01-13-2021, 12:56 PM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,739
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
WEEK SEVEN: OBJECTIVE 2-3 vs MMLP 4-2 MMLP WINS
AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN
@MMLP @Objective Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic: GOOD LUCK Last edited by Adverse; 01-13-2021 at 05:45 PM. |
01-14-2021, 05:18 AM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 600
Battle Record: 15-16
Champed - Write Week 9
Rep Power: 9768087 |
Still different from the rest diffident at best, scratching and crawling itching for respect, beginning to impress each bar is a signal of success the emotions riddle me with debts to society the quest for sobriety, leaves those hopes in tatters I hold the cameras facing the closing chapter the incoming calls, drive me up the wall in climbing the social ladder but I go on clambering page by page through the ice ages of Myspace its high stakes masking a cry-face that hides shame so I bend the truth, just to keep the lies straight paying the price ranges from being forsaken thinking why-fight it isolated, a live wire who seems simulated releasing statements, tweeting elation injuries apart, I’m still feeling I’m jaded a level- headed maturity crossed with a false sense of security that can lift me like a barbell, but at the same time I can’t tell I become inquisitive, its triggering a simple “Hope you are well,” and I’m thinking, is this heart-felt? I just need to ditch the phone, switch the tone of this ‘hard’ shell the only thing ringing now.. should be the alarm bells! but I can’t help but think I’m bitter to put it in scripture, it reflects in the mirror so check your spots, connect the dots and you’ll see the bigger picture the panic releasing through those little whispers in a matter of speaking, I’m in the land of the free Travelled the regions plastered in green the gathering trees scattered with leaves still actively seeping with the passage of seasons, I planted the seeds like Adam and Eve did bask in the breeze of my plans to get even recaptured the feeling of not having to reason with this supernatural being I just won’t release controlling me through bad spells thought it was handheld but it’s the one who had a hold of me Ctrl-Alt-Delete a non-believer, decided I was moving on scooped along now I’ve been proven wrong crossing the junctions, onwards and upwards found a new route across and a lease of life feast your eyes, because now I’m non provoked, not controlled intoxicated and you don’t want the smoke, bottles opened going for that pot of gold I’m starting afresh, now I’ve got a hold because it’s better to be on the bottom of a ladder that you want to be on than on top of one, you don’t! Last edited by MMLP; 01-15-2021 at 09:21 AM. Reason: verse |
01-14-2021, 02:47 PM | #3 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,787
Battle Record: 17-32
Rep Power: 52474189 |
Here
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
01-18-2021, 06:24 PM | #4 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,787
Battle Record: 17-32
Rep Power: 52474189 |
His isolated mind portray a wide array of codes,
"Hello world" and tumblr notes the same way IG fumble nodes. Under-appreciated likes, lives ain't aging right, you might say he's fine, David's staging kindness, yet hating blind on games that play with time. Savior lines, mental health chat bots trend it, Ask what algorithms of friendships end with. He release some of his Steam on Nintendo, yet needs VRChat to talk with his friend though. Connect motion sensors to his body for human touch, stopped caring about the other side cus it's used too much. and it's better than nothing, this hell confused something, as physical contact turned meta for self-induced rotting. This means David is facing the beast of infinite knowledge, internet storage invited his brain for an intimate slow death. That's what you get when you eat with the mistress of No Chance, plants the seed of distress while coping with new types of romance. Tech split the seas of reality, walk till it closes, silly app-roaches lead noses that click with insanity's Moses. Sniff out the victims of addiction to distanced closeness, Robotic fanfics and its pixelated restrictions to roses. Corrected features, phone screens is his night lights glow, and only connects with people as far as his wi-fi go...
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
01-18-2021, 09:01 PM | #5 |
Everything's Connected
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 10178702 |
MMLP:
Great drop in a short time frame. You wanted to sign out but just justified the exact reason why you SHOULDN'T. Top level flow and clever ass lines that go well with the picture. It's just further proof that if you get the right topic, you can beat anyone. The start of this was fire... "Still different from the rest diffident at best, scratching and crawling itching for respect, beginning to impress each bar is a signal of success the emotions riddle me with debts to society the quest for sobriety, leaves those hopes in tatters I hold the cameras facing the closing chapter the incoming calls, drive me up the wall in climbing the social ladder" - Loved all of this. Especially the "incoming calls drive me up the wall" part. I was like 'damn' when I read that. "I become inquisitive, its triggering a simple “Hope you are well,” and I’m thinking, is this heart-felt? I just need to ditch the phone, switch the tone of this ‘hard’ shell the only thing ringing now.. should be the alarm bells!" - Dope... but even you knew that lol. Perfect ending too... "I’m starting afresh, now I’ve got a hold because it’s better to be on the bottom of a ladder that you want to be on than on top of one, you don’t!" Beauty connection to the pic and sums up your personal struggle with this league. Nicely done. Objective: Cool message in this piece. A virtual world that overtakes the real one and the effects that has on us is such a cool concept, and very real. I really liked the beginning of this. "Savior lines, mental health chat bots trend it, Ask what algorithms of friendships end with. He release some of his Steam on Nintendo, yet needs VRChat to talk with his friend though." - 'Release some of his Steam" was nice. Second stanza wasn't technically as proficient - Some stretched connections and wording. But the message remained strong... I think this had a ton of potential that, through your actual rhymes, got lost in the shuffle. I think if you spent more time on it you could've really ironed out the kinks and dropped a masterful verse. This is still great, but falls short of its own gigantic aspirations. "Corrected features, phone screens is his night lights glow, and only connects with people as far as his wi-fi go..." - Great way to wrap it up. Simple and effective. Awesome battle you two. Enjoyed both. MMLP wins with the technical stuff as expected, but Objective had a better angle in terms of where he took this. If he fleshed it out more he could've won... I just think MMLP was too great of a wall to climb here. Pun intended. Objective, you are as close as it gets to being in the top tier of this league. Your writing impresses me every week and I hope you stick around. You're RIGHT there. But for now... Vote - MMLP
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future.. |
01-19-2021, 09:48 PM | #6 | ||
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 913
Battle Record: 14-24
Rep Power: 32898722 |
Quote:
Quote:
Vote: MMLP Good battle on both sides but MMLP dropped a very solid piece. Its hard to win against a good verse with half as many lines but this might have been more competitive if they matched lengths. |
||
01-21-2021, 01:10 PM | #7 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
MMLP:
Technically proficient with some clever rhymes that I enjoyed. I was waiting to be IMMERSED or drawn in by some heavy hitting lines but I just never felt one. Touched on a battle for sobriety, which I can relate to. It's a good piece, but it didn't wow me like some past MMLP pieces. Objective: Started out with a good rhyming pace. This is a more cohesive piece than I'm used to seeing from you, and that's a positive. The subject was clear and you kept with it for both stanzas. The question becomes, can this top a longer and technically proficient verse? It's very close with me. If Objective wrote 1 or 2 more stanzas he may have been able to take this because his subject matter is very relatable in our modern tech times. I'm giving this to MMLP but just barely, my interest wasn't piqued very much but as I go through the verse again, the multis and phrasing are quite good. Objective should aim for a few more lines next week, with the same focus and cohesiveness that he showed here. |
|
|