PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE: #7 MR J vs #10 ADVERSE AD ADVANCES

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE

@Mr. J @Adverse

Verse Due: SUNDAY MARCH 7th @ 11:59 PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:


GOOD LUCK

[Adverse]

Check @Mr. J

[Mr. J]

Check

[Adverse]

She used to ponder by the boardwalk in every walk of life
Staring far off to the horizon where the blue water begins to swallow the skies
She would feed the lakes with her tears until it felt contentment
As the glistening droplets rippled upon her face, she resonated with her distorted reflection
Because most days she didn’t know who she was until the view reminded her
Sometimes it felt like she’d been eyeing this shoreline since birth
Her only constant, that still-frame, portrait of the landscapes
Even when everything else leaves her mind, that photograph can’t escape
A watermark, painted into the very essence of her being
The waterside wind brushing against her face, the breath by which it’d sing

She grabbed her pen as tightly as the lake gripped her heart
Writing her stories from the break of dawn until the world drifted dark
But as the days passed, she seemingly ran out of words to say
The effects of age, and the invasive fateful strands of grey
That invaded her brunette waves, her shaking hands couldn’t grasp her situation
Nor her pen...
Her waning spirit bobbed on the water for so long it could no longer afford to swim

As her bare feet gently caressed the coarse wood of the boardwalk
She ran diminished on faith, and even more so on thoughts
Alzheimer’s eating her mind, disregarding her memories...
It all boils down to this ONE spot, she was gonna find herself here eventually
Her weathered hands gripping the pages that she scripted there
Tearing them from the binders and sending the paper through the air
The loose leaf gliding on the wind, along with all their secrets to tell
Rippling the water as they land in the lake, the pieces of herself
As for the finale, she tip toes to the edge, lost inside a daze
She finds the inner strength to cast her body to the waves

Truly, there’s no need for a memoir
When you can’t even remember who you are..

[Mr. J]

She baked the macaroni and boiled the cheese
Told me to skate quick but don't oil the ski's
Got that o'Doyle disease brought on by heartache
A scheduled time to watch another car chase.
Prescriptions in the cabinet, an extra laxative.
Getting through the front door is it's own labyrinth
Potato mashing it before the nights done.
If it wasn't for the stubby legs I just might run.
When that time comes, ask for seconds.
She likes the mistakes and her absinthe lemon.
Gave it to her raw with a mask & machete.
Room full of horrors marked by stashed spaghetti
Rotted ceilings & corners consumed by mold
No need for your toothbrush I'll use my own
No clues untold, the route we took mistook us
Hallway of mirrors and too many onlookers.
Society is a dream and she was the nightmare
She opened up and asked me to be light bearer.
And made me promise when needed I'd be right there
To my knowledge I was quite scare...
When I didn't is when opportunity seized her.
Burning one down would likely appease her.
Goodnight Alexandria

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Adverse

She used to ponder by the boardwalk in every walk of life
Staring far off to the horizon where the blue water begins to swallow the skies
She would feed the lakes with her tears until it felt contentment
As the glistening droplets rippled upon her face, she resonated with her distorted reflection
good connection to the topic right off the bat. bars are a little wordy. end rhymes aren't perfect. nice imagery/vocab
Because most days she didn’t know who she was until the view reminded her
Sometimes it felt like she’d been eyeing this shoreline since birth
Her only constant, that still-frame, portrait of the landscapes
Even when everything else leaves her mind, that photograph can’t escape
this is nice.
A watermark, painted into the very essence of her being
The waterside wind brushing against her face, the breath by which it’d sing
good tie ins. liked this too

She grabbed her pen as tightly as the lake gripped her heart
Writing her stories from the break of dawn until the world drifted dark
But as the days passed, she seemingly ran out of words to say
The effects of age, and the invasive fateful strands of grey
That invaded her brunette waves, her shaking hands couldn’t grasp her situation
Nor her pen...
Her waning spirit bobbed on the water for so long it could no longer afford to swim
liked the way you used the papers to make this metaphor about aging

