discourse and conjunction

[dead man]

yo



contour a recollection. trace a border between
war and serene. river gorges and streams, endorphins and dreams
let the world disagree once their madness corrupts
speakers amplified to tell us we're not happy enough
advertisement, adversarial, i've cancelled the plug
ate a box of nails for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch
addicted to the disarray. my habit is dust
mouth breathing heavy after sweeping it up
media frequency jump impermanent like passionate lust
his thoughts darkening. moving towards the back of the bus
vampire sluts and servitude. the power is near
the hour is nigh, our Auschwitz appears as towers and tiers
suits and a tie, cowards in line to order a beer
Orwellian the telephones. unimportant careers
louder than clear, static megaphones in velvet apartments
metal in your cerebellum, lead in your carcass
deadman, enters to harness your repression and darkness
write your pain, let it resonate, then measure respondents
veritas plus barry bonds plus whatchamacallit
bat shit crazy. strangely there's this sudden catharsis
i've felt for the beach. fields and open spaces sunny and blue
but romanticizing nature doesn't cut it for you
sat by and smoked her cyanide. huffing her glue
then hummed myself a tune til our discussion was through
saw her clearest on a stormy night. the 2nd of June
a thunderbolt's growl behind affectioning croons
scratched a scab open. sang the leprosy blues
colliding in your Camry. our vehicular muse.
midnight mascara and rouge. cocaine whiskey and wine
salt and pepper - cloth and leather - lemon and lime
ambient shine. pupils dilate. now it's Ambien time
beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine
pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend
into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement
no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death.



- Edd Anam

[NYCSPITZ]

9.5/10

[NYCSPITZ]

yo imma break this down later but you're a baller dawg. Up @ 5 due to aero's work ethic thread.

[Natural]

Yeah. You have a wide vocabulary or like to appear to have one. Perhaps you love rhyming dictionarys...perhaps you hate them(or want to appear to hate them).
You have a fan base on netcees....which is probably because you can actually write well..
But I think you use that to your advantage and are able to put together these sporadic pieces and still get props for it(when most ppl wouldn't).
Somehow your stature on netcees gets you a free to do whatever you want pass...
And I'm not a huge fan of it because there is plenty of writers that I've seem write at your level and beyond and not gotten the same credit.

I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone point out a negative in your writing.
Either your perfect or they suck fat Dick.
But why? Oh well guess its an unsolved mystery.

You can write and your rhyme ability is pretty grand....
But I think you half ass a lot of your writing and do it knowing your work will be praised anyway.
I think your talent would be better used in a fully coherent piece.
Though I'm sure you or your fan base will argue your writing is perfectly coherent

Oh well.
Its not about them. Its about my opinion.
At the end of the day you can shrug my opinion off and proceed to write this shit...if you want

Or you can actually try
And write a coherent polished piece of art and give real reason for as much praise as you get
Peace

[Natural]

Adding one "yo" in a text piece is as nerdy as you can get.

[Split]

Originally Posted by Natural

Yeah. You have a wide vocabulary or like to appear to have one. Perhaps you love rhyming dictionarys...perhaps you hate them(or want to appear to hate them).
You have a fan base on netcees....which is probably because you can actually write well..
But I think you use that to your advantage and are able to put together these sporadic pieces and still get props for it(when most ppl wouldn't).
Somehow your stature on netcees gets you a free to do whatever you want pass...
And I'm not a huge fan of it because there is plenty of writers that I've seem write at your level and beyond and not gotten the same credit.

I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone point out a negative in your writing.
Either your perfect or they suck fat Dick.
But why? Oh well guess its an unsolved mystery.

You can write and your rhyme ability is pretty grand....
But I think you half ass a lot of your writing and do it knowing your work will be praised anyway.
I think your talent would be better used in a fully coherent piece.
Though I'm sure you or your fan base will argue your writing is perfectly coherent

Oh well.
Its not about them. Its about my opinion.
At the end of the day you can shrug my opinion off and proceed to write

this shit...if you want

Or you can actually try
And write a coherent polished piece of art and give real reason for as much praise as you get
Peace

I disagree. I think Black's vocabulary is anything but rhyming dictionary. Every word used makes sense in the context, by my count.

You can, and should, elaborate on negatives in other people's writings, regardless of stature.

If it's not fair for writers to downplay your friends' writing because of Black's reputation, then on that basis it's certainly not fair to downplay Black's writing because of your friends' lack of reputations. In other words, writing should either be judged objectively in terms of other writing- or not judged at all.

Imo, most people do not critique dead man on drops like this (don't judge at all), because his polished/ directed pieces usually end up as HoF or place him as season champ of a writing league. Time would be better spent for both Black and his critics if they analyzed writing that was executed to its fullest.

But yo. At the same time, v. good writers still have glimpses of excellence in freewrites, warm-ups, keys... I don't think u should ignore that bc NYCSPOTORO called you a faggot.

I think the OM would be a better place if we made an effort to read and comment on every writer (not every drop) and learn something from them, and give them something to think about.

