WEEK 5 MAG: THIS IS DAVE’S LEAGUE

[UPN Zuch]

Week 5 Mag






Intro

Well, another week in the books. We are entering week 5 and I would like to go over some pros and cons from the league so far.



PROS

Nobody is really bitching
Playoff algorithm seems balanced
Hella talent
93% show rate
Voting is at an all-time high
Some of the best writing in years
Novice writers are getting better each week
League is growing in numbers every week
Mags are on time
Some GREAT matchups




Cons

Not a god damn thing





Thank you to EVERYONE that has participated so far. Text is back, for now.

Some things I would like to touch on this week.


Dave is on an absolute rampage. Pic league runner up. Winner of Show n Prove tourney. Is beating notable names. He had the best verse of the week this week, and has the number 1 punch three weeks in a row. Also a terribly nice guy. This is Dave’s league right now. Never have I seen someone’s wording improve this drastically. Until I can prove Ajax has been writing his verses, he stands on top.

Orc is here. Seems to be to stay. He has shown back to back weeks which is an all-time high for him. Great talent to have around.


Did somebody say Resin? Resin has been around so long, he once predicted the fate of the twin towers in a verse against Rygar in 99. He is still spitting flames as seen in his verse last week. Absolute maniac that has entered the league late, but will sniff a champ match at some point. Welcome back, gray bush.

Ajax is still signed out, but the JD himself will hopefully be back next week.

Wanderer is in a Contender match. Had his hands full against an undefeated Blue. Congrats on the come up, Wand.

Adverse is 3-1 and hitting on all angles.

Universe has decided to stay in the league after I DQed him last week. He is the most dangerous 1-3 head in the league. I expec a playoff push.

Destroyer, is one week away from a contender match at 3-1.

Cred is back baby. One of my favorite writers.

User will try to get revenge against Hush this week. Looking forward to that.

Mac is back this week, as well.

Allen Knight is back to come up on his slow start. Legendary writer.



This week in the mag we have:

Top 10 punches
Verse of the week
UPN/NC THROWBACKS
Previews
Reviews
Power Rankings
True Rankings
No Show Heat



So enjoy the mag and let’s go for 100% show rate this week! Thanks guys!


Verse of the week

Dave VS User

Where do I begin?

Well Just For starters, I Oughta be ranked above you
Just For starters you Oughta beef shank w/ mushrooms, sheep flank, beans, ham and enough steamed clams to feed three fams when they come through
So I phoned in my battle last week but it didn’t matter cuz i’m elite
Last time User phoned it in Door Dash had to scramble the entire fleet
I had a concept about your sex life, but I couldn’t word or make it function
It had too many moving parts... just like girls before you drug them
My guy is more than just a fat dude, so don’t just snigger at his bulk
Foreal. This man has layers. You can see them jiggle when he walks
Can’t miss him on the sidewalk, Pull up and point the glock in his direction
You’ll see a red light over amber but I won’t stop til he’s intersections
I take revolvers out on play dates, You don’t wanna see me triggered
If user loading up Trey eight hes approaching the end of his TV dinner
Join a gym bro, your whole life is at stake
Last time he performed concentration curls he was only icing a cake
Girls love a German whip; if I dip in the BM,I stay with a great shorty
You don’t own a car. Plus A dip in your BMI is the only way you’ll make 40



No Show Heat

Cred VS King



Fuck u and ur set, get stetched if I catch u grippin the metal
King u'll get wet from the Pump on ur block like u lived in the ghetto
Roll w/ a demon that'll put ur soul in the air. This clip's like voodoo
Chopper on sum Windex shit.. bitch I'm Sprayin til I cud see right thru u
& His hoe built like a stallion.. Callin me to smash her everyday
I'm out here dunkin more balls in that bubble than this seasons NBA
30 to ur chest n spine. Relinquish a spirit wen bullets wreck his mind
I'm a shoot til u dead wit mine. Red light shine over ur head.. Exit sign
Known to let the best spray. Hit the cut n dump wit Tecs n SK's
Ambush style. U gettin rounds on each side of ur body like u ridin a segway
Even if u tried skippin towns we around wit shit that sound like bombs. Crazy!
Bitch Idgaf wya.. I'm lettin bullets fly thru the snow or the heat like Tom Brady



UPN vs NC Throwbacks




Summer Classic semi-finals

Zuch VS Cashius

Real quick..

Cashius? Like Clay, the similarities might seem crazy
Put a pen in either of these guys hands and things will get REAL shaky
We know that you’re Amish, my crew in fact can back the promise
If Cash is in a cabinet of great writers, he’s putting the lacquer on it
Same concepts, same style, this guy sadly takes form
I get it, it’s hard to go against the grain when your whole family makes corn
My Colt 45? chamber full, it gets bloody
Your Colt 45, and is starting to have trouble pulling the buggy
Your worth had been sealed when your mom caught work and then peeled
You were born to a maize, for real that bitch gave birth in the fields
I stay with that ish, my guns are still aiming tight
You stay with that Ish, you met him on a farmer dating site
Needed luck just to fit in, the irony I fuck with is gifted
you’re a HOFer? two weeks ago I bodied the guy who inducted you in it
This is Ozark, I'm in his office sparkin the dummies
When these Byrds leave Cash all over the books they won’t be laundering money
As a bartender I can tell your girl ain’t the choosiest whore
Only took me two shots to make her a ho like she’s losing at Horse
Circle of life, can’t get the clowning past me
you were born in a barn, same one Jebediah put a horse down in last week
How fast will I beat you? My word is bond
I’d say ‘two shakes of a lambs tail’, but that would probably turn you on



