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Old 08-03-2019, 12:34 PM   #1
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Default Semi Finals: Blue Bayou vs. Witty [Witty advances 4-2]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY AUG 7th at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or THURSDAY AUG. 8th 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM THURSDAY AUG. 8th Central European/London

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 64 LINES

Votes are due SATURDAY August 10th at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or SUNDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM SUNDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on ALL OTHER battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:




Must "Check-in" by MONDAY AUG. 5th


@Blue Bayou
@Witty


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Old 08-08-2019, 07:55 PM   #2
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The Blues of The Immortal Soul

The smoke swirls through the air with a rhythmic elegance
Mystic, nebulous...mysterious...almost cryptic, delicate
With an intrinsic eminence, a right to belong
Creating an atmosphere you simply can't write in a song
As I stand behind it almost lifeless, just vibing along
My voice sings in dulcet tones, but my mind is withdrawn
As I sing the final note and hide behind the applause
I try to respond, I try to be Mr. Humble and Mr. Polite
Instead..I exit stage, and stumble in to the night
As I wander..I wonder if there's a light, a glimpse or a sight
That might put and end to this miserable plight
My limitless fight, my eternal woe
When is it my turn to go? Let me fade to black...
...but before I do that, let me take you back.

Born in 1620 in a slave ship
My mother died while giving birth
To me, she's just an ethereal image, faceless
Floating in the heavens, while I'm confined within the dirt
Fellow slaves were given the task of dragging me up
Making me strong, so I could make my master a buck
They would beat us, broke us...we were defeated, hopeless
And yet we stood on our feet and sang just to keep us focused
We were feeding our souls though our stomachs were growling
And the peace that arose was something astounding
God gave me a voice...so I sang while praising his grace
I sang while I was shackled, and I sang the day I escaped.

I ran for days, this and that-a-way, in a baffled haze
Bedraggled, crazed with an addled brain
Saddled with anguish, pain...a vast malaise
Until one day...I just stopped...I sat and prayed
I begged God for help, as I lay sore on the pavement
And as I cried, he came to me in the form of a Raven
He asked me my wishes, why do I plea for grace?
I said "All my life I've been placed in grievous states
I've watched demons deceive us, and heathens hate
All I want is to sing, to share my voice with the nation
And take over the hate in a joyous invasion"
His answer was straight, and he stated it clearly
"Your voice will carry the weight of the weary"
He continued to warn that with art comes a price
There was no secret clause, it was honest, concise
The Raven is my guardian which he leaves to me
And only when it flies away will I cease to be.

So forward I burst with hope in my mind
My soul in the sky, frozen in time
I packed the bars, I owned the stages
My laughing heart was so contagious
At the start my throne was stainless
I attacked the dark, disposed of greyness
The ladies swooned, the fellas cheered
Each latest tune was well revered
I sang through war and peace, day after day
I saw everyone I love aging, and fading away
As time crawled on, and I sang with the best
I began to live every day in anguish, depressed
I'm isolated, I sing in the dark, seen but concealed
Living in fear in case my secret's revealed
I love bringing joy to the hearts of the people
But I've seen the whole world, the darkness, the evil
It tires me so, I hope soon the Highest will beckon
Open the door to my peace, invite me to heaven
I never thought I'd see the day I'd be choosing to die
But it doesn't matter what I want...
...this Raven refuses to fly.
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Old 08-09-2019, 09:18 AM   #3
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roaring chants of the wicked steady graspin the pickets
proclaiming a loyalty to armed forces so wrathful and vicious
crafted the wishlist then sat back to plant the division
between allies and those he left behind in fragments of stitches
a planet of bridges, all burned to the cold earth as ashes emitted
now hazardous cancers rip through the masses with sickness
the tact is religious backed by a plan that’s mapped within digits
coded solely by the souls controlling gadgets & switches
central populous trapped within such rancid conditions
until they bandwagon with the bad & abandon the mission
the fascists had risen, attacked and ran into tragic collisions
their insolent landscape crashing under the hatch of some fission
transport a passage of prisms, the door a portal to stand within
morbid pacts of sin, throats of the angels slashed with pins

