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Old 09-23-2014, 02:52 AM   #1
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Default Short-Verse Championship: 2. Darth Yoda vs. 6. Soulstice \\ Soulstice wins 9-6



Welcome to the championship!


The Basics

Verses are due Monday, Sept. 29 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Voting will end after a sufficient result has been produced. Ideally, we'll at least get first to seven, win by two.

Verses may not exceed 16 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 240 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Our Destination


Good luck, @Darth Yoda and @Soulstice.
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Old 09-30-2014, 12:26 AM   #2
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We were destined for shore. Until the deep blue flail of God
Assailed us as we sailed along - On the beach I laid. In my mind
I felt my faith in decline. Staid, like a shipwreck awaiting the tide.

We designed this together. Decided to chase the horizon forever
Between separate cerulean planes stretched a beauty explained
By sirens inflecting. We never realized that youth had a human constraint
As the lovely blue grew deeper, and strange. Whispers of mutiny
Ran down your neck - I saw by days iridescent eulogy, the sun drowned to death.
You left a piece of yourself at each port of call - as my world dissolved
Into wharfs and rocks. Or wherever starboard's adjacent.
My captains quarters were locked. You stargazed. Dreamt of a carnal replacement.
Then the depths unleashed it's terrible weaponry, left us for destiny
And at this point we both thought.. why rescue a memory?

On the beach I spotted a ghost ship, materializing to definite form.
A femme fatal had me welcomed aboard. I trembled and warned of terrible storms.
But neverthless I believed what she said. We were destined for shore.
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Old 10-01-2014, 02:59 AM   #3
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Default shakespearian spacetrip (our writing journey)

a jovial cluster, conjoined by the junctures of serendipity's gaze
colloquial structures, quoted for exquisite toxicity -- translates as ink on a page
Our destination depends, on inclination to fervor, the further we investigate in our nurture
success is painted in red, and as brothers, we're boiling blood that delineates us as persons
some of us poets. annoyingly unbeknownst to the ballad of colors exposed
if guns become roses, gentle words are gunpowder stemming this cultures explosion
the scariest people. even enraged & unpeaceful..u'd barely see it. we're a cannibis leaf
cus metaphors are loosely based on deceit. we use lies to weed away at our weakness
if we aren't alcoholics, our arid sonnets, are dying stars within a belt
white dwarf syndrome. how do you hurt a crashing comet that's on the urge to kill itself?
we capture moments better than photographs, enshrined in perfect vignetting respect
dried tear-drops in my moleskin were played off to friends as "urban artistic effect" (how pathetic)
we're destined for pain. dispassionate slaves to the emotions we could never escape
our destination; unpaved. indentured to the roads we bent out of shape
impetuous pace. freaks of nature, impeding danger when a soul brandishes quill
birds of a feather flock together. destination: unknown. and that's when the catalyst kills

Last edited by Darth Yoda; 10-01-2014 at 03:02 AM.
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Old 10-04-2014, 05:49 PM   #4
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Soul - a nice story of failed love, or hope in it lasting. Strong writing regarding emotion, it was a somber read although a tad feminine for my usual taste. I did enjoy the tone ironically, and flow for the most part. Although, I will say I did not like the change up in "whispers of mutiny run down your neck". It disrupted flow but quickly corrected itself. All in all, strong writing and phrasing to convey emotion. From lost ship to holding memories. I especially liked the concept of this "dream scape, or realm", built by the two in the relationship, being slowly destroyed by said relationship. This reminded me of that Dicaprio movie not to long ago, where he gets trapped in the mind trying to extract secretes and shit. Solid writing as always regardless if it just isn't my natural taste in content.


Darth - You dealt with humaninty in its typical negative light, and how were are driving this ship into the depths of failure. You sprinkled so many metaphors into this shortened verse that it was a pleasure to read given topic/route you went with. The writing was solid, especially those metaphors. I enjoyed the use of writing as metaphor, and wish you stayed true to that instead of adding in drugs or other concepts. Sticking to one would have made this a more difficult write, thus more enjoyable read. None the less, it was solid writing start to end.


this is a tough vote because you both had strong writing in concepts and materializing said concept. You both did go with concepts that have been beaten over the head time and time again of the vets, but both still eventually succedded because of the strong writing. In the end, I really liked them both for the same reasons and disliked for the same reasons. So based off preference alone. I have to go

v/ Soulstice

Again, very close battle. If Yoda had focused more energy on his calligraphy concept rather then venturing off I would have def given him the edge ever so slightly. as is, soul by a very slim margin.
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Old 10-05-2014, 01:26 AM   #5
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Before my vote, I'll say that this is an amazing end to a wonderful tournament. Thanks to both finalists and everyone else who competed.