Resin MIC VS Mr. Sinister, 2001


Aiyyo
What a beautiful pair black & white makes fo ya funeral wear
As I endlessly run circles around you like deaf kids playing musical chairs
It’s a mutual scare… and I’ve deported this maggot
Your position in Latitude is 47 degrees, West, borderline faggot!
Orderin havoc… til I smelt shit… & your the face to that set
Even Johnny Cochran can’t help you solve your awful case of bad breath
You’ve laced your last step- Soul KILLED u & u can’t relinquish this
Everyone said u were dope, til they realized u weren’t Relentless Fists
Make selective hits… til there’s no need to hit em again
Shiiiiiit… …even a 10 second confession can get rid of a Sin
He’s ridden in wins- plus ya bitter shit left you hopeless, Fists
You take being a poor sport into new levels of homelessness
I won’t miss this- so sit down when mah-pen-hits
I’ll put your organs in a book… then rip out the appendix
Won 2nd place in UAC… but no one’s got your back, see
Cuz nobody wants a runner-up… unless one fell in a track meet
…you’ve drank to rid worries, but last night’s antics-was-rude
The Chip on your shoulder, disappeared after HE took advantage of you
So if your out-to-try, jerk… don’t do it now-when-I, merk
Cuz a 1-2 combo… requires you to learn how to count that high first
Stupid!





WEEK 4 Mag 5 Reviews
***by my beautiful, incredible wife queen zuch*



*I hope I do not disappoint anyone this week. I hope I still make everyone laugh, I hope everyone enjoys the reviews, and I truly hope everyone continues to want me to do them every week. I look forward to doing them and I love reading what everyone brings. It’s one of the best parts of my day, and Zuch and I make little date nights out of them. If I did end up disappointing anyone, I had a really busy week and I did my best. I love you all and thank you for being so supportive of me, so supportive of Zuch and I. I also want to point out, I say nothing to offend anyone. I have a weird sense of humor and I also am just giving my opinion. I noticed Barc signed out and I hope he did not do that because of me. I hope I offend no one else. I love you all!*




HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM RUDGE 2!!!!!!!!!!


*************
*************WEEK 4 Battle Reviews
**Rating Chart: (out of 5) <3 = 1 pt / $ = 0.5 pt
*******BLOW ME OUT OF THE PARK BOYS!!!

TOP iLL vs Hush (Victor): <3<3<3<3<3 5/5
*calls 911*
“hello, what is your emergency?”
“hello, yes, is this 911? we have a problem. I’m over at the netcee inc corporate building and we need you to send over your best firefighting crew yet! you’ll never believe what happened!!!”
“miss, calm down. explain to me rationally.” “okay, the sexiest textcee pro, and the worlds biggest weed dealer ... they ... they battled. now instead of 9/11, it’s like worse than that ... worse than 2020, the fire is 100/100!!!”
“wait miss, the men that battled, are they Top iLL and Hush?”
“Yes?”
“YOU SHOULD’VE SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING! We tried to put the fire out but it was so big it burned all of our men to the fourth degree, they are pieces of toast now. We have no crew. You’re on your own dear.” UNBIASED, to me, this was the battle royale! The battle of the week, in my opinion, was this one. HOT HOT HOT. I tried to get the fire hydrant ready to put this out, but the battle was so hot it set the hydrant on fire. I clicked on this battle and my fire alarm went off, baby woke up and everything. Unbelievably hot, this one.
TOP: Roses are red, I only have one desire. It’s to fuck and suck and handcuff TOP iLL, the man that always brings the fire. You’re full of wordplay, and lots of hot bars. Your delivery is smoother than mine on the 15th of June, your concepts are out of this world, like you wrote them on Mars. Top, are you a campfire? Because you sure are hot, and I want s’more? Maybe you’re a magnet, because you are attracting me over here. Anyways, per usual, you came with absolute heat, and that’s an unbiased remark. Your girl absolutely loved how you dropped as Zuch with no alias needed, that was badassery. I felt like I was watching a Brad Pitt movie when I saw that shit. Opener had me dying, and Mag bar/couldn’t walk a mile in her shoes had me turning in my grave bro. The humor that you bring to the table sets the bar so high for others, and I haven’t seen a single person trump you in the humor aspect yet. I can always count on you to impress me and make me laugh. I think the line “you’re a tiny man, hush” either should have been elaborated on some more, or taken out because it didn’t flow into the next bar as smooth as I know you have the skill to do. I absolutely loved superior mod bar, but the only reason I felt like it sounded like it was worded oddly is because of the random tiny man hush line. I jaw dropped, like I was ready to suck that fat cock, at the illegal citizenship bar. SHIT, that one burned bad. Miscarriage bar killed the whole battle, I felt like that single bar stole the show and took the cake. I almost peed myself reading that badass line. Per usual, you came with nothing but a winning, fire verse. All impressive shit. Humor and great concepts, smooth delivery, fantastic wordplay. You blew me out of the park, and had incredible blows. I also can vouch for you to say it was done in ten minutes. I’m so proud to be marrying a man that is so talented at textcee battles. I’m the luckiest woman alive!
Hush: Your verse was DOPE amigo (not weed dope, but legit dope.) I don’t think there is a single man on this earth that can go up against Top/Zuch and make it look easy, except for you. You are the only exception to someone who can go up against him and almost win. That was a close call my friend. You are absolutely talented. I’ve always loved your writing. You bring humor to the table, just like Zuch and your flow is smoother than grandmama’s butter. It spreads like my legs when I see Zuch. Your opener was pure FLAMES, like pouring gasoline on a match. This was a fucking MATCH. I love seeing a same weight class type of battle. Ja feel? Ja feel. Anyways your opener by the way was legit, because Zuch doesn’t do shit except sit there and look pretty while the baby pukes on me lol. Opener was my favorite. Biting yourself bar had me rolling in tears, his memory is absolute shit and I died when I found out he recycled. At least he’s for a clean earth right? lol. Wannabe lines straight fire, it’s true. He has shrines up in our bedroom of UPN legends, he chants to them every night? fucking weird. Hush, you’re smooth, consistent, witty, and hilarious. Hush, that verse was a banger. You brought the guns, you weren’t playing around. You shot Zuch right up. Props to you for going up against a king and straight slayin the man.
Overall: To me, this was a hot ass battle. Battle of the week, for sure. I loved seeing two of the best on the site go up against each other and bring their a game. Both, Zuch and Hush, have a beautiful delivery, and a smooth flow. Both are consistent, witty, and humorous with a role model type of wordplay. Unbiased though, I felt Zuch had more mean shots. I felt he took shots that hit more close to home than Hush. I felt like some of Hush’s weren’t as strong and not has factual. I really loved this battle though. I really love seeing talent, and Hush you brought it. It was too close of a call, I’m going to have to give both of these kings the crown. Nice job gentlemen!