& thus the act begins,

the bastion blood red in the distance under the horizon sits
they uprised in fits but it was apparent early on they only fight to quit
ignite & then out the godless abyss evil entities take over mind’s intent
drafting innocent soldiers, convertin them for worship despite the sin
silence awoke then black galactic dust unzipped the sky
gathered disciples with bibles but we tore and cast the prints aside
witness blind but watched from a visitor’s path of view
thats when good and evil divided, the galaxy's axis split in halves of two
divinity & his bandit crew discarded though survivors remained
that’s what spawned the holy ghost and the liars today
the foe empire decayed thawed frozen minds with the flames
evil’s temple ruined, decomposed it's whole design with grenades
no longer idle enslaved, good prevails against the deadliest mind work
God watches at every divine turn a never ending designer
so remember next time your tempted to empty the fire..
all lose the goodness in faith sometimes, we just need a friendly reminder
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Last edited by Blue Bayou; 08-09-2019 at 11:30 AM.
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Old 08-11-2019, 12:56 PM   #4
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This was the most enjoyable battle of the tournament for me so far. I read both verses twice which I’m usually way too lazy to do, and rarely does one verse in a battle capture my full attention; this time both verses did.

Blue’s verse had a sick rhythm to it, almost on a swag and flow type of vibration the way his bars seem to attack and penetrate the topic. Lots of great visuals, thought the ending bar of the first stanza “throat slashed with pins” was very creative and slick. Here’s an author who is skilled with the word and can wield them in attack mode, love seeing that...beyond that there was tons of meat to the stanza the rhymes sometimes two Multics to a bar, the imagery and a sort of dystopian plot evolution that I fuck with and believe is integral to the current state of humanity so it’s cool to see a parallel in rhyme form. The wording was very well used and precise. The second stanza was like a eyegasm of creativity with various religious and moral, mass psychological nods deftly woven into the fabric of the verse. In the end good wins and I thought the wording of how you left it was dope, usually I feel the need to personally end things on a savage death or something to have impact but this achieved the same thing with more positive vibes. The only thing I’ll say is that you went 30 lines, 30 very dope lines and I know you were rushed but it’s a little disappointing that you’re a busy man because doubling the length would have really held scope for more plots development, maybe a little dialogue, some writing devices I don’t know but you could have added some bombs and fleshed out an epic story. Not hating just saying. Very impressed with this but sad it wasn’t longer.

Witty’s verse was mad dope...very delicate, precise wording...the pace of his piece was a bit more measured than Blue’s, which I would say is a nuance developed by writing many topicals over the years. The first two lines set an ethereal scene, provide three multi couplets and the impact of the delivery is a suspense filled one, which is very germane to the picture provided imho. Voice singing in dulcet tones but mind is withdrawn was pure fire...really one that hooked my attention and had me wondering more about the character. I really enjoy this type of mystic narration in the first person. Really did not see the slave angle coming but you packed a nice wallop to that small second stanza my friend...deftly crafted laconic verbiage. I’d can maybe quote the whole thing, but the latter half of the second stanza especially hit me. Character development and storyline, giving the personality traits of courage humility even kindness which stood through the suffering and was able to escape...without actually stating directly that he had any of those traits. Nice. You can tell he’s a prodigal musician by the way he reveres music. The this way and that a way was a nice colloquial term to slaves although I don’t think they’d have been speaking that way in the 1600s but that’s a minor detail. So He’s lost and God helps him the raven is almost like a dues ex machina that leads him to glory. Didn’t see the twist coming that it was somewhat of a blessing and a curse...I viewed it more as it was a blessing and a burden because god knows the former slave is strong enough to lift other’s spirits and impact them in a way that only somebody who has felt true suffering knows about. The last verse adds a sort of baroque, emphatic ending to the mystical angle where he’s had his fill of the good life, but the raven won’t leave him. Is it a curse? I’m choosing to view it as the omniscient powers that be need him just a little bit longer before they let him see the pearly gates...anyways very dope story bud...

