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Old 06-16-2013, 03:08 PM   #1
Witty
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Default The Post-Apocalyptic Struggle

The Post-Apocalyptic Struggle



Disaster is the taste of the day, the world's wasting away
Corpses lay faceless, decayed...just the vultures and ravens remain
The hunters lay claim to their reign, sculptors of a frameless domain
Noone short of Satan could be saved from the flames
Demons soar with ease above the stormy seas
Immortal beasts here to torture, contort and freeze
Earth's core until she lays dormant ever more...deceased.

Our home lays convulsing in agony as a result of this travesty
Her exultance and majesty destroyed amongst the brutality
But deep in her soul something is happening
There's a force tunneling, travelling
Night has the right of way, but she fights for the light of day
And though most of her kids died, one tribe kept the knife at bay
Each and every night they fight to keep the fright contained
A heavy price to pay for survival where the Lions prey
They're Earth's last roll of the dice...Her final play

The angry clouds in the gray sky gather over the village
Spillage of blood overflows on the roads, a sobering image
But the soldiers fight to the death hoping the demons will leave
Men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe
They struggle because humanity failed, we lost connection
Tossed perfection aside, betrayed the earth and caused infection
We sought direction, tried to better life but just made it worse
We stripped it naked and raped it, then made it cursed
She lost the will to live, so then the demons invaded
Leaving her beaten, degraded...weeping, deflated
She asks for peace when she prays...
Or to at least be sedated
An Aboriginal tribe the only kid by her side, refusing to quit
Denying Lucifer's pit, determined not to loosen their grip
As demons close in, their might increases and grows
The people try to resist, but they're weak and exposed
Humanity weeps as the scarlet sky glows deep as a rose
Demons impose upon the last remaining men, castigating them
Raining disaster, rabid hate and laugh as they condemn
The beaten warriors fall to the ground, and pray to her soul
Tears create nutrition to awaken her, making her whole
As man and Earth reunite to fight the demons and beasts
The glow courses through the soldiers, as evil retreats
Blue skies break free, the gloom dies in the day's glee
Her smile is great, she's eating and breathing at last
She was always there to help us, we just needed to ask
It only took a tear, and now the World's First War's won
And man can finally reclaim the role of Earth's first born Son.
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Last edited by Witty; 06-09-2015 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 06-16-2013, 03:57 PM   #2
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This was a strong piece technically and the imagery really worked. That first verse was really strong in terms of rhyme structure and set the feel an tone for the piece well. Felt the second dipped slightly in terms
Of content/descriptive imagery for me but kept it rolling and engaging through some nice rhyme schemes and the final verse while lesser for me in terms
Of technicality it really gave the whole setting you had created to this point some nice chunky content. Nice close to tie it off an certainly some good thought provoking undertones.

Nice drop pal you could tell this has been well polished
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Old 06-16-2013, 04:01 PM   #3
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Word this was pretty cool..

the story it told was dope, and the writing was nice as well...
nice use of verbs 'tunneling,traveling'
wordchoice was pretty dope, maybe a few more adj's for imagery sake...but then again u have an image already...so the verbs bring it to life.
scheme wise it worked, sometimes seeming at risk of becoming 'sing-songy' but then u would change up ur placement of internals and it would totally save it...without sacraficing flow...ur ability to manipulate that scheming was prolly the highlight to me..bc it allowed it to flow cohesively, tell ur story and avoid getting stale.
u depict the picture nicely, and did well with the topic...
overall i enjoyed this.
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Old 05-24-2015, 10:40 PM   #4
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This didn't get enough feed lol UP!
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Old 05-25-2015, 12:23 AM   #5
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This was dope. Flowed effortlessly throughout almost all of it and the rhyme schemes were on point and never seemed dull. The imagery was great. As a reader, it was easy to get immersed in your description of the world and all its sorrow. Great piece.
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Old 05-25-2015, 04:06 PM   #6
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This was pretty dope if you ask me.

The closer wrapped it up beautifully for me.

Quote:
Noone short of Satan could be saved from the flames
That stood out to me for some reason.

This is probably the first verse I read on this website, that I feel can actually be rapped. For that alone, that makes it dope to me. The rhyme scheme, the internals, the word selection, the wording. everything was on point. Real good solid drop.
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Old 05-26-2015, 09:22 AM   #7
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this was an interesting piece...when was this done is my question
although I consider myself to be quite up to date in my OM I'm surprised I missed this
must have been during the great hiatus, quite an interesting piece though
the descriptions alone draw the reader in and you introduce your intricate vocab
as I was reading this I was immersed in your imagery and it tickled my fancy
the two verses clash together nicely, and the image helps build the foundation
it's been awhile since I seen a 'Witty' piece that made me stop and read
well...it is the feeding..



carry on..nice work
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Old 05-27-2015, 04:30 PM   #8
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Love the first stanza, well executed. First two sentences in the second stanza is not as strong as the previous verse rhyming-wise imo but still follows a solid storyline. I like the playful rhyming/structure in ''something is happening/tunneling,travelling'', it sounds good and it makes me happy to read it while taking in what's actually going on in the verse which is anything but happy. Dope execution from there on out as well.

Love the introducing couplet to the last verse. Also liked the ''men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe''-line. And you got some crazy imagery and tone setting throughout as the battle of everything take place.
You portrayed some seriously dope storytelling in this one, always a pleasure reading your pieces Witty, stay up.
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Old 06-09-2015, 07:21 PM   #9
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Thanks bros, just realised I spelled Apocalyptic wrong lol I am ashamed, must have been high :/
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