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Old 12-04-2017, 09:50 PM   #1
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Default Week II: Symetrik vs Objective[CLOSED]



Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends SUNDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@symetrik vs @Objective

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 12-12-2017 at 10:06 PM.
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Old 12-05-2017, 01:07 AM   #2
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check, in whatever we say.
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Old 12-05-2017, 01:49 AM   #3
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Check 1, 2. What is this?
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Old 12-06-2017, 09:22 PM   #4
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I remember days in the blue zone - when "too old" never stopped us.
dust off the boots and the old tunes that would make us wonder why we got up.
fingers tap prints on the flashbacks like the nice ladies talked of.
so we played 'til we flew from the chains of this cooped "home", but truth be told? we never saw love.

pause, then pause done.

we'd stay with the neighbors on the first floor cuz they didn't make us feel sick.
Chinese kids and a shot to the head with a needle-to-the-spleen trick,
"nǐ hǎo".
"hey" - but we were both so lost in the flux of the real shit,
cuz growing up quick's got a whole lot of stress that we'd never really deal with,

pause, then pause done.

a part of me believed that we were clean since we turned thirty.
cuz scrubbing off the dirt, afterwards, was something that we learned early.
that, and that we earn mercy - that we're "self aware" and there to please.
the moans beneath our tears have started scaring me,
so we're too old to be spitting up the blood of someone's touch until we barely breath.

pause.
then pa's gun.

I've been sitting on the dock, desperately trying to scream.
we hope I'm seen.

Last edited by symetrik; 12-06-2017 at 09:24 PM. Reason: forgot a "then"
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Old 12-08-2017, 08:30 PM   #5
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The walled city

Ever felt lonely and shifty, or phony yet gritty?
Perhaps you masked yourself with the essence of Kowloon City?
This town's prolific with the presence of the compelling witty black side of politics,
and government control is on hold while selling shitty wack lies to bold critics.
But we rose from the ashes and chose to live life till it crashes,
no headstrong masters or hopeless strong clashes;
nobody's dead wrong or homeless among bastards.
(Just don't mind the hazards!)

From scrapyards and cheap labor we savored our needs,
built trade systems that stayed with us as our oxygen to breathe.
House fires are common and sanitation is ignored,
a cheap price for doing everything on your own accord.
And the reward is a dynamic society that's pretty dense,
but it served a culture of magnificent free thinking citizens.
However...
The nuisance is smell but it's music as well yet abusive as Hell
cus' humans can lose it when it's too exclusive for them.
Only the stupid condemn a beautiful gem with basis on freedom,
and the rich always bitch from the corrupted eye that they see from.
The toxic relations evolved to a social threesome with obvious psychosis,
that's what happens when you tease the talents of an omnious Moses.
The gap between worlds closes as outside forces get embarrassed & pissed
that also knows the course of how to endorse an iron fist of wars done quick.
And that's when things went to shit.

Bit by bit the gov felt threatened by us and was constantly on it,
spoke bout lack of secure living conditions but that's mostly for profit.
Bulldozers guarded by infantry made sure that buildings went down,
filled wth hard to grasp feelings past the chance of healing I run around town.
I'm red/black in mind so I can't handle brown, I'm at the end of the line,
I breathe out a sigh of disbelief at the seaside and realize we'll never be fine.
As the ''magnus opus'' approaches these roaches swarm us to the brim,
fully clothed I take a glance at what once was and go for a ''swim''.
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

Last edited by Objective; 12-08-2017 at 11:28 PM. Reason: removed a word and added a word + fixed a typo (wrote disbelief as unbelief, smfh)
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Old 12-12-2017, 09:17 AM   #6
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Quote:
Sym: Sym continues to have one of the most natural flows in the league here. It doesn't read like it's been written for a league verse, it reads like it was meant to be rapped, and that's a huge credit to him. The rhyme placement definitely helps there for the reader, though, it can often get him caught up in the ride and lose some clarity as to what is happening story wise, that's his weaker point and needs addressing as it affects him each week without any progress being made to improve it - it holds him back and did again here.


Objective: You went a more politically charged route this week, over the story from last week, and that was a risk - but I think it will pay off here. Rather than it being strictly about Norweigian politics that could have alienated the readership somewhat, it does have a more relateable overall arc to it that I think took this for you, as well as a noticeable improvement in terms of multies, rhyme placement, and technical skill.

I've got Objective winning here
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Old 12-12-2017, 09:17 AM   #7
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Quote:
Symetrik -- I liked a lot of the internal rhymes and how they were woven in and out of the sequences naturally. Repetition of the pause theme and how you changed it up was also pretty cool. Before I saw the length of this I really thought this was going in a direction like Ready Player One and I thought that was a bold choice, just going towards that kind of dystopia. I quickly realized that this verse was going to touch that kind of depth and tried to delve into what was there. When I finished though, I was left desiring a bit more - this was the kind of scene you would see at the beginning of a teaser trailer. Little flashes of storyline and some of the main backbone but just enough to make you tilt your head in that confused dog sort of way and then get intrigued for the rest of the trailer. Thats the kind of feeling I had when I finished it. Some nice thematics, but a bit on the short (not length necessarily) side.

Objective -- the ending kind of crash and burned for me, and the beginning was a little too....telling me what to think and not describing the scene. That middle body though, strong man. You got in this groove describing whats happening and the writing felt natural and purposeful. I think it was the strongest writing of this match. The overall message was nothing I couldnt sneer at, and the execution was rollercoaster-y, but the prime piece of writing in this stood out to me in a unique way.

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Old 12-12-2017, 07:42 PM   #8
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Sym,

Your piece came off short yet sweet, telling the inner workings of the surroundings
really capturing the idea of how things are effected (affected?) by what can happen.
the rhymes were pretty noteworthy as the story begins to unfold. very well done.
I cant find too much to really complain about here though...

Objective,

I thought the use of the same topic was clever on your behalf.
you basically flipped the topic that Sym wrote on and added your own twist.
which would be commendable if it were done in battle where such was asked of.
but knowing that you had 2 days over your opponent to toy with it seems meh.
regardless you really bring a polished portrayal of what you are trying to convey
i guess its fair to say you did a great job.

v/This battle is pretty cool, both went at the same topic which makes it competitive in a way
I can understand how one would be able to pick apart what is already drawn out for the other.
it gives one freedom to take something already done and basically build right over it.
and maybe thats my gripe with whats going on here, I mean yeah its dope but comes off too easy.
maybe its just me but I though both could have came through with a more thorough process.
I feel like it should have been a way different battle than Im seeing right now but it comes off meh to me right now.
I dont know if its after reading the other verses or not but I wanted to see more evolve from this...
I guess I cant complain since its early season material but I feel like both would play off each other well.
it feels like this is more of a collab than a competitive soiree...but if I have to choose who had the better verse.
Im going to have to give it Objective.
better luck next time Sym
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