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06-16-2015, 01:03 AM | #1 |
Razor-thin derision
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Round 3 - Quarterfinals: Ullr vs. Clutterbuck - (Clutterbuck wins)
Welcome to Round 3 of the tournament. Congrats on making it this far.
There is no line limit. VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks!) Verses Due Friday Night. (June 19th) Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. (24 hour extensions are allowed. Just one.) Voting Ends Monday Night 12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied Have Fun Peace @Clutterbuck @Ullr Topic: |
06-16-2015, 04:54 AM | #2 |
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LET'S GO!
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06-16-2015, 07:56 AM | #3 |
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Check, best of luck Clutterbuck! I'm actually excited to see how we both interpret that topic!
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06-19-2015, 02:06 PM | #4 |
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Wrought of iron, his helmet gleamed - gilded grates which are seldom seen - many millenia he's beheld the screams of those unworthy, most are selfish fiends whose self esteem turned to self obsession - the spell of greed for which they held their weapons and enveloped their dreams in a hell without exit. They'd moan and plead but didn't know he'd seen - a whole life passing in a moment's leave for when he lowers the screen produced is a glowing beam, a golden stream that pierces souls with ease and if the soul is clean its light is shone indeed, a pure reflection of their hopes and dreams. This moment, something strolls in, mean, brutish, now he stands 'neath the arches in these lands of the departed. Screaming, angrily marches "Fuck off, you can't handle me, martian!" Gestures with a fist and a sign from the gang which he hearkened "Let me through, man, or damnit, we sparkin'!" The Keeper of Gates simply stands and keeps guarding, not even a flinch as a fist glances his armor "Ye shall be judged lest ye have in ye darkness." Only madder, he charges. The Keeper slowly lifts his hand to his casque grasping its cartridge utters a word in the language of Tartarus - "Bezilus" and as he chants it he lets it loose light released from the heavens above redirected through the helmet, as intense as the sun sights the mere mortal so defenseless and dumb to strike at the Keeper, his sentence was sung igniting instantly, he screams and desperate runs blinded, damage to his eyes had already been done in seconds his entire body aflame and seconds more all but ashes; he, so rotten, profane adrift in the wind and forgotten, in vain.
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06-19-2015, 03:54 PM | #5 |
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Grimwald survived The Great Cleansing but his camp had been taken,
so there was no time to waste as he planned his invasion! Standing there waiting, shrouded in silence, He anticipated their next move while he scoured the horizon. He shuffled out from his hiding place to view what was standing before him but all he found was a mighty drop, the gap was enormous! The chasm a yawning mouth, gaping as long as wide, yet he'd have a camp up by morning if he could make it the other side. Bravely he scuttled sidewards and fumbled along the edge, - a foot misplaced and he would have died, tumbling to his death! So he clung to each nook and crevice with each step he persisted, suddenly up ahead, he heard the hum of an enemy that crept in the distance! Grimwaulds adrenaline instantly intensified but he tried to feign composure as his predatory instinct of fight or flight had taken over. He lies in waiting. Closer. Theres an urgent stabbing strike and his rival lays disposed of, having first been paralysed. No ones heard the hallowed cry as Grimwauld leads him away to serve his appetite, as he hadn't eaten in days. He feasts on the late victim and flesh drips from his jowls leaving the taste of ironised blood thick in his mouth. It was kill or be found, and if he thought he might die, he'd do everything in his power to ensure he survived. Grimwauld was a wily veteran of sorts and bearing caution in mind had been what kept him from deaths jaws. He was a remnant of the wars. This didn't feel like a victory though as while his many friends had fallen, he still considered this home. He picked up his old resolve, embarking with deft side steps, before he quickened his soldier march to a left, right, left. With his chest tight-pressed up against the pallid wall his omniscient eyes met with the safe haven that he sought. He had made it to the forlorn encampment he had seen with cobwebs draped from the bulwarks, it was scattered with debris. Grinwauld scanned the vast retreat for all he could use before he ambled to retrieve what he thought was a morsel of food. As he neared toward it he knew, the object was no small snack, but what he saw was his true loves cephalothorax! Her exo-skeletal war mask and strewn body parts litter the web, with Arachnia's head held in his small hands, he attempts to kiss her again. It signals his end. He crawls above the bathtub and retreats. Hid from the cleansing, and safe for another summer at least... |
06-20-2015, 09:25 AM | #6 |
White Earl
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This is a dope battle. Two different angles and they were both so well written IMO.. that this one is gonna be close and come down to preferense and taste alone
Baron.. to me.. you have very nicely.. easy to read and flows dope telling of what your topic means. Or represents. As a symbol and as a possession.. perhaps even a weapon in war. I thought the details you went into concerning the topic and even the small writing included were really brilliant and well thought out. Only thing i hate is that centered format.. but i wont hold that against you! Lars.. as always.. you bust out into a well told descriptive story that leads to what this topic is and the way you define it and bring it to life is sick.. "Her exo-skeletal war mask" ..thoughg that was a dope introduction to what you were getting at! Also written very dope and has that lars feel with your own personal atyle of transitioning and vividry. This one is so close imo its dumb.. probably gonna be one of the toughest battles to call this week. So great job on that at both.. I have to say though.. i think what baron did touvhed on this a bit more solidly for me. He actually involved his topic piece much more and brought more detail concerning the actual topic to the table than lars did.. where as opposed.. to me, lars kind of told a story around what his true topic really was.. and then introduced it at the end. Leaving me with very little to go on concerning what this pic actually is. For those small reasons alone. I have to vote against lars this week. No offense baron. I honestly had lars favored highly over you. Bug i believe you edged it with your tKe on this pic. Excelle t battle guys. Respect to you both. Great showing v/baron ULLR
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06-20-2015, 04:03 PM | #7 |
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Pretty dope stuff guys.
