Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-08-2016, 09:23 PM   #1
YDK
ghost in the matrix
 
YDK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association

Rep Power: 8181109
YDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant future
Default idk

I need peace to speak my mind,
A peace of mind to give a piece of mine
I pine to teach this.. Grief; this sign
Speaks to me each crease, each line
My cheeks have shined (for weeks at times)
Beneath the the streaks that leaked through eyes
The heat, the lies, that wreaked demise
And I've been beaten down from peaks so high
That even seraphs would seek to cry!
But...
This beast inside; at least it hides
From the weakness that I've described
For when I weep the meek will rise
Like a phoenix that I keep (my pride)
I've felt defeated; to my sweet surprise
I never won;
But at least survived.
__________________
YDK is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2016, 05:33 PM   #2
Mr. J
The Clown Prince
 
Mr. J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,016
Battle Record: 35-45


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 59349678
Mr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant future
Default

I thought this was a pretty cool short poetry piece.
toyed with something similar to this recently.
didnt really enjoy the thought of your cheeks shining
whatever that means...
regardless those first couple of lines remind me of Return of The G...
pretty good for a rusty piece.
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you
Mr. J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2016, 01:26 PM   #3
YDK
ghost in the matrix
 
YDK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association

Rep Power: 8181109
YDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. J View Post
I thought this was a pretty cool short poetry piece.
toyed with something similar to this recently.
didnt really enjoy the thought of your cheeks shining
whatever that means...
regardless those first couple of lines remind me of Return of The G...
pretty good for a rusty piece.
Thanks man I appreciate that, the shiny cheek thing is just a way of saying tears, wet cheeks... You get it lol just a fun piece to get back in the swing of rhyming really
__________________
YDK is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2016, 01:42 PM   #4
UnbornBuddha
Senior Member
 
UnbornBuddha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5

Rep Power: 23856375
UnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant future
Default

Yes it had nice rhythm to it, some couplets were a bit strange, i.e. the aforementioned " My cheeks have shined (for weeks at times) Beneath the the streaks that leaked through eyes"
But besides that I enjoyed the fast paced rhythm of it.
UnbornBuddha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2016, 11:30 PM   #5
Eŋg
rhyme capsule.
 
Eŋg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,145




Rep Power: 0
Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg
Default

your syntax is horrible. stop rhyming like dagel, you're marginally better than that.
Eŋg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2016, 05:17 AM   #6
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

Lol @ marginally better...

Freestyle? If so it's cool.
Exis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-01-2016, 02:09 PM   #7
YDK
ghost in the matrix
 
YDK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association

Rep Power: 8181109
YDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Exis View Post
Lol @ marginally better...

Freestyle? If so it's cool.
Yeah basically, was taking a shit an felt like putting some rhymes together basically lol
__________________
YDK is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2016, 10:24 PM   #8
Objective
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
 
Objective's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,783
Battle Record: 17-32



Rep Power: 52474188
Objective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant future
Default

I enjoyed the simplicity. Straight forward, short and sweet.
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o
Objective is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+