Time heals, my love

[Objective]

I walk through your mirror blindly,
it's how I see you, now...
come and find me.
...
We'll live each error, glitch, mind numbing simple tricks
and grind fun till something stick.
Wine, rum, mystic hits, just let pain come,
I'll hold your sadistic hips to the rhythm of what we escape from.
I view nature and humans as fate that's construed to chained love,
like fabled greek mysteries and what freak prophecies are made of.
Let's debate what hate does, besides enrage us,
just to keep emotions caged in a box craving for weight loss.
Stop fighting, except for what age must.
Put color to memories of grey dust.
Fractured heartstrings with out of position arteries,
blood pumped to new veins behind definitions of what "partner" means.
Geared up in freedom wings' starter kit
and fearmongering in a state of marvelous,
only to go online and market it for likes.
highlight reel the great star in us, publicly!
Attraction to compassion is dark as shit; pay ugly fees.
Vocalize what's right till' positives are starving it for life with subtleties.
Yet,
I'm hardened for this fight.
Together, forged in swords,
it's wielded by our Might
that's ordered to be mourned,
but, no...
It's a different sky tonight,
and we're walking through the
corridor
to open doors on either side.
That's the secret to what coping is,
but if there's hope in this,
I lied...

[big baby]

suck thx

[Objective]

Originally Posted by big baby

suck thx

Right now I'm not writing for anyone, this is pure unedited venting

And you're good, but I'm not going to be a clone of anyone, so don't expect me to follow your lead in writing any time soon

[Adverse]

It’s cool not to be writing for anyone but yourself but when you post a verse for an audience to read keep that in mind. Your writing seems very layered and each bar has a deeper meaning, which is awesome but at the same time confusing for us as readers. What I understood was cool though the imagery was nice at times and the metaphors were beautiful. Idk if you listen to Charles Hamilton but he had a period where his music was akin to what you’re writing. Cool comparison.

My favorite bit:
“Wine, rum, mystic hits, just let pain come,
I'll hold your sadistic hips to the rhythm of what we escape from.
I view nature and humans as fate that's construed to chained love,
like fabled greek mysteries and what freak prophecies are made of.”

[Universe]

Originally Posted by big baby

suck thx

Stfu.

Objective, this was dope man. Felt in every way. When you fire on all cylinders, your imagery rivals the best on here.

Stay positive and keep the momentum going.

[big baby]

Originally Posted by Objective

Right now I'm not writing for anyone, this is pure unedited venting

And you're good, but I'm not going to be a clone of anyone, so don't expect me to follow your lead in writing any time soon

u fucka wan fite beb?

[Eŋg]

your phrasing has somewhat improved, and the writing from a purely mechanical perspective is tighter. but there's more to writing. the tone of this piece seemed a bit awry in of itself, and i mean beyond the fairly obvious structural shift two thirds of the way down. that said:

I'll hold your sadistic hips to the rhythm of what we escape from.
I view nature and humans as fate that's construed to chained love,
like fabled greek mysteries and what freak prophecies are made of.

i wonder if your meaning or sentiment here actually resonates... with you? much less me. it feels a bit like something to say because it sounds tidy, or fits into this presupposed box of what writing is/should be on these forums. take sources of inspiration, from as many places as you can, but use it to help find (not lose) yourself in the process. parts of this felt a bit rote.

you're generally going to grow more from constructive criticisms than lavish praise. if my friend is gassing me up constantly he isn't a friend but a sycophant. not just you, rule of thumb. keep writing.

[Objective]

Originally Posted by Eŋg

keep writing.

I really appreciate coming back to this well thought out constructive critique. I've been kind of out of it lately so haven't written anything but have been thinking a lot about my pieces thematically. I've focused on specific emotions or situations, wanting it to be raw/literal but also open for interpretation. I just do it in a not so digestible fashion and won't hit as many unless I tie it to something. I've tried too hard cutting out the last part but I think it has been a dumb move tbh.

I keyed a concept/piece on my phone that I'm going to edit. Would appreciate your input on it when the time comes to post it.

Thanks for the feed/read guys, and yes @big baby. we fite, with forks and spoons at midnight by the broken down church