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Old 12-04-2017, 09:52 PM   #1
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Default Week II: Diablo vs Pent up[CLOSED]



Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends SUNDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Diablo vs @Pent uP

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 12-12-2017 at 07:48 PM.
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Old 12-06-2017, 10:58 AM   #2
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lmao pents pedantic about his name having a second upper cased P at the end

he'll prob no show because of it
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Old 12-08-2017, 11:16 PM   #3
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Ill be writing tonight into the wee hours. Sorry for not coming in earlier
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Old 12-09-2017, 05:05 AM   #4
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I Can't Win

The hardest part of walking uphill? Moving like the wind.
That hardest part of walking down? losing sight of them.
Knew it wise to spend feudal time to unwind content,
but still felt torn like Aliens grew inside my skin.
Who am I to them?
Who am I to me?
Behooving likening and soothing rivalry.
Moving like the trees - swaying in the ambience
while pieces fall without fading in the grass and twigs.
Everlasting grasp of facts scaling down the happiness
in a realm where it felt playing favorites has to fit.
Older now, sober now, and middle of the pack.
Hindered by my past or a figment of the facts.
Sticking to the back while my constituents relax,
I play my part and frivolously laugh.
No disdain, though refrained from an alpha position
insecurities won't lend to my gravitas missin'.
As it was written: too young to take care of my parents,
but too damn old for all of the fables and presents.
Gatherings are nice because families unite.
Autumn-esque backdrops reflect magic afterlife
moments golden to those with better halves who vanished like
death stands there red-handed laughing, yet, contrite.
It has to happen, right? The passing of the torch?
Passively we're forced to act as the resource
of happiness. Until ourselves are famished by divorce
or a tragedy of sorts and can no longer lend our masculine support.
Cash is the retort - To gain or to spend?
The shame in the trend is what heinously lends
to the dividing factor of what makes us content.
The gifter? The giftee? The buyer - unnamed in events.

It doesnt start from the green, or start monetary -
The autumn leaf doesnt fall far from the tree.
Triumphant bloodlines remain red at the top
The golden years fell to their spot - expelled and then washed.
Throughout the years mud muddles and melds all the lost
to remind the survivors we're not fresh from a start.
- Some won't compost,
some stretch what they've got,
but when we pool together
....it resembles a plot.
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Old 12-09-2017, 02:18 PM   #5
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"The World Built In Seven Days"

"Let's build us an ant farm!" I called with delight
as we pillaged the back yard for all we could find.
Sourcing the right materials for the housing required
we ensured that it's dimensions were down to a science!
We accounted for sizing before the panels were made
having found a supply of tempered glass for the case.
They had to be laid so each joint was adjacent
and tactfully placed to avoid any breakage.
I poised the encasement near the gleam of a candle
and pointed it facing a south-easterly angle.
Here they had ample warmth and light on display
and I could peer from the shadows any time of the day!
With the design taking shape, its outer-structure was glued,
we wiped at the fascia so all particles of dust were removed.
We trusted its durability and filled the bottom with sand
before we put in the roof to secure our colony's ants!
Once we'd gone and attached this over their home
we fitted the top with a hatch we could open and close.
This gave us total control over their food supply
we poked in a hole big enough to fit a tube inside.
We used this pipe both to get air in for breathing
and to provide the moisture our formicarium needed.
We took care to complete it over the span of a week
before sharing our 'Eden' with our Adam and Eve.
Its inhabitants seemed to thrive as they used their leg strength
for channeling secret chambers to store food and nest eggs.
Soon an extensive network of tunnels arrived
as the community went and doubled in size!
The numbers were rising in time as it grew
'til the hub was a hive of activity with societal rule.
The ants inside it assumed their individual roles
and I smiled as I knew they'd continue to grow.
The kingdom evolved, coming full-circle to see
hatchlings become soldiers, workers or queens.
One ant turned to his teammate, rose it's pincers and asked
"We've the world at our feet, but where d'you think it began?"
The civilian clacked his mandible and breathed with a sigh
"Some think it was planned by a great entity in the sky,"
Seeming surprised, his young antenna sprang into action
"Even the wisest ants believe it was a Big Bang that just happened!"
The elder gacked up as laughter came from his throat
"And you imagine all of this was made on its own?!"
The young labourer drone began to feel like an idiot
by surveying their home, it sounded completely ridiculous.
He'd seen the meticulous hours of physical skill
even been in the thick of it to assist in the build.
So did their habilitation result from a big bang defying logic
or was their existence a children's on-going science project?


