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Old 04-28-2014, 03:52 AM   #1
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Default Week 10 contender match: 3. Just Write (4-2) vs. 4. Zombie (2-0) \\ Zombie wins 5-2


Season 3




The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.


Topic


“The one thing you can't do when you're highly ranked is relax.” — William Floyd


Good luck, @Just Write and @Zombie.
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Old 04-30-2014, 04:40 PM   #2
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Default Friday Night Lights...

Shaun was shook with concernment...
...pacing, as his undefeated season approached.
the determined look on the faces of his team and his coach,
So close to siezing the moment, trying to muster bits of composure
Cause In a flash, with one pass, their dream could be instantly over.
The score was tied, 24 to 24...
....Unbelievable, since they were playing the cobra's.
A record of 10 and 17, last seed, hailed from the streets of corona.
A young bunch with a nack for sacking quarterbacks, had the meanest persona's,
But shaun was quick on his feet, they called him little Daytona.
In the pocket, you couldn't stop him, hints of a young Joe Montana
Superstitious kid, always wore his black & red, skull bones bandana
full blown commander, a senior, Captain; the leader of his team,
But this particular night, Shaun's pass completions were three for fifteen.
Defense had to be a beast, three touchdowns, and two fumble recoveries,
And on this evening, "little" daytona, felt he was in a jungle among the trees...
He struggled to run the seams, they hit him like a locomotive train
Shaun felt an abundance of defeat as he said "I'll wholly take the blame."


One week before..


Shaun's coach approached him with a game film on the cobra's defences
He said, "they love to roll outside then cut through, exposing the trenches"
Shaun said "i'm good to go coach, i'm all about throwing the distance!"
His Coach was concerned with Shaun's gloating, growing consistent.
With a glowing intensity, it seemed Shawn's confidence towered
M.V.P. of their league. In his mind... a god, with dominant powers.
"Nothing can stop us coach, I mean... look who were facing!"
Shaun had bought into the hype, becoming rather abrasive,
He put off studying film, decided they weren't worthy of effort,
Gone were the days that Shaun would show up early for practice.
off on a rampage about his quickness. only observing their record,
So Confident, he said "coach, I know our playbook backwards."
with him being only a teenager, you wouldn't think anything lesser,
Shaun had never been center stage, he couldn't handle the pressure.
So when game day came, he wasn't prepared for their size
scared in the huddle, he stared, Comparing their height.

..
......
..

4th quarter, 2 minute warning. the cobra's had possession of the ball
Shaun was still pacing the sidelines, hoping for an interception or call..
Something that could give him, ...a second chance at redemption
Being unprepared for this game had made him rather aggressive.
He snapped at his offensive coordinator throughout the course of the game
Shaun felt horrible, you could see a look of conviction pour over his face.
He knew only he was to blame for disregarding the film
now his whole team suffered, but only he suffered from guilt...
30 seconds... 3rd and ten. A pass soared through the sky
The crowd grew silent as the ball disappeared,absorbed by the night.
Between the crowds roar, and the scorching lights, everything unfolded so fast.
The whistle blew, hands up,.."touchdown!" they completed the pass..
And Just like that, his season was over, just as fast as it came
A poor sport, Wouldn't even shake hands with his opponents after the game.
His ego cost him the championship, but he learned a valuable lesson.
Never relax and lose focus or you'll find yourself renouncing progression.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:44 AM   #3
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Default

JOURNAL ENTRY: 4/28/14
This is the perfect topic. It explains me perfectly.
I'm highly ranked.
I'm amazing. words are clean. my over-workings chronic.
flow is so atomic. and my cadence? certainly.
everything i wrote is flawless
any strain of lava zomb' creates is flowing hotness.
it's like gauge unloaded on em'
insane, atonement. godly.
some say a faint robotic, but I complain Im hercules.
I've mastered greatness. heard of me?
calculating emerging schemes. and every burst is toxin
I NEVER RELAX. I'll have you salivating. awesome
i'll activate a wordy scene through any range of optics
and relaxing's great, im busting through the ranks of any college
enunciating lanky rhymage, with slants you couldnt pay to write it
raced the hare & turtle, blindfolded, eyes closed
and still maintained the speed at supersonic

