WEEK SEVEN: OBJECTIVE (2-4) vs MIKE WRECKA (0-0) OBJECTIVE WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SEVEN

@Objective @Mike Wrecka


Verse Due: MONDAY MAY 16TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:




GOOD LUCK

[Objective]

Modern day America is what bottom of the barrel desperation feed from.
It bred Mike's wicked sense of autonomy coupled with institutionalized freedom.
Business suits and weak norms disguised as strength through greed,
past tense empathy marks the beast that ate his heart this week.

So, define "desire".
Ask Mike, his mind is on fire. It's something Loki would hit.
His face and perpetual image cloaks the air - it's smoky and thick -
a disgrace in suits just as rich to match it. Pain to him is a low key dare.
Attire = brown tie, white shirt and a black jacket that require
a pocket for business cards that's engulfed in controlled flames.
It burns close to his heart.
He stash away his credentials at home with no shame-
to harvest souls is an art.
Such is the look on life of this property owner
with target goals to concoct plans by evicting poverty's stoners
that can't make increased rent.
Same goes for white single mothers working weak ends.
Loners get street bent. They're goners with lease spent.
Mike ain't a neat gent. He preys on the elderly's pension,
and Melody's tension giving him sex to eat and stay there,
plus the 1k extra from a couple running an illegal daycare.
It's safe to say he doesn't play fair.

Mike seize market bubbles, and it's time to invest!
New square for sweet greed he swear will get an address.
In jest he tells an African resident: "Watch the heat, boy."
"Fair warning", he says with a grin in an overly sweet voice.
He thinks it covers violent misdeeds and clears him from sins.

The following day news stations catch the plan that was hatched:
This morning an apartment building caught fire and was reduced into ash.
A couple and ten kids were trapped when the flooring collapsed.
It's a tragedy blamed on the states dated building regulation,
what's sad is that the owner isn't to blame for this situation.
Yet, the insurance he gained was worth more than the plot,
if anyone earn on misfortune it's insane what he got!

This just in:
We did some digging into Mike's past, and found fascisms flood!
A background check in shades of red. It's stained with lead,
capitalism and blood.
In case you wonder, he doubles down on his plans hard.
The apartment building will get rebuilt to a luxury standard...

[Mike Wrecka]

cracks in the oculus, blades of grass,
pursuit of happiness, waves build and crash
my ecosystem , is filled with trash,
in the catacombs of these civilian camps ,
videos illicit , a million laughs
but lack the wisdom , to fulfill the math,
it doesn’t add up, this is food for thought ,
why we always being fed these news reports,
choices to be made, choose your warts,
It isn’t monetary, don’t assume the cost,
even perennials can’t bloom in frost
chicken noodle soup , put spoon to broth,
petals of a rose, rocks and stone,
fertile crescent stolen, crops are grown,
strangers encroaching, locks on homes,
face is melted, when you got a phone ,
dirt and soil, rain and wind,
can’t conceal the pain within
bigger picture, the frame is thin,
trapped in a sarcophagus, afraid to win
mind is mummified, humidity summertime,
Am I still alive, passivity, drunk on wine,
magic bean stalk , watch me climb up the vine,
smoke signals from the mind that’s just another sign ,
radiation, toxins, face is deformed,
reject nature in this technological storm,
carbon footprint, it’s got to be warm,
hell on earth , fire is now properly worn

[Dominate]

Objective,
Ohhhh we are dissing America. OK yes. I am here for this. Brave. Can't wait to see how our bald eagle worshipping NCGs' sense of patriotism plays out here in the votes. Also love that your villain is named Mike lol. I saw you post in the discussion that that was a mistake/oversight but I prefer to think that it wasn't. FUCK AMERICA AND FUCK MIKE WRECKA IN PARTICULAR YOU GREEDY PIECES OF SHIT. Excellent take.

OK, lulz out of the way, now to some more serious commentary. Overall I think this was probably your best piece this season. Either this or that watery suicide contemplation one. But I think this one, - more original idea in terms of both narrative and in terms of style with having the protagonist be the villain. Rhyming/mechanics were slightly better here than your norm too. A small nitpick - you seem to miss the "s" on the end of verbs sometimes when its needed which is slightly jarring to me. For example in the opening line it should be "feeds" not "feed". In line 8 it should be "requires" not "require". There’s a couple other spots. Maybe English is a second language for you but even so I'm surprised bc you write it flawlessly outside of verses from what I've seen. Maybe it's meant as a stylistic/slang kinda thing. Anyway, it's minor but I don't like it.

