XI WK VI: Symetrik (3-0) vs. Cereal Killer (4-1) (SYMETRIK WINS)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Friday, January, 27th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Monday, January 30th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @symetrik @Cereal

TOPIC:

[Cereal]

The Glass Slippery Reveries
..

In my nighting gales through dead rain
wishy washy washing on my knees in pain
Plane damed, house trained insaned - estrange
Down right up lift foot see if the glass slipper fits strain of candy only thing strained
no stain, hair dred locked like rainbow licorice twist golden blonde dirty dirt
Short scented like sherbert curves worth it working twerks
Settled in the slipper
walking round the house in my new fittings..
i got a ball to ball to for the first time to see whats hitting..

i get to the kindom and dust of the pollen and front the nose
they open the gate.. and yall can read about the rest in the neighbours news

..

A black dawn morns a good morning
like a week later what have i done - yawn boring
and i get out of bed and put my slippers on and see another set of shoes on the floor
i go to the toilet
the porcelain is ice cold i flush and stand but..
slip on the fluid and collapse paralyzed..
clasping my ass where i sat categorized death walks in
pretty in pink sqwauts, wipes and steps over the corpse
me lieing with my one glass slipper shattered like my skull porn/scorned/torn
reborn maybe but still shattered not good enough to be autistic where i fall
my last breath it hits the cracked slipper
it turrns "slippery"
and....
as my eyes roll fade off my life puckers like a shot
one blink i will never get back as my irisis turn to blood cots and rot

[symetrik]

you seem to be keen on a story so lemme tell you a classic.
it’s about a girl in a fantasy land,
dreaming of the day she’d meet a wonderful man.
yes, sweetie, like your barbie doll… just, not made of plastic.
I wanna preface the story with a piece of advice:
it’s okay to decide that you don’t even like guys.
anyways, here we go, off to the story.
let me know if I’m reading too fast or making it boring.

she pulls the blanket up over her chin and just under her nose,
her wide eyes close as she drinks in the prose

Cindy was a sweet girl, always one to roll with the punches.
a soft little bap on the arm
She faced each day with a smile and plenty of charm…
just like you! she giggles and blushes
she also loved the animals that lived in the yard.
”what kind?”
rabbits and birds, wild ones, and especially mice.
and her work ethic… ”her what?”… well, she worked hard.

her eyes open, shimmering slightly. “like mom did?”
I take a small breath without breaking my grin…
yeah, kid

she nods and settles back

she loved working out in the dirt, with the plants and the worms.
”ewwww…” she giggles and squirms
she had even hand-built the sideyard’s trellis.
plus, (though she didn’t even know it), she was gorgeous.
like “birds frolic around her and sing in a beautiful chorus”.
with everything going for her… her family were jealous.

”are you jealous?”
I’m jealous that you get to be young
”that’s dumb”
You’re dumb, little monkey. Want me to finish the story?
she giggles and nods. “please read ‘til I’m snoring!”

her family wasn’t kind to her. they gave her awful tasks,
like sweeping out the chimneys full of decades of ash,
soot-covered and coughing, not feeling a tickle of pity… her arms move to her sides, defensively…
they’d then remind her of their plans to go visit the city.
”so she couldn’t go?!”
essentially.

but after years of putting up with it, Cindy had a plan.
she’d been sewing a dress, with the intent of attending events and meeting a man.
now, the book says the mice helped. why do you think it’s written that way?
she rubbed some sleep from her eyes... “because asking for help is okay?”
that’s right. there’s also some magic involved… ”hey dad?”
yeah, kid?
”thanks for helping me fall asleep like mom did.”
...
you bet.
”I’m ready for bed.”

[Pharaohs Army]

@Cereal:

I don't know... I kind of see the two large stanzas as two different pieces?. Just how I see it. Nothing inherently wrong w/ that.
Thought the opening half was better than the closing half...by far.

The first stantza, while full of spelling/grammatical errors, was rhyme-centric and SOUNDED good to me rhythmically.
In my nighting gales through dead rain
wishy washy washing on my knees in pain
Plane damed, house trained insaned - estrange
To me, this opener is the strength of the piece here. Everything about those last two lines says CINDERELLA...good connection to the topic...kinda enjoy the "W"alliteration...rhymey, etc.
I'd suggest "insane - estranged" (Not insaned - estrange) because I'd prefer you use real words and tenses when you have the option right in front of you. Why would you do it backwards?