I am torn because both verses were so good but if I’m being real with myself Witty’s was twice the length, and that storytelling was so clean and precise that I’m gonna have to vote for him on this one. It’s sad to me because Blue had maybe a top 3 verse of the whole tournament, could’ve vied for best verse if he went all out...but he didn’t have time to double the goods...I’m not sure what would have happened if he matched witty’s length and kept up his writing pace, didn’t happen though...shit happens...

MVGT: Witty
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Old 08-12-2019, 12:13 AM   #5
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Longer version in mag

i thought both utilized the topic well and each took a similar route in first stanza, but branched off from there. It's a rare read that outshines Witty in terms of flow, and I can't say Blue fully outshined, but he def kept his own and had more of a lasting impression for me in terms of structure and overall degree of difficulty. This is not say Witty's verse wasn't pristine in terms of crisp flow, because they both were in reality. But Blue def impressed where as witty just did his usual Goat status IMO. As far as concept however, I had a greater attatchment and overall conection towards witty, his left a more lasting impression overall basically. This may be because I'm American so slavery talk is more fresh on the brain. But beyond slavery, racism is something we are seeing daily on the news via shootings and beatings and injustice to this day, so yeah, it's a bit more impactful for me. All in all, I thought both of these verses were penned at a very high level, both deserving of a semi-final match and could get a vote or nod in a finals match. But as I said, one was simply more down my alley and slightly more lasting in my mind as I walked away from the reads


v/ Witty

Very close
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:52 PM   #6
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When I first look at the image topic, it’s easy to be drawn toward some kind of religious topic I think with something like “Heavens Gates” or maybe have the focal point character “arriving” at a realisation - a moment of clarity for him maybe, or an opportunity (a new door opens?), but I almost prefer the fact it’s a closed door he’s in front of. It gives it a conflict for you stir ideas as to how he goes about trying to force that door open to see what’s on the other side. The “other side” could be a few things, namely death, which would tie in more with the Heavens Gate I mentioned firstly. It doesn’t have to be, though, it could be him finding some form of escape through it. It could be art of some form. If we played around the theme of the sitting man being Blue Bayou perched on his barstool, with a famous grouse maybe to tie the bird in, then the locked door could be the door to his local bar having an after hours booze-up or it could be alcohol he is looking to escape from. You could even tie in Cheers with “You wanna go where everybody knows your name,” alluding to heaven. For Witty, the gates could have been the famous Guinness one. Anyway, those are my initial thoughts on what could have been done here, let’s see how you guys had it...


Witty: I’m not a huge fan of the constant stop-start read it creates when you use so many commas in such a short space of the lines between multies. It almost makes it have a stuttered effect for me, largely because I read the commas with a pause between them, I’m guessing you don’t when writing but that’s the gift/curse of this being subjective. You again toyed with thing in something more emotionally and musically driven, almost like a combination of your two previous pieces this tourney already. This one was less sharp to me, particularly the rocky start at the beginning of this one which you ironed out somewhat towards the end of the first section, but also the start to the second stanza had minor issues too. It was less fluid, more jumpy, again stop-starting flow wise which is unusual to read from you given your usual polish. The use of the raven was minimal, I thought, especially given the way you went about writing this. It felt like you could have expanded on the metaphor more, maybe utilised some word association or idioms to tie it in and make it more prominent a feature, stuff like the guy simply “spreading his wings”, “flying the nest,” or “reaching for the skies,” as a double meaning for heading for heaven. Let’s not overlook the more technical elements on display here though, especially how concise you kept things with the shorter line lengths, then you have the added degree of difficulty with the scheme which was ever-evolving and going back and forth, there’s some nice imagery and emotion scattered throughout which is well done, you’ve your usual flourish and mix it up well on the whole. I’m not overlooking that, even though it’s easy to get lost in it, or to overlook it as it’s deceiving in its simplicity which I’m a fan of. I’m seeing all of that here, I’m just finding more to nitpick at as it’s the semis and you’re relatively even matched in a lot of those aspects so the minutest flaws are what are left to pick over to determine a winner. This isn’t going to be a brown nosing vote seeking both your approval in the hope you return the favour, this is legit. My main issues were you executing the eventual topic, or the way you went about it, where I felt more could be done and also in the way you executed the rhymes - namely the stop-start commas that didn’t work for me. The rest was solid. Right, on to Blues, piece next...

