=(

[Mc Hype]

He's alone he's sick , He's been smoking spliffs
While his heart lays on the ground, in broken bits
And although he's pissed, He knows that he won't be missed
She had to make a choice, and she chose to split
This is the hopelessness, of a hopeless kid
Who know that this, is over with but he won't give in,
He's frozen stiff, But he stands and he holds his fist
The cold persists, but it's his soul that won't just quit
He's closed within, the home where it all begins
Where all his sins, have gone, cos they've broken in
He's hopin it's, about time, she notices,
That he's alone in hell, and she's his only hope to live.



http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=44737 not sure if we're suppose to throw links out on commenting on other writers pieces, but I did just in case here's the link.

[Lars]

Word.

You remind me of a CopyPat junior, good to see you flexing and carrying on the same scheme throughout, this reminded me of Em's "Rabbit Run" for some reason and I had that kind of flow in mind while I was reading.

Good stuff.

Keep that pen moving!

[Wise Wiggles]

^ not enough syllables for a CP jr.

[Exis]

Some of the commas seem misplaced...when I didn't look at them and just read it shit flowed ill, and like Lars said you kept the same scheme which was tight as Ima scheme lover...pretty nice flex man, stay around and show us what you can really do.

Stay uppity.

[Scripter]

I thought it sounded good but removing the commas is a good idea.