im jus asking, im jus asking...all first verse, all first verse!!

Camp Bell · 01-23-2013, 02:51 PM

i dropped this on netcees but it couldnt get any views cuz of the crash, so...

My cockiness could kill two birds with one stone
..."you hot wit it" "dog this raw and its dope"...
im in hobby mode, probly choked on maui smoke
snotty nose with noxious notes, no doctor tho
omni glow, beyond the globe after ghandi quotes
aww shit, i've lost it, have you seen how i flow?..
im meeting illuminati on the sea of abu dhabi broke
you copy, drones?, been on my own since a fetus
its costly to open doors for sloppy dome receiving
lost kids, repeating falseness to even brawling losses
but who got these clones critiquing awesome raw shit?
some things you just leave to let the bosses solve it
pardon the sneeze and coughs im coffin with no pills
ya carcass? chalked in the middle of the street often
soft as the dog dish in korean meal auctions, roadkill
im basking in the cool of summer for my own thrills
racking foolish numbers, running up the phone bill
its a dangerous converse in my chamber of commerce
im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs
but i just wanna flood the block wit bricks, fuck the politics
drunk off alot of liq, pot to twist, im playing wit yall herbs
believe it or not, keyed on the spot, engraved all this verse

Zen · 01-23-2013, 04:42 PM

Nice man. This shit flowed nicely throughout some of the multis were forced but besides that I'd say a tight drop.

its a dangerous converse in my chamber of commerce
im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs
but i just wanna flood the block wit bricks, fuck the politics
drunk off alot of liq, pot to twist, im playing wit yall herbs
believe it or not, keyed on the spot, engraved all this verse
^^loved that shit

Nice · 01-23-2013, 05:49 PM

This was pretty dope, kinda scattered in content but i see you trying some new thing.. I think if u just spend a little more time on word choice you will improve a great deal. Say for instance when u said " aww shit, i've lost it, have you seen how i flow?.." the word how sound really harsh there. I would have used the word "the" its basically only there for syllable count anyways but the word the is more invisible then how if u understand what im trying to say. Same with this line.. im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs you could completely abolish the word "my" and it would still make sense and sound better. Anyways i hope i didnt come off as pretencious its just some honest crit to help u improve.. For the most part i was diggin this. Theae few things will just help u get more polished. Stay up

Camp Bell · 01-23-2013, 06:40 PM

@Nice

No doubt fam, I definitely get what you saying
actually didn't realize it until now but you right tho
I'm not a dick head either, I welcome all critiquing
Thanks fam
@ZenLand

Thanks for checking me out!

BR Joe · 01-24-2013, 07:59 PM

you copy, drones?, been on my own since a fetus
its costly to open doors for sloppy dome receiving
lost kids, repeating falseness to even brawling losses
but who got these clones critiquing awesome raw shit?
some things you just leave to let the bosses solve it

my favorite lines^

I thought it was scattered like nice said. it seemed like a fun piece but it was erratic. would like to see heavier diction.

01-23-2013, 02:51 PM	#1
Camp Bell Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 733 Battle Record: 10-18 Rep Power: 0	im jus asking, im jus asking...all first verse, all first verse!! i dropped this on netcees but it couldnt get any views cuz of the crash, so... My cockiness could kill two birds with one stone ..."you hot wit it" "dog this raw and its dope"... im in hobby mode, probly choked on maui smoke snotty nose with noxious notes, no doctor tho omni glow, beyond the globe after ghandi quotes aww shit, i've lost it, have you seen how i flow?.. im meeting illuminati on the sea of abu dhabi broke you copy, drones?, been on my own since a fetus its costly to open doors for sloppy dome receiving lost kids, repeating falseness to even brawling losses but who got these clones critiquing awesome raw shit? some things you just leave to let the bosses solve it pardon the sneeze and coughs im coffin with no pills ya carcass? chalked in the middle of the street often soft as the dog dish in korean meal auctions, roadkill im basking in the cool of summer for my own thrills racking foolish numbers, running up the phone bill its a dangerous converse in my chamber of commerce im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs but i just wanna flood the block wit bricks, fuck the politics drunk off alot of liq, pot to twist, im playing wit yall herbs believe it or not, keyed on the spot, engraved all this verse __________________ get high. write rhymes.

01-23-2013, 06:40 PM	#4
Camp Bell Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 733 Battle Record: 10-18 Rep Power: 0	@Nice No doubt fam, I definitely get what you saying actually didn't realize it until now but you right tho I'm not a dick head either, I welcome all critiquing Thanks fam @ZenLand Thanks for checking me out! __________________ get high. write rhymes.

01-23-2013, 04:42 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Nice man. This shit flowed nicely throughout some of the multis were forced but besides that I'd say a tight drop. its a dangerous converse in my chamber of commerce im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs but i just wanna flood the block wit bricks, fuck the politics drunk off alot of liq, pot to twist, im playing wit yall herbs believe it or not, keyed on the spot, engraved all this verse ^^loved that shit

01-23-2013, 05:49 PM	#3
Nice Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 93 Rep Power: 0	This was pretty dope, kinda scattered in content but i see you trying some new thing.. I think if u just spend a little more time on word choice you will improve a great deal. Say for instance when u said " aww shit, i've lost it, have you seen how i flow?.." the word how sound really harsh there. I would have used the word "the" its basically only there for syllable count anyways but the word the is more invisible then how if u understand what im trying to say. Same with this line.. im greatly honored to display my ponders of raging proverbs you could completely abolish the word "my" and it would still make sense and sound better. Anyways i hope i didnt come off as pretencious its just some honest crit to help u improve.. For the most part i was diggin this. Theae few things will just help u get more polished. Stay up

01-24-2013, 07:59 PM	#5
BR Joe Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 7 Rep Power: 35	you copy, drones?, been on my own since a fetus its costly to open doors for sloppy dome receiving lost kids, repeating falseness to even brawling losses but who got these clones critiquing awesome raw shit? some things you just leave to let the bosses solve it my favorite lines^ I thought it was scattered like nice said. it seemed like a fun piece but it was erratic. would like to see heavier diction.