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Old 07-13-2014, 11:15 PM   #1
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Default Round 3: 14. YDK vs. 7. timeless \\ YDK wins 5-(-4)


Round 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Sunday, July 20 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Wednesday, July 23 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on the other battle is required. Four votes will be deducted if that one required vote is not done.


Topic


Less Than Hero


Good luck, @YDK and @timeless.
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Old 07-18-2014, 06:26 PM   #2
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I'll be complete-
today, after I graduate from the police academy-
with my life partner Eve, but soon she'll shreek and laugh at me.
Why? It's simple, she had no interest in becoming a cop.
She needed to get sober, wishing this was all a 'one and done' stop.
She knew of 'Bad Boys' and that 'Fresh Prince' guy was her favorite. Other than that,
being a cop to her was getting to drive around, listening to her latest playlist.
Little did she know, she needed to be active and fit,
not to sit around all day, and what she lacks is a grip-
on what load she chooses to take on. The same old played song :
Underdogs have a chance as long as they play straight and calm.

Good luck!
I on the other hand, had somewhat of another plan.
Since age six I hoped to be a cop with a tough and stern stance.
When help was in demand, I was there to help whoever breathes.
I trained my whole life for today's gold. Feelings measured me-
to be tall enough to kick the world back into an orbit.
With pleasure I remembered I had absorbed the torment.
Days bring gorgeous incentives, night crawls onto my door steps.
Life? I explored it,
at night I mourned it.

I stood tall when-
a lieutenant approached Eve and said, "Congratulations miss."
She was baffled, instantly confused as to how she had made the list.
Not a workout in years, no motivation but to get high,
get drunk with some guys, video games, rent was due last night.
I imagine her in a past life as a cat, with no plans on the horizon.
I felt a vibe I didn't recognize, so I instantaneously grew tired when-
she made her life in one day.
She shined in spite of the sun's gaze!
It was sooooooooooooo inspiring!

I still had the night sky-
but my life took 18 years to not even begin to accomplish-
the blood, sweat and tears that pull me under just to drown in nonsense.
My boat capsized, I thought i've done the rounds with 'progress'.
Made it my whole life, and I still add up to less feelings of a hero.
I cleaned the mirror so I can see my stress reeling in more clearer reflections of timed plots.
Make no mistake, I am a man of my word. I will be a sly cop,
whether or not I have a badge, I will bring fulfillment to my block.
So when Lieutenant Hayes approached me with a cold look,
saying, "See you next year, hopefully." Pissed, I shifted home on foot.

Always pride above all and..
..I knew that one year of college was a requirement to join,
but I figured my passion was enough to admire and coin.
I was surely worth it, I'd be the best cop around who serves a purpose.
Not like my girl with no clue what to expect, dancing nerves so worthless.
I couldn't breathe, wouldn't see the noose if it hung from me.
But I shook the feeling fast, seen the proof since it comes with peace.

Bought a gun and,
as I can recall, I may have pulled the trigger twice.
One for good measure. When asked, "Well, how do you figure?"
I told 'em, "I always aimed for a better life."

...and so I approached God with a smile,
with so little hope, knotted.
Denial.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:41 PM   #3
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Year: 3010
Location: Unknown


It's been quiet all night the silence is nerve wracking,
The strange scenes in a desolate landscape I'm reserved; tracking.
Every follicle, molecule is a possible obstacle
to deciphering the code of their biological chronicle.
I see nothing is logical when I'm on an alien planet,
Been abandoned since I landed on this radium; granite.
I dont know if i can stand it, I'm starting to panic
while the sun rises in the north; the climate's erratic.
Ice melting rapidly turning the surface aquatic,
My ship is going to sink! The whole galaxy's despotic!
I realize I'm the alien in this place that God forgot,
But if i die now, my experiment's all for nought.
I often sought to learn from my lonesome trips to space,
But in my last attempt i could vanish without a trace.
I'm just a scientist, astronomer, with many dreams to chase
trying to improve the future for the entire human race...
I feel my rocket tremble, I'm going to die for sure!
As the ice gives way my vision fades to lights and blurs.
Suddenly I'm ascending to the heavens
(much like I'd prefer)
And all becomes calm as my attention is deferred.