Orc vs John Hensley: <3<3<3<3$ 4.5/5
Someone call 911, turn off the smoke alarm, this shit was hottttt! Okay, okay I see you two. I loved the idea of doing a pic battle, unique. I love to see something different in the league, and it also is nice to understand verses better when I can see myself what someone looks like. This was a really good battle, I’m always up for an Orc verse, as besides Zuch, he’s one of my favorites on here. I haven’t ever seen a Hensley verse, but he’s a perfect matchup. You know how to bring it John. Let’s see if you were able to top Orc though, not many people can.
Orc: First of all, I’d like to know where you’re at in that pic so I can make Zuch go with me. Second of all, you already know this but you are one of my favorites on the site, and definitely one of the best on the site. You’re a hard man to beat. Opener is important, and yours trashed Hensley all the way. Forfeit, game over. Hensley, exit the game, Orc come to your throne. All that went through my mind after I read the opener, I said should I even finish? Is this even fair? I’m glad I continued to read, because I was leanin even more with every bar. Gabriel Iglesias bar was like molly, had me going up to my roof naked about to jump off and just end it all it was go hot. Campaigning for Change, was a straight killa. Stimulus Check, and closer were just as fire. You had a KO kind of verse and I’m surprised anyone would show up against that. Your flow and delivery and punches are always incredible. I always love to see an Orc verse. Nice job.
J. Hensley: I was super excited to read a verse of yours. Zuch has told me a lot about you, all good things, and I love being able to read someone new verse and decide how I feel about them. It’s awesome being introduced to new people, and if you came from UPN, I’m sure you’re incredible. I’m so happy because I was incredibly impressed, and not disappointed at all, with your verse. Strong ass fire punches and a beautiful, waterfall calming of a flow. Delivery was prime, AMAZON prime. (and you weren’t even the one with a nature type of background.) Orc is one of my favorite writers on the site, and to see someone as talented as you go up against him, made it really difficult for me to pick a winner. Opener and closer were beautiful, I love when the opener and closer are a perfect score. Closer may have actually been my favorite. Solid verse, for sure. Nice job and I hope to see more of your writing, and I hope to see you come back next week.
Overall: This battle was another hot in need of the fire department water. So hot, I needed water, I got so sweaty. I always love an Orc verse and I loved being introduced to Hensley, it’s always nice to see more talent in the group. Although it was a close call boys, I will have to go with my overall top pick of Orc. I only say this because I believe Orc stayed consistent with his wit and flow throughout the entire verse, and I felt Hensley fell off a little at the end, but did revive himself with the closer. Congrats to both of you gentlemen, you are both incredible writers. Can’t wait to see what you bring to the table next week.

iSpaz vs Blue: <3<3<3$ 3.5/5
Overall, a pretty decent battle. iSpaz, you were new to me when the league first started. You didn’t start off as my top favorite, but I definitely could see your talent as a writer from the very beginning. Each week you continue to impress me and progressively get better and better and I end up enjoying your writing more and more. Blue, you have always been in my top 5 favorite and best contenders and you always come dressed to impress. Your verses are not dressed with shitty little poppyseeds or thousand islands, your verses are dressed with vinaigrette’s. I was excited to see this battle because I wanted to see the improvement from iSpaz, and I was eager to read the shots towards each other. Overall, pretty decent.
iSpaz: Like I said, you are fairly new to me, but you continue to impress me each week.


You are extremely creative, and you’re starting to showcase that more and more in each verse you bring. Easter egg bar was creative and different, I loved the wording on that and the different take you had. Game of twister bar was absolutely hilarious. I could just picture that and I fell out of my chair. (Will send you the bill for my broken leg.) Mermaid bar may have been the best. I love your improvement spaz. When I first started getting to know your writing it was primarily gun bars with a lack of wit, consistency, and humor. Everything is there now. Everything has continued to improve. Props to you! I look forward to seeing more flames next week!
Blue: Hey purple what’s up? How’s the golf game going? What’s your handicap? Anyway, per usual you burned the house down. Opener and closer were both hella fresh. I always love to see a good verse from you, red. Apple bar was dope, Girls pussy/doll pokes bar HAD ME IN ASHES IN THE GROUND. I died, was burned, in the ground, and magically came back to life after that one, shit. Best bar by far. Listen orange, you could be a counselor on the site to other writers. You have a rare skill, that you and Zuch seem to share and I don’t know where it comes from but it is admirable. You keep doing you, and let’s plan a double date soon. You and Zuch can spit verses out of thin air at the restaurant or some shit. Loved your work, green! Can’t wait to see who you beat next week.
Overall: Shockingly this ended up being a really good battle. iSpaz, I only say this because Yellow over there tends to beat almost everyone he’s up against, and after you read a verse like his, it’s hard to come with anything even close to his skill. I really notice your improvement and I appreciate all the work you’ve put in, it’s definitely paying off. Something different from those old ass dusty gun bars is so nice. In the end, I’m going to have to hand this over to Blue though. iSpaz, you did great but Pink had a couple more mean shots and had a smoother flow and delivery. But, keep doing what you’re doing and working hard! It’s paying off gentlemen, until next week!

