03-01-2014, 08:30 AM | #1 |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
Cyborganic
I feel like..
The moon is inverted. No light, no luminous surface An anorexic mother earth, a womb without purpose The opulence of the son of apes reduced to a hermit’s A fusion of murmurs. A whisper in the Carbyne storm Under an eye of Ruby makes me miss the starlight’s warmth A monster. Slithering out of a pool of binary code & metal limps A fiery rose with petal tips that bite & corrode the pendulum Poison the sands of time, yet I remember the honor of candlelight It’s what brings joy to December, to paupers, to men who cry It reminds me of my carnal nature; the tale of Adam & Eve Lust of the flesh. A double-edged arrow to the heart of the seed A martyr’s disease. The freedom of motion from a jejune state Divorce from a menu’s taste. Return to a charity venue’s plate Drenched in vengeful hate, a slave to old enemies Tautologically walk the faultlines of my own memories A ghost in a stone cemetery. Worms meshing to skin When you’re controlled by software you realize this; It’s a curse to live by the law.. it’s a blessing to sin The flexing of wings, in awe of the age of technology Einstein to Newton, let us await the new face of a prodigy A pebble, a stone.. climb a rock or a mountain Broke my chemical bones, sap youth out of a fountain Hold your breath. Don’t you dare inhale my mixture of dust Listen my love; these robotic arms are no longer worth a picture of us , , , , , |
03-01-2014, 09:12 AM | #2 |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
|
03-01-2014, 07:04 PM | #3 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 17
Rep Power: 0 |
its ok i guess...u seemed like u new what u were doing
|
03-02-2014, 02:54 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 160
Rep Power: 2208348 |
Slithering out of a pool of binary code & metal limps
A fiery rose with petal tips that bite & corrode the pendulum Poison the sands of time, yet I remember the honor of candlelight very cool, thoughtful imagery
__________________
Soundcloud.com/TheDirtySerpent |
03-15-2014, 11:54 AM | #5 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604317 |
I like that woman in the picture. Is it a screenshot from a movie? That'd be cool if it was a photomanipulation.
A double-edged arrow to the heart of the seed ^This was my favorite line. Interesting idea. You have a knack for wording your lines well, and also for imaginative concepts placed in concession with one another at a steady pace. You allowed room for your lines to breathe, rhyming them with finesse. I would've went a little heavier on the relationship aspect. There are tons of opportunities for using man and woman in a cybernetic/organic context. Good work. @Mael Keep doing you |
03-15-2014, 11:54 AM | #6 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604317 |
I like that woman in the picture. Is it a screenshot from a movie? That'd be cool if it was a photomanipulation.
A double-edged arrow to the heart of the seed ^This was my favorite line. Interesting idea. You have a knack for wording your lines well, and also for imaginative concepts placed in concession with one another at a steady pace. You allowed room for your lines to breathe, rhyming them with finesse. I would've went a little heavier on the relationship aspect. There are tons of opportunities for using man and woman in a cybernetic/organic context. Good work. @Mael Keep doing you |
03-16-2014, 10:11 PM | #7 | |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
Quote:
lol.. yeah, that's Abbie Cornish in the new remake of Robocop. |
|
03-17-2014, 04:49 PM | #8 |
rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,145
Rep Power: 0 |
yea your wording is pretty solid. it's crispy. i feel like you probably refine your lines from the get-go until they meet your standard, or trim the fat afterward. idk it's hard to decide on the process when i've only the product to view. this was pretty good. definitely resonated with more poetic allusions. conceptually i wasn't up on this. i give Abbie Cornish an 8.5/10. the film itself a 6.
|
03-18-2014, 01:48 AM | #9 | |
Don't believe the hype
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5
Rep Power: 0 |
it don't happen too often, but ya know when you read somebody's work and be like dannnng i wish i wrote that
this was amzaing Quote:
dat imagery HOF edit: the picture took away form the verse Last edited by Coup; 03-18-2014 at 01:55 AM. |
|
03-18-2014, 11:43 AM | #10 |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
@Eŋg - Thanks for the feed. I wasn't too keen on the movie either.
@Coup - Appreciate the feed and the HOF nomination. I suppose I could have left out the picture, but it sort of rebelliously tide into my last line of him thinking he isn't worth a picture of them. Will RTF to anyone if you provide links. Last edited by Mael; 03-18-2014 at 11:50 AM. |
03-19-2014, 06:13 PM | #11 |
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
Rep Power: 3501587 |
|
03-20-2014, 08:00 PM | #12 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899406 |
Thoroughly enjoyed this. No complaints, really.
__________________
If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
03-21-2014, 05:14 AM | #13 |
V.V
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20
Rep Power: 6247256 |
This piece was gorgeous. I can definitely appreciate something that expands possibility of abstract thought with a focused destination. This was well written and even better paced and rhymed. I enjoyed this and wish for you to post more. This was inspiring.
__________________
Ahem. |
03-22-2014, 03:04 PM | #14 |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
@razor wayans damon blades
@El Pancake @Vividlyvague Thanks for the feed, fellas. Again, to anyone, I will return the feed if you leave a link to your piece. |
03-22-2014, 09:35 PM | #15 |
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
Rep Power: 3501587 |
|
03-23-2014, 10:13 AM | #16 |
NJ Devil
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12,042
Battle Record: Who Cares
Accomplishments - Hall of Fame
Rep Power: 84181417 |
This shut made no sense lol
__________________
Bed stuy fly Bushwick sick East ny walk |
03-23-2014, 03:33 PM | #17 |
Almighty
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 580
Battle Record: 2-3
Rep Power: 428840 |
.
Last edited by Mael; 04-27-2019 at 07:06 AM. |
06-07-2014, 07:16 PM | #18 |
consults Lloyd
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,075
Battle Record: 0-8
Champed -1-2 Punch League Roast
Rep Power: 39345600 |
This was good.
|
|
|