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Old 09-15-2014, 03:26 AM   #1
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Default Semifinals: 5. kannon vs. 2. Darth Yoda \\ Darth Yoda wins 6-0



Welcome to the semifinals!


The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 18 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 21 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Voting on the other semifinal is mandatory. You won't advance if you don't vote.

Verses may not exceed 14 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 210 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


The Drum Beats


Good luck, @kannon and @Darth Yoda.
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Old 09-19-2014, 01:40 AM   #2
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My empty hat sits on the street with timid demeanor
I always relished that; different scenes and different people
No embellishment, just listen to me or witness the plea
Just for the hell of it...The simplest peace, I begin to release
*boom bap*
I held on to my weapon as an extension of my person
The crescendo of my emptiness to presence of my worth, with
my syncopated rhythms speaking tongues to any earnest ear
On the surface just a word, becomes a church when you worship here
The perfect hymnal tribute, The only truth in that last release
The pageantry, the manic expression, dynamic masterpiece
Accelerando, allegro, feeding the beast until the beat dissolves
The largo brings a close, exposed the human underneath it all
*cough/sniffle*
This sudden urgency's released, a blur, the scurrying of feet
What was beautiful now becomes another urchin on the street
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Old 09-20-2014, 01:07 AM   #3
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percussion flesh, holes are deep, flows of horny thunderclouds
culminating soldier stream, to my growing army underground
the orchestra, unleashes a symphony, of formulas in sequence
her aura whispers secrets, in frequencies a sonata couldn't pitch release
energize the bunny, thumping to the mesmerizing build-up
memorized the stanza sheet, g-note; to exercise this twill tongue
succulent soprano, ripping strums off the very clever wood work
the ascending surge is beneficent to thee impending blood burst
instrumental head-game, compelling the pheromones ozone
swell the 207th bone, slow . just in time for this baritones solo
a song-making kiss is the crux, for every hymnal cumbustion
pulsating pitch is a must: we'd never wrap it up to a cymbal of trust
booming blossomed bloomer. slow-playing the blue nut melody
band camp debut, showcasing the first time my drum ever beat
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Old 09-20-2014, 07:32 PM   #4
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Kannon's was hot but his wording wasn't as deft or complex as Yoda's. I did enjoy his ending a bit more than Yoda's though, as I see homeless dudes banging drums in NYC a lot although it's rare, usually just stuggling musicians tbh but it does happen quite frequently so thought that was cool.

Yoda brought some heat imo. Sexualizing the musical process, thought it was gonna be a metaphor for fucking but turned out to be him putting his all into a band camp debut. Cymbal of trust line was hot.

voting Yoda
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:35 PM   #5
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firstly i think its fascinating that you both stumbled upon the word 'hymnal'. its pretty left-of-center as far as what i would expect from the descriptive language for drum beats and percussion etc. you tap into something different. probably a weird coincidence but cool nonetheless.

KANNON you are very clean-cut as far as your rhythm and rhyming goes. its complex in a traditional fashion and you tend to rap the same way, although with your writing far moreso. one is the extension of the other anyway so, at any rate

clean cut is a compliment in this case because with so little space you gave us a pretty insightful little character sketch. the writing seemed to crescendo and peak itself in way that felt well-paced and natural. the traditionalism of the rhythm and at times the language itself left me a bit unsatisfied. like there was a better way to describe your thoughts

Quote:
No embellishment, just listen to me or witness the plea
Just for the hell of it...The simplest peace, I begin to release
*boom bap*
I held on to my weapon as an extension of my person
The crescendo of my emptiness to presence of my worth, with
your transition into the music was the shakiest and most uninspiring segment. i also find myself vey hesitant to warm up to your onomatopoeia game.

overall you accomplished a lot with 14 lines and gave a clear, well-executed representation of a "street musician". in my city there is no shortage of unfortunate genius so i can doubly appreciate this piece for the memories it invokes.

DARTH YODA i think our dear friend NYC may be missing the point. your final line does reference band camp as a parallel for your overarching sexual theme but band camp is not the foundation. this was about virginity and losing it. the blue nut melody. funny. also pretty dope. i took an issue with some of your word choices. twill tongue, aura whispers, ehh. but you had some pretty toxic phrasing. impending blood burst. pheremone's ozone/baritone solo was one of the best forced rhymes in disguise I've seen in a while.

but you made up with it within the next couplet which was probably my favorite of the match.

your alliteration begins to be a bit much after a while. it grows stale in your mind like 24-hour fireworks. better left alone sometimes.

very tough matchup and what it comes down to for me is who, based on the creativity and execution of their submission this week, i want to see continue to read in a finals match.

based mostly on a more interesting and multileveled topic choice, darth yoda will receive this vote. it was a hard vote because Kannon did not necessarily show any overwhelming weaknesses to pick apart. unfortunately, there were no notably overwhelming strengths to the verse this week that could topple the opposing strengths in Yodas (i.e., more provoking language and more involving interpretation).

that being said,

v/Darth Yoda
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:00 PM   #6
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Opening with horrible topic choice as Kannon literally wrote about this in the Audio Tourney but...Moving on

Diggy - Sick topic bro. You being writing this is laughable though, but you wrote it and made it dope. A verse about the Gun making the music, from the chamber bells to the scurrying of pedestrians to the corpse lying flat atop concrete. Good shit. Writing why's, nothing truly blew me away, but the fact that you kept a very solid flow while executing the chosen concept perfectly speaks volumes to the skill. enjoyed the read, loved the execution.