As her bare feet gently caressed the coarse wood of the boardwalk
She ran diminished on faith, and even more so on thoughts
Alzheimer’s eating her mind, disregarding her memories...
It all boils down to this ONE spot, she was gonna find herself here eventually
another cool angle on the pic. moving the story along
Her weathered hands gripping the pages that she scripted there
Tearing them from the binders and sending the paper through the air
The loose leaf gliding on the wind, along with all their secrets to tell
Rippling the water as they land in the lake, the pieces of herself
cool tie in, flipping your reference from earlier
As for the finale, she tip toes to the edge, lost inside a daze
She finds the inner strength to cast her body to the waves

Truly, there’s no need for a memoir
When you can’t even remember who you are..
nice close. solid ending for the story and connects back to the pic.

Very solid verse. I've seen you with stronger rhyming but it wasn't bad enough to take away from the piece. You used the topic effectively, told a cool story, and gave the reader a few interesting things to think about. Pretty much the checklist for a compelling topical verse, so props.

Originally Posted by Mr. J

She baked the macaroni and boiled the cheese
Told me to skate quick but don't oil the ski's
Got that o'Doyle disease brought on by heartache
A scheduled time to watch another car chase.
rhymes are cool. starting off pretty abstract, looking forward to where you go
Prescriptions in the cabinet, an extra laxative.
Getting through the front door is it's own labyrinth
Potato mashing it before the nights done.
If it wasn't for the stubby legs I just might run.
this kinda works if i read it in a MF Doom voice. still not sure where we're going
When that time comes, ask for seconds.
She likes the mistakes and her absinthe lemon.
Gave it to her raw with a mask & machete.
Room full of horrors marked by stashed spaghetti
interesting imagery. enjoying it but don't see where this hits the topic
Rotted ceilings & corners consumed by mold
No need for your toothbrush I'll use my own
No clues untold, the route we took mistook us
Hallway of mirrors and too many onlookers.
this is ok. waiting for the topic.
Society is a dream and she was the nightmare
She opened up and asked me to be light bearer.
And made me promise when needed I'd be right there
To my knowledge I was quite scare...
this feels rushed
When I didn't is when opportunity seized her.
Burning one down would likely appease her.
Goodnight Alexandria
i don't get it

Interesting read but pretty much feels like you ignored the topic. This would have been more competitive verse against verse, but this is a topical league. Everything is solid technically, but it's a little disappointing you didn't do more with the picture. Maybe I missed something abstract, but I also have to put some responsibility on the writer to make it clear (a lesson i've been learning myself this season).

Vote: Adverse His verse didn't have too many holes vs one that skipped the topic.

[symetrik]

Adverse - the long lines lose me for flow a bit, but I dug the overall cohesiveness and connection to the topic, I think it was maybe an obvious pick but done decently. definitely felt like there was intention to give a watery-ish feel to everything, but some of the phrases distracted from that if that makes sense. especially "coarse wood", for some reason.

J - I think your flow's tighter than your opponent's, but I also think you're not as tight to the topic. some cool visuals, the first two/three lines were dope and something about "When that time comes, ask for seconds." hit perfect. lack of topical tie felt weak to me, but you took it otherwise.

mvgt Mr. J

[Objective]

Mvgt: Adverse.

Mr.J: In this one I felt you lost out on a bit of emotion by not giving any context to the story you're telling, things were also stated in a matter of fact kind of way leaving out a lot of emotion considering the issues they're facing. It was two people in a rather bittersweet and dark relationship of sorts, and although laid out with creative writing here and there I think it's safe to say that I've seen a lot better from J in the past, or maybe this piece just didn't resonate with me that well. It was a good drop but not enough to take down Adverses verse this time around imo

Adverse: I feel you're getting back to it now. Not like a couple of the earlier rounds at all. In this one ypu introduce your character well with literary devices and painting a picture of her emotional state with a story to go along with it.