I think this topic/image favoured a more Blue-esque approach here. It’s almost got a Deadman quality to it with a lot of profound visual imagery and snippets scattered around a central theme. It wasn’t so much a story, like we had with Witty, it was more a “topical” if you like. I’m generally of the storytelling > Topical breed because that’s how I came up, even though I’m not as stoically against topicals as some of my compatriots might be. I thought the main difference here wasn’t primarily in the execution, but in the experience. Witty had a very concise wording, shorter lines doing a lot within them, weaving through the patterns, the imagery, the emotion with a deft pen that is well aware of what he’s doing and there’s a great clarity to it as he does so - every rhyme is carefully chosen, maybe at times to his detriment, as there are spots where he seems to get caught in the rhyme rather than focusing solely on keeping the content as solid as he can. Usually people will sacrifice one for the other, he doesn’t really do that, he straddles the two well to give the reader the best of both worlds and very rarely has those dry spots. Blues verse reads as if he knew he had to compete with Witty on a technical level, the multies and scheming were there, there’s these flashes of imagery and he had some profound statements but ultimately the piece felt very flat to me. It never really got started for it to get going places. It was almost his naivety and inexperience that had him out of his element here and what he submitted was more a collection of well-worded couplets, drawing from his text battle background, rather than writing something that transcended the image given and world building around it. He basically wrote what he thought a topical head would find impressive, placing a higher importance on the technical side than just outright creativity and originality and being able to flip the image into an out of the box story or narrative in a way that people wouldn’t think to. Don’t get me wrong, Witty didn’t nail that either here for me, and that’s why this is closer than I felt it needed to be. Technically you were fairly even, i’d maybe give a slight nod to Witty in that regard because it’s more the style and personal preference I use, I also felt Witty’s verse from a storytelling POV had the better character development and the emotional attachment - but it was quite similar to the verse we’ve seen from him previously as I stated. I don’t like comparing the line lengths of both verses as that doesn’t tell the full story, Witty has more lines because he’s using less words in each, which is fair enough, but he’s also doing a lot with so few words - and again I take that into consideration when reading. It’s not just a case of story vs topical or one guys technical skill being clearly above and beyond the others for me, this was more a combination of what both delivered, how they were executed, and coupled with the degree of difficulty displayed from a technical standpoint - each of which I had Witty ahead in by the way - and that’s why I think Witty got it. It wasn’t one thing, but a culmination, his experience won out over the green (blue) Bayou.
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Old 08-12-2019, 03:55 PM   #7
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good showing, witty.

Quote:
The smoke swirls through the air with a rhythmic elegance
Mystic, nebulous...mysterious...almost cryptic, delicate
With an intrinsic eminence, a right to belong
Creating an atmosphere you simply can't write in a song
As I stand behind it almost lifeless, just vibing along
My voice sings in dulcet tones, but my mind is withdrawn
As I sing the final note and hide behind the applause
I try to respond, I try to be Mr. Humble and Mr. Polite
Instead..I exit stage, and stumble in to the night
As I wander..I wonder if there's a light, a glimpse or a sight
That might put and end to this miserable plight
My limitless fight, my eternal woe
When is it my turn to go? Let me fade to black...
...but before I do that, let me take you back.
very ethereal imagery in the beginning. i especially love the "dulcet tone" voice desctription. the ending of that stanza had this old school dreamy harp sound to it somehow lulz. something like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEuFMOyr6JQ
the latter half of the verse had too many pronouns (I's and My's especially) which isn't really a big deal but it affects the overall polishness, to me.