Eviction vs FGR: <3<3<3 3/5
Decent battle, I’m newer to both of you guys, but you both have a lot of skill in writing. FGR, aren’t you the guy with the bunny? The construction guy in the long full body mirror? Not that it matters, lol. You kind of remind me of Jonah Hill in 21 jumpstreet, not so slim shady ja feel? lol. (That is not to offend you.) This was a very aggressive battle and I felt like both of you guys were ready to do a drive by on one another.
Eviction: I think you had great concepts and humorous ideas, but your delivery was a little off to me. I think you need to work on delivery, wording, and playing with your concepts more (turn them on a little bit, foreplay goes a longgggg way. trust me you gotta preheat the oven if you know what I mean, you gotta rev up the ole bike before you park it back in the garage. gotta sharpen that ole pencil before you start writin.) You do those three magical things and boy, you’ll be a winning. Aggressive man, you are. I could feel the tension. I felt like I was being body slammed with every bar. But at the same time, the punches lacked strength. Bodied fucker was tight, and I can feel your energy. Just a couple of things to work on.
FGR: (Okay not so slim shady/Jonah hill from 21 jumpstreet.) What the fuck is up man? what does FGR stand for? I’m curious? Fucking Girl’s Rumps? I don’t know, anyways. I could feel the aggression built up in your verse as well. I felt like you were breaking my bones with every line. Opener was super funny and clever, wording could be played with a little at the beginning, but hilarious starter. Jib Jab bar reminded me of em from 8 mile, the cockiness and the attitude was amazing. I love when people bring that to the table. Eva bitch was clever, the wording on that had me jaw dropping like SHIITTT. I see where you were going with your closer, but I also think the important thing about a closer is to bring closure between the verse and the reader and I didn’t feel that. It almost felt unfinished. A couple of things to take notes on to fix: play with wording, concepts, flow/delivery. Other than that you have excellent talent and I love where you’re attempting to take this.
Overall: I think this was an excellent pair up because you both have similar things to work on, and you also both have a similar way of writing with a lot of aggression. Work on creativity too my dudes. If you add a little creativity, humor, and maybe more personals, it will go along way and you’ll go for the title for sure. In the end, I am going to have to pick someone and that’s going to FGR. FGR didn’t have as many misses and his style isn’t as generic. He didn’t have as many basic punches as Evic, and there was a more of a creative aspect. Good job to the both of you though, this was a great match up. I hope to see more from you both next week and I also hope to see some hella improvement.

Username vs Dave: <3<3<3<3<3 5/5
Hi Username/Tony! I miss you! I made the wallpaper in Matt’s man cave the pic of you in a bikini top. That pic is hotter than any battle there is. He loves it. He’s always in there alone at a certain time of the day with one of those Costco size Jergens. When he comes out he immediately washes his hands and I have to throw away a bunch of tissues. Weird ritual, huh? I thought you might know something about it. lol, anyways (I always joke about Zuch everyone, btw) this was a fucking fire battle guys! Besides Zuch and Hush, this was definitely the best battle this week. What a fucking PAIR UP. You both are in my top 5 favorite writers. I could not believe my eyes when I saw you two against each other. When I read the verses, I called the insurance company because our house burned down and we had to get packing. You both blew me away, that’s what she said.
Username: You kept it juicy bro. Now juicy jamie is here to steal the show with reviews. Okay, your prelim, the British are coming was out of this world. The humor you bring is unlike any other humor that anyone brings. It’s refreshing and you always keep me laughing for days. My ribs have heart attacks from you. I love the opener and the closer, B-E-A-UTIFUL. Sean McVay, British Slang, Dentists, Russ, Trident bar, the whole verse had me sweating like Matt when he comes out of his man cave from staring at you. It was 190 degrees up in this bitch after this verse. You made baby Jamie proud by absolutely destroying the brit. Username, you’re absolutely hilarious and super creative, which is always the best part and main points of your verses. Your delivery, flow, wit, and wording is so smooth, you’re at an expert level my friend. You’ve always got the best shit in store, I’m so proud of you.
Dave: User and yourself are in my top 5 favorite, so best believe this was the hottest battle ever. You did not disappoint last week, but it definitely wasn’t what you normally bring to the table. This week you brought the whole meal, desert included, and I know why you did it, just for user. Humor was all there, I replaced both of my rib cages after reading your verse. I had to replace my lungs too, it was like I had been smoking the cig for 85 years. I wouldn’t have been able to top your opener, beef shank and mushrooms just topped it all off. Door Dash, Sex Life, Icing Curls all about knocked me over dead. Seriously guys, is that your goal? Do you guys write just to put me in my death bed? Did Zuch put you guys up to this? Dave, absolutely loved your verse this week, per usual. You did nothing but impress. The way you did nothing but make me laugh the entire way through. Your consistency and delivery on the fat jokes made it where they weren’t so overused and repetitive, and they came off as actually clever and refreshing, which is not easy to do. Although, I did not enjoy how you switched over to gun bars towards the end. Those are overplayed and boring. They are not funny to me, and they cause a loss of value in the verse. I think you should’ve stuck to the original humor and fat jokes and kicked the gun bars to the curb.
Overall: Shit, just like Hush and Zuch, this was a tough ass battle. Such a close call my friends. You two are honestly in my top 5 faves. You both are extremely talented and you never disappoint. You both GO BIG so much I don’t feel like you even have a home to go to. I lost sleep over this battle. User was smooth, calm, collected and hilarious. He was not repetitive and didn’t use any overplayed concepts. I was sure he was going to take the cake and eat it too. Plus we’re friends and he is my maid of honor in my wedding to Zuch. But, then Dave slid in so easily like a wet sloppy puss and through so much heat towards User, that I got hot and sweaty. I was vibing his whole verse until the end where he decided to randomly throw in some gun bars. GENTLEMEN PSA: LEAVE THE GUN BARS AT HOME. THEY DONT DO SHIT EXCEPT FOR CAUSE A LOSS OF VALUE ON YOUR VERSE.
I truly don’t think I can choose a winner. I would say user all the way because he did not disappoint once, it was a perfect 100 verse and Dave lost points with the gun bars, but on the other hand, Dave had stronger heat punches. I only live to see both of your verses every week and I’m going to have to tie this bitch for now.