-end log

JOURNAL ENTRY: 4/29/14
and I mean its a bit ironic, the hare and the tortoise
a red herring for short. The phrase is just gorgeous
it was a saying with a page of components
saying in quotient, that you should still remain focused
even if you heavily outrank your opponent
Oh wow, my mouth faded a moment. Oh well.
I'm 2-0. I'll have everybody riding on my coattails. haha




JOURNAL ENTRY 4/30/14
Just Writes verse was fucking dope. Damn.
- end log


JOURNAL ENTRY: 5/2/14

Look, I didn't mean to be cocky, i really am sorry
i reigned supreme as a god, and mocked you as weakling. youre hardly
but in the evenings, i worry. but not about the league
i worry about me. I worry about worrying. I worry about dreams
if you don't win, zombie, they'll crucifix you
i'll just throw whatever together & pretend I couldnt get to it
im trying to relax. but i've gotten to a point
people expect stuff in my verses, and the work to be had
if hardwork beats talent, i guess hardworks my dad.
where all my talent seems superficial
my mind creates scenarios where i am caved
sometimes... I don't want to be highly ranked

- end log

JOURNAL ENTRY 5/3/14


but they don't profoundly understand how it is. absolutely no one does
if skill was a fountain jug, my will to give is the water floating out of it
pain's read out in scars, each day thuds intense mid-drift
where metaphors, melts my core, & kisses. my blood with red lipstick
and as I'm pacing, I could list the feelings that comes with greatness:
various nobs of patience, periods of ostentation
serious numbed sensation; fear to become complacent
nullify the nascent, buzzing. you could hear the drumming bass in
everything. my morning coffee doesnt even wake me up
as i'm unveiling scuffs. and morph into amorphous zombie
no one sees the work i emanate within
just end results when this savior shows up
relationships are a tease, and take a shit
because i'm flirting with failure so much
you're now witnessing the fluctuating collapse of my frustrating debacle
bankrupting my patience, as all you judge me and toggle your punctuating bravado
my mind equates it like math, if you add to what you have you're greater than that
but the faces that grasp at you, are obstacles that wait to subtract your molecules
cause the one thing you can't do when you're highly ranked is relax
--
to have faith is to have trust. and promise yourself to the water instead
when you doggypaddle you don't clutch hold of the water or you'll sink to its depths
instead you relax, and float. a vagabond. - a quote by alan watts




-end log
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Old 05-03-2014, 12:41 PM   #4
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Jw, this was a cool and easy read, nothing aside from the ending felt forced. Just felt it couldve been not so sudden. Overall with the story, nothing really happened. It was dull, was waiting for something to happen but it never did. Doesnt mean I didnt enjoy your approach, just felt it couldve been better.

Zombie, not bad. Im sure most of this wording was intentional but it strayed for my liking. Also wished the last part wasnt so distant from the first parts as well, felt you couldve had more of a twist of sorts.

V. Just write for the more rounded, complete read.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:21 PM   #5
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Write/Wright- that verse was fucking tight. I like how the "kids, the moral of the story is..." part at the end didn't sound cheesy. Your story was tight knit and the mechanics worked for it. Great story with great detail. Good job.

Zombie- this was an interesting piece. I think, though some parts were good as is, this felt very drawn out and unnecessary. The commentary on perception was interesting even though it felt like some kind of subliminal swaying. Overall not very enjoyable due to the boring bravado inserts and breaks in the verse with the dates. This felt undercooked and overcooked at the same. Which is wierd. Ok verse, but thanks for showing.

MVGT Justice Wright for a more concise, and enjoyable piece. Thanks for showing guys.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:38 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chief Justice Wright View Post
But shaun was quick on his feet, they called him little Daytona.
In the pocket, you couldn't stop him, hints of a young Joe Montana
Superstitious kid, always wore his black & red, skull bones bandana
very good

Quote:
And on this evening, "little" daytona, felt he was in a jungle among the trees...
Bad metaphor

[quote]


Very straightforward, literal, enjoyed the nuance that it wasn't solely the QB's hubris that was his downfall, but the fact that he WAS highly regarded and that his talent was a function if his dedication to the sport... so he was taken down by what he perceived to be "a mediocre defense, not worthy of study" because they rose to the occasion.

I guess my only complaint is how was he never center stage if he was undefeated? And MVP, too.

Would've been cool to see more input from the narrator or thoughts from Shawn throughout the game. Your writing is very natural and your have a knack for storytelling... it's only really evident, though, because there are no flaws with your storytelling.... That's not to say it isn't flawless. I think you are too reserved sometimes, you don't show much narrative voice or, how do I say this.