My ship disipates and leaves me floating in a room,
that feels like a labratory and smells of gas and fumes.
Slowly creatures enter with their faces masked in rheum,
They look like newborn babies that had just escaped the womb.
Silently they gesture me to lay upon a table,
surrounded by what looks to be medical contraptions and cables.
As i approach it they rapidly strap me down to it tight,
And i realize I'm the subject of disecction tonight!
I always assumed being human i was an improbable prey,
till they started ripping flesh from bone in such impossible ways
The pain was surreal and my screams grew absent
I just laid there undistracted as my emotions ran rampant.
With no anesthetic I was focused on every move that they made,
and i simply longed for it to stop, or my conscious to fade.
I left Earth to find a new home as the population grew larger,
but instead of returning a hero I would die as a martyr!
Unknown to my family I had become what I always chased
a sacrifice to science; an experiement in space.
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Old 07-20-2014, 02:36 PM   #4
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i'm on my phone and don't actualy want to vote. but you two are two of my favorite writers on this site. timeless, i felt your piece was underwhelming compared to many i have read from you, it felt less polished and maybe the story itself seemed rushed and not all that entertaining. and kuhn, you just keep improving man, i tend to read one of every five or ten verses from you and they always seem like you're still improving so much. cool story, i really enjoyed it, felt polished and well thought out. i feel kuhn had this battle in every aspect i judge a battle on. if timeless brought his best this would feel less one sided to me. good luck to you guys in the votes and i wish the winner luck in the finals.
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Old 07-20-2014, 02:44 PM   #5
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Timeless-

So our intrepid narrator has his dream dashed and in a fit of jealousy and inadequacy he kills his life partner for obtaining it, despite the fact she didn't have nearly the zeal for the job that he did. He then gets another rejection at the gates of heaven.

I thought this was okay. A little paint by numbers. The characters weren't fleshed out in any way. So we're left with a snapshot when the collage is necessary. There's no empathy here. The rhyme mechanics were rudimentary. You gave a reason why our narrator wasn't accepted into the force (the college requirement) but I feel that it was a tiny plothole. I can't imagine they'd let someone in to training who didn't meet a requirement that would then preclude them from graduating. The denial at the end was a nice little touch. A bit funny. What a hard luck guy. Also, the "Shoot for a better life" line was the best of the piece. I didn't like the use of "Sooooooooo". Seemed a bit too much. This relationship must've been pretty untenable if he felt the need to shoot her for this. Maybe they should've just had a big fight, since he's so insecure, and called the whole thing off. He'd have a nice cup of coffee at the local cafe the next day and maybe enroll in online classes. It is just one year, after all. He seems a bit off kilter. Wouldn't chill with that bro.

YDK -

So our intrepid narrator has his dream dashed by some meddlesome aliens who tear him apart. All he wanted to do was some deep space R&D and they come and filet him instead. Poor bastard.

This was pretty straightforward. 3010. That's a long time from now. I wonder if they have new types of Oreos? Butter Pecan. Your rhyming was above rudimentary. I liked the parenthetical phrase. I'm a big fan of parenthetical phrases. Maybe I have thing for parentheses.



We've all read this story before. Uncle Jimbo from Alabama tells this story, first hand. You went first person with it. Have you ever been anally probed? This was okay, it didn't really wow me. If you're going to go deep space nine there better be something new for the aliens to disecct (sic). But here there wasn't. No crazy rhyming to take my mind of the known plot. No deeper insight; in fact not much at all. A story as old as time itself, with no new additions. Needed a patio.

A lackluster semifinal match, to be frank. You two were in a dead heat, story wise. Nothing that tickled my fancy. And if my fancy isn't tickled, it comes down to who executed better. That was YDK. You both had some weird typo's. YDK at least tried to rhyme with a modicum of complexity to assist his dry story. I can't say the same for timeless.

Good luck to the winner.

v/YDK
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Old 07-21-2014, 01:51 AM   #6
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timeless: My male-heavy department recently hired two women who seemed a bit underqualified, so I sort of get what you were going for here. (For the record, both have been fine so far at the job, though probably not as good as the one obvious candidate.) This verse was a bit of a step up from most of your recent efforts, but it didn't hit your top peak because the creativity wasn't there.