Wanderer vs Mod of War: <3<3$ 2.5/5
Alright battle but nothing that stuck out to me personally. There was some fire from both ends, but the extinguisher was able to put it out, so it wasn’t as hot as I thought. I do think you both are talented though, and you did bring some laughter (in a good way to the table.) Just because the battle wasn’t strong, doesn’t mean that the verses weren’t.**
Mod of War: Prelims are always funny and nice to have, I thought PREPARE TO DIE, was a tad bit too cheesy but it was a nice touch, I’ll give you that. Opener was weakkkk in my opinion, as weak as wanderers arms, so I guess you had wiggle room for weak shit. I think you’re talented and that you do have refreshing ideas. I see where you’re trying to come up with fire concepts. I noticed you trying to play around with the wording a bit, but you definitely need work. The delivery is not as smooth as it could be, and I thought of a couple better concepts than the ones you had. There is a lack of wordplay and cleverness to this verse, and the humor is dry. Huge lack of consistency too, I felt like you jumped from one concept to the next, zero flow. I’m not trying to be mean or shit on your entire verse. Like I said, the talent is there and you are definitely trying, you just need work. Sometimes you come with a dud of a verse and have to take the L. All I know is, you’re talented so practice more. But as for this week, the only thing on fire about this verse was me using it in my fireplace. (I hope I didn’t offend you lol)
Wanderer: Opener was TIGHT. Hella fresh and hella tight. Clowning, ghost, alias, and your closer were all enough to send your man Zelph packing. You were a straight GOD in this one Wanderer. Zelph better stop, drop and roll when he sees you, because you killed his shit and stomped on the ashes. You keep improving every week, and you have pure skills. I love your word play, and how you word all of your concepts. I think that’s your top talent. Your consistency and delivery is persistent and you had a refreshing way of humoring me the entire time. Although whenever I read something of yours, I think of you taking shots of cum in a where’s Waldo shirt with crack head arms because of your pics in the pic battle, you really do come with the heat. (I know from personal experience, drinking cum makes you have a way with your tongue.) Keep on bringing the heat and I’m going to change your name to Jimmy Butler.
Overall: Easily, Wanderer took the cake on this one. Continuing to improve every week, and having a strong verse with only weak arms, and can handle my jokes. Mod of War, you definitely have talent, but you have some work to do. I’d love to see what you can bring next week. Play around with the wording a little bit! Nice job gentlemen, and I’m sorry to wanderer for being personally victimized by miss jamie zasucha. I don’t love your ability to take a joke though!

Aero vs Spree: <3<3<3 3/5
You guys are both extremely talented. Aero never needs much to steal a win, and spree always creative. I love the screenshots Spree used, always love the extra humor and a little fun battle. Let’s see how hot this battle was and how well you both did.
Aero: I’ve seen better from you, but you brought the humor and made me laugh like always, which is important. So many guys use fucking the other ones girl, that it can come off as dry and overplayed, but you somehow find a way to still make it a little creative. You delivery well and it completely steers direction into a win. Your style and approach is always funny and laid back, and just a refreshing fun take on battles.
Spree: I liked how you added the screenshots from discord. A little bit of blackmail always helps. Things like that are fun, and always make a battle a little bit more interesting. But the verse was alright, not as funny as I’d like to see. Also, too much herp dick talk. I started to picture it there was so much, and I got sick. Nasties. You had a couple of strong punches, but the heat wasn’t there. You just repeatedly talked about his dick? Like how do you know what it looks like so well? Verse was too short to just be playing around with that concept. Not the worst I’ve seen this week, but you definitely have the talent to bring much better.
Overall: Aero made me laugh, like always. I love his creative touch and refreshing verse. Both gentlemen are extremely talented, but Aero was the GOAT here. There definitely wasn’t anything over the top special that I felt deserved to be quoted, but looking at both verses, Spree needs a little work. He’s also too talented to be coming with weak verses like the one he had this week. Good job to both boys, but this week Aero labels he throne as his own.

JaysonFresh vs INF: <3<3<3$ 3.5/5
Going to be honest, I scrolled down to quick and skimmed Dave’s vote for a second and totally agreed. There is definitely a style clash here between Jay and INF. You can’t control who is paired up, sometimes different styles and sometimes different weight classes, but it’s hard to judge a battle with two totally opposite verses. I’d like to give a round of applause to both of these guys though for lighting the dope verses up and reigning in the smoke.
JaysonFresh: You are newly introduced to me due to this league, and I think you’re very talented. You’ve even gotten much better each week, and I do enjoy your style. I don’t want to say anything to offend anyone but, I felt your opener was way too cheesy and that disappointed because the opener and closer is the most important to me. Your opener was so cheesy that it reminded me of a SoundCloud starter. I feel like you also need to work on personals. I felt ZERO punches towards INF, and correct me if I’m wrong but, I feel as if that’s the whole point of a battle. You have a different style, I understand, but I felt that this was a casual verse. You focused more on yourself and random shit, rather than bashing INF for who he is. I would focus on practicing personals for next week. I was disappointed this week Jay.
INF: INF, your style is definitely a little aggressive and dark, but you come with heat and it’s mad fire as fuck. Needed the extinguisher on this one. Opener was solid and funny as hell, and closer was perfect. A lot of political shit, don’t know if it’s because of the time of the year, but it was different, creative, and funny and you found a way to make it work. I have to be honest, sometimes I don’t always fully understand your verses, but I think you have a solid vibe and you stick to personals which is very important. Wicked fresh my dude.
Overall: JayFresh was JaySoiledMoldy this week because he delivered nothing except for dirty garbage. Work on personals and it’ll help you go a long way and leave the cheesiness at home. I am excited though to see what you bring next week and to see any improvement. INF brought the fire this week and stole the show.