Quote:
Fellow slaves were given the task of dragging me up
Making me strong, so I could make my master a buck
They would beat us, broke us...we were defeated, hopeless
And yet we stood on our feet and sang just to keep us focused
We were feeding our souls though our stomachs were growling
And the peace that arose was something astounding
God gave me a voice...so I sang while praising his grace
I sang while I was shackled, and I sang the day I escaped.
cool followup to the last verse. the imagery and scene seemed very familiar as i think it borders on cliche in this context. had a very optimistic vibe about it which was cool.

Quote:
I ran for days, this and that-a-way, in a baffled haze
Bedraggled, crazed with an addled brain
Saddled with anguish, pain...a vast malaise
Until one day...I just stopped...I sat and prayed
I begged God for help, as I lay sore on the pavement
And as I cried, he came to me in the form of a Raven
He asked me my wishes, why do I plea for grace?
I said "All my life I've been placed in grievous states
I've watched demons deceive us, and heathens hate
All I want is to sing, to share my voice with the nation
And take over the hate in a joyous invasion"
His answer was straight, and he stated it clearly
"Your voice will carry the weight of the weary"
He continued to warn that with art comes a price
There was no secret clause, it was honest, concise
The Raven is my guardian which he leaves to me
And only when it flies away will I cease to be.
love the carry weight of the weary" line. thats how you do alliteration in my humble opinion. natural. the raven/god/guardian thing didn't seem to fit the tone of this verse. it seemed very grounded prior, then it shifted into the fantastic. not sure how i feel about that.

Quote:
So forward I burst with hope in my mind
My soul in the sky, frozen in time
I packed the bars, I owned the stages
My laughing heart was so contagious
At the start my throne was stainless
I attacked the dark, disposed of greyness
The ladies swooned, the fellas cheered
Each latest tune was well revered
I sang through war and peace, day after day
I saw everyone I love aging, and fading away
As time crawled on, and I sang with the best
I began to live every day in anguish, depressed
I'm isolated, I sing in the dark, seen but concealed
Living in fear in case my secret's revealed
I love bringing joy to the hearts of the people
But I've seen the whole world, the darkness, the evil
It tires me so, I hope soon the Highest will beckon
Open the door to my peace, invite me to heaven
I never thought I'd see the day I'd be choosing to die
But it doesn't matter what I want...
...this Raven refuses to fly.
i take issue with the "forward i burst" line. it read unnaturally. but after that - god damn it was fire. somber ending man. great use of irony. the raven blessed him with all he desired only for him to find that thing "absolute" anything is for the stupid bird by the stupid bird lulz.

blue, this was very good.

Quote:
roaring chants of the wicked steady graspin the pickets
proclaiming a loyalty to armed forces so wrathful and vicious
crafted the wishlist then sat back to plant the division
between allies and those he left behind in fragments of stitches
a planet of bridges, all burned to the cold earth as ashes emitted
now hazardous cancers rip through the masses with sickness
the tact is religious backed by a plan that’s mapped within digits
coded solely by the souls controlling gadgets & switches
central populous trapped within such rancid conditions
until they bandwagon with the bad & abandon the mission
the fascists had risen, attacked and ran into tragic collisions
their insolent landscape crashing under the hatch of some fission
transport a passage of prisms, the door a portal to stand within
morbid pacts of sin, throats of the angels slashed with pins
the plant hte division/fragments of stitches couplet was insane. normally i don't care for the same rhyming all the way through but i think what made it work here was the actuallt rhyme selections and the wording. "hatch of some fission" was a bit forced though.
& thus the act begins,

