Battler.

[BR Joe]

If a pen on paper is honin wordsmith weaponry,
Then I'm a ronin throwin slashes on page, start dead reckoning;
Death's been beckoning, calling like time to collect my soul,
Since hourglass sand's stopped falling, hells bells have not ceased to toll;
My spirit won't ever hear it, old heart beats to it's own drum,
I seared a path clear up to here where I came from. Tell them,
Don't go place claims on my name, not for depths nor Nirvana
There's no sleep for the wicked, so I'll rest when I wanna;
I ask, why worry your head about when warrior's dead,
If alive you dread being bled, think: 'what do I fear more?' instead:
Corporeal sticks and stones, which cut flesh and break bones? That or,
Surreal plasma blast that trash thoughts to ash? Ha, now what's the matter?
I threaten all fronts but don't think to attack from the rear,
Beasts stay on the hunt for runts and will sense when one is near.
A versed hearse, all I'm spilling is red on lined battlegrounds,
My bloodthirst for killing is fed on hearing death rattle sounds.


http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...ull=1#post4161
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...ull=1#post4170

[Geno]

Ok.

Yyou have some cool concepts floating around. I think you need most of your work on A: pulling the idea together a little better for more impact, and B: catching more of a flow/rhyme schem in your lines

Seems like this piece is getting slept on. I see you dropped links as well. Cudos for that.. its appreciated. Hopefully this ill catch some feed and people will stop sleeping. Stay active though. The more you show yourself the more people will get a feel for you and reply to your shit

[dead man]

Corporeal sticks and stones, which cut flesh and break bones? That or,
Surreal plasma blast that trash thoughts to ash? Ha, now what's the matter?

other than the use of 'corporeal', i could definitely hear a trace of method man in this line. i mean, i read that shit in his voice. idk why. especially the 'ha, now whats the matter?'. this is why that was dope to me.

Don't go place claims on my name, not for depths nor Nirvana
There's no sleep for the wicked, so I'll rest when I wanna;

chill.

this was cool overall, i appreciated the wandering warrior type of vibe. you were compressing a lot into a bit of rather sloppy idea development. also, this read like something a bit too familiar for my taste.. i think you could use some more personality in your writing but this was not un-readable by any means.. respect

thanks man

[BR Joe]

Appreciate the feed genocide. This is one of my first attempts trying to apply all the feedback I had been getting about my drops back on NC.

Dead man, thanks for the thoughts. My only goal on this drop was getting across the wandering swordsman type feel so that's reassurance I hit the mark I was aiming for. I feel ya on the compression. I probably could've done more if I had more bars to elaborate.

[Zen]

I felt that the flow was very choppy in some places but besides that a pretty good piece. I checked out a few of your drops on nc before it crashed and I see that you've actually grown allot since then so props on that Joe. I loved the concept but as Geno and Deadman all ready mentioned it feels a little too short and condensed. Try elaborating on it a little more and get a clearer picture with it and I feel like this would be a dope ass drop holmes.

[BR Joe]

Appreciate the feed Zen.