I mean, you are of course entitled to your opinion. In summary tho, I think you are just not giving Black a fair shot out of spite/ your opinion is objectively wrong.

I also think you should reevaluate your definition of "coherent".

No hate. I still mean to return feed I owe you from way back. Just my $0.02

Originally Posted by dead man

yo



contour a recollection. trace a border between
war and serene. river gorges and streams, endorphins and dreams

>> I'm a fan of how you begin your verses. Really enjoyed the conceptual symmetry between sketching the outlines of a memory and creating a barrier between what it is/ is not... and the soft and solid divisions between entities in the framework of our world and our mind.

This much depth to a concept might be artificial on my end, but it speaks to your proficiency as a writer that you can elicit a response that resonates in such a well-defined way. The pairs you compare echo the finer points of tracing a recollection.

War and serene. So many fractalized divisions between people, societies, and the current state and the past when in a state of war.

Gorges and streams act as borders themselves, physically (maps) and metaphysically (both cut the same path but are of a different nature).

Endorphins and dreams. This, to me, speaks to the differences between conscious/ subconscious in forming thoughts and ideas. The different textures on our mental map.


advertisement, adversarial, i've cancelled the plug
ate a box of nails for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch
addicted to the disarray. my habit is dust
mouth breathing heavy after sweeping it up
>> great way to introduce dissonance, as well as a further defining quality (addiction to the absurdity of life) that keeps it far from cliche.


media frequency jump impermanent like passionate lust
>>fantastic wording

colliding in your Camry. our vehicular muse.
midnight mascara and rouge. cocaine whiskey and wine
salt and pepper - cloth and leather - lemon and lime
ambient shine. pupils dilate. now it's Ambien time
beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine
pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend
into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement
no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death.

>> liked wordplay of first line, lot of truth to that idea. lol women.
the rest of this seemed like the basis for your title. Enjoyed the connections, they personalized the rest of the drop.

I have a poverty knowledge of philosophy and logic.

Last line, i dont understand it but i want to think about it a lot. quotable.

- Edd Anam

Overall, I would say this leaned more towards a warm-up for the Winter Tournament. But at the same time your ideas coalesced on a sophisticated level whether by chance, intent, or intuition. This was anything but unapproachable or lazy.

good shit Black. Keep keyin

[Eŋg]

contour a recollection. trace a border between
war and serene. river gorges and streams, endorphins and dreams

i don't like the word contour as a verb but this was a cool opening. very casual.

let the world disagree once their madness corrupts

very well.

speakers amplified to tell us we're not happy enough

people underestimate aural potency.

advertisement, adversarial, i've cancelled the plug
ate a box of nails for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch

enjoyed the play on words firstly. sentiment was good. the eating seems a bit incongruous to me; i thought the metaphor might extend but it sank back to be literal.

addicted to the disarray. my habit is dust
mouth breathing heavy after sweeping it up

wouldn't you not sweep up your dust if addicted to the disarray? lol. i didn't take this bar literally, anyway.

media frequency jump impermanent like passionate lust
his thoughts darkening. moving towards the back of the bus

harriet tubman ass rosa parking, nigga. media frequency thing was dope but sometimes your similes are lazy (it's probably that i don't use them (well)).

vampire sluts and servitude. the power is near
the hour is nigh, our Auschwitz appears as towers and tiers

bold was superb.

suits and a tie, cowards in line to order a beer
Orwellian the telephones. unimportant careers

i can't queue for a bus, let alone a drink. big brother's always watching: 1984 +1

louder than clear, static megaphones in velvet apartments
metal in your cerebellum, lead in your carcass
deadman, enters to harness your repression and darkness
write your pain, let it resonate, then measure respondents

swagger. feeling that last line though.

veritas plus barry bonds plus whatchamacallit
bat shit crazy. strangely there's this sudden catharsis

@The Mind Assassin

i've felt for the beach. fields and open spaces sunny and blue
but romanticizing nature doesn't cut it for you
sat by and smoked her cyanide. huffing her glue
then hummed myself a tune til our discussion was through
saw her clearest on a stormy night. the 2nd of June

that all seemed kind of causal and melancholic.

a thunderbolt's growl behind affectioning croons
scratched a scab open. sang the leprosy blues
colliding in your Camry. our vehicular muse.

cute opposition in the first line. do you use the blues as a recurring theme? cortisol blues. i remember. you're from chi-town, i think, that probably explains it.

midnight mascara and rouge. cocaine whiskey and wine
salt and pepper - cloth and leather - lemon and lime
ambient shine. pupils dilate. now it's Ambien time
beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine

probably the segment that best rolls off the tongue. last line -- felt like you momentarily forgot yourself to break out of a inner monologue, which would be very fitting for its content.

pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend

i see that...

into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement

...line before this was dope (could have followed it up better).

no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death.

pen and pad currency would be interesting. pagan devil > ram horns > goat > capricorn > zodiac > astrologically correlates with a winter term. our winters, at least. if there's more beyond that line i don't see it. came out of left-field a bit but felt like a necessary obscurity to close the piece.

enjoyed the read man. felt a bit like a warm-up from you because it didn't boast the usual polish i normally see and expect -- but in that sense i might have liked it more. this was long overdue from me and i probably owe you on some more, i lost count. thanks for peeping my recent shitl; your feed on my last drop was encouraging.

btw natural i've nearly always offered black at least one critical comment any time i've ever fed him over the years. i'm good like that.

