Week 1: Timeless vs. Mr. J [Mr. J wins, 7-2.]

[Adonis]

Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 2nd at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here

Goodluck

@timeless @Mr. J


Topic:

[timeless]

By the daily she sails free down the stream of my succor thoughts.
Lost and frailty steams in sizes seizing outright juggernauts.
Such a cross of the 't' complete with a red beam dot of the 'i'.
Aimed at every part of civilization deemed fathered by God.
An extremist living in a scenic, peaceful part of the world.
An atheist of sorts, making his reports alarming the girl :
They will make you their wife if you're attractive or not.
They only need your hands, not an adaptive facade.
Clocks are useless, we can tell time by the look on her face.
A tell tale sign, stop to prove she TRIES to lose all her faith.
Gradually her progression escapes, waits through all the hate.
Then patiently mistakes what she needs for rules she could break.

And there she was,
no wings to clip.
She floats above,
and whispers..... "Shit."

Happily ever after yet sadder than ever was Madelynn.
Laughing, we treasure the horse of life together, saddled in.
Imagine when you're paddling down the rivers of rock bottom.
Love blossoms when you hear sounds of scissors on your condoms.
I never even knew her before tonight, where has my head been?
That's life. Scripts of depressants had her mind wrestling.
Babbling, drunk she shouted, "Let's get high, you about it?"
I was astounded her tone grounded airlines from cloud beds.
Hairlines were found dead! Stressed and embodied with doubt.
She knew karate but found peace in the bottles she downed.
Take another drink girl, get all loose in the head quick.
Before you figure out that you're just some chick to have sex with.

[Mr. J]

Mary knows about rape and she knows about pain
she knows about the setbacks of Hope and the gain
the survival of the fittest and all the routes she should take
the fact you know this story is accountable for blame
the fact that you look at her as an object should irk you
matter of fact the idea alone is what should really hurt you
as her body rotted and the decay turns her skin purple
I would like to make you aware. your abuse is verbal
but her pain is eternal. her memory alone is proof in the lies
While you play victim looking for forgiveness a wolf in disguise
I can only tell you that this feeling is the hook & the line
the sinker. well that's a story that lives if you were looking inside
three bottles of Clorox and a bag full of surprises.
a quiet room with no clocks just a view of the lies.
the victims of brutality brought from another pedophile
children. it sickens me. I cant understand the wretched. vile
disgusting. wild. the poor lives you introduced to the depths of morgues
but even life is a serial killer and this makes me Dexter Morgan

[NYCSPITZ]

timeless didn't really get a feel of continuity in your verse, sotryline or idea wise. Some of your shit was delivered well just seemed a bit scatter brained. Mr J I thought executed a little better and had a ok, cool little spin off a tv show. SO the girl is a fake victim, one of dexter's victims too. Gotcha.

v/ Mr j

[Dove Dozer]

timeless - pretty decent verses. i though the concept wasnt really defined, so the story hit as hard as it couldve. it was good, just lacked a bit imo. flow was pretty solid.

Mr. J - i like what you did here. story was pretty good, rhymin on the other hand wasnt super strong. however you wrote a good story, and had some nice lines.

this battle is interesting to me because timeless had a nice flow, and vocab. while Mr J brought a stronger story.

gotta go with J on this

V/ Mr J

[theMuzzl3]

timeless:

I think the creativity was good. The structure was good. The content I had questioned, but its an artist's viewpoint, interpreting the picture. I respect that.

My favorite lines were:

Originally Posted by timeless

Gradually her progression escapes, waits through all the hate.
Then patiently mistakes what she needs for rules she could break.

And there she was,
no wings to clip.
She floats above,
and whispers..... "Shit."

Happily ever after yet sadder than ever was Madelynn.
Laughing, we treasure the horse of life together, saddled in.

I loved how you refered to Madelynn.

It seemed you went astray a few times and came back to the point. I didn't particularly like the last line, and felt that some lines were kind of forced to fit within the structure and storyline.

(Not docking points due to grammatical errors as this is poetry & AOWL). Not dissing your linguistics, I had to look up a few words; but as far as grammatical errors/suggestions for fixes: "succor" is either a verb or noun, didn't fit grammatically into that sentence. It could have been "succoring". Also, "Lost" should have been "Loss". I'm going to stop here on suggestions of correcting grammar, because they obviously don't matter that much.

Over all, I give this a 7/10… based on creativity and structure. Grammar would have dropped it lower.




Mr. J

Your lines were very creative and direct. Fairly well constructed, as well. The last few lines kind of lost me (as far as relating to the picture at all -- even metaphorically speaking), but the last line that referred to Dexter was a good last line to tie that together. I don't know how that tied the storyline about Mary, though.

Not sure what the line about looking inside bottles of Clorox and a bag full of surprises implied.