Yes, the approach was unique, though the police side of things fit squarely in the hero mold. In that sense, this was a good approach to the topic. But the ending didn't land. I liked the phrasing, the clever play on words. But the jealousy angle didn't command enough respect because so little was put into giving us concrete images of everything that happened.

You spent half the verse giving us two background-heavy character sketches and not enough time showing us what all happened. Imagery can do a lot to create emotion, and this story really lacked that. It made the ending feel a little too removed, not cold in the good way but rather unenergized.

Quote:
Why? It's simple, she had no interest in becoming a cop.
She needed to get sober, wishing this was all a 'one and done' stop.
She knew of 'Bad Boys' and that 'Fresh Prince' guy was her favorite. Other than that,
being a cop to her was getting to drive around, listening to her latest playlist.
I know what you were going for with this, but it came across as stale and silly, particularly the Fresh Prince reference. The rhymes here were bad, too, and I was more interested in the sobriety aspect and less interested in most of the rest of that stanza.

Quote:
I trained my whole life for today's gold. Feelings measured me-
to be tall enough to kick the world back into an orbit.
With pleasure I remembered I had absorbed the torment.
Days bring gorgeous incentives, night crawls onto my door steps.
Life? I explored it,
at night I mourned it.
This was one of the few sections in the verse where it really felt like you were trying to do something with your writing, beyond the content. That was good, but some of the phrase choices were awkward. I didn't like "today's gold" because it was clumsy, but the last couplet (starting with "Days bring") was particularly underdeveloped. That was an enjoyable turn of phrase but never really found its place in this story.

Quote:
I still had the night sky-
but my life took 18 years to not even begin to accomplish-
the blood, sweat and tears that pull me under just to drown in nonsense.
My boat capsized, I thought i've done the rounds with 'progress'.
Made it my whole life, and I still add up to less feelings of a hero.
I cleaned the mirror so I can see my stress reeling in more clearer reflections of timed plots.
That's a lot of time spent on the same concept. You had opportunity to tell the story but instead focused on a trite explanation of the emotions on the outside of the story. This section didn't move things forward, it restated what our character was feeling. But if we really knew him, we wouldn't need you to tell us.

Quote:
Bought a gun and,
as I can recall, I may have pulled the trigger twice.
One for good measure. When asked, "Well, how do you figure?"
I told 'em, "I always aimed for a better life."
The story should have ended here, for sure, as the God stuff really didn't land and the double-denial seemed overwrought. This was clever, again, even though I don't think the homocide was justified entirely. But if you had written the entire verse with this sense of nuance and subtlety, you could have had something stronger.

More writerly elements (intricate phrasing, complex rhyme schemes, unique story pacing or framing) could have brought this up a level. But that wasn't there. Instead the rhymes seemed uncharacteristically sloppy at some points but more often simply boring and straight-forward. That's better than forcing, sure, but the content didn't justify the simple tone. You opened with "I'll be complete," and you did a good enough job with that. But you never brought the intensity to make that complete story interesting.

YDK: You say you stepped out of your comfort zone for this one, and I don't really see it. Sure, the content is far off from what you normally would write. But that same, crisp and reader-friendly but a little too simplistic style pervades this writing as much as anything else we've come to expect from you. The second stanza was more plot-heavy than I'm used to seeing, but the first felt very much like vintage YDK, happening upon a space topic.

What I liked about this most, then, was that you didn't happen upon a space topic. You came up with a very creative approach to this topic that encapsulated all angles of it and sealed your strange ending well. I'm not going to say that ending was completely earned, as the alien presence was rather abrupt and there seemed to be little in the way of nuance in explaining their purpose. But hell, I liked it for the creativity and the dark, dark humor that might not even have been intentional.

My real issue with this verse lies in that first stanza, where almost three-quarters of it is spent repeating the same emotions in different phrasing. You often opt to tell rather than show, and here you outlined the scenario of the space travel without much in the way of hard, small details that could have made the place seem more real. And you also skipped out on the storytelling for most of that stanza, prefering instead to stay within the emotive moment.