Resin vs Brokenhal0: <3<3 2/5
Brokenhal0 keeps improving and I do love his talent, but Resin is one of the OG GOATS of Netcees. Resin is an end of the night fight and Brokenhal0 is getting there, but he’s a prelim. I’m excited to see such a differing weight class type of battle and see if there is any KO’s.
Brokenhal0: Disappointed and hurt bro. I hope one day you take my advice because it would go a long way for you. I’m only here to help, I’m not here to criticize and put you down. But dawg, every week it’s a no from me because you’re not taking advice. Your rhyme is whack and out of sorts. You lost your consistency at the very beginning. The concepts don’t make much sense at all, and I’m not feeling Jimmy Butler in here with the heat. There’s not Lebron. Kobe sure isn’t looking over you blessing you with heat either. It’s hard to make much sense of any of your verses, and there’s a lack of personals. If I took your verse to a pawn shop I would owe them money. Take me advice and work on personals, rhyming, consistency, humor, wit, creativity, wordplay, and delivery. Work hard, play hard this week and you might actually win next week.

Resin: THE OG GOAT OF THE SITE. It’s an honor to review you son, but I have to be honest, I helped Zuch with the pic battle of you in the Texas Roadhouse restaurant with the plaid shirt and that’s all I see when I think of you. Anyways, this wasn’t much of a battle because of your opponent. You’re style is beyond his, and you have everything he lacks. I wouldn’t give you one piece of advice of anything to work on, because you simply do not need it. (btw Zuch is a whore for you.) Opener made me laugh so hard I left the site and told Zuch I didn’t think I could do reviews anymore. I almost resigned from reviews. (I never will though, not in a million years.) You brought the MOTHERFUCKING FIRE ASS BUSINESS with GameStop and local business bars. I changed my pants because I laughed so hard I thought I peed them. I’m a huge fan of the humor you bring and your wording and delivery. I’m not a huge fan of the gun bars. I just think they lack a sense of creativity. They are overplayed with the writers on rap sites. I think they cause value deficiency in verses. Other than that, you broke his halo and sent that boy to hell.
Overall: Do I even have to say who won? Resin. The fire always RESINates with resin. Brokenhal0, I hope you take my advice next time. Good luck next week fellas.


Sinacog vs Shredder: no hearts 0/0
I’m not going to go into this or even try anymore. Sinacog, you have a tiny bit of talent, but you choose to not show it here or take my advice for some reason. You dropped straight shit and garbage. Shredder, you won because you’re not Sinacog, but I felt as if you were his Alias. Seriously guys, are you just trolls wasting everyone’s time or what?
Sinacog: It’s none of my business, but why are you so obsessed with drinking Semon? I’ve never seen any writing in my life like yours. The talent you have in writing is not meant for this site. If you took my advice, you might actually be able to win one. You’re actually starting to piss me off. I almost threw my own spawn at the wall reading this shit. I feel like you’re trolling. I might be the only person in the world that is nice to you and is trying to show you that I do see your refreshing talent, and your unique differences from everyone else. But, I am also trying to teach you how to win on this site and you take it like a joke. What the fuck was up with that opener? I’m not even going to try. You know what’s wrong with your verse, EVERYTHING. It’s going to hell. I just want to know why the fuck you’re always drinking Semon. I suck Zuchs dick every night and always swallow and you drink more Semon than me. Do you enjoy the thought of eating babies? The fuck is wrong with you. I’m done.
Shredder: I have to be honest, I was on to you at first. I had a theory that you were Sinacog’s alias because your writing is similar, you just recently joined, etc. You do have better punches than Sinacog, but that’s easy to do. Again, you have a unique style I have never seen before and for some reason it just reminds me of Sin. Everything made me laugh in all the wrong ways. Work on everything I’ve told Sinacog to work on and if you actually listen, unlike him, you might win because you’re good, not just because you went up against Sin.
Overall: Straight garbage. Convinced that Shredder is Sins alias and that he’s just trying to hop on the bandwagon for more attention. Hopefully shredder doesn’t disappoint me and actually takes me advice for next week. If I read one more line about drinking Semon, I’m hacking Netcees and burning the site down. Shredder only wins because there’s a small chance that he might not be Sin. Sinacog might go down in Netcees history for never taking a win. I don’t want to be mean, you both have talent, but you don’t take it seriously, and making a joke out of your own writing and wasting everyone’s time pisses me off. Although, props to Sinacog for adding in a couple of personals this week. Every little thing brings improvement.



Culture vs Allen/Chamber: <3<3<3<3<3 5/5
This battle made me feel like I needed to practice stopping, dropping, and rolling. I was dead ass rolling with laughter in a good way. I fucked with everything you both said, and it was too close of a call.
Culture: Opener, Closer, Southpark, Kid Fuckers, Robbed, Kevin, the entire verse shot everything out of the park. Pure humor and creativity with a beautiful delivery and flow. That’s hard to do. Everything was 10/10 about this verse, not a single thing wrong. Culture I hope you keep coming back every week, I’m already itching to see what you’ll bring next week.
Allen K/Chamber: Another solid and hilarious opener and closer from a god of a writer. Millions in the bank, superpowers, crackheads, entire verse just sent chills down my spine and killed me. Not an imperfection. Talent, beauty, creativity, and humor again all in one. This was a perfect battle from two newbies to me, you both are in my top ten favorites. Keep it coming, like Zuch keeps me cumming every night.
Overall: TIE. This is a record. Three ties in this week for miss Jamie. You both are incredible. I’m no psychic, but I can see you both becoming absolute top battlers on the site and I support both of your talented writings. Keep doing you!