I don't mean to be to harsh, but afterwards here I think you fall off...
Down right up lift foot see if the glass slipper fits strain of candy only thing strained
Clunky and confusing. What if you harshly cut it, but kept the "meat"?:
lift foot see if the glass slipper fits
There. That's the new line...then if you want you can find something to rhyme with that on the next line.

no stain, hair dred locked like rainbow licorice twist golden blonde dirty dirt
Short scented like sherbert curves worth it working twerks
I mean, phonetically I think this is dope. Love to rap it. Love the licorice/twist rhyme, the dirty dirt/sherbert curves rhyme...But WHAT are you really saying? To me, it's a word salad. And after all this time, that's apparently what you're striving for. I just don't know if any writer would approve of ending a line with "worth it working twerks"...Not trying to insult you...Just kind of dumbfounded with what you're going for...abstract; I get it...If you're going for a couplet with good-sounding rhymes you got it. Topical text though the lines should mean something, or at least mean something more often. Perhaps I'm over-analyzing. It is your verse :-)
i get to the kindom and dust of the pollen and front the nose
they open the gate.. and yall can read about the rest in the neighbours news
To me, this is even worse, lol... because there's no rhyme to compensate for the top line being nonsensical. "dust off*" I assume you meant?...What does "front the nose" mean?...What is "the neighbours news"? I googled to check; couldn't find...Are you referring to stealing a neighbor's newspaper?
In fairness, I enjoy the whimsical closure of "yall can read about the rest in..." Could have made it simple and referenced "in the fairy tales"..."in the storybooks", etc. Something like that? Just a suggestion.

It looks like you freestyled the closing stanza in about 5 minutes. I'm not going to quote lines. Less rhyme ('cept for the 4 freestylish "-orn" rhymes in a row) & even more nonsensical phrasing (if that's possible).
The positive highlight of the stanza for me was the near rhyme of paralyzed/categorized. Cool.

In sum: promising opener, then I kept getting let down as I went. I hate to sound harsh but I thought the second half was "bad".

I'm not trying to hate on your style. It appears you are sticking with this style...I'm giving you my version of tough love so you can IMPROVE on your style and deliver something more consistent throughout!

Keep writing & trying.
-------------------------
@symetrik

The more times I read it, the better it got, I felt.
To me, this piece is an example of "simplicity with hidden complexities", and overall I'd say you did a good job-- certainly enough to take the W this week. V/ Sym:

If had one word it'd be "clean", which is usually a compliment for any writing.
There is nothing overly complex about the story ('cept the 2 lines referencing a likely-deceased Mother figure...which offers a lot of vague depth).

I enjoy your rhyme style.
Even (reluctantly...I'm still waffling back&forth on whether I like it or not)
”what kind?”
rabbits and birds, wild ones, and especially mice.
IMO it takes some experience as a rapper to get that flow properly for the "kind/mice" near-rhyme/assonance to "fit & hit" (so to speak).
Could even argue that the line before "what kind" plays a part in that...
Yeah, it's a bit "dirty". Thus I quoted this one because I felt most of the other rhymes were very clean. I don't have a problem with switching it up/throwing a wild card in. It's not easy though, and I'm undecided on it still.

If I had to nitpick one thing about your style? My word of caution (and I also noticed this in your verse against me a few weeks ago):
On multiple occasions you employ an
A
B
B
A
rhyme scheme.
Yes, this is text, but it's rap text right?...SOMETIMES (not always) it takes "a while" to get to that last rewarding "A" rhyme. The payoff.
Just be cognizant of how many syllables you're using between the first "A" and the closing "A"...Those "B's are nice!, but if you string it out too long or wordy that last rhyme is just a hair late.

My biggest critique of the piece is literally the phrase/nickname "little monkey".
Like seriously? WHY?
I've heard you are not American? Is that a cultural norm nickname in your country for youngsters, or something?
I'm NOT even going woke/racial on you-- I didn't take it that way at all, but I still don't like it. Just seems arbitrary. You could pick any animal right? I don't know. Just my opinion.

In sum: I thought it was for the most part high-level stuff, despite the guise/appearance of a simple lullaby. That's a big compliment from me. And as I said, clean. And that's why you Sym got my vote.

Thanks to both competitors for contributing.

[Master Rock]

Cereal's opener is on point!!! The whole paragraph was dope but Cinderella twerking...Lol!!!.. I can't picture that for some reason. But the next paragraph seemed to falter for me. As for Sym, he started off with some nice rhyme patterns and shows his flow but hasn't captured me in his opening paragraph. and then kills the mood with his prose rhyme...ugh... after that moment he went back to the flow and incorporated musically ideas to the verse in the second paragraph.
EX:
"she also loved the animals that lived in the yard.
"”what kind?”
rabbits and birds, wild ones, and especially mice.
and her work ethic… ”her what?”… well, she worked hard."
Dope concept.
Sym also had visuals that captured visuals in my head. EX"she loved working out in the dirt, with the plants and the worms.
”ewwww…” she giggles and squirms"
Sym continues to paint a vivid picture along with a cadence that shows time well spend.

Cereal my man, I know you have potential to kill but against Sym you got to come with guns blazing...Giving it to Sym.

[Frank]

@symetrik
WINS!