11-10-2020, 03:19 AM | #1 |
living
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cardboard/consequence
it took me
years to sort through boxes where we stored our belongings. stories exhausted normal nonsense. toys, portrait composites cracks along the drywall of our bedroom and office sketch a tale of 2 cooperative hostages. caught in a mindset it all ends with a buzz. said she was bored of withdrawing cookie crumbled and my fortune expired, according to china orbiting higher. bloodshot warrior's eyelid his piano playing sadly in Euphoria minor tortured writer trope, a closet full of disguises with a heart of gold disabled in this broken device hooded hippie heretic on hopeless horizons glazing over paragraphs while searching for silence asking, can the algorithm code me a conscience coaxial fibers floating in my lower esophagus stormy island. gorgeous apartment sorting through boxes birthday cards, paraphernalia, promises exchanged in innocent honesty our language was a mixture of toxin whiskey tonic. symptom vs. pharma. waiting to fix plucking at our veins cause they're collapsing again growing long in tooth and full of mucous and spit lost inside his thoughts, reimagining shit junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon save our napkins full of caricatures half asleep and very concerned all we've done is argue who's behavior is worse therapy church community workshop questioning choices i think we saved our game so many times the levels are pointless so who do we call? when all our heroes have fallen all our parents are fossils and all the liquor is gone its been tough. please forgive me for all of it i'm only a consequence take care
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Zack Wicks for president |
11-10-2020, 05:19 AM | #2 |
consults Lloyd
Join Date: Aug 2013
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11-15-2020, 10:49 AM | #3 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
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Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
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- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
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my least fav part was dulls quoted section but that's why i love him
will be back |
12-10-2020, 12:37 AM | #4 |
Banned
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Was a bit terse and harsh with my feed on a previous piece of yours.
So let's give it another shot. And for the record, @big baby, if I tell dead man there are "rhyme droughts", or "this isn't as good as your usual"--it's all in relation to his previous works. You peg me as a simpleton for end rhymes, when in reality, I've read a lot of dead man. Anyways, dm, wish I had your knack for "tone" and descriptions. Trying to write something now for a contest and it just misses the meat on the bones that you bring (and brought in this one). Now, could I post 3 paragraphs asking you WHY you're breaking the line at a particular place (particularly in the beginning)? Sure, I could. But I won't. I'll just try to stick to the content and trust there was a reason you did it. it took me years to sort through boxes where we stored our belongings. stories exhausted normal nonsense. toys, portrait composites Good opening. good RHYMES. tortured writer trope, a closet full of disguises Good line. Says a lot with so little. hooded hippie heretic on hopeless horizons You know I wouldn't miss this alliteration. birthday cards, paraphernalia, promises exchanged in innocent honesty A lot of your verses are packed with...nostalgia, for lack of a better term. our language was a mixture of toxin whiskey tonic. symptom vs. pharma. waiting to fix plucking at our veins cause they're collapsing again growing long in tooth and full of mucous and spit lost inside his thoughts, reimagining shit junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon Some heavy heroin vibes here. save our napkins full of caricatures half asleep and very concerned i like the rhyme so who do we call? when all our heroes have fallen A common trope in some of your pieces. Heroes have fallen, heroes are dead. all our parents are fossils and all the liquor is gone its been tough. please forgive me for all of it i'm only a consequence Ending is somewhat abrupt. I don't know what I expected though. Again, I'd just like to express that I'm impressed with your tone and descriptions. Some day we'll talk about line breaks. I quoted a bunch of this verse but not all of it, that's not a reflection on the parts that weren't quoted. I was just pressed for time and typing this up. Will read the next one. Have a good day |
01-22-2021, 05:51 AM | #5 |
Steel Cut
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Cadence was very distinct and on point in this one. The way you structure verses now is so much more natural and fluid now. Really liked the hooded hippie heretic couplet and the "saved the game so many times" line.
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You should be water |
03-13-2021, 09:40 AM | #6 |
White Earl
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Your my favorite
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-A.bove T.he R.est |
03-14-2021, 11:03 PM | #7 |
living
Join Date: Jan 2013
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no u
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Zack Wicks for president |
03-14-2021, 11:48 PM | #8 |
White Earl
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Real talk.
This bar was lol and dope af imo. Whole thing is one giant qoute obv. Cause thats how the dead roll.. but i really liked this.. cookie crumbled and my fortune expired, according to china Your the man D. If your ever interesting in another collab. Maybe send me something? Ive been wanting to write but the only thing at this point that will provoke me is a collab with you. No pressure lol. Pz bruh
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-A.bove T.he R.est |
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