You don't bring attention to certain parts of your stories or seem like you really care/ are involved in your stories. Like imagine, I dunno... your grandpa, your college roommate, and your high school teacher retelling the same fable... each one would do it similarly, but would maybe describe things in a way that are particularly them... or focus on very certain parts of the fable... and you would be more likely to remember those things than the fable, cause I mean its not a very uncommon story.

I think it was too matter-of-fact and there wasn't enough personality, and I only say that cause I think that you have the writing and rhyming potential to balance soooo many ideas and symbols and etc etc etc.... and to make the story (AND/OR your style, as with pancake/vulgar/dull boy) YOURS which is really what I wanna read when I vote.

EDIT: I mean, I definitely see your style of writing... I'm talking like, what thoughts you are consciously bringing to the minds of any readers. The real end goal of writing, making people see/feel/understand. Make people understand on a level they didn't know existed, because you led them to it. It's here when storytelling transitions from making up characters and plots into exploring the human psyche, organically, casually, and without philosophical doctrines or psychological dissertations.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Zombie View Post
JOURNAL ENTRY: 4/28/14
This is the perfect topic. It explains me perfectly.
I'm highly ranked.
I'm amazing. words are clean. my over-workings chronic.
flow is so atomic. and my cadence? certainly.
everything i wrote is flawless
any strain of lava zomb' creates is flowing hotness.
it's like gauge unloaded on em'
insane, atonement. godly.
some say a faint robotic, but I complain Im hercules.
I've mastered greatness. heard of me?

(more flexing)
Good autobiographical shit/ display of self.


Quote:

JOURNAL ENTRY: 5/2/14

Look, I didn't mean to be cocky, i really am sorry
i reigned supreme as a god, and mocked you as weakling. youre hardly
but in the evenings, i worry. but not about the league
i worry about me. I worry about worrying. I worry about dreams
if you don't win, zombie, they'll crucifix you
i'll just throw whatever together & pretend I couldnt get to it
im trying to relax. but i've gotten to a point
people expect stuff in my verses, and the work to be had
if hardwork beats talent, i guess hardworks my dad.
where all my talent seems superficial
my mind creates scenarios where i am caved
sometimes... I don't want to be highly ranked
Cool.. preach... addressing the topic now as well as the situation that you are in...

Quote:

but they don't profoundly understand how it is. absolutely no one does
if skill was a fountain jug, my will to give is the water floating out of it
pain's read out in scars, each day thuds intense mid-drift
where metaphors, melts my core, & kisses. my blood with red lipstick
and as I'm pacing, I could list the feelings that comes with greatness:
various nobs of patience, periods of ostentation
serious numbed sensation; fear to become complacent
nullify the nascent, buzzing. you could hear the drumming bass in
everything. my morning coffee doesnt even wake me up
as i'm unveiling scuffs.
and morph into amorphous zombie
no one sees the work i emanate within
just end results when this savior shows up
relationships are a tease, and take a shit
because i'm flirting with failure so much
you're now witnessing the fluctuating collapse of my frustrating debacle
bankrupting my patience, as all you judge me and toggle your punctuating bravado

-end log
All of that was dope, for me. I liked how it fell apart at the end. I don't know why.


Really interesting take on the topic that was just about as straightforward as Just Write's, but expressed more... personally. Like, not even because it is descriptive but because it explores the caveats and niches and details of being highly-ranked... I think this ADHDistic panoramificating is the reason your writing is so affective... like Black if he wasn't so conceptually anchored.



Very good battle, thoroughly enjoyed both writings for exact opposite reasons... but I think Zombie won because of his thoroughness and the execution of his angle.
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Last edited by Split; 05-03-2014 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 05-04-2014, 04:09 PM   #7
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Chief Justice Wright - for the most part (with a few notable exceptions) an incredibly cohesive fusion of narrative and mechanics - you found a happy medium between content and delivery. What was underdeveloped was the actual psychology of your protagonist, which was, in my opinion, presented in the form of platitudinous, emotional archetypes.

Zombie - a frame of mind producing masturbatory expositions/self-tributes that is gradually undermined by doubts and actualities (the process that is creation, especially with something on the lin), this captured my own process in a fun, relatable way. Mechanically functional.