As the glistening droplets rippled upon her face, she resonated with her distorted reflection
^thought this was beautiful

And on it continues and you tie the stpry to the picture very well with a rsther sad ending. Thing is, ypu didn't finish her off just to have a twist or powerful ending for the sake of it, it made sense and left an impact on the piece as a whole. I enjoyed this read, good stuff

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Adverse

She used to ponder by the boardwalk in every walk of life
Staring far off to the horizon where the blue water begins to swallow the skies
She would feed the lakes with her tears until it felt contentment
As the glistening droplets rippled upon her face, she resonated with her distorted reflection

An excellent display of descriptive language and imagery. Not only that, but also major props on creating a calm and reflective atmosphere that coincides with both the picture itself, as well as the soothing nature of water. I’m completely drawn in.

Because most days she didn’t know who she was until the view reminded her
Sometimes it felt like she’d been eyeing this shoreline since birth
Her only constant, that still-frame, portrait of the landscapes
Even when everything else leaves her mind, that photograph can’t escape
A watermark, painted into the very essence of her being
The waterside wind brushing against her face, the breath by which it’d sing

You’re doing a really good job at putting the reader into the shoes of the character. Not only have you made it easy for me to sympathize with the victim, but you’ve also made it easy to understand her condition on an emotional level.

She grabbed her pen as tightly as the lake gripped her heart
Writing her stories from the break of dawn until the world drifted dark
But as the days passed, she seemingly ran out of words to say
The effects of age, and the invasive fateful strands of grey
That invaded her brunette waves, her shaking hands couldn’t grasp her situation
Nor her pen...
Her waning spirit bobbed on the water for so long it could no longer afford to swim

I like the parallels you’re creating between her declining age and health, and the lake itself. I think it’s super dope on a metaphorical level.

As her bare feet gently caressed the coarse wood of the boardwalk
She ran diminished on faith, and even more so on thoughts
Alzheimer’s eating her mind, disregarding her memories...
It all boils down to this ONE spot, she was gonna find herself here eventually
Her weathered hands gripping the pages that she scripted there
Tearing them from the binders and sending the paper through the air
The loose leaf gliding on the wind, along with all their secrets to tell
Rippling the water as they land in the lake, the pieces of herself
As for the finale, she tip toes to the edge, lost inside a daze
She finds the inner strength to cast her body to the waves

Truly, there’s no need for a memoir
When you can’t even remember who you are..

I generally dislike or feel indifferent towards topicals that end with the main character dying or killing themselves for the sake of dramatics flair. It's kind of...eh...idk. In any case, the writing in and of itself was pretty stellar. Almost every word of every line had something to offer in the way of story progression or visual quality. Most impressively however, is the fact that you maintained a calm air of tragedy throughout the entirety of the read. That's something I personally enjoyed. Very atmospheric. Oh, and also, your mechanics were A1 from start to finish.


Mr. Jay

She baked the macaroni and boiled the cheese
Told me to skate quick but don't oil the ski's
Got that o'Doyle disease brought on by heartache
A scheduled time to watch another car chase.

This is dope. I like how you're using these "backward" examples as a way to illustrate the waning state of her mental health.

Prescriptions in the cabinet, an extra laxative.
Getting through the front door is it's own labyrinth
Potato mashing it before the nights done.
If it wasn't for the stubby legs I just might run.
When that time comes, ask for seconds.
She likes the mistakes and her absinthe lemon.
Gave it to her raw with a mask & machete.
Room full of horrors marked by stashed spaghetti

The highlighted lines were pure gold. The ones that followed not so much. They kind of read out of place in comparisons to the story you seemed to have been building up in the beginning. Almost like they belong to another verse or something, direction wise that is.

Rotted ceilings & corners consumed by mold

Love the imagery here.

