12-14-2013, 10:11 AM | #1 |
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monika,
you said photographs were the purest art-
to capture untethered human emotive conviction, and showed me restaurant scenes- 'open incisions'- The photographer, ensconced in oceans of pixels, is the purity seeked. Motion is fixed for his or her Copernican leap. But the viewer's de jure devotion is decomposure of scene- what don't you see on display in this quieting view? Seventh-year figure, whitening jeans at the fray, Hermione shoes. swirling the dregs of her tea without divining the truth. Visine induced. Nikon on strap, unprepared, cornered in booth- Watson the satellite, saddened by bygones, a tile-worn emeritus sleuth. I sensed the forensics just drip. Gushing arrogant clues. I caught our summer mosaic in the reflection's affair... The glassy tablet a megaphone. Rosetta Stone Air. twenty characters to echo- rote silken robe for networking flairs. captioning stalactites to adjective life- its amenities bare, translating pictures to blurbs with maddening slight- cuz I was the distraction of night. Lyrical labyrinth type. thematics would strike, in your lab, the photogenician at ease. you would listen to soul, ab initio, negatives afloat in an infrared bleed she joked I was haunted by ghosts. American slew. Engorged in oblivion. Kerouac. Whitman. Bloo Q. Kazoo. Morrison's indian. Cobain, sky a typeset cobaltic, cloud-cover stardust in bloom, reining in acidic cathodics, Sitting cathartic. Carcinogen fumes we could puff. Aware that my tonal grasp was approximately, too not enough. Shifty and grayscale. Prolix, olden hat since... daguerreotypes, dude. The finer points she filtered. White noises, polarized, pilfered. Consumed like a slanted haiku, encoded tags coined to animamatrix. Slowclap goodbye. Reunions are prone to standing room only ovations. Paging old hand-framed photographs. Her descriptions still empty, and I am not convinced of anything... Pacing past the columned oak, her frozen lashes unblinking- and I've got my smile flash closed, as I failed to fashion a greeting- I've got a picture in mind of you grasping at speech, and I dont know what I'm thinking
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http://split8.yolasite.com Last edited by Split; 12-14-2013 at 10:13 AM. |
12-14-2013, 11:42 AM | #2 |
nok Su kow
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wooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
12-14-2013, 12:40 PM | #3 |
SOBER
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You've really started to dial in your style, or you at least took your time with piece. You still had the deeper vocabulary but it was a bit more restrained and effectively used. Sharpened. Earnest and reflective with top notch execution. I enjoyed it in bunches. The was one, maybe two, spots that got a bit too verbose for the flow you had going when I read it out loud but that's about my only complaint. Read it a few times, good shit.
"cloud-cover stardust in bloom, reining in acidic cathodics, Sitting cathartic. Carcinogen fumes we could puff. Aware that my tonal grasp was approximately, too not enough." Great wording. "Seventh-year figure, whitening jeans at the fray, Hermione shoes. swirling the dregs of her tea without divining the truth. Visine induced. Nikon on strap, unprepared, cornered in booth- Watson the satellite, saddened by bygones, a tile-worn emeritus sleuth." Particularly enjoyed the divining the truth-visine induced back to back rhyme. Hard to do well without being choppy but you did it well. You did it in a couple other spots as well with similar aplomb. "Pacing past the columned oak, her frozen lashes unblinking- and I've got my smile flash closed, as I failed to fashion a greeting- I've got a picture in mind of you grasping at speech, and I dont know what I'm thinking" Great ending. Drop more pieces.
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
12-14-2013, 04:46 PM | #4 |
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This was a very Split Eight verse. I didn't like most of the first half. It was too fractured and clustered and didn't seem completely in place or at all attempting to connect with the audience. I've read every Harry Potter book twice and have no idea what "Hermione shoes" means. I'm very familiar with John Watson but don't know how his name could be used as a verb. Does "whitening jeans at the fray" mean the jeans are light around the fray or does it mean someone is actually whitening the jeans, as it's written?
