"Bombs over Volgograd"

[Vulgar]

;l

[Certain]

There was a lot to like about this. The writing was intellectual, and the traces of history were strong. The metaphorical conjuring of Sadako Sasaki, one of the most powerful stories of the past hundred years, was brilliant and really brought home Aisha's fears.

In general, the parts about Aisha were strong. I wish the story had been more tightly focused, though. There was an awful lot of Cold War exposition, which I suppose may be necessary for many rap website readers. That's one of the quandaries of trying to write intelligently on these boards, particularly when approaching historical topics. A good example was your final couplet, which was an on-the-nose approach to finishing this. I would have preferred the verse without that couplet, ending on the very strong "just in case" line.

From the lyrical perspective, there were moments of brilliance. Rhyming "killers of the young" with "Silmarillion" was very nice. Some of the multiple-syllable rhymes were strong. There were a few lines that simply were too long, five or six syllables longer than they needed to be for proper rhyme. That's part of the trouble of writing an intellectual story in rap form, though, and cutting words might have cost the content more than was worth it to save the flow.

It's great to see historical storytelling still alive these days, and I thought this was a very strong example of what can be done with it.

[Darth Yoda]

i admit I usually skim through your pieces recently vulgar, but I gave this one a try. it isn't becuz i disrespect you or don't hold your writing to high regard, but it's because some days I don't feel like reading, and although I know it's great I just don't sometimes. Even with myself. Sometimes I don't even know what I write. I don't even care, nor do I revise it or spend time on a lot of things. Maybe that's just a phase, but I read this, believe that. Very good. interesting to read this previous commenters thoughts, and my own, intermingling.


papal crayons? you're obscurely witty mister vulgar. I see what you do. and it gets my blood boiling. haven't been motivated as of late. I need to read and engulf good writing. To release the sleeping behemoth.

I'm sorry if I'm talking about myself, this is about you and your writing, sir.

Opening up my eyes, I clearly see what you did here. Although I do enjoy your writing, I'd love to see a stream of consciousness, rather than a formatted style, just for once. Just to sate my thirst and curiosity. The "here's sally" was absolutely superb, and reminded me of something I'd say. but of course you have more discipline, and finish it with a series of thoughtful storytelling, weaving in and out! Love some of your odd rhymes!! !keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









keep doin u'

[Spoken]

^^i see what yoda is saying but you gotta look at the just of it all as to why he writes and for teh meaning of what tbh... and this here was just forward rather than the vulgar where i scribes stanzas that fly over peoples heads...

your abstract approach is always on a standard that makes one really read 2-3 times around to fully engulf and understand. which to me is a standard others try to avoid cause others get frustrated at not really getting to understand but me i like the challenge and it makes for a good read usually once its understand for what said lines were said. you went over my head a few times but i got the grasp for it after reading the second time around.... this was a little more direct than the sri lanka and sands piece ya did. the rhymescheme is always on point and the multies were just consistent. the content is really subtle as far as wording goes and thats what makes me read on more cause your set up makes it for a nice bar and message in the end.

keep scribin'

[veritas]

“Mr. President, going live to the nation in 3... 2... 1...”
“Condemning lives as we strike at the mainland…
3 destructive inventions… 2 politicians… 1 devastating outcome.”
Aisha took shelter in the tunnel alone, predisposed to suffer from colds
since her Papa had been summoned to the submarines that hovered below
Secretly, she feared the vessel’s rudder would slow
The darkness of this shelter was where Chupacabra’s underlings roamed


the chupacabra is what sent you to the realm of genius. I think you are rapidly approaching top tier. I think others might want you to sacrifice content for flow, but if it aint audio, don't.

focus on the message and the flow secondary. I dig.

[zygote]

The writing tone is similar but the references are always different, inexhaustible really, you could spend an hour with the google search and this Vulgar verse, just looking up the different names/places and reading. You should start including footnotes. The line “Rather than Stone Age, this bomb will send us back to the Simarillion!” has the feeling of an older style pulp sci-fi book. Just seems like a fun writing effort while still being complex technically. Also, good themes of the dangers of atomic war.

[Split]

Interesting read. Good rhymes as always. A lot of the concepts were above my head today tbh.. I think I will break down one if your future verses. The mood and tone were pretty distant for me here, felt like a general air of warning but it came off stale. This is probably just a verse for another day. i found myself skimming. The writing and concepts are always impressive though keep writing

[PancakeBrah]

Nice quote to start the piece. I've never read it because I'm an illiterate honky but very nice.

"Fear debilitates the young, death comes swiftest for the old
Inflicting traumatizing agony on the most innocent of souls
Once man hits logistic codes, our doomed image is foretold
as young Aisha is forced to make the pilgrimage alone"

First line sets the piece nicely. Second line was sophomoric from a writer of your capability. 'traumatizing' and 'most' adjectives were there to make a point but usually you word your thoughts more uniquely and less bluntly for better results. Third line was ok, and the fourth was great. Introduced a character as a plot device to highlight simple humanity against the forces of debauched militarism you're essentially railing against in this piece as a whole. You didn't start the piece with her name, instead you set it up with a sort of preamble then hit the reader with a bit of personality.