Constructive criticism: using "the fact" to start to lines in a row isn't ideal IMO. Stick with one storyline and if you stray from it, bring it back to the subject that you first were implying. Of course, its all open to interpretation, so I could be completely wrong.

Grammar: (comma in between "forgiveness, and a wolf".

Over all: 7.5/10


/v Mr._J

[Certain]

timeless: You could really do yourself well to smooth out some of your phrasing and make sure you have the right words. In the very first line, it should have been "On" instead of "By" and I'm not sure "succor" is the word you're looking for. The first stanza lacked clarity, particularly in the first few lines. That disorientation can be difficult to recover from, but when you hit the couplet beginning with "They will," you hit a bit of a stride. The third stanza was much better than the first, though. You had a cogent point and made it, even with a few stumbling passages. And you did so without sacrificing your cadence (though perhaps your rhymes weren't at full force, which is a good thing for the most part). I didn't like that you had the awkward "horse of life" turn of phrase when "life's ride" would have been more natural and segued into the next line much, much better. Mixing metaphors is tricky work. I tend to prefer your writing when you strip back a little bit and let me in rather than trying to wow with mechanics. This was a solid effort by the end, but I honestly didn't connect with the beginning any more after a couple reads.

Mr. J: This verse, like your better verses, was a head-on attack of your approach to the topic. You didn't dally around the point at all and hit some very emotional points quickly and effectively. But there were some misses in how you developed the particulars of the story. Mary's background was central yet never fleshed out fully. I liked the directive toward the reader quite a bit, but it might have been more effective emotional hook had you developed the story more. I liked the rhymes up until you used "lies" a second time, though I don't think of that as a cardinal sin like some. This was a solid verse through and through. Welcome back.

Vote: Mr. J

[YDK]

Timeless I thought you have improved a ton especially rhyme scheme wise since the first pieces I remember reading from you. The wording issues seem to be your biggest challenge as is mine, but you have improved there also, this piece was cool. There seemed to be an attempt at a story at first then kinda went into a rant then it ended talking to a girl. It needed more glue to put everything together because individually the lines were cool but seemed too unorganized for a fluid piece.
J you had a cool piece too. I was a lil thrown off when I read the pedofile line but after the reveal line and a second read I saw the revenge aspect an it made it a stronger piece. Flow was smooth as usual, just a solid drop.
Good job fellas strong battle here but I gotta go with Mr j this week for my vote

[kannon]

Timeless. I'm no stranger to slant rhymes. I'm used to writing for audio, so I can always bend my words if I need to. But I see no way to make "I" rhyme with "God." I felt like this was a little scatter-brained. It just kinda lacked a bit of cohesion. Also, some of the phrasing seemed a bit forced. It seemed as though you were referencing a succubus of sorts, but in the end it seems to be just a drunk floozy. Um, I mean, overall, I kinda don't know what really was accomplished in this piece. I had a hard time working out what perspective the story was being told from. In the first stanza, it seemed to all be in third person with all the She's and They's, but then towards the end there were lots of I's and You's. But mainly, I don't know that much was developed here. I didn't feel connected to anything while I read it, which kinda left the piece feeling a bit empty in the end.

Mr. J. Immediately, I like the flow. "accountable for blame" sounds a bit weird though. I also kind of don't like that you keep saying "YOU" as if you're talking to the reader. The whole thing sounds like you are literally accusing me of raping a small child. Which I don't appreciate. The rhymes seemed a bit basic in places, but overall, the message was delivered pretty clear. Until the last bar; the last bar doesn't make much sense to me. Life is a serial killer, so you're gonna kill life? Overall, it could definitely use some polishing, but considering the verse you were up against, the completeness of your verse will put you with a leg up.

Vote is for Mr. J

[Pent uP]

Timeless - decent effort..I felt the verse wasnt very focused on. There were a few moments of clarity here bbut I think the story style needs to be refined. I think you should focus on being a bit more straightforward and mastering the craft.

Mr j -- blah character summary based on pop character. Not a huge fan of these at all. Nothing here was special or popped for attention. I ccouldnt really get into it because of the content matter

Vote timeless

[Frank]

Vote - Timeless

Close call l, I had to read and reread material I was not particularly fond of to come to thiz decision. What it basically boiled down to for me was tbe Dexter Morgan angle, found that to be a tad bit corny.

[Defiant]

Timeless

Wasn't keen of the verse half of the verse, some of the rhyming was weak and the verse didn't really connect, the second half was dope tho IMO, sound of condoms splitting to the end I liked it.


Mr j

I didn't really like the way you went with this, it started nice, I didn't mind the twist but the verse all together was better. It was more of complete verse



The second half to timeless verse was the best thing in this battle but I think mr j gets for being decent throughout, not just getting started half way through



Vote - mr j

[King Ra.]

Mr. J wins, 7-2.