I vote Zombie because his was the more intriguing character piece
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Old 05-04-2014, 06:11 PM   #8
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Justice: what stands out to me most about this is the pacing. it's perfect. as a complete, well-rounded story, this definitely reads flawlessly from one portion to the next, and as someone who has stated many times in the past how difficult it is to pace a story well, I'm definitely impressed with how the narrative progressed. these types of mechanics are what set you apart as one of the premier storytellers.

the story itself, however, was a little plain for me. it felt predictable and cliched, wasn't too surprised by anything. moreover, I didn't get a look at anything behind the outward cliche of the QB. details about how he became narcissistic and overconfident, perhaps from something happening off the field, would have fleshed out his character in a way that could have made me feel more about him (whether I sympathized with him or reviled him - as it is now I don't really feel anything but indifference toward his successes).

there was a made-for-tv element to this that, despite its flawless method of storytelling, the story itself didn't quite do it for me.


zombie: what I liked about this was that the tone of voice was so distinctly yours, but at the same time encapsulates what I imagine a lot of us feel (or have felt, at least). that is, holy shit I'm the man, aww fuck I'm gonna lose, I'm gonna throw some bullshit in so I can say it wasn't my best, last minute FUCK THAT I CAN WIN THIS SHIT START WRITING. this was a fun psychological glimpse into the mind and ego of probably all of us. I could relate to the sentiments, even if the words that those sentiments embodied were foreign.

that being said, I thought this was a pretty shallow expression of the topic. not that it didn't adhere to the topic, but just skimmed the surface in its execution, whereas Just Write embodied it holistically. there were definitely parts that felt unnecessary (the 4/29 journal seemed superfluous), and other parts that wandered a little far for my likings, despite being amusing psychological exploration.

overall a strong verse, if not a bit of a drop off from the last two weeks. I think there's a wink/middle finger in the line "i'll just throw whatever together & pretend I couldnt get to it."



Vote: Interesting contrast of not only styles, but of successes and failures within each verse. While Just had a more engrossing representation of the topic, zombie had a greater depth to his character. What pulls it in zombie's favor for me is the humor, as well as the number of standout lines like if hard work beats talent than hard work is my dad and relationships are a tease/flirting with failure. Dope battle, I can definitely see how it is pulling different voters in different directions.
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Old 05-04-2014, 10:44 PM   #9
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Just Write - Rhyming is one of your strengths as well as approaching topics with confidence and conviction. The story was self explanatory, like watching the movie Remember The Titans while knowing what happens at the end. I enjoyed it mainly because of a smooth flow, but this didn't awaken me to any new ideas or bits of wisdom, which I think you are capable of supplying if you play with the rulebook a little bit.

Zombie - If Louis Logic was Roger Rabbit... Well, you gave the topic a witty spin. I liked your second journal section, the longer one in the middle, I was fond of it. The third one was on the flat side. I think mentioning your lighthearted, playful pseudonym was on the weak side, and that commenting on our art form may have hit home more? It was a refreshing take.

Vote - Zombie

He took more of a risk and struck a very minor chord. Close battle.
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Old 05-05-2014, 02:21 AM   #10
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Just Write: The issue with this verse is that it felt a bit like a drawn-out parable that a mom would tell her son, "The Football Player Who Wasn't Ready." The writing was strongest in the first stanza, where you had a few good lines. And I liked the idea of the last stanza, where Shaun is forced to watch from the sidelines as the other team wins it, but more dramatic imagery and unique styling of that scene could have made it more emotionally affecting. That, in general, was an issue here, where you didn't quite write to the level of intensity that your story demanded. Smaller details, like if Shaun were chomping especially hard on his already fraying blue mouthguard or something like that, could have heightened the imagery and the intensity of that important scene.

Zombie: Another week, another hyper-direct approach, another great verse. I really, really liked the May 2 entry, where you began to doubt whether you could live up to the expectations. I also loved the little list you made of the feelings of greatness. There were a lot of really high points in this verse, mostly because of how genuine it felt. That's what you excel at, making these complex schemes and unique metaphors and images feel so very real and important. And here you did that well in a context we all can understand. This verse was imminently relatable for anyone who has been successful in this realm. I'm not normally a fan of writing about writing, but here I think you were grasping with more than linking words and instead dealing with expectations. There were a few slow places, particularly in the first stanza when you were setting the scene. A reread made me like that part more, though.

Vote: Zombie
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