which means it's god damn great. Keep on keeping on, Blacketh.

[Mr. J]

It's odd that I haven't had the oppurtunity to read this
but for the most part, I really did enjoy how you crafted this together
in fact I enjoy how you craft a majority of your pieces together
you have this hermit like style, that makes me want to read books and eat cake
but I realize I can't read after something like this, which makes me sad
otherwise...

bitter wine. lemon lime. sprite and syrup and smoke
microbial, the misanthrope in search of a host
i'm measured by how many numbers yearly i gross
but the times i'm most secure is when i miss you the most.
^^^^

this is dope right here..I enjoy that whole section
sometimes when I see something deep as this it makes me want to do it
but then I'm like nah, that's for you folks with your crumpets and what not
the mind is a door, and the key is to use all the potential you have
and you seem to have yours built like a barn door
dope shit breh..

[NYCSPITZ]

9/10...for ur potential 6/10