Originally Posted by ACTIVATE SELF
I sit upon the mountain top and overlook the city.
There's an ocean of stars and below they seem so busy.
Such commotion it's a pity how they choose to use their time.
They're so focused on the pennies that they don't pursue the dimes.
Quatrain: 9.8 out of 10 opener, (despIte city/pity/busy being so common). BANG. Cuz he did it right. And clever closer I thought. Interesting how he separates "mountaintop" for his syllabic needs. Don't really need to explain anything more.
Although, each token is as worthless when compared to what is true,
like the feeling that's produced when the summer skies are blue.
Content-feed: slightly cliche simile on that 2nd line of the couplet.
Or chasing butterflies in June with your cousins at the zoo.
Until you come of age and you understand the truth.
"Rhyme-designed" top line on the couplet. but OK, because buttery multi!--- [pharaoh feed, faggitz.]
Good closer second line of the couplet. RELATES to the critical line - three lines above it; B4 the two similes...
(&,Until otherwise stated, the flow and technicals are pretty damn solid which is why I'm still here)...
Then you start to view the cage as inhumane and cruel.
See life is but a school for the tuna and the muse.
Opening line CRITICAL and relates to the Zoo bar 2 above. meta-forical, etc.
I mean, really creative rhyming here on the second line...you are of a rare few who can do this...YES perhaps "tuna" is a randomish rhyme sake, but it's an animal after zoo talk, and is such a cool transition from "school" to "muse" from a phonetic perspective...I'd be over-complicating the line trying to stick a comma after "See", but you just KNOW your syllable shit & trust the reader to smooth it out. and trust the sentence and skeleton punctuation.
Moving RIGHT along, EVERYONE,,,,
An institute of elevation thanks to Buddha & Hey Zeus.
While Cupid and Anubis stand as symbols of emotions.
Googled Hey Zeus; settled on an old classic cult punk album...Hopefully it is something like that and not just the word "hey" (highly doubt it since he Capped it)...[I could nitpick my personal preference of getting rid of the "hey" and stickin' a COMMA or some sorta punctuation... for a more "generic" Buddha" & "Zeus" Religion generality...but, then I guess you wouldn't have your cult reference which makes your bar more complex].
Second line of the couplet is definitely a "bridgey" feel:
-rhyme changes
-contrast word "while" shows the difference between Buddha/Zeus Vs. Cupid/Anubis. [stupid!]
We now know you're transitioning to a new "insight bar", WHICH as you'll find below, I love. and is RIGHT up there with my 9.8 OPENING I graded you on.
From above:...
"While Cupid and Anubis stand as symbols of emotions."
Such as love, and devotion, meant to shrivel up psychosis,
Dope sauce...
make some sense of the remoteness, bring the picture into focus.
And makes it even better for a third-line closer.
=================I'll be back at some point Self...Though we may wanna quit here while you're HIGHLY graded...I did want to touch on the Darwin line area but we'll get to it eventually bud. good job.=========
ALMOST FORGOT,,, SAW THIS AND: phuck. you.
as you yell, "This is Sparta, and this 'L' is for your karma!"
@brokenhal0 this was literally my opener (this is sparta) for Topical this week, I was gonna use all caps...(at the very least part of a stanza if not opener!,) Damn it Self, this is why I shouldn't read descriptive shit before I drop lol... Oh well, maybe better that I caught it.
...
I don't know, if you know this, on the universal totem
every spirit has a modem. Thus, suggesting a connection
to a neurological .. network so complex it makes up an avatar.
Of which we're subatomic parts to the god we're living in,
like the cells inside our bodies unaware of who we are.
Yet, coexistence is contingent on an Adam. Who's in charge?
We are all the evening stars and we came from afar.
The cosmic garden where we blossomed once a particle was sparked.
You should harvest food for thought. It's nutritious for the soul
and brings solace to the heart. For the soldiers on the march
that forged their swords to spar with Mars, may you morally object
to any war that causes harm, to the innocent and poor
or forces tyranny abroad. And for the spiritually absolved
I pray you all get involved. For the sake of Brother Paul.
[/U]"What of Satan and The Fallen?"[/U] Well, some angels were enthralled
by his vanity and awe and gave him aid to break the law.
Thus, they made a fatal flaw, but there's danger in each cause.
So you better battle boldly or be mangled in the brawl.
They may hang you from a cross near a manger made of straw.
Tho, that only kills the ego if your credo has resolve.
The mosquito and the wasp both share the same goal.
Yikkkes...sick line/sentence, however simple it may b,,lol
To evolve at any cost. Charles Darwin is at fault.
Lovin' it...
Cause 'Survival of the fittest' is a theory proven false.
SO opinionated that it threw the "tone" off a bit, certainly enough to rankle dead man's "antannae" muahaha~ Ribbing aside, I tend to agree with his suspicions and might argue this line is too matter-of-fact compared to the questioning/more vague statements of truth, if u will
We are merely just a moth. That is drawn to a flame
in the memory of Thoth. Feel the chemical redraw
as I reel you off the sauce. A placebo that you bought.
"I was feeble and exhausted with a fever and a cough!"
No, a sickness of the mind engineered to keep you caught
in a web made of lies by the spiders in your thoughts.
That convince you that you're lost in a mental holocaust.
Still hitting dope 7 straaaaighht barz... [Phara stick a comma after "web" maybe?] Really cool verse, Selfie..
Or the Synagogue of Sodom where the sinners are assaulted
near the pillars made of salt. Scared to hear this monologue
are the enemies of all. And the military men
who do fiendishly exalt, pseudo tutors as their scholars.
Whom may teach them how to conquer. Tho, empires go impoverished
if they have no code of honor, or enlightened holy prophets
like the Poet and the Watcher. Whom may show them how to prosper
and turn oil into water, or dry soil into tropics,
via spoils of a knowledge, that has long been forgotten,
by the royals and the Gnostics. Back when Moses was a shaman
to the pharaoh Tutankhamen, I was shelling out the dharma,
and dispelling all the dogma, that rebelled against the conscience.
Tho, the Devil is a charmer, you should kick him in a well
as you yell, "This is Sparta, and this 'L' is for your karma!"
Settin' sail East of Hell without a nail in your armor.
On a presidential pardon from Michelle and Obama.
For the sell of marijuana, cos the miracle of ganja, should be shareable
and sponsored, by a charity or Pharma, but apparently that's nonsense.
No one cares unless they profit, off the therapy of Chronic.
Ask the chairmen, and the doctors, or the taxmen in their pockets,
politicians on the dockets. Fuckin fascist economics.
In a colony of dummies no one rations out their money.
All they do is shop and buy. So why's it shocking when they die
broke and bummy with no tie .. over luxury designs?
So corrupted by their pride that they can't stomach humble pie.
Pluck the Sun right out the sky. Then I plunge it in the ocean.
Let it soak until it's glowless. ***pffft jesus Self. A WiseWiggles-like Mindfuk only 6 words...one.~In the hopes that I can show them,
golden trophies hold no bonus, to a yogi in the lotus,
with a halo over dome. Meditating on a poem
inside a massive super nova where the gases might explode.
I should close this with an omen or quotations from Jehovah.
But all I got is "Ommmmm" as I wake you from the coma.
~The Watcher's the persona~
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02-17-2023, 12:29 AM
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