Cred and Adverse, you both did incredible this week. I’m happy you both took the win and I know you both would’ve taken the win if the other guy would’ve shown up. I was so disappointed that I could not review you both this week, but we still have next week!
Universe, I beat the shit out of Zuch for disqualifying you. (Which really means we fucked, but still I was upset.) I’m so sorry I couldn’t honorably read your amazing work this week, but Destroyer did an amazing job at taking the win per usual.

Hottest Battles of the Week: Hush vs TOP , User vs Dave

Hottest Newbies: Allen and Culture

Hottest OGS: Hush, TOP, Blue, User, Dave, Destroyer, Resin, Aero

WHAT THE FUCK: Sinacog and Shredder






Much love to you all! Love, Mrs. Zasucha


Power Rankings

1. Dave 3-1

2. Zuch 4-0

3. Blue 4-0

4. Orc 3-0

5. Destroyer 3-1

6. Wanderer 3-1

7. Username 2-1

8. Adverse 3-1

9. Hush 2-1

10. Resin 2-0






Top 10 Punches



10.knock em all out. light a match & leave him and his crew to burn
then I stay close so I can witness the inevitable heat death of the universe - Destroyer vs Universe

9.Roll w/ a demon that'll put ur soul in the air. This clip's like voodoo
Chopper on sum Windex shit.. bitch I'm Sprayin til I cud see right thru u - Cred vs King

8.My style is Progressive. I’m the type to do bits
Your idea of Campaigning for Change is “please, bro. I got a wife & two kids” - Orc vs John Hensley

7.Child neglect for site respect .. dad prefers his txt habit instead
The most attention u gave ya son was hanging a nc bar over his head - Hush vs Zuch

6.Yeah I let my girl do a mag, Jamie thinks that learning is fun
Plus that shit had better reviews than literally any tourney you run
She put a lot of effort into it, worked hard, chick deserves it
You couldn’t walk a mile in her shoes, even though they’d fit you perfect - Zuch vs Hush


5.I’m mentioned as a born winner. u don’t create that shit.. it’s sad
Only thing u know about a name drop is failing under every alias u’ve had - Wanderer vs Mod of War

4.Got that .45 tucked. Waitin til the spot calm..
then it’s a Headshot.. ya blood goes so far back it can rival Ancestry.com.. Resin vs Brokenhal0



3.Already robbed u once.. u ain’t have a phone, a chain, or nickel
I’ve heard of traveling light but Einstein coulda wrote an equation with u - Culture vs Allen Knight

2.i attract pussy, no way this fella’s a magnet
iSpaz? looks like Apple finally developed a faggot - Blue Bayou vs iSpaz

1.Well Just For starters, I Oughta be ranked above you
Just For starters you Oughta beef shank w/ mushrooms, sheep flank, beans, ham and enough steamed clams to feed three fams when they come through - Dave vs UserName




Previews


Zuch 4-0 VS Dave 3-1
Championship Match

Let’s face it. Dave is the hottest right now. He gets a champ shot at 3-1 based on the verses he has written so far. He is 0-2 against Zuch, but Dave continues to get better so this one will be a killer. Zuch is yet to lose, after handling Hush last week, he is in for another huge test. Can’t call it, folks.

EVEN

Blue Bayou 4-0 VS Wanderer 3-1
Contendership Match

Another goodie. Blue Bayou is undefeated, and is matched up against a hot Wand. Wanderer is yet to beat Blue in several tries, but anything can happen. I expect both these guys to go all out in an attempt to get a title shot next week against either Zuch or Dave.

Blue Bayou -280



Scout 0-0 VS Inno 0-0

Scout has a couple verses floating around. Guy is pretty good from what I’ve seen. Inno I haven’t seen much from, but he’s well respected so I’m sure he will have a fire stick or two. Both of these guys are new to the league so we will see what they bring to the table.

Scout -120




Orc 3-0 VS Adverse 3-1

Orc is undefeated, and he goes up against one of the league surprises in Adverse. Adverse is over performing with some clever lines and has a real test this week. We know what to expect from Orc. He’s gonna bring humor and wit along with some heavy jabs. One of the leagues most consistent. This one will be good. I got Orc with the edge.

Orc -300

Cred 1-1 VS Mod of War 1-1

Cred is the pick here. Zelph literally used a de-feet bar last week and I’m convinced he’s trolling. I guess we will see. Cred had a very nice no-show verse last week, proving he is a force to be reckoned with. I got Cred here easily unless Zelph decides to actually write a verse and Cred gets killed in a drive-by.




Cred -800

Universe 1-3 VS Jayfresh 1-2

Like these two. Universe is another guy that can win any given week. Should be 2-2 but got DQed. He’s back for vengeance. Jay is a dope writer and if he shows up will probably have the edge. This is one of the closer battles this week.

Jayfresh -120

Culture 1-0 VS FGR 1-0

Second week for both of these guys. Culture had one of the best verses last week and I do not know who he is. FGR didn’t drop the best but was enough to get the W. I got Culture here with the edge unless FGR can drop some heat.

Culture -400

Kuality 0-0 VS kevinc 0-0

I know nothing about either of these guys. Sorry, I got nothing.

EVEN



Brokenhal0 0-3 VS Sinacog 0-3

Somebody had to win here. As long as hal0 shows up he will win easily. Sinacog is trash.

Brokenhal0 -1,000




Allen Knight 0-2 VS Dank 0-0

I know nothing about dank. Allen had a tough matchup last week against Culture. He dropped dope but it just wasn’t enough. This week he is primed to get his first W. I got him quite easily since I know nothing about Dank.

Allen Knight -500

Resin 2-0 VS INF 2-2

INF came off a huge win last week. He’s starting to find his stride and everything seems to be coming together for him lately. Resin is a top 3 writer at any time in any league. I will never pick against him, he is too creative and consistent for that. INF will have to bring his A game to hang here (no pun). I got Resin.