Soulstice: This is just such a wonderfully lush verse. There are layers, but none feel stretched or forced. It's comfortable. Your mechanical prowess is at its most refined here, with not a word forced. I don't often read someone stringing together three consecutive no-filler rhymes like "welcomed aboard. I trembled and warned of terrible storms." while allowing it to read so naturally. Sure, the approach wasn't anything terribly creative on the topic. You had the surface layer of a washed-up sailor, the second about love and then a third one that seems to hinge on the concept of destiny and hope that goes beyond love. That's the one I latched on to. The first stanza was my favorite, in part because "staid" is one of my favorite words. There are some tremendous turns of phrase here, too: "I felt my faith in decline" and "We never realized that youth had a human constraint" and "why rescue a memory?" To nitpick, and this is an extreme version of that, I didn't like the use of "starboard" and "stargazed" in such proximity, and "the sun drowned to death" was a little trite, and you seemed to be reaching on how many ways you could say "water" without saying "water." You've had a tremendous run in this tournament, and this was an impressive finish to it.

Darth Yoda: I love that while Soulstice honed in on "Destination," you went with "Our" as the focal point of your verse. I've read these types of verses before, describing the community that we inhabit together, but they never come with this level of eloquence and insight. The "urban artistic effect" line was so great, and your words hit so close to home for me as someone who, over the past 14 years (with gaps) has invested so much into this hobby. There were a handful of other particularly great lines: "success is painted in red, and as brothers, we're boiling blood that delineates us as persons" and "cus metaphors are loosely based on deceit. we use lies to weed away at our weakness." But between those lines, there was a little bit of wasted motion. The first and last lines weren't quite up to the rest of the verse, the first because it didn't make much sense out of context and the last because it seemed a little heavy-handed in tying the topic in. The "guns become roses" line didn't fully connect with me, either. I love how you weave in and out of concepts, and the colors and the map drawing and the other metaphors were well-established. This verse is particularly impressive in such a small, 16-line space. You were more ambitious than Soulstice by quite a bit. But in that ambition, the verse didn't quite feel as tightly wound and perfect. Soulstice hit the line-drive grand slam, while you hit the 500-foot two-run homer.

Vote: Soulstice
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Old 10-06-2014, 08:57 AM   #6
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Even after 5 or so reads, soulstice flow is strange. When it seems he lost me I find a way to connect the schemes after another read. Content was dope, the direction you went in was a reach imo, but thats probably more personal taste than anything. Yoda's verse was really intriguing after the first read, and it grew on me more and more with each read. Tons of metaphors to describe the downwards pace of our existance. Easy flowing and the last few lines were dope as fuck. I tried reading the other votes and attach myself more with soulstice piece, but I couldnt, it just didn't do anything for me.

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Old 10-07-2014, 04:43 PM   #7
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Soul -- excellent ending...the last six lines hit out of the park. I liked the approach, its something I can see myself doing and i guess that makes it relatable. The verse was very complete and powerful as a whole, but the individual lines werent as strong. solid drop nonetheless.

Yoda -- even though I did it (on my own terms) this tournament I am very hesitant to write about this thing we have here. With that laid out there id like to say that the vehicle you chose to encapsulate your journey within was oddly fitting (Or at least you made it so). There was also quite a bit of emotion linked to this that rounded it out as a verse. I was honestly expecting you to get slayed in that section after reading souls. Regardless, solid drop.

Overall - this battle is close and dope. There was a similar approach to the topic from the competitors and it made voting a little trickier. In a high caliber match like this judging mechanics is out the window, all that you really have to judge on is concept, execution and enjoyment. I enjoyed both of these and thought in a high level sense the concepts were quite similar. What I left with was a sense that soulstice had a more encapsulating verse and thats where I stand

Soulstice

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Old 10-08-2014, 07:56 AM   #8
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Soulstice:

Your words were pure and well pieced together. Reading it a second time, I still had to use google define again! Reading it through faster and feeling the flow, I realize it flows well too. You weren't hell bent on rhyming lines and the syllables per line are fairly similar. You picked a theme, and you stuck with it… you brought in other creative lines, and brought it back gradually to the shore.

