AOWL Week 4: c.d.m. (0-3) VS. Mac (1-0) [C.D.M. WINS, 5-0.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due THURSDAY 3/7 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due FRIDAY 3/8 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

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You must vote on at least 3 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

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TOPIC:


Good luck to both participants. @c.d.m. @Mac

[Mac]

yo

[veritas]

Check

[Mac]

i might need an ext @c.d.m

[veritas]

Sure buddy, I am fixing to drop.

[veritas]

The game is can the doc Turn Mountains to molecules?
How am I to lose, when lotsa fools, cant spot the jewels?

Her blood brought the beef, my wife died in the street
Best friend obsolete, her rotting body baked in the heat,
hari kari, no time to bury, just know my tears were bittersweet
fears of the fleet, of Antichrist’s decreed deceit
rpg’s beat, upon my home’s bricks as they rocked the sheet
many survivors flocked to me, it was a wise retreat
but their spies run deep, so I surmised a plan to compete,
complete surprise, exercised replete, with bugged out receipt,
as I ducked out sipping the sweet…..

nectar of failed martyr: turned avenger, in the Forrest’ epicenter,
always been a warrior, knew the sword from the placenta
but their hordes of marked drones roam the skies with sight much better
needed a disguise for the fire in my eyes that tried to numb me forever
so I sojourned on west, with a past I was unable to sever,
Dreamed of her, crying out to saver her, from the evil artillery
Flashing back to the good times of sex and Sam Adams distillery
The cold and hunger would always make reality filled in me
Lone wolf, alone and aloof, fuck if you was feeling me
I would kill the beast’ army easily……

Until one day when I was fasting within a snowy mountain cave
I was ambushed by 10 soldiers now knowing they found my grave
But my sword was lightning, showing the fountain that sprayed
Out of a neck to the nine who reached for their senses
I cut up five as I ran out and breached their defenses
Six pursued amidst a drone providing overwatch
I parkoured till I was trapped reciting how cold it’s not
The reality was I was surrounded and their rifles were drawn
I heard my wife whisper, “True Survival is in the Bible’s respawn”
As the bullets pierced me I smiled, and kept traveling on….

[Mac]

i admire your strenght, appearance and personality
when i gaze upon your face i notice you're way better than pretty
if you're near, i feel something i can't express
when you're not here, i think of you in excess
you give me hundred reasons to keep living for...
.... the way you give hug & kisses has me seeking for more
when the day and the night took an important role in order to see you
i gathered the force to resist the dark nights, thing i wasn't used to

i woke up on the morning, anxious to see her face
but it was too dark, turned out to be a disgrace
the darkness didn't allow me to see her, i was ruined.
i wondered if a sunset could be forced by human influence
went to the horizon and attached the sun with a long chain
pulled it up with all my force, ignoring all the pain
then a huge sunshine lit up my eyes & proceeded all over the lane
since now i pull the sun every morning so i can see her face again

first time i make a verse along with a beat, i suck at it. specially in english. good luck tho

[Zen]

c.d.m.: Another dope verse again this week. I love the way you word your shit man. Kind of like a constant alliteration throughout the piece. Dope rhyme scheme as well throughout. Favorite part would have to be the third part of the verse with the hordes of drones segment. All in all a well constructed piece.
Mac: First off let me say it's a good piece. You showed the bitter sweet thing that is love quite well. But what I can say is that your rhyme scheme imo was a little bland and some of the lines were long and fucked up the flow to me. I'd suggest spicing up the rhyme scheme and adopting a short bar style and I think you'd flourish, but that's just my opinion lol.

All in all I'd have to say c.d.m.'s piece was much more entertaining to me so he gets my vote. Props to both of yall

[Adonis]

Mac - First off, the Flow was completely staggered...I want to be nice but i can't and I appologize....The flow was off due to syllable counts being so different, the imagery wasn't all that great, the Rhymes in themselves almost read as forced for the sake of rhyme...express/excess...sure they rhyme, but there was not true emotion I felt when reading the words coupled with the rhymes...I'm not sure how long you've been writing, but this came off as a newer artist not yet wet behind the ears and not experimenting with flow and word usage and syllable counts and shit...IDK...I don't WANT to come off as a dick, and realize I will, so sorry, but if you don't know whats wrong you can't correct it next time.


CDM - I will be over critical with this as well...but will list the things I like later...Flow was decent, not sure how the opening bar truly fit into the piece however. Also I don't know why tears would be "Bittersweet" when a person's wife would die unless they didn't like her, but this was a bit of a love story???

rpg’s beat, upon my home’s bricks as they rocked the sheet

This could have been worded better for flow, but not just that...I assume you meant sheet rock, but i just don't like the line in general...RPG rocked the sheet???? just don't work to me. There were a couple more instinces as this the bold, where it flowed but didn't make the most sense as far as grammar go, but I won't list them.



vote: CDM All in all I feel like his verse was simply superior in every aspect that I look for when I vote....Better flow, better content etc. Neither verse was perfect, mac has potential but came up short this time. While CDM had good flow, decent enough content this verse and not too many slip ups in general.

[ZeeDee]

Cdm.. some gripping details in the content made this stan out... it was as if ur telling a story while its still unfinished and ur iving that story of kinding this woman... the flow was cool and consistent but it was the depth of the story that made it develop well for me and thosethe illustrations gave it light and experiene for the characters... real or not.. not sure.. but still good display.

Mac, Firstly, if english isn't ur first language, this is a pretty good display of it... with that being said, the narration of this was kinda creepy... like being too in love with someone almost.... the content was clearl written though and understandable and the meta of pulling the sun out was cool too.. this needed some examples or experiences y'all shared or something more to make us believe this love that was shared... as it stands, its just sounding like someone is obsessivey loved..

Vote cdm for much better content with better structure,details and flow.

[zygote]

CDM had better mechanics such as rhyme scheme and sentence structure. Also, remove weighting from Mac for using pictures when they are not the topic. The deciding factor was CMD's last paragraph. CMD's ending was very good in bringing the story together and adding closure, whereas Mac's raised more questions than it resolved. Voted for CDM.

[Frank]

veritas.

'as I ducked out sipping the sweet' That line was O.G right there. What you know about a 4/20 break here and there. I like how you created this story about your wife. She was a apart of netcees too -she just didn't know it. The finale really took me by surprise. Had a redeeming quality to it.

The reality was I was surrounded and their rifles were drawn
I heard my wife whisper, “True Survival is in the Bible’s respawn”
As the bullets pierced me I smiled, and kept traveling on….

Reminded me of the scene from crash. Meshed well with the beat in a triumphant way.

Mac.

Good picture selection. I felt your hues were on point. Your shades were a little basic but your imagery was off the chain. All seriousness. MANUP

Vote - C.D.M.

[Split]

5-0 up

[King Ra.]

C.D.M. WINS, 5-0.