07-05-2022, 05:57 PM | #1 |
Save The Sea
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Oregon
Posts: 553
Rep Power: 3013535 |
Hello, Goodbye.
Ever love something and then it's taken from you?
You give it your heart and then they break it in two. You wanna feel bliss but then hatred scrapes through, and the thought of happiness becomes a sacred jitsu. You think this is it, I can finally breathe in peace, until the dream's complete and your reach recedes. Nobody hears your pleas or screams, so please just think before you speak cuz nobody seems to believe that grief can kill quicker than hanging from a tree... Life dangles hope at the end of a string, as you choke on it cuz it's stuck in your teeth. You weep into sheets just trying to sleep, cuz being awake leaves your mind unleashed. You stare at your wrists or that balcony ledge, thinking that's it... how to make my agony end. You've hit your limits, pushed over the edge, and nothing in life is worth continuing to pretend. You can't defend the reasons you're always sad, or come up for excuses why you cannot laugh. So you tell someone you'll be right back, and walk into traffic, killed by somebody's dad. That's the end for you, there's no more pain, no more hearing voices or feelings of going insane. No more hard choices or struggle with self restraint, just a trail of blood for your loved ones to claim. They mourn for a bit and cry at your funeral, pay a service expense and everything is beautiful. As time goes by, they begin to forget about you, and when they go, so will the stories too... So your death meant nothing, much like your life, and if you're sitting there on another side, that depression returns, only this time, you're unable to escape courtesy of a Semi. Hello, goodbye.
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07-05-2022, 09:30 PM | #2 |
SYRACUSE
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,033
Battle Record: 31-37
Champed - Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament
Rep Power: 4743543 |
This was dope man god shit, nice easy flow to it
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UNIFIED THEORY |
01-28-2023, 08:47 PM | #3 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
Sad theme but that is okay, it was done correctly and strongly... with weakness and genuine vulnerability mixed in as well...i found this to be very good, and rank it just above your recent wildcat one, a bit more polished A - Z I felt.. but that's just personal opinion...very well done..
Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 01-28-2023 at 08:50 PM. |
02-05-2023, 12:19 AM | #4 |
Lime Life
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,784
Battle Record: 30-41
Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded
Champed - Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic
Rep Power: 82986458 |
I liked this, you've put a hell of a lot of work in over the years and it shows. Practice doesn't make perfect but it definitely makes significant improvement.
Having said that, despite what the other two guys said, the flow was bumpy in places. You know I'm incredibly obsessed with wording and syllable count, so maybe I'm being harsh but I thought there were a few occasions where you said more than you needed to. Liked it though, good verse.
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He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
02-14-2023, 03:12 AM | #5 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
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