Darth Yoda:

I had to google define many of your words. Your wording was intense, to say the least. You didn't use correct English with your sentence punctuation, which doesn't matter. You used some wordplay that I enjoyed, like "cannabis leaf" and "to weed away". Your approach was artistic, and meticulous. Towards the end, you strived towards possibly pointing out a negative future, but the last line cleaned it up enough, even with the "catalyst kills" part.

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I think that Soulstice's verse ended on more of a positive note. His verse was more of a creative story that ended well. If I was voting purely on poetry, he'd have my vote. Darth Yoda clearly showed off his vocabulary, and reading through it quickly; it seemed to flow better that Soulstice's. Soulstice lines were more basic. Both flowed. If I were to vote on how I read it on a beat pattern, Darth Yoda would get my vote.

This is a tough one… its really hard to compare the two styles, as they are so different… yet each so skilled.

I'm going out on a limb here, and voting for structure and ability to be flowing to a beat (in this case flowing faster, which was DarthYoda).

/v Darth Yoda
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Old 10-08-2014, 11:42 PM   #9
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Soul. Stupid good man. The metaphor fit perfectly without being overbearing and confusing, etc. The breakdown was great as well. Having each stanza serve a distinct different purpose, and each was beautifully executed, especially the first three and last three bars. Very solid read overall, and one that I felt very naturally encompassed the desired emotion. As for the mechanics, you've always had a solid flow, and you've also always had a strange pattern structure haha. This one was definitely easier to follow than your last though.

Yoda. Admittedly, this is easily my favorite piece you've written this tournament. That being said, I haven't really liked many of your others :/ To me, the best section was bars 12-14. I felt the piece really come together in those bars, and start to flesh out. Unfortunately, the last two bars fell a little flat to me. The beginning started out a bit wordy, if that makes sense for this kind of thing haha. I went back and forth with really liking, and kind of "meh"ing at every other bar. Overall, this was solid, but it felt clustered in places, which ultimately took away a bit from the story.

vote is for soulstice. good job to both though
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Old 10-09-2014, 02:41 AM   #10
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This match was spectacular. Both dazzled the writer with imagery, great rhyme schemes, and both had a very lucid "destination" as the reader embarked on that journey. A voyage of dissecting the topic, and reflecting upon the contents made alive by the mind that composed these words together.

Soulstice piece is without question the better narrative of the two. There's this narrator chronicling the story of beauty, but also one where conflict is arising due to habitualization. The same scenery is becoming cumbersome and in a more physiological level more tiresome on what is called the human soul. The dreamt of a carnal replacement speaks upon this. It seems the story entails a romantic adventure of a captain and his mistress journeying for the sake of discovering the mystery of the deep blue sea. Alas, tragedy strikes perhaps due to an already physical bond distancing that was happening amongst the two. But, as the captain survives the breech he again is pulled back in, but this time by an alluring temptress aboard a ghost ship. Well, perhaps his other comrade of the lover type also was an apparition. I also enjoyed the usage of color to capture a feeling. However, also to be honest I felt the piece was sub par compared to the earlier work I seen of yours throughout the tournament. Reason being, is because although fluid, and well executed it wasn't as appealing to me this time around. And I have to admit, most of your other pieces are quite alluring.

Proceeding to Darth Yoda, I did not foresee this direction. I am impressed, and being that I appreciate the finer points in language this was a treat to read. Although, cynical in its representation of the evolutionary instinct to delineate from concord. Needless to say the language was eloquent, and the vocabulary was utilized without sacrificing the prophylactic effect of straight forwardness. Basically I felt you didn't overdo it. Of course I am an avid reader, and so others who may not have an appreciative love for archaic words may find some of the terminology as off putting. Also some of the lines felt redundant without any progressive movement toward closure, or better yet unraveling of the ideas that you are trying to convey. However, before I ramble on forever I have to admit this piece was more enticing. It gripped me, and had me more intrigued to comprehend the subtleties. It also was very much in your face with the language, and perhaps can be toned down just a tad more in order to achieve a more comprehensive wider audience relation to it. There are different body parts a piece targets. For example the mind, and the heart. If one just use the mental aspect of things then the finished product is one with intellectual rigor, but appears to be babbling to the common folk. One that reaches the heart may evoke strong feeling which is an universal response to certain stimulus and experiences. However, the heart approached only is usually quite underdeveloped in terms of how it engages the various aspects of the brain taking in into the realms of creativity, and the mind blowing proportions of being in awe when seeing through the mind's eye the connection of thematic archetypes piecing together uncovering truth. When both this approaches are linked together what arises is a harmonious symphony that reaches all orifices, and thus all possibility can take place.
To me this came down to entertainment factor.