"meanwhile, in Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota, history would show
Moscow was in the crosshairs, St. Petersberg missiles would compose
A death orchestra…with the movie “It” playing in the foreground
only this time there wouldn’t only be Asians in the morgue count
beyond a Jericho plague, hazardous flames aimed at very close range"

Shout out to the homies at Minot. I don't know shit about shit and I'm sure your historical points are correct, but even so the beginning of this section worked well in giving the piece scope. Also highlighted the aforementioned 'Aisha''s unfair insignificance. Aisha as a representative for the majority of innocent bystanders. I've never seen "It" so that allusion is lost on me. Nice rhyme, I suppose. The last line is the direct opposite of my complaint of your previous use of adjectives. Usually the use of 'very' is a tool for weak writers to try emphasis a point without actually saying anything more at all, but this 'very' worked in conjunction with the Aisha device. 'Very close', close to home and personal. Exceptional stuff.

"The dark tower looms over Stalingrad…these were heavy times…
on propaganda pamphlets, you could see the concern in Lenin’s eyes
The burning sherry pines were a sermon to the surgeon -- Pennywise"

The bold part was the best so far. 'Burning sherry pines' is such a distinct image, one that a reader can place if they have any sort of past reference with the subject matter. Perfectly described and concise. As a bonus, the rhyme scheme here is back to your usual top-tier mechanics. Up to this point this piece had a decidedly dressed down approach to rhyming. While not basic, you definitely dropped your usual style for a more concise and content-oriented approach. But this section mixed both well and really gave the piece momentum.

"Americans and their democracy spreading; the motto was cocky"

I liked this as well. A sarcastic and scathing analogy.

"Calling us commie’s, guns blazing"

The 'us' confused me in terms of writing perspective? Up to this point any reference to a character was Aisha from a third-person point of view and this hasn't read as if you were speaking. I default to the writer knowing what they are doing when I read an open mic but this left me slightly confused.

"Navy carrier breakfast on the go, hands beating on misshapen walls"

Nicely worded imagery. Describing simple actions that occur that people barely even register as actions and planting them as a perfect relatable images in the reader's mind gives the piece authenticity. Harder to do than people think and well done here.

"The Pentagon assumed the murky air of a Stephen King screenplay
Officials took a Stand on WOMD, dazed, unable to Carrie the burden"

Torn on this one. Thinking in terms of punchlines, which this essentially is, I think this would have been slicker if you just typed carry as it would normal be used in the second line and had confidence that the reader would pick up on the allusion. Also, this continues the female theme of the piece (Aisha/Anne Franke/Carrie).

"Secretaries of state don’t give a damn where Petkovic Cemetery is placed"

Another great line highlighting the dichotomy between aggressive global action and the simple innocence that's ignored when carrying it out. Runs along the same thread as the Aisha idea.

"Soft red locks of hair, blue jeans, leather boots, rough yet laced
Subtext A, she planned on surviving radiation, keeping it for months at bay
Plan B, she’d brought a razorblade & a bottle of poison just incase
A young girl who was helpless amidst this God-wrath
Anxiety did a hit series on her, inappropriate for television broadcasts"

A strong end to the piece. You set up the character in the beginning and then left her to set up your commentary. The deft way in which you created the character without having to go overboard on her personality or history is a credit to you. God-wrath is a good descriptor. The ending metaphor wasn't corny at all and well worded. Serious pieces of writing that end in a metaphor run the risk of demeaning the entire piece, and I've read a few open mics recently that fell prey to that, but this was handled well.

Overall, this was refreshing. For one, this was a slightly different style of writing than I am accustomed to from you. The lines were shorter, more concise, and supreme technical ability in terms of rhyming were given a backseat to a more free flowing type of topical analysis. Not to say the technical prowess didn't peak through here and there, which it did, but I never got the feeling that this was a menagerie of pretty imagery and unparalleled multi's that I sometimes get when reading your pieces. As far as the subject matter, I often feel a bit of distaste when reading you but only because I feel our political and social positions are askew. But here you handled the atrocity of lost innocence for a so called 'greater' geo-political cause with real humanity. You obviously disagree with the tactics and ideas brought forth by the bombers but for a truly altruistic reason. One last point of strength I'd like to touch on is the fact it's evident that when you write a piece like this, which is often if not always, you have a clear theme, message, and point to impart. Almost every line touches on it in some way and the laser focus proliferates through beautiful use of language. When I write I just start with an idea and flow through random sentences I think attach to it while completely focused on rhyming. I'm a bit jealous of the approach and tenacity.

Good read.