Your opening three lines I thought were very strong. “Institutionalized freedom” is a superb turn of phrase. An oxymoron that captures the culture of capitalism worship that’s prevalent in the US. I liked the idea behind the fourth line too but thought the wording came out a bit awkward. First half of the second stanza was kind of in the same vein - I think the idea of “burning with desire/greed” plus the fiery climax of your story was enough, you didn’t need to try to connect every last detail of the picture. Second half of this stanza is where your story takes off and I found it engaging, leading to a cool ‘twist’. I liked the idea of the news station narrating what happened in the climax, although I think the final four lines would have been better if you switched back to an omniscient narrator voice to match your opening instead of continuing with the news station ‘this just in’ thing. Nonetheless, I liked how this ended with the luxury apartments plan. Very solid showing mate, good job.



Michael,
I like this take on the topic, I only understood it once I reached the final three lines but that was OK. Mechanically this was very smooth - great rhythm, good rhymes. I felt this was a bit too heavy on observations/descriptors. There were some excellent individual lines like “even perennials can’t bloom in frost” and “chicken noodle soup , put spoon to broth,” but I felt like those ideas/metaphors needed more exploration/set up before bouncing on to the next one. This piece had many hallmarks of a great writer but it was missing something for me. I’m aware that I’ve written significantly more about Objective’s work than yours but idk, I just had more to say about his, both positive and negative. Look forward to reading more from you.


I got Objective taking this.

[NYCSPITZ]

This was a dope battle, Mike came with some smooth intricate voodoo and obj came with a longer narrative that has a nice twist to the ending. Some of objective’s wording is a bit jarring to me but I’ll chalk that up to him being from Norway or something. Cool bit of storytelling. Usually I prefer narrative takes like that to what Mike did, as a stand-alone piece I thought mike’s had more flair to it and said more in less space than objective. My fav line in the battle was mikes closer, it was dope, but obj had a dope closer too it was just presented differently bc he had a narrative and not an abstract monologue. I liked both but I’m giving it to objective thought it hit the topic longer and harder

[Frank]

Déjà vu

A lot of the subject matter of both parties have this distinct city aspect to it that other readers from other parts of the country may not identify with. Imagery of Civilian Camps and Land Lords From Hell evoke a sense of real issues that seem like matters of more of a Urban Hysteria perspective. The Avatars also give it a way, but, also the writing seems inspired by current events. Interested in learning more about these competitors where-about's-

Objective
Sinister concept. This correlation to the topic is really diabolical and brilliant. Actual execution is kind of lackluster. I feel like more focus should've been placed on the Land Lord and less on robbing grannies purse, but, whatever. The overall premise is really mind blowing: the chain of events leading up to the climax just weren't. I, too, think using Mikes name was absolutely calculative! Playing mind games with your opponents psyche, effects them, regardless of the outcome of the battle!

Mike Wrecka
Haha, What did you think when you saw all those @'s in your E-mail? Pleasant surprise! I thought that the structure of your rhymes really captured the essence of this picture. I liked that line about the phone hot against the face melting. It was villainous. Welcome back!

I definitely see the potential here for even more impressive verses somewhere down the line.
I've read the likes of these two writers before over the years and I believe neither one has quite reached their optimus prime!

MVGT Objective

[Eviction]

@Objective
You was doing something that I started implementing more in my writing, I would just go line by line and finish the line there but I see that your also just finishing the line, sometimes if you stay constrained to the end line it's hard to finish the line, if you let it continue until you're done it flows smoother, didn't know if the mike character was in reference to your opponent or not, I do like the ending it just seems abrubt and unfinished to me.

@Mike Wrecka
while technically this was an easier read so I'm going to give you flow points, flow and rhyme scheme was short and snappy, you're opponent had an ending that was abrubt not really sure what I can take from your verse, I like to see a beginning, middle, and an end, yours seems one dimentional from the start, I liked how you described your subject, but the story lacked, and that is most important to me as a voter.

while this might look like an easy battle to vote on, both writers did a very good job and produced a verse that was easy to read, I prefer objective because he told a actually store and a path for the character in his story, good battle fellas.

v/obj