The second half, where you shifted to focusing on the relationship between our two characters and used photograph as a thread to tie together your fragments, was much better. It was no less abstract or fragmented or Split Eight-y, but it felt more part of a whole and more carefully worded. The last two lines were a bit more on the nose than the rest of the verse, but I liked that.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
12-18-2013, 07:25 PM | #5 |
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&:-|
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12-18-2013, 10:41 PM | #6 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
certain: basically i hate you when you're you and like you when you're like everybody else blah blah bahl keep dropping
me: Dope, great. Whatever you do, is you. Whether it be someone elses property of work, or your 'own' novelty. This was good. I like Split 8 |
12-18-2013, 10:41 PM | #7 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
Would like you to fool around with some accentual wording.
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12-19-2013, 11:45 AM | #8 |
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thanx Certain
bb what kind of accents?
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12-19-2013, 12:20 PM | #9 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
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Posts: 12,072
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12-19-2013, 02:53 PM | #10 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
lol you called me bb. :-*
I don't know, I feel sometimes it's too structured in a way of enunciation. My breath control feels stagnant. |
12-20-2013, 09:36 PM | #11 |
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Uve gotten better.....
More coherent from when i remember reading u in the NWL By more coherent i mean......im not as smart as u....so when u say a bunch if big words back ti back its hard for me to follow......but if u spread them out i can follow by context.....whether im getting smarter (not likely) or ur just learning to play to ur audience a bit better without selling out urself short...this is keagues better then i remember u being.....scheme wise too id say uve definitely elevated. I dont fuck w the subject matter or tone tho. But mechanically this is good. |
12-21-2013, 03:46 AM | #12 |
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thx bags. I usually sit down to write and think "Im not gonna write like a bitch today" and then do that. Ill flex or something to break it up idk
i know what youre saying, i will try to mix it up. i fall into patterns.
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12-21-2013, 03:53 AM | #13 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
12-21-2013, 04:05 AM | #14 | |
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Quote:
all that piece needed was some more line breaks. I thought that piece was super sxc and also metaphorically sound. but maybe not as much as Hide&Seek (it was about Shadow of the Colossus and attached themes srs) if you really wanna cringe at newbie writing, open up my archives.... which i refuse to prune to make myself seem like a good writer EDIT: i freepost like a motherfucker. brb feeding people
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12-21-2013, 03:57 PM | #15 |
Bam
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Can't feed this right now, but I'm digging it. Fuck yeah
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01-03-2014, 04:47 AM | #16 | ||||||
Om
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Quote:
This must be split eight. Wonderful. I love splitilydiddily. Open incisions was good man. So was oceans of pixels. I love that type of imagery shit. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
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01-17-2014, 12:34 AM | #17 |
............
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Chea this was fuckin' good man...I thought I fed this and yeah, cocaine is a hell of a drug lol, I remember readin' it though..but whichever what way it's my loss for not gettin' at this sooner.There was a joint you did with Wise a while back (before netcees couldn't afford to have the dot com at the end of the addy) that I wasn't feelin', well haven't times changed...it's like you've really come into your own now, discovered your ability and dropped a bomb on us with this, your wordin' has really improved...not sayin' it was shit but sometimes your word usage had me scratchin' my head alot thinkin' am I missin' sumthin' or am I that dense to understand it...this is an impressive write up my friend and you've come leaps and bounds like Certain said, your one of my favourites to read now and I encourage you to submit way more than you do fa real...you have an unusual/awkward style which is very original and when you let shit rip it turns out extremely dope Split.
Here's what I liked, you said photographs were the purest art- to capture untethered human emotive conviction, and showed me restaurant scenes- 'open incisions'- The photographer, ensconced in oceans of pixels, is the purity seeked. Motion is fixed for his or her Copernican leap. But the viewer's de jure devotion is decomposure of scene- ^^Great imagery. The glassy tablet a megaphone. Rosetta Stone Air. twenty characters to echo- rote silken robe for networking flairs. captioning stalactites to adjective life- its amenities bare, translating pictures to blurbs with maddening slight- ^^Dope. she joked I was haunted by ghosts. American slew. Engorged in oblivion. Kerouac. Whitman. Bloo Q. Kazoo. Morrison's indian. Cobain, sky a typeset cobaltic, cloud-cover stardust in bloom, reining in acidic cathodics, Sitting cathartic. Carcinogen fumes we could puff. Aware that my tonal grasp was approximately, too not enough. ^^Tightness. Thought you closed it out brilliantly also, loved it...loved the whole thing fam. Stay upwards. |
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