Sith - A Virgins eruption penned delicate in a a very subtle tone that captured language in being a tool. I feel like this is the purpose of topicals, to make the English language beautiful. You did this, I can not lie, ever aesthetically.



This was simply a dope battle in which you both should be proud of what you produced. I read the other two verses before this one, and this round is simply bonkers. Hats off to you two.

I'm going to talk my way to a vote


I enjoyed both concepts, although both have been done before, the writing in each simply outshined any similar verse conceptually. On one hand, the execution and innuendo of Kann Diggs was masterfully inked. The verse was vivid, short and to the point. nothing wavered and no instance of fault was to be found. On the other hand Yoda wrote as a pure linguist, literally taking it back a few century's in terms of poetical style. I think I read two verses from Darth prior to today, and I'm blown away


Voting Darth Yoda.

In the end, Kannon had a dope concept and execution. But Darth too had a dope concept and execution, but did so with a masterful grasp of language.
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Old 09-21-2014, 10:34 PM   #7
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Kannos verse was dope. Cant front.... it kept building n correlated well with the choice of words n had a pretty good vocabulary instilled in it.


Darth was just a whole other level tho. His vocab along with the imagery was great,n not a single line seemed like gaudy writing imo. It had just the right touch of flow,vocab n imagery.


V dy
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Old 09-21-2014, 10:36 PM   #8
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Kannon - This flow was polished and crisp. exposed the human underneath it all was dope. The ending came suddenly and without warning, assumedly similar to the tragic events that brought our character to his current situation. The hat in the beginning is a good foreshadow to the conclusion because it is a vague image but makes a lot of sense once you go back and read it again. This was a well executed story with no holes at all - will it stand up to Yoda's usual collage of wild wording?

Yoda - I think this is definitely two stories told with the same words. The actual first drum being beat at an assembly at band camp matches well with the coming-of-age loss of virginity that became of the metaphysical conceit (idk) you built up with the language. Cumposition made me laugh even though it is corny as all hell. There were a lot of other clever tongue in cheek nods to the storyline like g-note, pulsating pitch. I liked the culminating soldier stream bit the most. The image was really dope. However, Some of the wording kind of lost me and you definitely could have tightened it up a bit. I was extremely confused the first time I read through it. The imagery could have been more obvious, I guess the word is. I had to do some thinking, but not in the provocative way, in the ummm wait kind of way.

So, a battle between a very ambitious verse with some holes and a very tight verse with somewhat of a basic story, relatively speaking. I think that Darth did more with the 14 lines, which is what I've been using as the baseline of my votes all tourney. I think its really close, and while Kannon outwrote DY in the traditional sense by a slim margin, I think DY was a bit more ahead in terms of ambitiousness and even executing the topic, even though there were some wording bits I didn't love. Because of this I am voting Yoda.
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Old 09-23-2014, 02:24 AM   #9
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kannon: Your opening couplet is just perfect writing. You took Baron Mynd's rhyme scheme to a new level of diction, creating a very vivid and eloquent image. The verse didn't quite maintain that high the rest of the way, but it was a great effort. Where I think you fell short is in the lack of specifics. You didn't so much tell a story as describe a scene, and you described that scene through generalities rather than specific images like that hat sitting on that curb. Tell me about the people who walk by. Tell me about the history behind your instrument. That's what I wanted more of. I wanted more of that opening couplet's crisp imagery. I really liked this verse quite a bit, though. You ended it well, and you were crisp and clean with terrific mechanical prowess.

Darth Yoda: Your anti-grammatical use of commas annoys me sometimes, but that's about the only complaint I have here. There are so many layers to peal back in this verse, despite it's rather clear subject matter. Swinging from poetic to juvenile at times usually would be a kiss of death, but you worked in those cheeky references smoothly within the context of your eloquent and highly unique voice. That's one of the things I keep thinking while reading this verse: highly unique. Others would have used this topic similarly, but they wouldn't have written it at all this way. My favorite line is "pulsating pitch is a must: we'd never wrap it up to a cymbal of trust. The rhymes and diction are so distinct, and I think that level of separation is what gets you the victory here.

Vote: Darth Yoda
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