Your linear approach to writing, though, made this very easy to follow. After dragging a bit in the first stanza, you moved forward well in the second. And even that first stanza had crisp rhymes and a solid cadence. This verse could be rapped and is easy enough to follow along with that it seems like a storytelling track on an album, albeit not from a particularly great rapper. The limiting factor for you is that lack of the stylistic nuance that makes this text rap topical writing genre different from actually penning lyrics to be delivered.

Quote:
It's been quiet all night the silence is nerve wracking,
The strange scenes in a desolate landscape I'm reserved; tracking.
Every follicle, molecule is a possible obstacle
to deciphering the code of their biological chronicle.
I see nothing is logical when I'm on an alien planet,
Been abandoned since I landed on this radium; granite.
There are a lot of slightly misused words in this section, but you never lose the reader because you don't clump them all together. To list them: "reserved," "follicle," "chronicle" and "radium; granite" (pick one). Every one of those words was out of place, but that's not exactly abnormal in these leagues. It's still something to consider.

Quote:
My ship is going to sink! The whole galaxy's despotic!
I realize I'm the alien in this place that God forgot,
But if i die now, my experiment's all for nought.
I often sought to learn from my lonesome trips to space,
But in my last attempt i could vanish without a trace.
I'm just a scientist, astronomer, with many dreams to chase
trying to improve the future for the entire human race...
I feel my rocket tremble, I'm going to die for sure!
This is the section in particular that I was referring to when I said you repeated yourself a lot. All of these words are getting at the exact same emotion without pushing the plot forward.

Quote:
Silently they gesture me to lay upon a table,
surrounded by what looks to be medical contraptions and cables.
As i approach it they rapidly strap me down to it tight,
And i realize I'm the subject of disecction tonight!
This is your best section because of how clear and clean it is. Even the exclamation point feels very much like you in your element. I called you "earnest" in a magazine recently, and that's what this section portrays. It's a very honest retelling of a completely fictional story.

Quote:
I left Earth to find a new home as the population grew larger,
but instead of returning a hero I would die as a martyr!
Unknown to my family I had become what I always chased
a sacrifice to science; an experiement in space.
Here's where you tied the topic into the verse cleanly and clearly. And the creativity of the approach really is what pulls you through this battle. Both you and timeless told stories in straight-forward ways with similar flaws. But YDK's rhymes and writer's voice were more polished, making up for timeless' slightly cleaner diction. This battle was close, but the approach wins.

Vote: YDK
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Old 07-21-2014, 11:01 PM   #7
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I don't have the most time on my hands currently, and don't want to put off not voting because I know that means I won't so....


Time - [/b]Little did she know, she needed to be active and fit,
not to sit around all day, and what she lacks is a grip-
on what load she chooses to take on. The same old played song :
Underdogs have a chance as long as they play straight and calm.[/b]

Doesn't work for me really. Lets break them up in sentences...

Little did she know she needed to be active and fit, not to sit around all day.

what she lacks is a grip on what load she chooses to take on, The same old played song.

Underdogs have a chance as long as they play straight and calm.



What I've been saying to you in the past is simply this. This is how I read it in this small brain of mine, sure flow helps, and lyricism impresses, big words make me think, but I always read verses as if they were a book first. So breaking a sentence up in for flows sake between a bar is inevitably hard for me to read because it more then likely slices the effectiveness of the line in half; whether you are going for emotion or character build up. These sentences when broke up as I did, have far less affect, which is why I've often accused you of rhyming for the sake of it. With pleasure I absorbed the torment Apparently not. If you haven't noticed yet I will be critical in my critique, we are big boys here and your opponent should share the same brash overtone such as this, barring whether or not he wrote a masterpiece, which he didn't as i've read each verse a few times now since yesterday. Continuing... I cleaned the mirror so I can see my stress reeling in more clearer reflections of timed plots. I haven't read the other votes, but I can't be the only to highlight this line as poor wording.