[PancakeBrah]

Ate a box of nails then a sandwich for lunch was awesome. Very deadpan. Funny line.

At work and might feed later. Enjoyed this.

[Exis]

contour a recollection. trace a border between
war and serene. river gorges and streams, endorphins and dreams
let the world disagree once their madness corrupts
speakers amplified to tell us we're not happy enough

^^Nice opener...great way to draw the reader in from the get go.

media frequency jump impermanent like passionate lust
his thoughts darkening. moving towards the back of the bus
vampire sluts and servitude. the power is near
the hour is nigh, our Auschwitz appears as towers and tiers
suits and a tie, cowards in line to order a beer
Orwellian the telephones. unimportant careers
louder than clear, static megaphones in velvet apartments
metal in your cerebellum, lead in your carcass

^^That's an ill section.

beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine
pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend
into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement
no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death.

^^Tight.

Aight firstly thanks for the feed man, gotta admit I was surprised you left comments on my shit (and I mean good ones too not the usual comin' thru a thread of mine with just the word 'faggot' submitted lol) but yeah it's apprciated regardless.

As for your piece here, chea it's dope...was really feelin' your scheme at certain points but it's your content that whichever way you look at it is flames.Like Split said pretty much every line is connected in some form or another to what's before or after it, which virtually means your use of filler (in this joint atleast) is nowhere to be seen.The imagery is also another element here that deserves a mention as bar after bar painted some brilliant pictures on a consistent basis...so yep good stuff Black, very enjoyable read.

Stay upwards.

[dead man]

Originally Posted by Natural

Yeah. You have a wide vocabulary or like to appear to have one. Perhaps you love rhyming dictionarys...perhaps you hate them(or want to appear to hate them).
You have a fan base on netcees....which is probably because you can actually write well..
But I think you use that to your advantage and are able to put together these sporadic pieces and still get props for it(when most ppl wouldn't).
Somehow your stature on netcees gets you a free to do whatever you want pass...
And I'm not a huge fan of it because there is plenty of writers that I've seem write at your level and beyond and not gotten the same credit.

I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone point out a negative in your writing.
Either your perfect or they suck fat Dick.
But why? Oh well guess its an unsolved mystery.

You can write and your rhyme ability is pretty grand....
But I think you half ass a lot of your writing and do it knowing your work will be praised anyway.
I think your talent would be better used in a fully coherent piece.
Though I'm sure you or your fan base will argue your writing is perfectly coherent

Oh well.
Its not about them. Its about my opinion.
At the end of the day you can shrug my opinion off and proceed to write this shit...if you want

Or you can actually try
And write a coherent polished piece of art and give real reason for as much praise as you get
Peace

if by "half ass" you mean have fun writing as opposed to laboring over some fucking magnum opus thesis in every verse then yea i half ass everything nowadays. sorry pal

sincere thanks for your comments and for reading.. @everybody

[Wise Wiggles]

sick af will read again tomorrow and go more indepth

[Natural]

Originally Posted by dead man

if by "half ass" you mean have fun writing as opposed to laboring over some fucking magnum opus thesis in every verse then yea i half ass everything nowadays. sorry pal

sincere thanks for your comments and for reading.. @everybody

By "half ass" I mean your operating at half of your full potential.
Of coarse this is all only my opinion at the end of the day. Do you.
Your welcome(for the comments and reading)

[dead man]

Lasties

[Scripter]

This was very fluent but I believe the end seemed to flow the best for you.

"a thunderbolt's growl behind affectioning croons
scratched a scab open. sang the leprosy blues
colliding in your Camry. our vehicular muse.
midnight mascara and rouge. cocaine whiskey and wine
salt and pepper - cloth and leather - lemon and lime
ambient shine. pupils dilate. now it's Ambien time
beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine
pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend
into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement
no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death."

great read!

[Mc Hype]

"a thunderbolt's growl behind affectioning croons
scratched a scab open. sang the leprosy blues
colliding in your Camry. our vehicular muse.
midnight mascara and rouge. cocaine whiskey and wine
salt and pepper - cloth and leather - lemon and lime
ambient shine. pupils dilate. now it's Ambien time
beg your pardon please.. this disconnect's a habit of mine
pictures phrases quotes and concepts twisted to bend
into visions you read. concrete consistency like liquid cement
no dimes and nickels to spend, it's rhymes and rhythms instead
the devil was a capricorn and Winter is death."

This whole part flowed so smoothly, I thought the end was the best part of the whole piece. Imagery was impressive and the wording was just flawless, look forward to reading more of your stuff man, this shit was great.

[Just Write]

This was yet again another dope piece my man. Fluid throughout with a great grasp on wording. Jealous my dude. Im fucking jealous