I feel like Clutbuck's verse was told pretty well. It's difficult at times to keep a story and have it make sense and keep a solid flow to it. You managed to do both, but I just felt like the story wasn't that great of a story. Technically, it was well written, just wasn't that great to me. And, I'm going under the assumption Clutbuck is Lars who is Baron Mynd!?? Lol, what's that about. Anyways, Ullr had a pretty dope verse to me. "Wrought of iron, his helmet gleamed - gilded grates which are seldom seen - many millenia he's beheld the screams of those unworthy, most are selfish fiends whose self esteem turned to self obsession - the spell of greed for which they held their weapons and enveloped their dreams in a hell without exit. They'd moan and plead but didn't know he'd seen - a whole life passing in a moment's leave for when he lowers the screen produced is a glowing beam, a golden stream that pierces souls with ease and if the soul is clean its light is shone indeed, a pure reflection of their hopes and dreams." I felt like that whole beginning verse was sick. There was times when the rhyme scheme wasn't on point, but it wasn't nothing too bad that made me dislike it. The whole verse was well rounded, and it felt like you wrote more about the topic at hand than Clutbuck's verse. Real solid verse, I enjoyed reading both but Im'a have to vote for: vUllr |
06-21-2015, 02:06 AM | #8 |
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This was a pretty dope battle, I enjoyed both entries
Ullr, your verse was very well written, that opening was vicious the technical aspect of that was amazing & really left me enthralled after departed I felt like it slowly lost it's edge but then it picked back up Screaming, angrily marches "Fuck off, you can't handle me, martian!" Gestures with a fist and a sign from the gang which he hearkened "Let me through, man, or damnit, we sparkin'!" this little section was my only dislike about this whole piece maybe it's because I find dialogue to be a pain to work with although my first verse of this series used a ton of dialogue which I didn't edit in who said what but why should I? anyway I felt like this was a dope written man I really enjoyed the well rounded aspect of your verse minus the quoted anyway nice work... Lars, Damn it man that ending was great adding to the build up I really enjoy your technical skill and it's truly an inspiration to watch you work I felt like this may be one of my favorite verses from you to be honest looking at the votes against you I don't know if there was something I missed so I had to take it upon myself to read it again.. Grinwauld scanned the vast retreat for all he could use before he ambled to retrieve what he thought was a morsel of food. As he neared toward it he knew, the object was no small snack, but what he saw was his true loves cephalothorax! Her exo-skeletal war mask and strewn body parts litter the web, with Arachnia's head held in his small hands, he attempts to kiss her again. I had to look up 'cephalothorax' and I was like ohhhhhhhh.. dope shit for real though. it kind of reminds me of Queelag from Dark Souls anyway man slick shit.... v/This is a tough one to vote on because both dudes came from opposite sides of the spectrum both had some great delivery in their own aspect and seemed evenly matched to me making me feel like I need to really think about it, but when I think it becomes a lost cause so..I'm going to base this on whose verse stuck with me the most, we have a great beginning & a great ending to end we have to begin, and to begin we have to end, making this a tough decision I loved Ullr's opening as much as I did Lars' ending...but I felt that Lars rounded it off for me this was verrrrry close in my eyes and both came correct, but I feel Lars may have edged it over with the plot & ending.. dope battle though fella's v/Lars
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06-21-2015, 06:33 PM | #9 |
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this was pretty good, im not a topical head but goin off the topic both were really good.
