06-16-2013, 03:08 PM | #1 |
Lime Life
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,784
Battle Record: 30-41
Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded
Champed - Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic
Rep Power: 82986458 |
The Post-Apocalyptic Struggle
The Post-Apocalyptic Struggle
Disaster is the taste of the day, the world's wasting away Corpses lay faceless, decayed...just the vultures and ravens remain The hunters lay claim to their reign, sculptors of a frameless domain Noone short of Satan could be saved from the flames Demons soar with ease above the stormy seas Immortal beasts here to torture, contort and freeze Earth's core until she lays dormant ever more...deceased. Our home lays convulsing in agony as a result of this travesty Her exultance and majesty destroyed amongst the brutality But deep in her soul something is happening There's a force tunneling, travelling Night has the right of way, but she fights for the light of day And though most of her kids died, one tribe kept the knife at bay Each and every night they fight to keep the fright contained A heavy price to pay for survival where the Lions prey They're Earth's last roll of the dice...Her final play The angry clouds in the gray sky gather over the village Spillage of blood overflows on the roads, a sobering image But the soldiers fight to the death hoping the demons will leave Men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe They struggle because humanity failed, we lost connection Tossed perfection aside, betrayed the earth and caused infection We sought direction, tried to better life but just made it worse We stripped it naked and raped it, then made it cursed She lost the will to live, so then the demons invaded Leaving her beaten, degraded...weeping, deflated She asks for peace when she prays... Or to at least be sedated An Aboriginal tribe the only kid by her side, refusing to quit Denying Lucifer's pit, determined not to loosen their grip As demons close in, their might increases and grows The people try to resist, but they're weak and exposed Humanity weeps as the scarlet sky glows deep as a rose Demons impose upon the last remaining men, castigating them Raining disaster, rabid hate and laugh as they condemn The beaten warriors fall to the ground, and pray to her soul Tears create nutrition to awaken her, making her whole As man and Earth reunite to fight the demons and beasts The glow courses through the soldiers, as evil retreats Blue skies break free, the gloom dies in the day's glee Her smile is great, she's eating and breathing at last She was always there to help us, we just needed to ask It only took a tear, and now the World's First War's won And man can finally reclaim the role of Earth's first born Son.
__________________
He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. Last edited by Witty; 06-09-2015 at 07:20 PM. |
06-16-2013, 03:57 PM | #2 |
Upset Champion
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Mids
Posts: 3,861
Battle Record: 57-49
Accomplishments - 50 Wins
Champed - BA Rookie Tourney
- 1-2 Punch League (x2)
- Pandemonium Cypher
- 1-2 Punch league Season 9
Rep Power: 24894577 |
This was a strong piece technically and the imagery really worked. That first verse was really strong in terms of rhyme structure and set the feel an tone for the piece well. Felt the second dipped slightly in terms
Of content/descriptive imagery for me but kept it rolling and engaging through some nice rhyme schemes and the final verse while lesser for me in terms Of technicality it really gave the whole setting you had created to this point some nice chunky content. Nice close to tie it off an certainly some good thought provoking undertones. Nice drop pal you could tell this has been well polished |
06-16-2013, 04:01 PM | #3 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
Word this was pretty cool..
the story it told was dope, and the writing was nice as well... nice use of verbs 'tunneling,traveling' wordchoice was pretty dope, maybe a few more adj's for imagery sake...but then again u have an image already...so the verbs bring it to life. scheme wise it worked, sometimes seeming at risk of becoming 'sing-songy' but then u would change up ur placement of internals and it would totally save it...without sacraficing flow...ur ability to manipulate that scheming was prolly the highlight to me..bc it allowed it to flow cohesively, tell ur story and avoid getting stale. u depict the picture nicely, and did well with the topic... overall i enjoyed this. |
05-24-2015, 10:40 PM | #4 |
Lime Life
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,784
Battle Record: 30-41
Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded
Champed - Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic
Rep Power: 82986458 |
This didn't get enough feed lol UP!
__________________
He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
05-25-2015, 12:23 AM | #5 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,509
Battle Record: 51-29
Champed - Newbie Tourney VII
- Netcees Battle League
Rep Power: 20137905 |
This was dope. Flowed effortlessly throughout almost all of it and the rhyme schemes were on point and never seemed dull. The imagery was great. As a reader, it was easy to get immersed in your description of the world and all its sorrow. Great piece.
|
05-25-2015, 04:06 PM | #6 | |
rockkFresh
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 11328542 |
This was pretty dope if you ask me.
The closer wrapped it up beautifully for me. Quote:
This is probably the first verse I read on this website, that I feel can actually be rapped. For that alone, that makes it dope to me. The rhyme scheme, the internals, the word selection, the wording. everything was on point. Real good solid drop. |
|
05-26-2015, 09:22 AM | #7 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,016
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349678 |
this was an interesting piece...when was this done is my question
although I consider myself to be quite up to date in my OM I'm surprised I missed this must have been during the great hiatus, quite an interesting piece though the descriptions alone draw the reader in and you introduce your intricate vocab as I was reading this I was immersed in your imagery and it tickled my fancy the two verses clash together nicely, and the image helps build the foundation it's been awhile since I seen a 'Witty' piece that made me stop and read well...it is the feeding.. carry on..nice work
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
05-27-2015, 04:30 PM | #8 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,783
Battle Record: 17-32
Rep Power: 52474189 |
Love the first stanza, well executed. First two sentences in the second stanza is not as strong as the previous verse rhyming-wise imo but still follows a solid storyline. I like the playful rhyming/structure in ''something is happening/tunneling,travelling'', it sounds good and it makes me happy to read it while taking in what's actually going on in the verse which is anything but happy. Dope execution from there on out as well.
Love the introducing couplet to the last verse. Also liked the ''men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe''-line. And you got some crazy imagery and tone setting throughout as the battle of everything take place. You portrayed some seriously dope storytelling in this one, always a pleasure reading your pieces Witty, stay up.
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
06-09-2015, 07:21 PM | #9 |
Lime Life
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,784
Battle Record: 30-41
Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded
Champed - Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic
Rep Power: 82986458 |
Thanks bros, just realised I spelled Apocalyptic wrong lol I am ashamed, must have been high :/
__________________
He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|