Resin -600

Bleak 0-0 VS hotdogvendorman 0-0

I remember Deon from RM I Think. He’s a good writer and new to the league. I’m not sure who Bleak is so it’s hard to predict this one. I’m gonna go Deon based on previous experience, although he may be rusty. We will see.

Deon -200

Mac 1-2 VS Aero 1-1

Aero is back again. Got his first W last week and is looking for another. Mac signed back in for some revenge. Mac is hot and cold but when he’s on he’s dangerous. Also not sure which Aero we will get this week, but he’s the favorite here.

Aero -160

Destroyer 3-1 VS iSpaz 1-2

Destroyer is one win away from a contender match, so I expect Heat this week. Spaz is a solid writer and by no means a pushover. Des should handle this one if he is himself. Looking for Spaz to be a problem going forward, though.

Destroyer -320






Username 2-1 vs Hush 2-1

Both of these guys are coming off of their first loss. They met before in a battle where Hush won by a slight margin. This one is battle of the week for me. Both are hungry and are going to bring fire, guaranteed. I can’t call a winner here we’re just gonna have to wait and see how it plays out.

EVEN

Shredder 1-0 VS Eviction 0-1

Shredder was pretty decent last week. Don’t know much about these guys though. I got Shredder slightly here.

Shredder -150



WEEK 5 TRUE RANKINGS




Zuch 4-0 (13.50) CHAMP MATCH
Blue Bayou 4-0 (12.50) CONTENDER MATCH
Dave 3-1 (12.25) CHAMP MATCH
Destroyer 3-1 (11.75)
Ajax 1-1 (11.75)
Hush 2-1 (11.58)
Wanderer 3-1 (11.25) CONTENDER MATCH
User 2-1 (10.91)
Orc 3-0 (10.58)
Mac 1-2 (10.58)
Adverse 3-1 (10.25)
iSpaz 1-2 (9.58)
Aero 1-1 (8.75)
Universe 1-3 (8.50)
Resin MIC 2-0 (8.25)
Cred 1-1 (7.25)
Barcotic 1-2 (7.25)
Mod of war 1-1 (6.25)
Sharp 2-2 (6.00)
Spree 2-2 (5.75)
INF 2-2 (5.50)
Jayfresh 1-2 (4.25)
Brokenhal0 0-3 (2.91)
Allen Knight 0-2 (2.75)
Sinacog 0-3 (2.25)



Shredder 1-0 N/A
FGR 1-0 N/A
ynoT 1-0 N/A
Eviction 0-1 N/A
King 0-1 N/A
Smash 0-1 N/A
Defiant 0-1 N/A
Slecht 0-1 N/A
Plot 0-1 N/A
Smash 0-1 N/A
Elfo 0-1 N/A
Unfukwitable 0-1 N/A
Ouch 0-2 N/A
Ryno 0-2 N/A








Outro


Thanks guys.

[Aero]

Not going to lie now that Jamie reviews battles I dont want any one else. Jamie I want to make you laugh this week hun I'm coming with fire.

[Sinacog]

Okay, I heard something was up in the leagues.

Good work all.

I was wondering if you could stop saying those things about my lyrics?

LOL!

It's propsperous.

Prosperous how GOOD they are!

You know why?

Because they're WACK AS FUCK! Aren't they.

HAHAHAHAH!

I put shredder in the shredder to get that PAPER. --

[Adverse]

Appreciate the work you all put into these, they’re fun and I anticipate them every time.

[iSpaz]

Mag is fire.. again.

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Sinacog

Okay, I heard something was up in the leagues.

Good work all.

I was wondering if you could stop saying those things about my lyrics?

LOL!

It's propsperous.

Prosperous how GOOD they are!

You know why?

Because they're WACK AS FUCK! Aren't they.

HAHAHAHAH!

I put shredder in the shredder to get that PAPER. --

Preposterous?

[Aero]

Looking forward to Hush v Username

[Smod of War]

Thank you for Mag

[Dank]

Jamie is THE MAN

[Orc]

Excellent mag, memes make these mags the best I ever read

Reviews were great too

To answer the question, the pic was taken at Carrantuohill, highest mountain in Ireland (not impressive)

[Eviction]

I came for the wolf of wall street meme.

good mag though.

[Scout]

I don't follow the memes with me in them. Am I being compared to someone?

This is a great read though, very well done again. Learning a lot

[Mac]

great stuff.. well done zuch. You're doing an awesome job. Jamie too

User is always on point with memes

[UPN Zuch]

Originally Posted by Mac

great stuff.. well done zuch. You're doing an awesome job. Jamie too

User is always on point with memes

Memes were me this time. But he did the one about blue’s wife lol

[Universe]

Memes had me dying lol. Mag was so good it shamed Sinacog into dropping his troll... for a moment.

And yes, I beat Des last week and should be 2-2... we all know this. Let's not keep bringing it up, people. Time to move on... Nobody mention it again. Ever.


Quality work as always, lady and gent.

[Blue Bayou]

^LoL at the Cog comment

Fire as always Zuch & Jaime.... Incredibly thorough content with amazing memes
Gunna have to keep aero far far away from my wife

[Hush]

Dope very dope


Thank u both

[Destroyer]

Originally Posted by Universe

Memes had me dying lol. Mag was so good it shamed Sinacog into dropping his troll... for a moment.

And yes, I beat Des last week and should be 2-2... we all know this. Let's not keep bringing it up, people. Time to move on... Nobody mention it again. Ever.


Quality work as always, lady and gent.

No, you lost by DQ
try and keep up

[Fracture]

Great mag! Aero/blue meme is hilarious

Top ten punches were solid. Nobody was left out that deserved to be in it.


Great stuff zuch

[Universe]

Originally Posted by Destroyer

No, you lost by DQ
try and keep up

^^I think Matt Hamill said the same thing to Jon Jones once...

But you're right. You still the man, big guy.