ullr hey'd moan and plead but didn't know he'd seen - a whole life passing in a moment's leave for when he lowers the screen produced is a glowing beam, a golden stream that pierces souls with ease and if the soul is clean its light is shone indeed, a pure reflection of their hopes and dreams. that was dopee. but Cut shit.... Theres an urgent stabbing strike and his rival lays disposed of, having first been paralysed. No ones heard the hallowed cry as Grimwauld leads him away to serve his appetite, as he hadn't eaten in days. He feasts on the late victim and flesh drips from his jowls leaving the taste of ironised blood thick in his mouth. It was kill or be found, and if he thought he might die, he'd do everything in his power to ensure he survived. Grimwauld was a wily veteran of sorts and bearing caution in mind had been what kept him from deaths jaws. He was a remnant of the wars. This didn't feel like a victory though as while his many friends had fallen, he still considered this home. He picked up his old resolve, embarking with deft side steps, before he quickened his soldier march to a left, right, left. With his chest tight-pressed up against the pallid wall his omniscient eyes met with the safe haven that he sought. He had made it to the forlorn encampment he had seen with cobwebs draped from the bulwarks, it was scattered with debris. Grinwauld scanned the vast retreat for all he could use before he ambled to retrieve what he thought was a morsel of food. that was sick i think lars overall had the better written verse, he killed it tbh V/Lars, but ullr wasnt bad at all |
06-22-2015, 01:14 AM | #10 |
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Spectacular take of both combatants. First battle, Ullr, hasn't been no showed, which is good to see. What's up with the small picture though?
ULLR: The first stanza flowed really well, and it captured the quintessence of the portrait. It had this feeling of despair, and hope intermeshed and was just done tastefully. The gatekeeper allusion and the oblivion of trying to bypass the gatekeeper through force led to oblivion. You also made the light a central theme that kept showing up throughout the text. And with each mention there was a different spectrum and continuum presented, contrasting it with the internal darkness of the heroic invader, who was incinerated not by the gatekeeper, but by the judgement casted upon him, in relation to what lurked inside him. I thought you did lose some momentum in the second stanza, and I didn't think you quite matched the standard you set in the first stanza. Nevertheless, the third one picked up a bit the lack of distinction, and prominently ending by championing not a character, but the thematic presentation you intended. Good read. Clutterbuck: In a way the writing is more refined than ULLR's, and his is quite polished as well. Week to week you adapt and morph your writing, and while it has it stylistic flare that accompanies a Lars verse, there is still an innovative force that continues to unravel. You excel at wording concepts clearly, and sometimes your writing presents more simplistic, it is not because you cannot present advanced thoughts, but you find more foothold in presenting things in a more succinct refined manner. The story was a about an arachnoid trying to survive being exterminated in a world that is mysterious, and bigger than it. Spring cleaning comes to mind. The scene took place in the bathroom, and it was quite clever. However, I did not think it captured the image like ULLR's did. This is hard decision, both competitors did extremely fine jobs, and it really came down to what story etched a more ostentatious sketch on my mind, imprinting its contents, so at the end I take it to be the most influential in remembrance of the verses. Vote: ULLR Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 06-22-2015 at 05:19 PM. |
06-22-2015, 11:43 AM | #11 |
Razor-thin derision
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Ullr - Fuck, I really liked what you did here. You captured the image to a tee, enhancing its energy and message by centralizing the storyline around the light projected by the mask. The rhyme schemes were very good, picking up steam in places where I thought you might lose a bit of momentum. There were strong points and other points where the content wasn't as reinforced by concrete strands of relativity - like the Tartarus bar where I felt the rhythm showed its weaker aspects. The ending was cinematic and closed the show well.
Clutterbuck - Fucking hell, as they say in England. Pretty fantastic execution of a spidery battle on bathtub Bunker Hill. I read this about three times and it got smoother each time. The twist ending was done well. I think back in the day as Baron Mynd, your wording was more flashy but now it has taken on a more purposeful, concise edge to it, powered by a predictable yet unpredictable rhyme sequence. The use of language was effective, and nice touches surrounding the subtle insertions of arachnid clues and hints. Very nice job. Dope battle. Probably the Battle of the Tournament, IMO. My vote goes to Clutterbuck for a tighter, more successful take. Not taking anything away from Ullr's slobberknocker. |
06-22-2015, 05:40 PM | #12 |
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Felt like ullr wrote a single moment in the story. Very well written and exciting tbh the begining to me was set up nicely for the middle parts and ending. Tho if im honest i felt like the story you told could of expanded more. It was great but for it left me wanting more. I dunno i felt like i was reading a great lead up and then it was over. Thays my gripe. Technically sound all around and well written. So i went with what i thought was a weak point which tbh wasnt alot but....
As far as what clitbox wrote. I felt like he outshines you with a more detailed lleveld paced story. Dunno if that makes sense lol. It felt more complete as a whole to me. Clitbox wrote some very intriguing lines that kept me interested throughout thw entire story. And once it was done i felt good about it. Like yeah i can see that ending that way. Great stuff foreal. Overall i gotta go with clitbox on this one i thought dude dropped a dope piece that not only complimented his opponents effort but surpassed his opponent. Great story telling and the ability to keep that great story going won this battle for me. Clitbox |
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