11-25-2017, 04:38 PM | #1 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
i don't know what i want
I dont know what I want
surface dwelling alone at the swamp oak in a marsh, soul searching proverbial want more or less spawns of monsters nobody needs you were my star spangled banner. I was taking a knee subterranean breeze, vitamin pond, still smell your perfume every once in a blue, Dahlia Divin creeps in the room black lagoon creature. months of despondent malaise never under the same moon, but always got in your way every constant is change, every constant in chains sheriff to my merits, conversation warranted pain follow the tunnel light or walk amongst shade political topic terrain. a boxer on the ropes you taught me to love; to love to be alone hundred teeth, sunk in deep. rusting at the bone propaganda prone. meditative combative state post traumatic melodic drama copacetic cathartic static momentary sedative saga cautionary tape over skeleton skull in the closet mama said to me never mince words with misses karma megabit verbage. sapient alma. inner trenches of prison velvet and soft linen, cotton henley makeshift pajama couldnt figure you out… kissed crevasses in your skin you were indifferent about awkwardly distant to things that slipped through my mouth look at you now.. blood soaked sinful devout the untolds dripping, gun smoke cigarette clouds love grows thinner when sun strokes negligent doubt what comes, goes hum low under floor boards or they’ll figure us out self destruct sequence, count to zero with me feel your feelings metamorph like metaphors in the breeze i don’t know what i want, just know what i need better go home before I’m awoke and i see you momentary passes, focused entropy seams beams of light bustling through cracks in the stream pockets of time like globules; skip stones in ravine everything’s loud even when the volumes negative three nothing we do can salvage this irreparable dream que pena me da, que lo tienes sentir shouted to leave, as i whispered the please
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precision defender Last edited by big baby; 11-25-2017 at 05:05 PM. |
11-26-2017, 12:12 PM | #2 |
death warmed over
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Downstairs illstreet dam
Posts: 2,564
Battle Record: 6-21
Rep Power: 0 |
Hmm thought this was nice stayed on topic nice didn't want to take too much away from it cause I enjoyed the small tidbits u left about here and there... The only one problem I guess u could say was you seemed like you were trying to keep things from others but why go for that crazy style let others take use and enjoy u feel... I'm not down with people feeling others are overcopious with their thoughts in open-mic...
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https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/ |
12-02-2017, 01:32 PM | #3 |
White Earl
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why do i get this feeling that big baby is black D. sometimes?
__________________
-A.bove T.he R.est |
12-19-2017, 05:54 PM | #4 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
thx
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12-31-2017, 02:11 PM | #5 | |||||||||||||
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 19584275 |
Quote:
Quote:
In any case, I dig your content. Your imagery and metaphors read like a tiny fragment of a fractured memory (i.e.; the perfume reference). I thought that was a nice little touch. Quote:
Quote:
Although, your talent with words is undeniable, some of this -- and I don't mean to insult you -- is verbal masterbation. Well, maybe not "verbal" because it's in written form, but you know what I mean. The reason I say that is not because the writing is lackluster or anything. It's clearly great, but after two or so lines it becomes long winded and overstated. So much of the above section is eccentric and hyperbolic lyricism that could have been summed up in a more concise fashion. It's just that after a while the true intent of the writing starts to lose it's poignancy and purpose. Although, I could see the above section working out beautifully in a stage performance. As a spoken word piece -- combined with expressive hand gestures, voice inflection and tempo changes -- it would hit with more potency, imo. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
The proceeding line reminds me of the movie 'People Under The Stairs' and Edger Allan Poe's short story 'The Tell-Tale Heart' . I'm not sure if either is relevant to your story. I just thought I'd mention them because they came to mind. However, if I had to guess, I think maybe the line is meant to express an affair. Some sort of hidden romance with the possibility of being caught, be it physically or emotionally. Or something along those lines. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Now, let's see, time=droplets of water that make up a larger [time]stream and you two are the stationary stones that if flows around, but not over? So your love stands still in time? But, then you used the word pockets which indicates different moments in time, so maybe your interactions with one another are memorable, standout instances in your lives that you are reflecting upon as you begin to "self destruct"/let go .... or uhmmmm ... Idk. lol Quote:
Quote:
In any case, it comes across as a relatively trite dramatic effect writers typical tend to incoperate into their poetry in an attempt to seem more sophesticated and... uhmmm ... *scratch that* I believe insincere is the word I'm looking for. With that said the actual translation is pretty nice. Quote:
An aptly title piece of work. So, as a whole this was a superb piece of writing. You had evident emotion oozing through your lines, your language was creative and mostly original, your flow was effortless and the theme was obvious, while at the same time reminiscent of a puzzle. I enjoyed piecing it all together. Thanks for sharing. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 12-31-2017 at 02:31 PM. |
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12-31-2017, 03:00 PM | #6 | |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
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12-31-2017, 03:41 PM | #7 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 19584275 |
A musical referance. I stand corrected. But, I won't edit my response, because I like the condescending and cynical tone of my criticism. Instead, I'll just pompously insist that you should add quotation marks around said lyrics for the sake of reader clarity.
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12-31-2017, 06:32 PM | #8 |
SYRACUSE
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,033
Battle Record: 31-37
Champed - Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament
Rep Power: 4743543 |
this verse was pseudo deadman trash imo. pussy whipped nonsense
__________________
UNIFIED THEORY |
01-01-2018, 10:21 AM | #9 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
thx
|
02-17-2023, 11:51 PM | #10 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
Haven't READ (or maybe 1once but never fed?) YET...
****Bitta Feed DUE TUESDAY**** |
02-22-2023, 04:37 PM | #11 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
propaganda prone. meditative combative state
post traumatic melodic drama copacetic cathartic static momentary sedative saga cautionary tape over skeleton skull in the closet Pretty damn fancy BB, and the highlight for me. I liked other parts as well...maybe a few low spots...personal preference... To NYC's point there were a few "heavily-BB-tropes" or "pseudo dead mans"...still worth a read IMO... hum low under floor boards or they’ll figure us out self destruct sequence, count to zero with me Think these two lines are fucking dope content. NOT old-BB-trope OR pseudo dead man...just original and sick, so thx bye |
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no hands fake deadman, puzzy whipped poem |
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