Anyways, I shall deviate from the norm, and vote for Darth Yoda.

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Old 10-09-2014, 06:23 PM   #11
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Its story vs. Mechanics

Soul story was decent. The flow was off in spots idc what you say. Poem form I suppose. It had its moments though.

Dy was fluid, with several quotables. I liked the white dwarf syndrome line. Sounded like a writers view of other writers, written by a writer.

V - DY
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Old 10-10-2014, 03:53 AM   #12
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I feel a little uncomfortable voting on such a close battle of this magnitude when I'm coming from a battle writing only background... please forgive me if you feel my analysis doesn't do justice to your piece, or that I'm unqualified to pass judgement on it (I am, but votes from better qualified persons don't seem to be forthcoming).

Soul - I thought this was pretty great. Your flow/cadence was spot on for me, and was aided by your use of strong rhyme schemes throughout. I liked your approach of an overall metaphor fleshed out in parts by several related sub metaphors, eg "my captain's quarters were locked". Some of your descriptions were quite beautiful, too - "between separate cerulean planes" stood out to me in particular. I really don't have anything negative to say, this was one of the best topical pieces I have read. Although to be fair, I've read comparatively few. Still, I feel inspired by this piece, tbh. Well done.

Yoda - I liked your take on the topic - our humanity plagued with problems leading us into the great (negative) unknown. Vocabulary was great, and strong rhyme schemes were there. To be honest, while I found your verse to be very impressive, I didn't particularly enjoy it. The metaphors were too dense for me (or maybe I am just too dense for them. ha.), and I struggled to connect with your writing because of it. Re-reading, I'm still unsure of what's meant in several places, while other lines like "success painted in red" and "white dwarf syndrome" are pretty stellar.

Voting for Soulstice.
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Old 10-11-2014, 06:18 PM   #13
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Short verse is kind of hard to work with due to it's....well shortness
and the impact of the verse has to be felt, which I do find interesting
especially since short verse is my favorite....carrying on...

Soulstice, your verse had a certain expertise to it, it seemed well planned
the route you took your verse from the beginning was intriguing, I'm sad it's so short
but the way you focused your verse on how technically abstract your verse can be
your use of vocab really brought a refreshing read as I finished it, I enjoyed it a lot
you held your own and there's no denial in that to make it this far..

Darth, I always enjoy reading your work when you have the time to drop
and seeing as how your verse has taken a very, very, short straight to point route
it really shows how much you can compact into a verse with very few words
I enjoyed the way you flowed through this verse and it makes me want to enjoy your OM's
either way you have put a very different twist on your style it seems and it shines
you stick to your topic as well as Soulstice did, and it shows...

V......My vote is a tough choice after reading these a few times,
but both writers make the reads seem so...enjoyable, it feels like I read a whole chapter in few words
you both have brought such strong verses, and being here puts you at a different level
for you both to do so well with so little makes it hard to choose to be honest
I guess I have to go based off of who seemed more memorable to me...
I'm going to have this one to Darth...I just feel he had made a deeper impact on me verse-wise
amazing battle fella's nice work...
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Old 10-11-2014, 10:56 PM   #14
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Mvgt darth yoda, i enjoyed his piece more. It also is the more conplete piece. Ive read a lot of text repin verses but this ones takes the cake. Nice.
Soulstice i realy enjoyed your piece as wel. Poetic, mysterious, intriguing.. just got edged out a little. Great batle.
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Old 10-11-2014, 11:47 PM   #15
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don't close this, I'll edit my vote in here today
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Old 10-12-2014, 09:22 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulstice View Post
We were destined for shore. Until the deep blue flail of God
Assailed us as we sailed along - On the beach I laid. In my mind
I felt my faith in decline. Staid, like a shipwreck awaiting the tide.
Decent opener. Nothing snagged my attention, but it was up to/ above par.

Quote:
We designed this together. Decided to chase the horizon forever
Fantastic wording and concept. Choosing futility.

Quote:
Between separate cerulean planes stretched a beauty explained
By sirens inflecting. We never realized that youth had a human constraint
As the lovely blue grew deeper, and strange.
Cooler. Imagining, from your first line break onwards, friends or lovers pushing a boat off the coast and hopping on, and making for the open sea.