Quote:
the bastion blood red in the distance under the horizon sits
they uprised in fits but it was apparent early on they only fight to quit
ignite & then out the godless abyss evil entities take over mind’s intent
drafting innocent soldiers, convertin them for worship despite the sin
silence awoke then black galactic dust unzipped the sky
gathered disciples with bibles but we tore and cast the prints aside
witness blind but watched from a visitor’s path of view
thats when good and evil divided, the galaxy's axis split in halves of two
divinity & his bandit crew discarded though survivors remained
that’s what spawned the holy ghost and the liars today
the foe empire decayed thawed frozen minds with the flames
evil’s temple ruined, decomposed it's whole design with grenades
no longer idle enslaved, good prevails against the deadliest mind work
God watches at every divine turn a never ending designer
so remember next time your tempted to empty the fire..
all lose the goodness in faith sometimes, we just need a friendly reminder
that bible line was awesome. the flow and rhyming was impeccable honestly. wording was great most of the way but "deadliest mind work" was very weird. the verse seems to be very politically charged but well hidden in poetic devices. i can't tell which sides you are advocating for but what i like about this verse was the kinetic energy of it. there were many themes running concurrently like military, good and evil, identity, separations, perspective. it was all done with panache. kudos.

witty had a great story that seem to follow the deal with the devil adage with a clever summation to irony. blue had a fiery voice that was relayed with wonderful imagery and elegant phrasing. I casting my vote to Blue because i simply enjoyed the voice of his piece more. witty verse was great too but while reading it, i can't help but feel that i've read it before. blue almost lost it for me because the connection between verse and picture was so minute but the picture showed a musing of sort. his verse certainly had a high degree of contemplation dressed in metaphor.
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Old 08-13-2019, 05:33 AM   #8
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Witty –

“The smoke swirls through the air with a rhythmic elegance
Mystic, nebulous...mysterious...almost cryptic, delicate
With an intrinsic eminence, a right to belong” jesus Christ that’s good…. I wouldn’t start verses like this personally cuz you’ve set a bar I dunno if youll be able to keep it up with LOL
Yeah its such a good read, you make it look so simple, not many come to close in that regard, we need a match up sometime ha! storytelling here was on point, never wanted to stop reading, had to find out what was going on here!!! Sounds stupid but I think the only thing that could hurt you, is the simplicity (how it looks) of your work, so effortless, it makes it look easy, which it obviously isn’t.
Brought the character to life, nice twist… reminds me of the puppet verse me and lars did a few years back (almost wanna link and give a shameless plug lol). Good job




Blue –
“roaring chants of the wicked steady graspin the pickets
proclaiming a loyalty to armed forces so wrathful and vicious
crafted the wishlist then sat back to plant the division
between allies and those he left behind in fragments of stitches
a planet of bridges, all burned to the cold earth as ashes emitted” wow, another rip roaring start ha, niceee…

The first part was dopeee, loved the direction and really thought it was leading to something very dark and morbid and had me hooked throughout, only criticism (and its nit picking) is that I wish you carried the same multi string throughout (first paragraph) , that would of stood out so weeellll, but I appreciate how hard it is to do whilst controlling the narrative
second part… ahh tailed off just a little, meh, still good but probably not as engaging as the previous, the overall message was fine, it tied in well. Endings are probably on par with each other tbf
but reading the last paragraphs of each verse and the difference is there to see imho..

Witty gets this, I was slightly more engaged in his throughout, I really liked reading these, great technical ability shown by u both. Salute
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Old 08-15-2019, 04:46 AM   #9
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content wise witty got this, his experience (or at least the fact he is more active in this arena) shines through in that regard, he cleverly builds up, paces his peice and paints the imagery. however blue had the more complex rhyme scheme and structure which really paid off an left a lasting impression. you could argue both equally represent the topic well enough, so it really comes down to content vs flow. id have to vote for flow wouldnt i?

vote blue but props to both
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