No need for your toothbrush I'll use my own
No clues untold, the route we took mistook us
Hallway of mirrors and too many onlookers.
Society is a dream and she was the nightmare
She opened up and asked me to be light bearer.
And made me promise when needed I'd be right there
To my knowledge I was quite scare...
When I didn't is when opportunity seized her.
Burning one down would likely appease her.
Goodnight Alexandria

I'll be honest...I'm lost and have no idea how any of that relates to the picture and or topic at hand.

Vote
Skillswise (i.e. wit, mechanics, and imagery) this was a pretty even battle. Although, I do feel that Adverse had better descriptive language throughout the entirety of his verse, whereas J. had some moments here and there. Moreover, Ad's take on the topic was a lot more direct, easier to follow, and had more layers of insight to offer. With that said, I'm gonna give the nod to Adverse.

Good battle.

[Diablo]

The topic itself is pretty open to being utilised in a raft of ways, I find that could be advantageous to whoever comes up with the better (more creative) take here. It will essentially be decided by which of you pulls off that flip to the foremost degree, in my opinion, having not read either at the time of writing this. Interestingly, to me, the female seems to have no lower half. Why is she there, is that someone falling apart at the seems - or someone turning over a new leaf (the pages). Is she a remnant of someone’s past, slowly dwindling away, or is this somehow a new beginning for her with her reassembling all that made her who she was and starting a new chapter in her story? For me, it could be either, but the initial thought maybe allows the more creative and unpredictable route so that may be what I personally would have preferred to go for here. Let’s see how you guys have it:

Adverse: I think you played to your strengths well here, there’s a lot of poetic licence and tie-in’s to the image topic, the visual imagery as ever is a strongpoint to your own work - “glistening droplets rippled” was an early standout I enjoyed. As the story progressed this was along a similar theme to what I mentioned in my vote intro, definitely close along the lines of what I may have attempted, the imagery and emotion powered this forward for me but maybe lacked a conflict at its heart to really drive the storyline forward into something different all together. I think with stuff like this the character development is so important, for the reader to feel invested in the character and to care about their eventual outcome, I can’t say I really connected with the female lead here this week - for all the visual imagery etc going on (which was very strong) she was almost just a character sketch, you know? It isn’t a slight, as many do this, just letting you know so as to better yourself even further.


Mr. J: There are sections to this where the rhyme scheme was to my liking and some of the mentions like “absinthe lemon” helped bring it to life by lifting it off the page but I mean, straight out the gate, the macaroni and cheese thing just seems a bit out of sorts with the scene set in the picture to me. Kind of disjointed from what’s displayed, you know? The water looks far too calm for jet-skis. It doesn’t seem the place. The use of “laxatives” also seems a little out of sorts with the image, maybe it’s just me, but I definitely didn’t feel that connection to the image as I did with say Adverse’s here - who really seemed to hone in on the visual aspect and create a world inside of it that this female inhibited and fleshed it out. It’s a complete contrast, which isn’t particularly a bad thing on its own, but when you’re comparing two vastly different approaches and you see one do something so well that the other doesn’t - it really highlights that difference between the two and magnifies it. I think, for me, that’s what happened here in a few areas. Firstly, the line lengths of Mr. J with them being shorter and more compact made a huge difference in terms of implied rhythmic cadence and “flow”, but Adverse’s visual imagery and storytelling shone here by doing something his opponent didn’t really - so while Adverse maybe lost out in the area of flow itself, he counters that two-fold by doubling his advantage in terms of visual imagery and storytelling. It presented a huge gap between the two, both stylistically and in their execution, and that for me was a huge deciding factor on this one. You can call it personal preference if you wish, but overall I just felt Adverse was the better of the two in more crucial areas of writing I look for this week.

[Master Rock]

Vote: Adverse.

Peep vid for details.

[Master Rock]

Up.

[evaD]

Adverse i liked the way you told the story and it fitted the pic perfectly, but the lines were a little overstretched which took away from it a bit. In comparison Mr J’s read smoothly with a nice rhythm to it but the content just seemed almost like train of thought randomness which didn’t really work for me. If you could combine the two verses it’d be perfect. But adverse takes it with better handling of the topic.

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