OK, so throughout this verse you had strong character build up, both on the women and man. You named the lady Eve so I can draw a vast amount from her character as being a type of women rather then one literal women. The issue I have is you painted the man with strength, saying how you fought through adversity and lived a good life dreaming of being a cop. Then he kills himself, the ending really felt out of place. You even opened up with how you girl Eve would laugh at, but I don't see how she could with such tragic events. All in all, there was good flow riddled within the verse, but some sentences beyond flow were, well, for a lack of better wording myself, just not that great.


YDK - hmmmm....Opening bar was not great. I see him in the calm unknown dark of a new land, but you threw in "tracking" for rhyme sake and left it at that. I prefer the bar to not rhyme with out quoted word because to me, the simple rhyme took away the meaning of the rest of said bar. You do the same thing with "Radium; Granite" I actually think the entire scheme worked best if you used Grant it. I also notice you doing almost an "A, AB" Scheme, but the "A" in the middle of the next bar doesn't always work, like you again, are throwing in rhymes just cause. Although I can't truly complain, because the progression and overall visual you painted were very strong, so in a sense I guess I'm saying you did chose words wisely, but you don't always always always have to rhyme rhyme rhyme, sometimes a simple "a,a,b,b" scheme is more effective then the heavy weighted schemes.

Soo....I think this is one of your better verses brother. You did well, very well, in giving me a backdrop of a new world. I see the sun, the water, slimy creatures, tormented screams. Then, at the same time you gave me a character, I see this man giving all he has willingly, to better human living. This was a true story, with solid, very solid writing. In the second bar you eliminated the heavy and erratic rhyme scheme, this, was on the other spectrum, too simple rather then dense and muddled. I do believe your happy medium is mixing them, where the heavy schemes are sprinkled about every other bar or three, this to me gives you the power to play yet also allows you to paint those images while not being constricted to heavy flow./


Voting YDK, overall he just had more impacted writing.
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Old 07-22-2014, 03:57 PM   #8
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Timeless-

I like the duality of both the main characters being "less than hero" for conflicting reasons. For each, 'hero' is status. For Eve, that moniker is meaningless. She isn't a hero, and she knows it... to the point that she doesn't even acknowledge the responsibility that comes with her job title.

The narrator's idea of hero is himself, glorified. I think that your tone could have been more developed, I feel as though we are made to empathize with the guy because of the unfairness of the academy's decision... and yet, we are not made to empathize with the guy himself. In fact, he feels a bit too sorry for himself as a result of you driving home the point that he tried to earn his position so hard. I was expecting a moving closing sentiment on the meaning of duty, and maybe a glimpse into the future to reinforce it.

The ending felt pretty cheap, I guess. "If I can't be the hero I'll be the villain" is trite.


YDK. Haha you took us on an interesting journey for sure, pretty funny. Like the rhyming as well. Light-hearted. Could be a little more theatrical and a little less sensational, but hey. Timeless, I'd say the exact opposite. I think YDK had cooler language/ rhyming/ writing in general.


I guess I preferred YDK's fantastic voyage over Timeless's cop drama. Good match.

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Old 07-22-2014, 09:19 PM   #9
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Timeless- as an unbiased courtesy I don't read other votes. That said, this piece confused me in a few ways. I wanna say the protagonist and his girl both tried out for the force. She was a low life, he was motivated. However, she made it and he didn't. Then he killed himself... and her? Not sure. The passage dragged on in a dull cadance and some parts didn't rhyme well. The ideas could have been better worded and more interestingly put to draw in the reader. Though this verse wasn't bad, it definitely was not your best. I just feel like this angle came off very unnatural for you and that's why the execution was a little off. I don't know. Good effort though.

YDK- wow. Not sure where to go with this. I liked the second half of this for the shock and the fact that a bunch of big words seemed to just be crammed into the first half kinda desperately. That's how it felt reading it at least. Decent rhyming overall though, and even though it ended on a bitter point, it was a pretty cool story. I think more could have been added for the volume of verse you had, but like I said, I still liked it as is. This wasn't terrific, but it wasn't that bad either as far as overall execution and subject matter. Good stuff.


I think I've seen better from both of you guys, but I found things to like about both pieces. Thank you guys for showing. MVGT YDK.
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