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Old 12-12-2017, 09:16 AM   #6
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Quote:
pentup

I remember really enjoying your writing and the first two lines sold me on why.
This has a really nice, spoken word sort of vibe to it.

Quote:
... middle of the pack / hindered by my past ... / sticking to the back ... / I play my part and frivolously laugh
how i read it, sort of picking up pace until "play my part and", then a nice little pause.
oof.

Quote:
death stands there red-handed laughing, yet, contrite / it has to happen, right? the passing of the torch? / passively we're forced to act as the resource of happiness
bruh

the rest was clean, but those two ^ REALLY stood out to me.
I hope to see more of you



diablo
fuck, I forgot it was you vs pentup.
I came to your verse thinking "prolly easy vote."
I'll just list the parts that spoke to me

but first,
Quote:
it's dimensions
that was bothering me.

now
Quote:
We accounted for sizing before the panels were made / having found a supply of tempered glass for the case.
Quote:
Here they had ample warmth and light on display / and I could peer from the shadows any time of the day!
Quote:
The civilian clacked his mandible and breathed with a sigh / "Some think it was planned by a great entity in the sky,"
ggwp -.-

Quote:
He'd seen the meticulous hours of physical skill / even been in the thick of it to assist in the build.


okay. all said, diablo had what felt more... clear of a topic?
if I hadn't picked up on pentup's, the vote would be a little harder to decide.

mvgt pentup
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Old 12-12-2017, 01:36 PM   #7
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Quote:
Pent up: Interesting and captivating intro, but it was the alien metaphor that sold it to me. That shit's deep in a straight forward way, sometimes your emotions just feel alien to yourself and the way you conveyed that was beautifully written. The natural reading flow of the questions and the trainsition back to the flow/rhymescheme shows great penmanship as well.

The flow and rhymescheme is fluid from there throughout the multi-section of 'fading in the grass/everlasting grasp' to the 'play my part break' and closes it off perfectly with 'frivolously laugh'. Nice, smooth flow of the story and great visuals too.

Enjoyed everything up to the 'take care of my parents' and 'fables and presents', couldn't quite get that to fit the way I was reading it. Definitely the weakest part in your story so far despite the fact they build on background of the story even more. I can enjoy that progression of the story but the execution could have been a lot better. You get back into it tho so not a serious hiccup but a hiccup nonetheless. And the story continues after that in the same fashion as before all the way to the 'unnamed events' part which was dope af, great questions and content that sparks thoughts in the readers head as well, at least it did that to me. Love this piece so far, not just the content and writing but the message as well.

Same issue as earlier in the start of the last verse regarding the rhyme in my head, I can't make it work for some reason. Might be the accent I'm reading or that I'm Norwegian, who knows? But I got to be honest and say I couldn't make 'start monetary' and 'far from the tree' to rhyme well enough for me for it to work as inteded and it ends up seeming like a lazy slant rhyme instead.
After that it's dope af again tho, love the conclusion and the rhymeflow of the last 8 lines. Overall this was really fucking solid and I enjoyed the verse throughout despite the hiccups I encountered. Shit was on point, dope and sparked genuine thoughts in myself as I was reading it, that shows quality to me as a reader imo.

Diablo: Dope picture, I was looking at that too for a moment but ended up not going for it so I'm happy someone did so I can see what their take on it was as opposed to my original idea. Let's head into it.

4 sentences in and it has already captivated me, good form on the flow and rhymes to start it off with as well. I enjoy your story as it progresses and I don't really feel like I need to go in depth on any of it since it's pretty much straight forward and fluent throughout, that was until I got to the 'used their leg strength' and 'food and nest eggs' part, just like with Pent Up I consider this as a hiccup, even though the flow is on point the rhyming isn't quite there for me, I can't make 'eggs' and 'strength' work in a satisfactory way and find no connections in the previous or following lines. That might an error on my part but it is what it is cus it seems to me you were going for something along the lines of 'Span of a week' and 'Adam and Eve' but that strategy didn't work for me at all here.