Quote:
Whispers of mutiny
Ran down your neck - I saw by days iridescent eulogy, the sun drowned to death.
You left a piece of yourself at each port of call - as my world dissolved
Into wharfs and rocks. Or wherever starboard's adjacent.
I don't think you wanted this to have a concrete translation. It could mean many things. The narrator beginning to resent his relationship and grow jealous, while the narrator's compatriot left him more and more often, and came back with less and less shared only with the narrator. The last two lines above were my favorite from any verse in quite a long time.

Quote:
My captains quarters were locked. You stargazed. Dreamt of a carnal replacement.
Then the depths unleashed it's terrible weaponry, left us for destiny
And at this point we both thought.. why rescue a memory?
In my mind, it's solidified that you're discussing two lovers. I think you should have ended the verse here.

Quote:
On the beach I spotted a ghost ship, materializing to definite form.
A femme fatal had me welcomed aboard. I trembled and warned of terrible storms.
But neverthless I believed what she said. We were destined for shore.
Strong parallels here. Not sure I liked "femme fatale" or the use of a ghost ship, but I respect the conclusion.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Yoda View Post
a jovial cluster, conjoined by the junctures of serendipity's gaze
colloquial structures, quoted for exquisite toxicity -- translates as ink on a page
Our destination depends, on inclination to fervor, the further we investigate in our nurture
success is painted in red, and as brothers, we're boiling blood that delineates us as persons
Thought the writing was good but the vocab was unnecessarily lofty.

Quote:
some of us poets. annoyingly unbeknownst to the ballad of colors exposed
if guns become roses, gentle words are gunpowder stemming this cultures explosion
the scariest people. even enraged & unpeaceful..u'd barely see it. we're a cannibis leaf
cus metaphors are loosely based on deceit. we use lies to weed away at our weakness
if we aren't alcoholics, our arid sonnets, are dying stars within a belt
Is this verse about writers?

Quote:
white dwarf syndrome. how do you hurt a crashing comet that's on the urge to kill itself?
we capture moments better than photographs, enshrined in perfect vignetting respect
dried tear-drops in my moleskin were played off to friends as "urban artistic effect" (how pathetic)
we're destined for pain. dispassionate slaves to the emotions we could never escape
our destination; unpaved. indentured to the roads we bent out of shape
impetuous pace. freaks of nature, impeding danger when a soul brandishes quill
birds of a feather flock together. destination: unknown. and that's when the catalyst kills
I liked your phrases that composed this verse. the urban artistic effect, the guns and roses bit, "brandishes quill", dying stars within a belt.


DY's verse was more effortless, the language more cohesive and satisfying. Soulstice's imagery was more thematic and rewarding in that sense, it felt like pieces of the same puzzle. Both writers had really cool takes on the topic that really ensnared your mind as you read into them, but I personally enjoyed Soulstice's more... it was like an entire journey in the span of a few lines. That, and the couplet of his that was my favorite in a year or something long like that just placed his piece in a higher tier, for me.

great battle.

v/soulstice
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Old 10-12-2014, 01:56 PM   #17
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Soulstice - dawg, gotta stop doing those uneven bastard bar triplets - they mess my reading up something fierce. You have some insanely dope imagery in this, within the context of a slightly banal narration frame (and despite my starting with bitching about, a really nice and even flow with unconvential ABetc-patterns).

Darth Yoda - in tone and theme the piece that spoke to me personally more, but there's one explicit problems to me here: you should systematically cut out a few syllables from every line because it becomes cumbersome to fluid development of ideas. Nice creative writing overall, I took away some inspiration from this.

Close match with a worthy winner no matter which way it turns out, but I felt Soulstice had the more cohesive and focused effort
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:41 PM   #18
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Darth,

Well-written. Beautiful piece.

some of us poets. annoyingly unbeknownst to the ballad of colors exposed
if guns become roses, gentle words are gunpowder stemming this cultures explosion -

^ Well done.

Sadly,

As much as I enjoyed your piece, it went up again one of the most enjoyable reads I have had in a while.

Soul,

Almost perfect. Quote? I would quote the whole thing. Beautiful structure, incredible imagery, perfect transitions, well-developed concepts that kept the overall continuity of the effort.

This wasn't what yoda didn't do... It was just Soul probably would have beat anyone, in my eyes anyways.

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Old 10-13-2014, 02:07 AM   #19
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Props to both. I've read the two drops. I'll keep this short and sweet.

Vote: Soulstice

His opponent out wrote himself, and Soulstice simply put, posted a verse that won because his opponent would beat himself.
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