The flow also broke a little bit on the 'time as it grew' with 'societal rule' line, as the following up line after 'time as it grew' were too many syllables away and long in timing for me as opposed to the flow throughout your piece as a whole. I mean, I can make it work but it could have been even better as it felt stretched to me the way it is now. I'm nitpicky because the level you guys are at needs scrutiny at points like these in order for you to progress even further.
I also feel you could have removed 'it' in the next line, we already know what you're talking about so that word could be removed for a better flow and it'd sound better with 'smiled as I knew' which I think is a more important connection than 'societal rule' since it's more of a couplet and the transition works well enough like that as well imo.
You come right back on track with the next 2 lines tho, shits dope but the following couplet got slant rhymes again with 'asked' and 'began', from a flow standpoint it works but with a second look it's lazy to me but luckily 'civilian clacked' got it back on track, slant rhyme but it works a whole lot better here imo.

Now your piece gets interesting as fuck. I love how you make the ants think the same way as humans do with 'entity in the sky' shit. Perhaps that was your idea all along, that the ants are just a metaphor for human beings with the big bang that just happened etc? I'm reading on, enjoying this part in particular tho. As it goes on towards the closure of the verse I realize it might not be it but it's even more interesting thinking of it that way. Either way I fell in love with that closure, it was funny and dope at the same time.

Vote: This is going to be tough, both prowessed with writing with extremely few hiccups that I found while I was reading them. Diablo took a more straight forward approach which was refreshing, no overly deep shit intertwining concepts with another but still unique enough to warrant cred for its skill. Pent uP went with a more thoughtful and poetic approach to his story questioning human relations and where they stem from in a certain philosophical way. Two completely different concepts and approaches but equally great imo.

They both had a story and even though I thoroughly enjoyed Diablo's straight forward approach and might have enjoyed his verse a bit more from an entertainment aspect point of view Pent uP's take on the story and closure edged it in his favor. It sparked more questions and emotions in me while reading, and the ending had a certain 'damn, that's too on point for comfort' sting to it. Based on that MVGT Pent uP.
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Old 12-12-2017, 07:26 PM   #8
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Pent uP,

So far Ive only read that opening verse but its been a very easy read.
the flow alongside those multis is really a winning combination..
that *who am I to them* switch up was pretty dope as well. so smooth.
I could pick any pair of lines out of this and find something I enjoy about it.
my only gripe is the *grass & twigs* part because it felt weird on my tongue.
otherwise after going back to finish the verse off it was a cool piece as a whole.
upon reflection its a great idea for the piece as it all unravels.
Nice to see you competing

Diablo,

This was pretty cool, it reminded me of the piece you did about a spider in the bathroom?
something like that anyway, the flow & the pace of the piece was quite amazing
the fact that you are able to create something out of something small is pretty impressive.
you ran with this idea in no time and thats what amazes me sometimes but it does come together too quick.
because you started out as the boy and then you change your perspective towards the ants
I dont know if this is a ploy for me to pretend that I am now the kid & as a kid Im making them think they are thinking this or not.
regardless this was a very impressive verse from start to finish. nice work.

v/After some consideration I can see the highs & lows from both verses.
the clashing of both the styles is very present within each opponent as well.
one relying on quick wit & motivation while the other focuses on flair & poetics
the thing that irks me sometimes is how to keep the piece going with each rhyme
I encountered that feeling within both verses & found myself conflicted with voting
like do I choose this one because of the way it was crafted
or do I choose the other based on how the flow took me elsewhere?
after thinking of each verse as a whole though I feel one took it based off of tenacity
which I feel Pent came more straightforward with while taking in the surroundings
I enjoyed the other verse but found myself twisted up in the execution.
the bouncing from perspective to perspective approach is hard to grasp at times.
causing me to have a sour taste in my mouth because it is a dope piece.
but the more polished captivated me & left me feeling somewhat thoughtful...

v/Pent
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